First Pregnancy Missed Miscarriage (Part 4)

[Kiki061190]

Hi ladies!

Our previous thread is now full so I’ve made a new one 😘

@MrsMGE Nobody tells you that TTC is just a constant limbo land. Waiting for a BFP, waiting for your first scan and then every scan after. It’s not an easy job! Respect to our mothers for doing it.

Ladies,

Just want to say thank you for this thread. Had 12 week scan on Friday and no heartbeat found - baby stopped growing around 7 weeks. Had SMM today and came on here to find some support. Have found skimming through this thread very comforting and just want to say thank you.

X

Hey @MrsMGS I think I offered my condolences on the April thread. I'm so sorry. This thread was a lifeline for me after my mmc in February. I continue to check in despite expecting again.

I'm sure it will offer you plenty of support and information. For now take care of yourself. It's a long journey ahead but you will get there despite being changed forever by what you've been through. Xx

@Catconfusion thank you. Glad today is over with and looking to the future and hopefully getting pregnant again soon.

Your stories all bring me hope - finding it difficult not to be pessimistic and convince myself that this miscarriage means no children ever - so it's heart warming to read other peoples experiences now they're out the other side. All the best with your pregnancy, hope you're managing to enjoy it! X

That was odd, I thought for a moment it was my post due to your similar nickname @Mrsmgs 🤦🏼‍♀️ Been a long week! Welcome & sorry you're finding yourself in this position. Thanks for your kind words, it's good to know we're helping other ladies too. Take care of yourself now xx

@Kiki061190 Indeed! No one ever tells you about the emotional side of things, every single stage is so emotionally loaded. I sometimes feel like a crazy woman, how can one possibly have so many ups & downs within a space of a month, week, or even 24 hrs?! Mental. That's me now. I sometimes miss the old me who was just free of all this, you know. I feel a bit like my spirit has been tied down now, whether I want it or not, my whole world revolves around having a baby and I don't enjoy my life as much as I used to before. I wish things were different. 😔 Xxx

@MrsMGS I am so sorry to hear your news. I’ve also experienced a MMC earlier this year in May, the ladies on this thread have been the most amazing support system for me these past few months!

@MrsMGE I know what you mean about losing yourself. I think it would be different had our first experiences not been negative. Now there’s so much anxiety and so much more to think about in terms of TTC. I’m not a fan! I’m glad we have each other on this thread though as it’s hard to talk about these things day to day with people who haven’t had the same experience. They don’t understand the anxiety!

@Kiki061190 No, they don't, that's true. They are climbing Snowdon, we're climbing Everest. But we'll get there, I've said it before, team work makes the dream work 💪❤️ What are you up to tonight?

You know, I was thinking the other day, when (and I'd like to say when, and not if) we all have our babies, I think I'd like us to be on another thread again and talk about them growing up, about how we have changed as women, how we are. Just like we are now. I know we're behind the screens, and we are different people, but you all have brought so much to my life, gave me a lot to think about, and I've opened up on here even more do than I do in front of my closest friends. It's just special.

That's it now, because I'm getting all soppy, you know me, I ain't soppy (not on the outside 😉) ❤️ xxx

@Kiki061190 good luck today hun, i will be thinking of you all day!!!! I'm sure it's going to be great news! 🤗

@Catconfusion one more day for you, so exciting. Can tell people very soon 😄 how's the sickness?

@MrsMGE I thought the exact same thing, we do have to follow each other later on too! This thread has been a lifeline for me for sure, no one even knows I'm pregnant this time around as so many things can go wrong and I'm just not ready to have the conversation 'miscarriage again 🙄' and get peoples pity looks 😳 I haven't spoken to anyone in real life apart from DH of course. And to be honest, not that many people are going through the same thing - I have several friends happily pregnant with their first, very breezy and no hiccups. I'll be honest I was gutted when you wanted to leave the thread for a bit as we've been following each other (even though I definitely understand) - Haha who is soppy now 🥺😳😄 it would be great to continue that no matter of when some lucky ladies are out of the woods soon, some might might get pregnant again but not have an easy road (again), some still TTC. It doesn't matter where we are on our journey, I think the people behind matter, and we've all been in the same boat so know the feeling!

Soon time for spa weekend, I'm so jealous! DH is away for 10 days on a trip booked since long, so will be a chilled almost two weeks with the pets and Netflix 😁

@MrsMGS I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you 😔 this is a great thread to be part of for support. The whole getting cycles back to normal, headspace to 'sort of normal' and starting to TTC again is daunting, but you'll get there. And you can vent here as much as you want. I think we all had the feeling of that maybe this means no babies ever (we all had mmc's), but @Catconfusion and @Kiki061190 are just due their 12 week scan today and tomorrow, so we definitely have lots of happy stories here 😄 and I think the OP of this thread @sadtoday21 is quite far along now, isn't she?

@zoomies1 I hope you are doing okay? Haven't heard from you for a while so just checking in 😄

Hey @SunStruck I've felt a little better thanks. Still gagging a bit like I might be sick but a bit more chirpy.

Interesting discussion about how mc has changed us. I accidentally found a text message I sent a friend the week before I found out about the mmc with the first pregnancy. I was about 9 weeks pregnant at the time. The whole tone reads like a different person. I sound so excited about the baby. There's a little bit of anxiety but it's completely different. The sad thing is it feels like a completely different experience being pregnant again. There's this disbelief of the pregnancy resulting in a baby despite the positive scans and likelihood of it working out. Of course I'm grateful and happy but it's so hard to believe in it.

Anyway I'm so looking forward to getting the scan done on Friday. Then we're away on Saturday and Sunday night for our anniversary. We're going to Oxford so very excited. Just hoping the sickness is ok.

Have a lovely weekend ladies! Xx

@Catconfusion The sad thing is that deep inside I know I was the happiest I've ever been when I discovered I was expecting my first baby. It just felt complete, I was really peaceful, I knew everything was going to be alright and the timing was as good as it could have been. It was perfect. And then it suddenly crashed. I still sometimes think about how it's happened, and everything else that has happened to me this year, and I think, holy shit, is this real, how am I still standing, and if the exact same happened to someone else I know, I'd be so devastated for them I probably wouldn't know what to say anymore not to upset them further.

I have grown up in ways I didn't expect, or perhaps sometimes didn't want? But it's here, it's part of me now. I've internalised the experience largely, and like I said earlier, I try to separate it from the joy of pregnancy. I'd like to believe what's happened will not define my whole life, including any future pregnancies. I want to believe that the happiest day of my life is still ahead of me and that it will be the day when I hold my little, healthy baby. And maybe then I will reevaluate my understanding of "happiness" for good.
Inevitably, we will always be more anxious after this, in pregnancy and I also find in real life in general. I am far more anxious of losing people who I love. I am anxious of car accidents, of terminal illnesses, big changes. I had this anxiety in me before, but not to that extent. This experience changes you forever and you feel it every day, in different ways. I actually think it's always there, just translates to different thoughts and behaviours in different people. This can only be understood by those who have also suffered loss. Xxx

@SunStruck You soppy bugger, you've made me smile-cry! 😘 One day closer today. Keep going. Are you on your own with this in real life then cause no one knows but us and DH is away? Do you think it would be possible to speak to one person, just in case you need any help? How rubbish he's not there right now with you, sending you lots of love & hugs ❤️❤️❤️

@zoomies1 I know you've decided to take a step back, but just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you xxx

@SunStruck @MrsMGE @Catconfusion Yes! Let’s keep a thread going because at one point it will be play dates and temper tantrums and we will need one another to stay sane! 😂

Scan is this afternoon at half 3 ladies. I spent last night googling the chances of a second MMC in a row. So annoyed at myself because I’ve convinced myself it’s bad news. Is it bad to say I feel like I have so much more to lose today? I have managed to get to 12 weeks which is 3 weeks further than my last pregnancy.

@MrsMGE you've absolutely hit the nail on the head with that post. I completely identify with everything you've said. My first pregnancy felt perfect. I'd just got back from my honeymoon. It felt right despite how ill I was. I bonded with that baby and believed I would meet him/her. Little did I know how early development stopped. At 10 weeks I was carrying a tiny 6 week baby with no heartbeat.

For a while I thought being pregnant again would put it right and I'd feel like I did the first time - overwhelmingly happy. Don't get me wrong I'm pleased and grateful but it's not a magic fix after all that pain. I've not bonded nearly as well with this baby despite seeing it wriggle around on scans. I'm hoping that will change as I get further in. I know I won't be completely ok until baby is here.

I also feel like maybe something else might happen. Maybe I'll lose someone else. My Dad is getting older and has a heart problem, my husband isn't immortal to car crashes and my dog is now 12 and could get suddenly ill. I guess it just gives you an overwhelming sense of what mortality is. I've been lucky enough not to lose anyone close apart from my grandparents so it's been an eye opener for me.

Anyway I guess the only thing to do is have hope that it will all work out ok. To appreciate loved ones and friends every time we see them. Awful things happen to people all the time. Occasionally they happen to us. We can't control it. So we just have to do the best we can with what we can control.

I really hope everyone on this thread gets to take home their baby soon! Xx

@Kiki061190 You always have a lot to lose but I can only imagine it's very scary to be aware another loss may happen. And of course you've had longer with your little bean already.

I googled the same stats and my conclusion was that it's SO unlikely to have another MMC in a row that that's not something to worry about. Are you having an anxiety spike thinking the worst right now? I get it, but honestly those stats are not bad at all, and you will be fine today. Will be thinking of you ❤️❤️❤️ xxx

@Kiki061190 it's completely natural to google that stuff. You want to know the odds. I've been doing similar though remember recurrent mc is quite rare, especially at our stage after a heartbeat.

Also completely identify with feeling like there's more to lose. The last scan at over 10 weeks showed an actual living baby. My first baby was a tiny blob. I still loved it but definitely feels like it would be worse to lose again. For me I'm also worried about my age as it takes so long to recover and I'll be 41 by then.

Anyway the chances are very good for us both. We just have to try and relax then go for it! Think as positively as we can until proven wrong! Xx

@Catconfusion I couldn't agree more. I've also become aware of all the bad stuff happening to people around me, it's interesting how perhaps I was too self centred before to notice everything that goes on. I'm more compassionate and understanding now I think. That's a positive.

There are three things that I say to myself when I feel rubbish or anxious at times, one is "Make the most of what you have", exactly what you said, love people around cause we don't know what's around the corner. Have gratititude. 2. is "The best is yet to come" because I do believe that having a healthy baby one day will be the best time, although with its own challenges. 3. Is a quote I read somewhere a while ago and it is "There's one thing I learnt about life in all these years: it goes on." So no matter what, we have to go on too. We've done it, and we will keep going. Xxx

@MrsMGE lovely words and advice ❤️

Also dark thoughts and feelings are normal and natural. All we can do is let them come and go with compassion for ourselves and increased awareness and understanding. Like you say these are skills we've got better at through this trauma. Xxx

@MrsMGE I know you are so right! I’m glad I have work until the afternoon because it’ll keep me busy and take my mind off wandering to a bad place. To see me you’d think I was completely composed and fine but i am so so nervous!

@Catconfusion It’s so hard isn’t it?! The recovery is so long and I don’t think I could go back to TTC quickly again if it’s another loss. It’s too hard!

@Kiki061190 I was thinking the same. I'd need some time. Hopefully neither of us will be in that position! Xx

You definitely hit the nail on the head @MrsMGE ! Looking back I can't believe I was so naive 🤣 one test, positive; waiting 4 weeks for 6 week scan, heartbeat, booked 10 week scan for my lunch hour at work and dragged DH with me for his first scan (he was away during the first viability scan) - No heartbeat. Was really hard to go back to work to pretend all fine!

It's a shame we're all so careful the next time around. I envy the women not having anxious pregnancies because they haven't gone through something like this.

@Kiki061190 I've also googled chance for recurrent miscarriages, apparently it's 2% - you'll be fine x I hope you and @Catconfusion Will be less anxious when you see your babies today/tomorrow, and that you can enjoy your pregnancy more going forward.

I can't believe my bad luck should this happen to me again (will know more on Sunday). It's so frustrating!

@MrsMGE @SunStruck @Catconfusion Thank you so much ladies. Your support has meant the world to me ♥️ Work has helped the morning past very quickly so far. The hard bit is sitting in that waiting room!

@SunStruck I'm so sorry you have this wait to know what's going on. It's torturous. I have everything crossed it's all ok for you! Xx

@Kiki061190 completely agree. This thread is a life line. I'm so grateful to @sadtoday21 for starting it and for everyone past and present who's contributed. Xx

@SunStruck I really hope you get clarity soon! Your attitude has been so positive and amazing ♥️

@Catconfusion Definitely! I feel strange when I haven’t spoken to you ladies each day!