Missed Miscarriage

[Hol54321]

Hi Ladies,

Just looking for some friends at this devastating time. It's one of those, that will never happen to me moments but sure enough it did. Went along to my 12 week scan and boom, I'm hit with the news that baby has no heartbeat. They also said baby looked smaller than expected so did an internal scan too. They measured baby and said it was approx just over 9 weeks. Can not explain the effects on both myself and my husband. It was our first baby. Gone but never forgotten 💖

@Smilingdonkey Did your baby stop developing at 6 weeks as well? A midwife spoke to me after my scan and I asked her why I still have symptoms - She said it’s because my body still thinks I’m pregnant as I haven’t actually miscarried yet so all my hormones are still pregnancy hormones and haven’t gone back to normal yet. It’s sucks though doesn’t it cause it just reminds you of what could’ve been x

@ranoutofgoodnames I'm glad you managed to get a general. The local is what has really traumatised me I think.
I am 38 so am also aware of age but I'm lucky in that this will be my second child. 3 months to get pregnant is nothing ... Sounds very hopeful to me 😊

@wildflowers - yeah I was 13 weeks but embryo stopped growing at 6. Last time I was so anxious and had an early scan and convinced myself there was something wrong at every turn when there wasn't . This time I said I'm not doing that and I wish I had now ... 7 weeks of sickness for no reason 😔

Also. I ate a lot of carbs etc when I was pregnant - all I really wanted and also eating made me feel a bit less nauseous (never had much morning sickness which I wonder if that was a sign?)...and all this led to some hefty weight gain I now need to shift. Which is not very nice - baby weight but no baby 😔

@Smilingdonkey thank you xx

I just feel so helpless and like I can’t control anything!

Need to find my positive thinking - it’s only been a week I guess but I really need to be able to visualise a different future and the lockdown means I can’t really if that makes sense?

@wildflowerpetals you and I are in the same boat. Just 2 weeks ago, I remember you saying that we had ages to wait for our scans. We were the few ppl in that thread that didn't have private scans and this is what happens?!

@Smilingdonkey OMG that sounds horrific and no, not TMI. It was helpful actually, it's good that you shared it with us.

Yes, what makes it worse is suffering from stupid pregnancy symptoms with absolutely nothing to show for it. it's bad enough getting this horrible news without all this extra pain, bleeding, waiting or surgery that's to come. This whole thing is just pointless and made worse due to CV!

@Smilingdonkey It’s strange how our bodies held on/are holding on to the baby for so long. I considered getting an early scan but decided against it as it would only ease my anxieties for a short time. I don’t know about you, but I was happy I had symptoms as I thought that meant everything was okay, apparently not 😔 x

@ranoutofgoodnames So sorry for your loss. I also feel numb at the minute, some days I cry, some days I feel like I don’t feel anything - It’s such a strange feeling isn’t it. I hope you get your results back soon and fall pregnant quickly again 🤞🏼 x

@Sakura54 Yeah that’s right! I thought the same, if I’d have gone for an early scan I would have known weeks ago and this could all have been over by now x

Hi to some of the new ladies, I'm so sorry you find yourselves here but hope that sharing and supporting each other on this thread helps.

@Smilingdonkey thank you for sharing your story, it sounds physically and emotionally traumatic, such a tough thing to go through. But I think its helpful for me to understand what could come next, I really wanted a MVA but hearing your story is making me think twice!

@Ranoutofgoodnames I've had similar feelings to you. For some reason I'd been very guarded about attaching myself to the baby, I grieving but I think its more for the future I imagined for me and my family and sadness for what will never be. My due date was exactly 2 weeks before my daughters 2nd birthday and I was already imagining them together at Christmas.

I'm pretty sure my health insurance specifically excludes pregnancy but I might check in the morning, I'd not thought about that.

@Workingmama1 do check - my excluded anything pregnancy related except for miscarriages - Aviva. They just immediately agreed it all over the phone. I think mine is a fairly standard work policy. I know you get the same doctors and level of expertise but particularly at the moment I think private providers can offer care not available on the nhs.

Morning

I thought I'd make a little 'future focus' post for everyone - I've gathered together some facts/statistics, backed up by articles/studies that talk positively about pregnancy after MC (by extension this also includes TFMR, although this is not always explicitly referenced). There are many more links in the articles etc, more research you can do if you want to find alternate sources, but these appear to be some core statements that ring true.

I also popped in some story threads, although it's easy to find more by searching things like 'pregnancy after MC', 'success after MC'. If you particularly want to see Mumsnet threads, you can search internally on the site, or just add site:mumsnet.com when using Google. This also allows you to use the Tools option to filter by date if you only want to see more recent threads (the three below are from 2018-19).

I know everyone in the thread is at different points in their journey, and has varying feelings about when they'd like to start TTC again, but hopefully this post can be helpful at some point to all.

Love to all of you right now .

• Miscarriage is common, but on trying again, "you are much more likely to have a healthy pregnancy than another loss", Miscarriage Association - Thinking About Another Pregnancy, pg 6
• There is no risk to resuming TTC as soon as you are emotionally and physically recovered, and even some benefits, Time - 'Data Suggests TTC Soon After MC...'
• There is not a clear answer as to whether fertility is higher after a MC event, but it is possible to ovulate and therefore get pregnant before your periods resume, Healthline - Pregnancy After MC
• Anecdoctal, but ask your EPU if you are eligible for early reassurance scans: I know some Trusts offer this for a pregnancy following a (M)MC/TFMR

Pregnancy After Loss Story/Experience Threads

• Pregnancy Stories After Loss
• Success Stories After A MC
• Success After MC
• Positive Stories After MMC

And Happy Birthday to @SkyBlue20!

Things are poo right now, but you (and all of us) will get through it

Thank you, @tryingtimes20 🥰 Feeling a little bit delicate as did virtual drinks with friends last night and probably drank more than I have since before we got pregnant, so probably since Christmas/New Year. Worth it though, was such fun!

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and I am so sorry for your losses 💕 It’s really nice having more people here but makes me so sad, too, that so many people are going through it - and we’ll just be a tiny % of those experiencing it at the moment.

@Ranoutofgoodnames I’m glad you had a good experience dealing with your private healthcare - I’m planning to try mine if I don’t get the result I want at my appointment tomorrow. I know general pregnancy isn’t covered but miscarriage is so hopefully they’ll be able to help.

I know what people mean about not having been too attached to the embryo but mourning your future - I got quite upset about this the other night, crying on my husband as I felt that although OBVIOUSLY I cared about the baby and would have loved it SO much, I’d read about some people really mourning the baby and seeming really close to it and overwhelmed with love for it and I just am not there. I mourn what could have been I think. I can’t phrase it without sounding really cold hearted (to me) but I think you ladies have nailed it so thank you for sharing so I know I’m not alone!

Also with you on the exercise - didn’t want to do much whilst pregnant as was scared of anything happening to baby, then got in to a decent routine, then this happened, then I struggled to be disciplined working out at home during lockdown, then medical management, etc etc etc. I just want it to be over so I can get back to running, yoga, etc and taking care of myself before we try again - I’m scared to do much at the moment in case it sets anything off! I did do some arms and legs exercises in the garden yesterday though which actually felt really good.

What’s everyone up to today? I might spend some time in the garden again if the weather is nice, have some food arriving from a local place this afternoon and more virtual drinks this evening with the family for birthday celebrations ☺️

Also, my arm is killing me today from where they gave me an anti sickness injection on Monday, hope that goes away soon (minor, I know, just annoying!) 😒

Happy birthday @SkyBlue20

Agreed. I've also kept myself emotionally detached all this time as MCs are so common. I was also wary of MMC, although rare, it happens. Despite knowing all this, I did think that surely getting this far will mean things would be ok. I'm taking this harder than I thought. Lots of thoughts, such as: Why couldn't I have had a normal MC that I would have been emotionally ready for, instead of thinking I was pregnant all this time? Why couldn't it have been a blighted ovum, as they first thought? The image of the tiny foetus has stayed with me and I have to remind myself that it wasn't a baby yet.

Like you all, we have to get this all out our bodies before we can move on. The thought of it still being in there is depressing. I have another day to wait to find out what's happening. Last night, cramps woke me up so I had to take painkillers again, not cool, it needs to stay in!

Happy birthday @SkyBlue20

@Sakura54 I wish I’d had a normal MC too, at least you’re able to prepare yourself before the scan whereas, like you say, we thought everything was fine until 12 weeks. I chose not to look at the scan image - I knew it would upset me more and stay in my mind. I still have no symptoms of MC but I’m terrified of the bleeding starting x

Morning @tryingtimes20. Thank you for taking the time to put all that together, I'll have a look later. I want to get pregnant again sooner rather than later as I've just turned 38 so I feel that there's not much time to lose.

Happy birthday skyblue 😊!!!

@SkyBlue20 happy birthday xx

@tryingtimes20 thank you for the links and that is so helpful for me today xx

I have thought a lot about the “missed” part of the miscarriage. I know it isn’t helpful to dwell and I hope that very soon this thread is full of support for thinking positively about the future - but I also think (know?) that being able to just get it all out and express sadness and confusion and pain is one of the first steps to starting to work through it - but sorry if it isn’t helpful for you to read my painful ramblings at the moment... so yes the “missed” part: some part of me thinks this would have been easier if it had been a matter of going to the loo and seeing blood and having it all happen. I am a bit tortured by the question of “exactly when did the heart stop and how could I not have known?” And also as it was at a private clinic where I found out they were nice but they couldn’t actually do anything - so we were left waiting 24 hours to get to the EPU and it felt very much like it was a problem we had to figure out and deal with which was overwhelming and simply not the case. Of course this may just be because of coronavirus as that made everything so much more difficult in terms of getting advice and getting help. I don’t know - I just have a sense that having it happen all of a sudden would Be better in a way. But then really that way is more brutal and sudden so I don’t know. I guess there is no good way to find out you aren’t having a baby. But these are the kind of thoughts that keep going round my mind.

I think grieving the embryo and the future you have lost are very much the same thing at the moment and it is all about love - the future dreams were dreams about how you would put all this love into making the baby happy. I think people feel it so differently but it all boils down to love for your family of some sort xxx

Sad thoughts today sorry. I am going to take a look at some of the links above and try to think a bit more positively!

To those of you who are still waiting and seeing: good luck and keep in touch xx

I'm feeling very low this morning. I keep thinking back to last Sunday when things were still ok. Well I thought they were anyway.

Anyone else feel like they are forcing themselves to be ok? I have a cry and a proper heart to heart with my partner every day but I'm trying so hard to just be cheerful around my daughter and keep my chin up as much as possible. I just want to stop thinking about it 😩

It's not the loss. I felt no real connection to a baby so to speak ... The baby I imagine in the future is the same one I imagined last week. It doesn't feel like I've lost it just that it hasn't come yet and I thought I was closer to it arriving than I am. It's really just the memories and the sadness at having to do it all again and put my plans on hold that's hard. How selfish does that sound 😩?!

For those who have posted about their connection/reaction to what's happened, just to add that I also felt more frustrated and upset at having my plans and dreams disrupted than any sort of human 'loss' - I don't think this is selfish at all, and it's as valid a way as experiencing what's happened as anything else.

I know I've focused on positive things in most of what I've shared, but I can sometimes be a bit avoidant when it comes to unpleasant experiences/sadness, and I try and push that away. I think I've done this especially with what's happened because like some other posters have said, I knew the risks, especially in early pregnancy and tried to hold myself away from forming any sort of connection until it was 'safe'. My husband I think also felt similarly. I don't know if taking this approach has made things easier or not; it's just generally a horrible situation to be in/go through.

I had some really horrible days early on - swinging between numbness and trying to rationalise what had happened, to constantly crying and feeling like I couldn't have my husband out of my sight. Although I could normally find a way to cope during the day, for some reason I became particularly scared of thinking about going to bed (I think because my mind would drift to thinking about what had happened when I was waiting to go to sleep), would have nightmares, and sometimes couldn't even get to sleep unless my husband was there in the bed with me (we normally come up to bed at different times).

I do want to say that for me, just the daily passage of time has been a great healer (although some days have been rough), but grief is so individual, everyone's experiences are valid, and there are no time-frames on how people work through this. I think it can only be helpful that we're all here for each other and can share whatever we're feeling xx

Doesn’t sound selfish at all

I have that sense of “oh god I have to do it all again” (if I am lucky enough). It’s a bit shit. We tried so hard I actually put my hip out 🤨

But I think this is a bit like contemplating starting a new relationship. I have all this at my finger tips as met my husband fairly late in my 30s and spent most of that decade online dating. Each time it was over I felt this massive sense of oh god no I can’t do that again - the swiping the meeting the getting hopeful the enjoying it then the sad end. But each time I did meet a good one I felt the same - excited happy and hopeful and I didn’t sit there thinking oh god I have to go an another first third date?? And I am desperately hoping it will be like this if we try again - it feels like it will be hard and painful but actually it will be exciting and lovely even though I have sad memories. The sad memories meant I was cautious and took my time to get to know my husband but he kept proving himself to me every day and one day I just believed him and trusted it would work. I don’t mean to trivialise our fears with less painful analogies - just something I have been thinking about (I possibly do too much thinking!)

@tryingtimes20 thank you to you and to everyone else for being so honest about your feelings.

Happy birthday @SkyBlue20! Try and have nice relaxing day and be good to yourself.

@ranoutofgoodnames that's a good way of looking at it. Are you thinking of trying right away? What's the general feeling on this. I want to start almost right away but my partner wants to wait I think . We haven't had a proper discussion about it yet as I'm scared we will argue about it 😩!

As I keep saying, @WildflowerPetals and I just found out a few days ago that our babies stopped growing 6 weeks ago. We were oblivious. Not long ago, I was talking about ELCS, number of bedrooms in my house, buggies...at the same time I didn't let DH touch or talk to my stomach and had to keep stopping him from telling DS to 'say hi' to the baby. He thought I was being weird, but now look. It's still all new so I don't know how I will feel next week, but I'm hoping I can move on.

I'm more pissed off than anything. I hate being pregnant...I thought I was lucky that my horrible symptoms got better so soon this time. All these women that were stressing and annoyingly going crazy with worry everyday on my thread, I thought it was so silly. I wondered why I joined MN as I wasn't like them, but not anymore. Not after this. Next time I won't be reassuring them.

Like you guys, I'm also sad about what could/should have been and future plans. I was going to have 1 more kid then I'd be done and even thought about sterilisation/vasectomy. Now I have to start again and go through the hell of the 1st trimester. It it wasn't for CV, I'd get cracking, but atm I will wait to see how I feel. DH and I both agree that this is not the time to be pregnant.