First Pregnancy Missed Miscarriage (Part 4)

[Kiki061190]

Hi ladies!

Our previous thread is now full so I’ve made a new one 😘

@Catconfusion What amazing results! You must be so relieved. Everything is coming together for you ♥️

@SunStruck Aww thank you. I haven’t been feeling great this past week so I’m hoping it’s all down to baby taking a growth splurt!

@MrsMGE I would probably end the pregnancy too. I’m 29 next month so thankfully I do have time on my side for ttc.

Hey @Kiki061190 thank you. We feel super relieved! Not long now until your scan. I had a read about the quad test and it seems to look for stuff the combined test doesn't cover so seems pretty thorough despite the slightly lower accuracy rate. I'm sure it will all be ok and you can relax a bit more. I'm 13 plus 4 now. You can't be much behind me. It's crazy we're at this stage! Xx

@MrsMGE I completely agree with you. It's so hard for families supporting children with special needs. You're right, the sacrifices are huge. My poor nephew has severe dyslexia and some other physical problems which I know is pretty mild compared to Downs. That's enough for my sister to not be able to work. She doesn't get any help and the school don't have funding to give him extra support in school. He really is suffering because of it. I'm so glad I left the education system. It was so difficult to work in the current climate. Xx

@Catconfusion I’m 13 weeks now! Feels crazy. Just itching to get my due date and get to the next scan. Once that’s all done I feel more comfortable that i can relax. Just so nervous something has happened to baby in between scans. Next scan is 11 days away.

So I'm sobbing my heart out in work, out in the open, 33 minutes before a major conference call with our super-important-client.

My best friend told me today she's pg, after making out it would take her years to conceive and that she'd have to go through multiple fertility treatments as she's had issues with her cycle for years. She only just started the treatment and fell pg first month of trying.

Now, the tricky thing is we are best friends, neighbours (a short walk between our houses) and also fitness buddies. We jog together, swim together, go to the gym together. We get drunk together (occasionally). We bake together. We go to spa days together. We double date with our DHs. We've always thought we'd be mums together and best friends for life. Or maybe I should say, this is what we used to do.

Now I feel devastated. Devastated it's not me. Devastated I'm so terribly unlucky. Devastated that even she, with her numerous issues, got pg whereas I can't. Devastated she'll have a baby before me even though I'm older. Devastated I'm a terrible friend that can't just be happy for her. And devastated I've just lost my best friend because I can't and don't want to even look at her, watch that bump grow, listen about her pg or anything like this. I can't face this. Help 💔

@Kiki061190 remember second trimester loss is much rarer. I'm sure baby will be fine. I understand your worries though. It is never ending! Xx

@MrsMGE I'm so sorry you are facing this. It's so hard seeing people close to you pregnant. It's slightly different but my best friend told me she was pregnant the day I found out about the first baby. It was her second baby but completely unexpected as her first was only three months. We were so looking forward to being pregnant together. It was devastating when I miscarried and she continued. I did manage to feel a bit better about it and spend a bit more time with her towards the end. It was really hard though when she gave birth just a few weeks before my due date. Seeing her in the hospital bed with her baby made me lose it a bit and it took a few weeks to see her and the baby. Luckily I'd fallen pregnant again by then so it wasn't so hard.

My advice would be to distance yourself as much as you need to. She'll understand with all you've been through. Your mental health is important and it's not that you're a bad friend. Hopefully you'll be pregnant again too and it will feel different. These things seem to come down to luck. Please don't think there's something wrong with you. She was just lucky and it was her time. Anyway this is bound to hurt and I hope you get through the rest of your day ok. You probably need some time to process it but you will feel better. Big hugs! Xx

@MrsMGE I'm so so sorry to hear about you feel 😔 I completely understand. It's not exactly the same because we're not living in the same country, but I felt the same with my SIL fell pregnant and felt it was so unfair! Background story is that SIL has only known the guy for a few months, he's going through a divorce (the baby was planned), and I just felt terrible about not being able to be happy for them! They don't even live together!

You're not an awful human being, you're just human. Since she's your best friend I am sure she would understand why you need to take a step back to process all of this.

When I told my DH about my feelings about SIL and pregnancy, that it's unfair it's not us first as we've done everything 'by the books' (dated for years, moved in together, got married) he said 'remember this is not a competition'. He's right. Your time will definitely come!

Just vent on here as much as you need ❤️

Thanks girls. I couldn't get through my day, for the first time in my life, I took few hours off and came home. I've just spent 2 hours looking for help which I've never done before. Spoke to Tommy's who say it sounds like I've developed PTSD after my MC. I had PTSD 21 years ago, undiagnosed and not treated, after I was assaulted. So it seems like it's shown its ugly face again. I was advised to speak to my GP and get an urgent referral for CBT. Rang my GP which cost me tons of stress and surprise, surprise, they can't refer me over the phone and I can't take time off tomorrow to be seen. So I got an appointment with a MH nurse in a week and a half. I also spoke to Mind who have been a tad more helpful and they said they will arrange something for me locally, free of charge. Just not sure how long it's going to take. I don't know how I'm feeling anymore tbh, overall I thought I've coped, but clearly I do have major triggers. I am feeling floored today, literally cannot concentrate. I'm so ashamed to admit this cause it's not like me at all. And now I'm officially mental and will have to tell work as well. What a mess, how did I end up here 😔 xxx

@MrsMGE I am so sorry about this news. It’s so hard when someone around you announces their pregnancy when you are going through some hard times in ttc. It will happen for you but it’s hard when it seems to happen easily for someone. It’s great that you’ve taken the first step in recognising how you feel and I think that is incredibly brave ♥️ Sending you all my love! We go through some major lows before the highs at times.

@Catconfusion I just re-read your post and I can really relate to it. My other closest friend got pg the same time as me and her due date is the same as mine. She's 40 and never wanted children, it was all because her DH convinced her. Enough said, she's sailing through her pg, whereas I am where I am. I haven't seen her for a few months before she got pg (unusual, only because her DH had a couple of ankle surgeries and they took time off from socialising to let him recover). We then wanted to get together, but I couldn't do it because of what's happened. It will be 10 months soon that I haven't seen her, it's absolutely crazy. She is trying, bless her, texting me etc., but I just don't want to be around her bump, end of.

Now this has happened and it's hit me even harder because I do think it's ridiculous that after making out how long and challenging her journey will be, my other friend, just like that got pg. What was the point in moaning about all this for so long and dragging me in for support even though I was going through a very tough time myself? Obviously her problems weren't as severe as she was making them out to be. There are women out there struggling for years, I know some of them, and this is the real issue. There are women like us who have gone through this enormous trauma, sometimes more than once, this is also a real issue. There are women like me who never had fertility issues before and are now going through them following the trauma of baby loss, this is also a real issue. I'm sorry, but I cannot show any sympathy or even joy for her, she got pg first month of trying after taking tablets for a month and feeling a bit unwell physically. This is NOT an issue. Xx

Also thank you to @Kiki061190 and @SunStruck. As you can tell, I am angry because she exaggerated her problems big time and after the MC, I look at things differently and tbh I think she should shut up and count her lucky stars cause she is clueless about what the real pregnancy-related problems are. Hopefully it stays this way for her and she'll never know.

I am also really sad because I've lost her now, of course I don't want to see her or talk about pregnancy to her. I can only stomach pregnancy talk and think positively about your pregnancies, and pregnancies for those who have had issues similar to ours or say IVF on real life. I think it's because I understand this isn't an easy time for you either, and I wish you all the best this time round. No one deserves this heartache, and certainly no one deserves to experience it over and over again.

She must be feeling bad and lonely, and deserted by me. In fairness she was very kind when she told me and I can tell she wants my support and to be on touch with me. But I can't support her, as sad as it sounds, I haven't got it in me now and I don't know when/if this is going to change.

I went to bed for a few hours, woke up now and been digesting on things that the Tommy's midwife said to me. I think she's absolutely right, I have identified that pregnancy is my PTSD trigger, so are heavy periods, Christmas and anything family-related (because of lack of support), news of anyone's illness or being unwell and also long car journeys and any big changes (they're all anxiety triggers). 20+ years on, I'm still scared of men looking similar to the person who assaulted me, dark places and tunnels, lifts etc. (all linked to the attack). I looked at my last 3-4 months and I've realised that I'm a high-functioning individual who has done everything I possibly could to run away from trauma, and it got me in the end. I used holistic therapies, spoke out about things, took on tons of work and extra stuff, tried my hardest to train my brain to be positive. I succeeded 95% of the time. What I never wanted to admit is that I didn't face this trauma head on and that these triggers wreck me emotionally because they take me back to that bad place where I was few weeks after the MC, or during the actual MC or previous traumatic events. I have emotional flashbacks that make me shiver, irritable, anxious, panicky, all of the PTSD classics. They drain me so much even though they don't happen that often. And then I'm pushing myself to function well or even exceptionally well to convince myself and everyone else I'm fine. I also TTC and drain myself even more especially when it doesn't succeed. I can't keep going like this long term.

Can't believe I even wrote this, when I put it on paper it is so blatantly obvious what is going on and as an intelligent person I should have picked up on it sooner.

Anyway. I hope I'll get at least some help now. The Tommy's midwife said one particular thing that made me pause and then sob my heart out, and that is that I need to look after myself and get help because my trigger is pregnancy and it might make me feel worse when I'm pg again. PTSD is also likely stopping me from getting pg because of stress levels. It's a vicious circle and I need help. Xxx

@MrsMGE so proud of you that you're asking for help! That is the hardest first step. What happened to you in the past is so awful, and if you haven't properly received help for that, now is the time. Especially since the PTSD come back after MC. All your feelings right now are valid, you need to think of yourself and do what's best for you to heal. If that means no contact or low contact with your friend, I'm sure she will understand if she's a real friend.

What's your plan of action, will you take some time off work to work on this? I hope DH is being supportive too xxx

@SunStruck Thanks. DH is unsupportive, his first reaction yesterday was "It must have been so gard for her to tell you." AA dar as I'm concerned, she has her own husband to worry about her own feelings. Whereas my own husband clearly has my feelings at the very bottom of his list. He then said when he came home "But we can get pregnant soon too, it will be happy news", to which I replied "Can we? And will it be?" and he clearly didn't get any of that at all. I hate his glass half full attitude, wish he could just get real for once. I didn't even bother telling him about my conversation with Tommy's and that I will be seeking help, what's the point. The funny thing is, he works with challenging people, I can't go into details publicly, but let's say he is one of the people that received special training when it comes to dealing with various issues. So there he is, a superhero with his own wife struggling with MH right in front of him, doing absolutely everything wrong. Laughable. I think this therapy will be a make it or break it for me, in many ways. I suspect I will make some big decision to change my life after this.

I'm not taking time off, no. Work overall keeps me sane and gives some stability to my life and I need this, and I need the money. But I will speak to my boss once I have my therapy plan in place to work from home on those days, with therapy taking place in the afternoons. That will give me time to myself in the evening before returning to work, and I can easily work an extra hour on a different day if needed. I do that anyway. Where there's a will, there's a way. Xxx

*hard not gard

@MrsMGE Sorry your OH hasn’t been very supportive. I think men struggle to really understand our emotions at times. You have us here and we completely understand how you are feeling. Just explain to your friend that you need some time. Any friend should understand as ttc is one of the hardest things to deal with in life. It’s great you’re recognising your feelings and are seeking to deal with some PTSD you have suffered from. I can feel your stress through your posts and I wish I could just give you a big cuddle!

@MrsMGE I'm really sorry to ever OH isn't that supportive! Men just don't get it, my DH is also the ever optimist, it's so frustrating at times. They CAN'T know if it WILL be ok and if it WILL happen soon, and they never want to talk about what if it doesn't.

Good plan you have in place there with work and I'm happy you can tell your boss ❤️ this is too big to carry on your own.

How are you feeling today, any plans for the weekend? X

I hope you are okay @Kiki061190 and @Catconfusion, and get lots of rest this weekend 😄

Thank you girls @SunStruck @Kiki061190. I feel better today, I think the worst is behind me and I can think more straight today. I spoke to my friend and explained why it is do difficult for me and it has nothing to do with her or her pregnancy, it's just a chain reaction once I receive pregnancy news from anyone in the close circle. She understands. We're both upset at the situation now. She wants me there, and I want to be there for her, but I am struggling. I think, although I don't really want to admit this, that there are certain triggers that are making me feel the way I felt that night when I had to go through it. I now have major regrets I didn't wait for ERPC and took misoprostol instead. I think ERPC or going through it naturally would have been easier on my body. I thought at the time I'd protect my MH by getting a closure sooner, but didn't realise how bad the process would be & it was much worse to what I ever anticipated. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I know I did it for the right reasons, but it's backfired massively. I realise now that I never actually thought about that night, it was too bad and too big for me. I've focused on the grief and building up my strength, and I succeeded, but the memories of that night haunt me now once triggered. Even though I said I've tried separating pregnancy and miscarriage, I don't think it has worked for that exact reason, I've run away from the bad memories rather than accepted them.

Anyway. I'm not posting anymore about this because obviously everyone on here is pg now and you shouldn't be triggered to relive your own memories of that terrible event.

Thanks for asking after me and sorry I'm not asking too many questions back, but hope you understand pregnancy talk in general is tough for me at the moment xx

@MrsMGE you're not triggering me (I'm
Sure you're not triggering the other ladies either) at all by letting it out on this thread! This is what this thread is about, support when we're feeling low. Yes it sounds like you haven't processed the mc properly with how it all happened, it sounds terrible :( I was lucky to have a d&c now when I see how terrible medical management seem to be. I think you'll feel much bette after you've worked through these emotions, there's nothing you can change now but it's the trying to accept what happened part and to move forward. I think you've done an excellent job trying to separate the two, it's natural it will catch up with you if it runs even deeper (with everything that happened in the past).

It's good you've had a chat to your friend and that she understands. Try to think of yourself now and not others, you need to heal ❤️

And feel free to vent as much as you want here, it's a safe space for us!

Hope you're having and okay and relaxed weekend x

@MrsMGE I’m so sorry your experience with medical management was so horrific! I had medical management but thankfully it was a positive experience and went smoothly. I didn’t need any follow up treatment but I’ve heard horror stories about it! I can’t believe people get sent home after taking the tablets to pass it on their own! I was kept in ward until they we’re satisfied the majority of the bleeding had passed and they had checked me over and I am so very thankful for that.

You’re definitely not triggering on this thread and your feelings are completely justified. Have you been able to have a nice relaxing weekend? I hope you and OH are ok, it’s hard to when you feel like someone doesn’t understand your feelings and emotions. We are all here for you ♥️

@SunStruck How are you? Any updates for us? Have you been feeling ok? When is your scan?

@Kiki061190 all good here thanks, next scan is on Thursday so fingers crossed! Very tired, that's all - I could find a quiet room and fall asleep at work lol 😴 how are you doing? When is your next scan? Is it the anomaly one? X

I've plucked up the courage and went to see my friend. It wasn't actually anywhere near as bad as I've imagined in my head and I was able to talk about various things. I've decided to face this head on and we have planned a couple of things to do together over the next couple of months. Not too much, no pressure. I'm still finding the topic sensitive though, so will be checking in less frequently. Xxx

@SunStruck My next scan is the 21st and that’s to hopefully get my due date. I’m super nervous! I think if I get to this one and baby is ok I’m going to relax about the pregnancy and allow myself to enjoy it! I haven’t booked my 20 week scan in yet. I’ve been sick this weekend and feeling super nauseated which I thought would have eased by now. Glad you don’t have long to wait for the scan, I’m truly hoping you get good news come Thursday. You deserve it very much ♥️

@MrsMGE I’m glad you went to see you friend and it was better than expected. Your feelings are understandable. Sending love 💓

@MrsMGE hey sista how are you holding up? Great to hear you had a good chat with your friend! Baby steps and no pressure! Are you going to leave TTC the next few months to take the pressure off? I hate it when TTC becomes all-consuming. Takes so much bloody energy!

@Kiki061190 oh exciting wit dating scan soon! Sorry you're still feeling sick. I hope it eases soon! I guess you always want what you don't have, I don't feel sick at all (just very very fatigued), so I'm naturally worried. Last time I felt super nauseous all the time and boobs painful, this time around not nauseous and boobs swollen but not in pain (yet). I'm telling myself that even though I had all the signs last time around I still had a mmc, so shouldn't really compare too much as it doesn't matter in the end...

@Catconfusion hope you're HG has finally eased! X

Hi @SunStruck. Mixed bag for me, I'm still tired and finding it very hard yo concentrate on anything, I'm massively forgetful which isn't like me, and the simplest tasks are taking me a while. So I guess I might not be too anxious or upset, but the issue is still there. I'm trying to take it easy and not think about pregnancy-related stuff all the time. I'm starting counselling in 3 months' time (the list is long). I'm in a bit of a survival mode till I feel better, taking things really easy and trying to switch off and not overthink things. I used some leftover OPKs and to my surprise they are quite dark (CD18, a week earlier than last cycle) so I might DTD but I didn't see any drop in temp at all so not holding my hopes high. I hope you're doing OK. ❤️ Xxx

I'm so sorry @MrsMGE you're having a rough time.The fallout from a mc is torturous and it's not surprising some develop ptsd. I definitely felt like I had shades of ptsd. It's a horrible thing to go through and my heart goes out to you. I hope the counselling helps and your partner can appreciate how tough things are for you at the moment. Good news about your cycle kicking in but I can imagine that's difficult to navigate while you're feeling like this. I hope things improve soon! Xx

Hey @SunStruck thankfully I'm feeling loads better thanks. I've been quite busy catching up with people and trying to get my fitness back. It's nice to feel a bit more human. Good luck for your scan on Thursday! Xx

Thank you @Catconfusion ❤️ It is challenging to navigate between this and being positive and hopeful for a new pregnancy, it's a lot to process in the same time.

I'm glad you're feeling better, you so deserve a break and just feeling good so you can enjoy yourself. It's been a rough ride for you ❤️ xxx