Missed Miscarriage

[Hol54321]

Hi Ladies,

Just looking for some friends at this devastating time. It's one of those, that will never happen to me moments but sure enough it did. Went along to my 12 week scan and boom, I'm hit with the news that baby has no heartbeat. They also said baby looked smaller than expected so did an internal scan too. They measured baby and said it was approx just over 9 weeks. Can not explain the effects on both myself and my husband. It was our first baby. Gone but never forgotten 💖

I had missed miscarriage at 21 weeks, I bled for 3 weeks when can I expect my periods and any advices on when can I try next

Re: trying again. I am going to wait until I have my appointment with the consultant as we sent it all away for testing to make sure it was a one off and not a problem with either of us. This should be in about five weeks time I think. Consultant also said she would probably recommend I wait for three cycles to go past - not sure why. She is very much an expert in this field and I trust her but have read you are more fertile right after a miscarriage and also that the advice re waiting for three months has changed - maybe because I had the surgery and am 40? She scanned my ovaries etc and said she was happy with my ovarian reserve so maybe she isn’t so worried about me running out of time. I think when to try again is a very individual choice and just make sure it is physically ok and then be led by what you want. I think you both need to be on board - I can’t quite imagine trying again with all the stress and pain that might entail with a partner who was a bit on the fence. My husband is glad I think that we have a forced three month time off - I think he has felt incredibly out of control and sad he can’t help me with the physical side of things and needs to regroup. I don’t know what he would do if I tried to push for trying earlier. I think he would say no. Better for him to heal I think and then be fully on board with the reasonably scientific approach I take to getting pregnant 😂😂

Happy birthday @SkyBlue20

Thank you for articulating your feelings so well @tryingtimes20 and @Smilingdonkey, I feel very similar that this baby for me held a lot of hopes and dreams for the future life we would have (it was my first pregnancy) and I am sadder at the loss of those than than particular embryo, I still have hopes of all these things in future with another baby but like many of you, I’m in my late 30s and worrying about timing.

My sister gave birth today to her second which makes things harder again, I had dreamt of our children playing together one day. I love being an Aunty but it makes me even sadder to not have one of my own.

@shinea I'm really sorry to hear that. Obviously a miscarriage is hard at any stage but must be very difficult at 21 weeks. You're in my thoughts.

@shinea as for trying again, there seems to be conflicting advice. Some say wait 3-6 months, others say you can start straight away. I'd give yourself a wee bit of time to deal with this emotionally then perhaps think about trying again? Did you have a midwife? Could you maybe call her and see what she says? Or speak to your GP.

Happy birthday @SkyBlue20

@Smilingdonkey it doesn't sound selfish at all. I think I'm feeling similar (I'm actually struggling to work out exactly how I feel!). Its a mixture of sadness, loss, frustration, anger and numbness all together. I'm crying less often now so perhaps time is a healer.

@Shinea so sorry to hear about your loss, especially so late in your pregnancy. A lot of us on her are still waiting for our babies to pass so not sure if anyone has experience of when bleeding will stop, I've read that its normally 2-3 weeks but not sure if it would be longer as you are further along.

I think we are going to try again once its safe for me. I think that's once it has passed, and then once your bleeding has stopped. May try and have one cycle first so dating is easier, I don't want an ultrasound where baby isn't looking as expected and not knowing if my dates are out or if things aren't going well. My husband is 51, and I want to get the early years and lack of sleep out of the way, so time is not on our side. I also wanted a small age gap.

I've been thinking a lot about the impact of CV on a future pregnancy, but think that it's likely to be an issue for at least a year and I'm not willing to wait that long until we start trying. The thing that worries me if having to isolate for another 9 months when others might be able to start getting back to a new normal, luckily I can work from home but think it would really get me down mentally. I guess the question is is it a sacrifice your willing to make for your family.

@Shinea apologies I miss read your post and thought you were asking about bleeding not periods! As I said above once the bleeding has stopped you can try again, you can ovulate pretty quickly and then obviously a period will follow but it seems to vary from women to women, for some it's a few weeks but for others its a few weeks. Mother nature can be cruel as its just a bit of a waiting game.

@Mlou32 and @Workingmama1 thanks for your kind words. For further information I was 21 weeks pregnant but doctor say baby had development of 14 weeks, I remember things were fine even during 16 weeks. When I asked about same with my GP they said baby will shrink once heartbeat stops.
On April 6 I went through labor and gave birth to my baby boy, Now bleeding has stopped and I am waiting for my periods just to be sure everything is well with my body.

@shinea I am sorry you had to go through all that xx

@Shinea sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you went through. The rest of us are going through early MMCs, so may be better to seek advice from a professional, as it may be different for you?

@Ranoutofgoodnames and @Sakura54 Thank you for your kind words, All I wanted to know was cause for so late miscarriage but we weren't able to know it. Baby was doing fine on my 12 week scan and even NT scan was negative, none of us know what went wrong between 16-20 weeks.
If anyone knows the reason for late miscarriage please let me know so that I can have kind of closure

I think things are starting to happen here. I've been period like bleeding since Friday night, but its ramped up to clots and cramps in the last hour or so. So far manageable with paracetamol and a hot water bottle. Nearly lost it when my husband just announced he was going on a long dog walk and wasn't taking a phone to "get away from the world". I feel he has no comprehension of what is about to come even though I've tried to explain it and told him to look it up. He's normally great and supportive but i think he's dealing with this by ignoring it, that's fine if its how he wants to deal with the emotions but not fine to ignore what my body is having to go through. Actually as I type this I'm even more fuming. I've probably tried to protect him as I know he's no good with blood and stuff like that but I just felt so unsupported and that he just doesn't get it.

@Shinea so sorry for your loss, and that you're still waiting for your period to return.

As other ladies have already said, it's a bit of a lottery as to when it will come back - have you taken any HPTs to see that your HCG has returned to zero (or rather, undetectable by a test), and if so, are you using OPKs to see if you are ovulating? It's just one way that you can try and see how things are going as you won't ovulate until your HCG has returned to a minimum point, and without ovulation you won't have a true period (vs. an anovulatory cycle for example), so the two are connected.

About when it's safe to try again, really this should be dictated by your physical and emotional recovery. I'm just repeating the good advice you've already been given, but this will naturally vary person to person. More recent studies point to that there is no reason to delay TTC provided you have not been explicitly told because of medical reasons that you should wait, but some doctors will still advise to wait one cycle, or even three before you start again. There is plenty of information online that can help you make an informed choice, and if you have any concerns, obviously seek reassurance from your doctor.

As to specific reasons why you sadly had to suffer this, only your doctor will be able to give you a steer (did they take anything for testing?) but the Miscarriage Association has page and leaflet on late MC, which might give you some more general information for now.

I hope this helps a little xx

@Shinea I just re-read your post and saw that you went through labour on 6 April. I would not be concerned that your periods haven't returned yet; from what I've read the earliest they are likely to resume is four weeks after any sort of procedure, and - apologies to be blunt - when the sac has 'passed' as this basically acts as CD1 of a cycle. Again, I'm not a medical professional - if you are worried, speak to your doctor.

@Workingmama1 I just saw your post - how are you doing? I don't want to talk out of turn, but when I was just doing general reading around before I knew what options would be open to me, I remember seeing some ladies saying about what things are good to gather around you/have near for MM. The OP in the pinned thread in the sub I believe is really helpful for that, but you'll obviously know how you want everything to be. I'll be thinking of you xx

I hope everyone who is waiting for it to happen or for whom it is already happening is ok xx

I am not sure any man can understand and am pretty sure none of them will respond perfectly. All you can do is tell them how you feel and what you need so they have a fighting chance of getting it right. But if you do that and they still cant be there in the right way then you have to know that you are strong enough to deal with it by yourself, post on here and believe. I feel like a hypocrite saying this as I went all out to get the surgery - if I hadn’t I don’t know how I would have felt - but you can do this xx

Thanks @tryingtimes20, I found the pinned post and it is really helpful.

Husband clearly came to his senses on his walk and has offered to take the day off work tomorrow. He would have been working from home anyway but at least by not working he can be more present and do the childcare for our daughter so I don't have to worry about that.

I’m sorry everyone has found themselves on this thread. I too found out I had had a missed miscarriage on Wednesday. I was supposed to be 7+6. But baby only measured 5+6 and had no heartbeat. I had had a private scan a week and a half earlier that showed a hb so I knew this was it.
I too was sent home form epu with the advice wait and see, which felt hopeless. Last time this happened to me I had an Erpc the next day but clearly that isn’t happening at the moment.
My gp managed to get the epu to agree to use a private scan I have booked in Tuesday as evidence the pregnancy was over so I can get medical management if nothing had happened. Otherwise they won’t have scanned me for another five weeks!
Thankfully my body seems to have realised. I’ve had mild cramps since Thursday, and some more severe today when I passed some clots and what may or may not have been the sac. I’m now wondering if that’s it, or if there’s more to come?
It’s so horrible.

I'm sorry to hear of your experience @CAnary0. I think you'll need to be firm with them when you see them that you want medical management if nothing has happened so far. If that's what you want of course. It's not like you'll need to stay in hospital for it; they give you a tablet to take at the hospital and then tablets to take home.

Hi everyone, sorry I have been rather absent today and now there are too many posts to reply to individually.

I keep thinking 'this time last week ...'

I hope you are all doing ok. Just thought I'd check in and say goodnight. The nights can feel lonely xxxxx

Someone (sorry can't work out how to tag her) kindly pointed me to this thread as I have a mmc at 12 weeks, baby stopped developing around 8. Feels v cruel as I had two losses last year and the first was a mmc with identical dates to this one.

I chose expectant management naively thinking it would be a heavy period (fucking male doctor) and found myself doubled up and crying with mind bendingly painful contractions on Friday night. I've been self medicating with diazepam which seems to totally stop the contractions unlike codeine which just dulls them. So frustrated that EPU is closed over the weekend. Going to call them when they open in 2 hours and beg for surgical management. However just now I was woken because I could feel my pad filling quickly when so far it's been light bleeding. And I've just taken a lot of pain medication as I can feel dull contractions coming back. I really hope nature doesn't take its course before they can book me in for surgery. I cannot cope with passing the foetus and sac. I did not realise I would have to do that until I read some accounts on here. I can't believe the leaflet said a heavy period. I'm so hoping surgery is still an option. I've had it before and it was a "good" experience.

@Ranoutofgoodnames I'm a bit confused about how you received your care, was it private? How did you get to pay extra to have the remains tested? I want mine tested but I don't know how to ask, I'm NHS. Also I relate to what you said about excess weight - I've had dreadful sickness and have been stuffing myself with carbs every 2 hours and now to add insult to injury my clothes don't fit. And I had never lost the weight I gained from my mmc last year so I was already larger than is normal for me. I want to go on a starvation diet to lose all the weight before trying again, it will help me gain some control over the situation, but worried it will affect my womb lining recovery.

I made it through the weekend without bleeding heavily, I can't believe it's started just before the EPU re-opens... so hoping I can access surgical management before anything happens spontaneously.

Sorry for the long rant. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone I know in real life about the process so it all pours out on here. My heart goes out to all of you. Nobody who hasn't been through this can understand x

@Doughnut100 and @CAnary0 Welcome; this is obviously a horrible thing and I wish you weren't having to experience it, but lots of nice people on this thread who know how it feels. Doughnut, let us know how things go - hope you're able to speak to EPU in next couple of hours.

@Workingmama1 how was everything overnight?

@SkyBlue20 and @Sakura54 will be thinking of you at your appointments/consultations today. I hope you get some 'positive' news in terms of forward movement.

Everyone else - how are you all? Apologies if there's anyone else doing anything today that I've missed (I know @WildflowerPetals has an appointment later on in the week).

@Doughnut100 yes I got the surgical management by going private - that’s why I got the testing even though it is my first miscarriage (think the nhs would only do that after a second miscarriage?). Surgery was so luckily covered by work health insurance. Tests weren’t covered and we need to pay for those. I decided to do that as am a bit older and my biggest concern is running out of time and not being able to get pregnant again due to my age.

Re weight gain I am a fan normally of fasting etc but worried that anything extreme might affect fertility - also really want to just give my body a break and be a bit kind to myself. so am doing a more reasonable calorie controlled diet with my fitness pal (or trying to - only been a couple of days). I have been reading a book on trying again and it was talking about being as healthy as possible but also said “perfection is 80%” or something like that which I found useful - just going to try to eat more healthily and move a bit.

@CAnary0 and @Doughnut100 and anyone else reading who is doing expectant management and waiting to bleed or is currently bleeding - keep going and stay in touch and let us know how you are. Reassuring words on a screen seem so hollow at the moment but I am honestly sitting here willing everyone to be ok.

Emotionally I am not in a good place - have decided to do a half day’s work this morning - only have to fire up my laptop and work from my living room. But it is making me feel in some way like I am “moving on” and I don’t want to. I don’t want to feel sad forever but I don’t want to feel like it is “behind me” in anyway either. It was only just over a week ago. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Morning all!

Thank you for all of the birthday wishes, I had a really lovely day that really took my mind off everything for a bit. Back to reality with a bump today though - got a busy morning of work then my scan at lunchtime. I need to gear up for the fight for what I want as I don’t think it’ll be easy! I’ve had hardly any bleeding so seems the medical management didn’t even nearly work for me, as I expected. So annoying!

@ranoutofgoodnames Do what you feel you can do - as you say, it’s only been a week, it’s still raw. You’ll get there, to a place where you’re comfortable moving on whilst never forgetting, but it’s absolutely fine if that isn’t now, it’s still so early. Be kind to yourself 💕

@Sakura54 Hope your appointment today goes well 💕

Welcome to the new people on the thread, it’s lovely to have you, just wish it were in better circumstances.

Sending love to everyone xx

@Ranoutofgoodnames Take things easy - I pretty much had the full week after the BH off. I had my EPU confirmation scan/bloods taken on 14/04 and my op was on 15/04, so apart from just sending some emails on the morning of 14th, I didn't touch my laptop again.

My manager was very supportive and said to just take as long as I needed. We also have a really great policy around MC which allots two weeks' sick leave as standard, and I'm sure I could have had more if I'd wanted.

I did ask for last week off too, and although I was primarily resting, I did just dip in and out here and there to check emails, and I found doing a bit of work when I wanted to helped me to take my mind off things. I mainly focused working by myself on a project which is taking up most of my time atm; I didn't feel like doing anything which involved talking/collaborating with colleagues at that point.

Just see how you go today and don't put any pressure on yourself. Your physical/emotional recovery should be your priority xx