First Pregnancy Missed Miscarriage (Part 4)

[Kiki061190]

Hi ladies!

Our previous thread is now full so I’ve made a new one 😘

Hey @SunStruck, CD12 today for me as well. Another flashing smiley, been dtd for two nights in a row now, might take a break tonight, we'll see. The weird thing is that Femometer isn't really showing a much darker second line, it's still faint. I'm surprised cause it's my third day with a flashing smiley, so surely LH should be on the rise now? Unless I have a particularly long fertility window, or maybe I have particularly high estrogen in general and the Clearblue all false?! Saying that, I had two low Fertility days on Clearblue at first, so not sure how it could be wrong. I'm so confused now.

One thing I have clarified before my flashing smiley (if anyone on here is reading this and asking that question), the Clearblue team say to use the same holder throughout the entire cycle, so if you haven't had a flashing smiley yet and run out of test sticks, you just buy another pack, but use the same holder in that cycle, otherwise your results will be incorrect as the new holder won't "remember" your previous hormone levels, and you may miss out on High/Peak Fertility days as a result.

At this rate, I might have a different problem, I'll keep having the flashing smiley and run out of test sticks! I guess I should know from tomorrow's smiley if my suspected fertility window is indeed longer, if it's still flashing then it is at least 6 days by the looks of things, if it goes steady then it's the "standard" 5. I'm just paranoid about high estrogen now because I googled it and I have several "symptoms" of it, I have heavy periods with blood clots, I've gained weight more so than I normally would despite living a fairly healthy and active lifestyle (although not massively), I have bad PMS and I just don't know now. Trying not to worry about this now and just dtd, fingers crossed! 🤞

Hope your scan goes well, let us know ❤️ xxx

@MrsMGE I got 9 days of the flashing smiley faces and I just gave up. I did actually ovulate during those 9 days but CB never picked it up. I think my LH surge is super short. It’s so expensive to keep buying those sticks! Btw I also have periods that have clots in it, I have done my whole life so I wouldn’t worry. Google is the enemy!

@SunStruck It’s so amazing you can check on your follicles! Hopefully one is growing nicely and this is your week ♥️ As women we do feel the pressure of age, especially once you’ve had a loss as it takes some time to get back to normal. TTC isn’t as easy as everyone else makes it out to be!

Thanks for the info @MrsMGE. I’m loving your determination this month! I’m still angry with my GP. The hospital she suggested doesn’t even deal with fertility!!

I’m in Austria now and having a fab time. Lots of exercise, fresh air and good food. I’ve only just started tracking again to confirm ovulation and I think I’m CD14 so we’ll see.

My friend had her twins which is lovely but I should probably stay off social media whilst I’m away as it is still quite hard to see. I am also enjoying feeling detached from normal life. Problem is, she is my friend and they are so bloody gorgeous that I want to see them!

Hello ladies, sorry for the absence I’ve been super sick.

@zoomies1 have a lovely time in Austria. I can imagine it’s tough to see your friends twins so take your time and I’m sure when the time is right you’ll be ok. I waited until my friends baby was a little bigger than new newborn and that helped. Xx

@MrsMGE I do really feel your pain with the flashing smilies. I had ten of them but then I have irregular cycles. I hope you get a static soon! Xx

@SunStruck try not to worry about egg quality, especially with normal hormones. I have pco too and this baby was conceived on day 32 of my cycle and it’s looking very healthy. I had a chat with my doctor about egg quality and she doesn’t think pco means the eggs are not as good just it’s more difficult to predict when ovulation happens. Poor quality follicles will not usually be released. If they are they’re unlikely to be fertilised. That’s why recurrent miscarriage is so rare. I’m 40 now and been told even though I’ve had two miscarriages and pco it’s unlikely to be egg quality and more bad luck. I hope you get some good news soon! Xx

No follicles have grown 😔 they're giving me shots now (FSH stimulating hormone, called Gonal) and I'm due back for a scan on Thursday. I feel pretty sad now actually, I thought it would be quicker than this... nothing with TTC is quick though is it 🙄 I need to inject myself on Wednesday (stomach), luckily I'm not scared of needles!

@MrsMGE I hope you get your solid smiley soon ❤️ last cycle (which was the first cycle after d&c) I got a flashing smiley for 9 days in a row 🙄 so hopefully you don't have to wait as long!

@Catconfusion thanks for your words, you do give me hope :) hopefully the sickness will subside soon. Did they ever give you anything for your PCOS? Xx

@zoomies1 So glad you are having a fab time on holiday! You truly deserve it ♥️ It’s hard when it feels like everyone is announcing pregnancies and having babies around you!

@SunStruck So sorry about the follicles. I’m sure one will be growing nicely for you ♥️ It’s taking its time but it will be worth it!

Thanks @Kiki061190, you're so right, sometimes reading too much about something may just have the opposite effect and drive you mad! I'm going to stop googling and just go with the flow, hoping for the best! Did you conceive with a flashing smiley? How are you today? ❤️

@zoomies1 Thanks! Austria sounds awesome. Stay off social media whilst you're away, it's the best way to relax and enjoy your well deserved holiday. And re your friend, maybe do go and see them at some point after you're back? Maybe it is just going to be fine? I find babies irresistible now, seeing them no longer upsets me, which I find very surprising (but positive!).
Your GP sounds useless, can you find out more info re where is best to be referred to in your area and go again, armed with this information? Or go private (expensive but no more unnecessary faff)?

Thank you @Catconfusion, I hope so too! How are you doing today?

@SunStruck Sorry to hear this! What's the plan of action now, injections and what next - are we hoping they'll stimulate the follicles within this cycle now? Can you check this somehow, e.g. have another scan in a few days' time? I know it's not the news you wanted to hear, but to be fair, the most important thing is that you know what's going on and you're acting on it. It will be fine ❤️ xxx

So I had a major panic/anxiety feeling today in work, for some reason I'm now paranoid that I will have a stillbirth or that my second baby will have a life limiting condition discovered during pregnancy and that s/he won't live. I don't know where this is coming from, but I'm completely freaking out. I think it's still that feeling of loss making its appearance, this time mixed with knowing that I may potentially get pregnant soon. I don't know how to deal with this, I'm trying to distract myself, but all I've done on my break today was googling the statistics and various tests, I don't want to do this again 😣

Continuing the shit year trend, DH's close friend passed away a couple of days ago (terminal cancer). He was in his 30s and left young children behind. It's just awful and I think it's exacerbated my feelings of loss again. I'm coming to a conclusion that grief will be an inherent part of my life forever, and by the looks of things, it may well be kept live for a very long time 😔 xxx

Also, my work colleague today told me that I'm doing so well and it's so good I'm back to my usual self "after such a long time". I know she probably meant well, but I'm fuming inside, it's been 11 weeks since my baby died, how f*ing clueless some people are about how long it takes to pick yourself back up after something like this. Some people never pick themselves up. Stupid idiot.

@MrsMGE I never conceived that cycle but knew I ovulate as I had been temping that month. I actually stopped opks for my second cycle and fell pregnant then. I found it all too much to remember! Sorry about your DH loss, it is so unfair that some people lose their life so young. What a shame for his family! Sounds like your co worker has made a poor choice of words there. Everyone is different in terms of recovery time and I think some people don’t fully grasp the situation unless they have been in it themselves. So many women in my work place have been through all kinds of miscarriage through to still birth and they have been incredibly supportive ♥️

hi everyone, this is my first time on here so I'm not sure if I'm doing this right...Let me know if this isn't right to put on here and I'll remove it.

I'm currently miscarrying and I feel a bit better when I'm relaying the story. I don't know why, maybe bits in the back of my head are slowly making sense of it the more I say it.

I started with the brown discharge on Wednesday last week. I was at work (well in the loo at work) and it knocked the breath out of me. I just didn't expect it. I'd had my booking in with my midwives the day before. It took me a while to get hold of the right person with the contact details I was given but I wasn't too worried because everything online said that could be totally normal to have brown discharge. Even a friend of mine who had a healthy pregnancy had brown discharge for a bit.

I knew it wasn't ok when a midwife answered the phone and was really gentle with me. And then when the GP on the phone was really gentle with me too. I got referred to the EPU and told to go to a drop in for 9am the next day for a scan.
That night I got up for a wee at about 3am (as had been the habit since before I knew I was pregnant) and the first thing I noticed was my boobs didn't hurt anymore. That's when I knew. I went to the bathroom and there was blood on the tissue. I just knew then and there and I was crushed.

I was in the EPU at 8am the next morning for drop in and got seen before 9am.
I should have been 9+6, according to my booking in, but the EPU took my dates to mean 10+2. So I guess I was somewhere inbetween. It doesn't really matter that much really now I guess. And from there my story was really familiar to others I've read on here. Sonograph wouldn't pick anything up so I had a transvaginal scan. She rummaged around for ages and I just knew it was gone. She held my knee and just said 'I'm so sorry my love'. She showed me the screen and the sac was empty. She thinks it didn't make it past 6 weeks.
I got sent home to miscarry naturally. No offer of anything else, which is fine because I don't think I'd have taken it. The nurse was really nice though, they took us into a room for a chat and a plan. I'd got my 12 week scan booked in and she offered to cancel it for me. She booked me in for my follow up scan there and then and signed me off sick for two weeks. She reassured me I did nothing wrong. She was lovely. They all were. She probably had to have that conversation multiple times a day (big city hospital) and she was so kind.

That night I started bleeding properly. Huge golf ball clots and contractions. Not just cramps. You could time these things. It was only really bad that one night and it's just been pretty steady since.

This bit is a bit graphic though, so if you're sensitive don't read this.

On Saturday evening, I was getting ready to go to my brother in laws 40th (life doesn't stop does it?) and I felt something trying to pass. It was different to the clots that just slipped out. I looked down and there was something hanging out. Stringy and pink and mucusy. I pulled it out and it came out easily. It was about 3 inches long and an inch wide, and it had that sinewy look that the outside of a hagis has. It looked like liver and the texture was tougher than a clot. I think it was the sack and it had split. That's really messed me up. I can't not think about it. It was so visceral. I smell like a butchers shop. I can smell it all the time.

I'm 33 and this was my first pregnancy. I think I'm ok. I expected to be worse as I have history of depression and anxiety. I'm trying to be pragmatic as I know this happens to so many people. It's been less than a week and I'm still bleeding.

My best friend is currently pregnant. One week ahead of me. I'm just so angry. I feel let down by the universe. I can't imagine what it's going to be like watching her go to term. I'm so angry and sad and exhausted.

I can't even go on social media to kill time because the algorithms are just showing me baby things,

Actually, if anyone wants it I've just installed a google chrome extension to block baby pictures. It's called Baby Blocker. I wish it worked on everything but I think it just works on Facebook.

Thanks @Kiki061190 ❤️ You're right about everything. I shouldn't worry about what people who haven't been through it have to say. I also really need to stop overthinking and overpreparing myself for the worst, in reality nothing bad is happening. My mind is playing tricks with me because it's still grieving, and that's where the scary thoughts come from. I'm sorry I've spilled it out on here, I'm sure you have your own anxiety and fears whilst pg and don't need any more of that. I'll try to get my mind back on track. ❤️

@anotherypasswordtoremember Welcome and sorry for your loss. This is a lovely crowd and you can vent and rant on here safely. I think it's all very fresh and raw and it's completely understandable you're feeling this way. The best thing you can do now is to take one day at a time, try not to think about how you're going to react in few months time when your friend is further along as your feelings and state of mind will be different then. What you're going through now is the toughest period. It does get better, in time. Put yourself first, both, physically and mentally and do whatever you can to feel better. Social media make people feel shit even at best of times, so come off them for now and focus on getting better. Be kind to your body and mind ❤️ Sending you lots of love xx

@MrsMGE sending hugs! 🤗 you've had such a tough year, of course you're going to have a few wobbly moments! It's difficult when us women need to go through this and then expect to keep our s*hit together at all times and 'go back to ourseleves'. It's difficult when other people around are getting pregnant too... we are a big group of friends that got married around the same year, and one couple fell on their honeymoon and sailed through without any scans before the 12 week, which showed a healthy baby. Another are trying and I know they will get pregnant before us, she's got normal cycles and are not even tracking, just dtd when they feel like it. I couldn't imagine being in that position 😔

And then you've had other losses. Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up, you'll have good and bad days still. Good days will probably show its face more than bad days though with time 😘

How's you're opk going? Yes so I've had an injection yesterday and will inject myself tomorrow, then scan on Thursday. I know it's awful but I've just spent 3 hours yesterday googling IVF and cost out here just in case. I feel more and more it was all just a fluke to fall 😔

I'll be honest I haven't been my healthiest as I've had holidays and now bank holidays, but now it's back to basics and cooking a lot rather than takeaways. It's just so difficult to stay on a really healthy path when it's taking so long to ttc. It was easy when pregnant as I obviously didn't do it just for me anymore. It's difficult with this PCO as I'm on a healthy weight too, so it feels like it's my fault the ovaries should be working (as no hormonal issues, no weight issues), so it must be down to my diet 🤦🏻‍♀️ I know thinking like this isn't helping!

Sorry for the rant 😄 fingers crossed for your solid xxx

@anotherypasswordtoremember I am so sorry to hear, how horrific for you. 💐 Did you have to go to the party anyway? I feel like I'm pretending a lot after this miscarriage. It's such a personal thing and nothing I want to announce to the world, so this is a safe place to vent. This was also my first, I know how you feel 😔 so many hopes and dreams gone in a second. I had a d&c though (or actually 2 because the first didn't clear it all), so didn't have to go through what you did.

How are you feeling now? Take care of yourself (and DH, I know we all vent but I think sometimes I do forget that DH had a loss too)! He was devastated but stayed strong for me. Almost to the point I thought he didn't really care, but that wasn't the case !

@Kiki061190 thanks hun, hoping for something to grow for Thursday! I'm just concerned if this isn't working, what would be the next step for me? The thing is that I'm only doing this to ovulate quicker, I do always ovulate myself though albeit late. Hopefully it means I'm not completely broken inside! How's are you feeling, not as sick anymore? Any cravings yet? 😄

Sorry for the bold 🤦🏻‍♀️

Sorry to add on about diet. My diet is great during the weeks and then weekend love to go out eating and have wine. So I beat myself up over that too, but I just find that I'd literally have no joy in my life otherwise ha-ha. But I find it's a blame game when ttc and I can't help to me hard on myself!

@MrsMGE You’re a string woman! We all have those worries about what could go wrong. I have no symptoms and I’m just like ok it’s another missed miscarriage. In my heart I’ve got my mind set on it’s not good news! Last time I lost my symptoms both babies had passed. When you’ve been through it you struggle to get pass negative thoughts.

@SunStruck Noooo I don’t feel sick or feel anything any more which is just making me super anxious. My gut feeling told me last time it was bad news and I have the same feeling this time! IVF is really effective but I honestly think you will fall yourself without any issues ♥️

@anotherypasswordtoremember Thank you for sharing your story. That must have been incredibly hard to go through and also to write. It’s horrible that our bodies convince us we are still pregnant so many weeks after the baby has stopped growing. It is a horrific experience!

@MrsMGE people can be the worst. It’s not their fault, they are trying but it’s rubbish when they say things that almost trivialise the pain you’re feeling. I guess generally people are just trying to think of something positive to say but it comes off as though they’re ignoring the devastation mc causes.

I’m unfortunately not good at all but thanks for asking. The sickness is getting worse and the medication doesn’t seem to be working. I’m so grateful to be pregnant but it’s tough being this ill. I can’t really do much and I’m too sick to get much sleep. I’m giving it one more day and then I’ll see my go again. Xx

@SunStruck no I didn’t take anything for the pco. I was waiting for a fertility appointment when I fell pregnant. No doubt they would have prescribed something had I not fell naturally. I hope you have some luck this cycle. Xx

@anotherypasswordtoremember I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so tough and heartbreaking too. You’re definitely on the right thread for support. These ladies have been a lifeline! Xx

Another day, another flashing smiley, and another dtd session for me. I've started thinking that this is never going to end! Femometer today still showing low LH level, it's freaking me out. I don't know if I have the patience and the willingness to keep tracking next month tbh. Anyways!

@SunStruck I hope the injections help. Let us know how it goes. I can imagine being on a diet if you don't really need to is very frustrating. I don't think you should blame yourself for an odd glass of wine or for eating junk on holiday. Sometimes we just need a break, if you didn't allow yourself those little things, your mental health would suffer immensely and you'd be in a bad place for TTC then. You're doing very well ❤️ Re IVF costs, I've checked that too and if needed we'll give it a go, but I'm hoping it won't come to that.

Conclusion: Google is our enemy, unfortunately, it just feeds in to existing anxiety and I'll try to avoid it at costs

@Catconfusion I'm so sorry, lovely, it must be really hard on you. In fairness, if you have HG, I think you're totally allowed to moan regardless of the circumstances (ie previous losses). You must be feeling so rough, it's totally justified. I take it no special diets helped?

@Kiki061190 Thank you, lovely ❤️ We're all strong. How is your holiday prep going? And how is your week off?

Xxx

@MrsMGE I honestly wouldn’t worry about the flashies, just keep dtd every 2 days and you’ll have it covered. I was actually sick yesterday for the first time! Was so unusual as it felt like it came out of nowhere. I’ve felt completely fine after though. Have just been so exhausted this week so I’m glad to have the week off before holiday to get myself in order and get some rest. I really need to start packing today though!

@Kiki061190 Ahhh see, it was probably just a temporary dip in the symptoms then like we were saying 😊 Yeah, chill out and don't overdo it now, you gotta enjoy yourself next week.

Yet another flashing smiley today and still no LH surge on Femometer. I'm getting frustrated now because this Femometer app doesn't recognise LH level properly. It has this intelligent recognition option which shows a different result each time, even though I take photos as advised. It's ridiculous. Anyway regardless of that the second line is still faint 😔 I'm finding this whole tracking business is stressing me out even more than expected and I'm not sure if I want to continue next month 😔

thanks everyone

@MrsMGE thanks ❤️ you're completely right, google is your worst enemy haha! Trying to stay strong and not google anymore. Yeah don't worry about the flashing ones, just keep going every other day until solid (no need for everyday!). Yeah I know we need to live a little in between. 😄

@Catconfusion that sounds horrendous 😢 poor you to feel so sick. The Dr can't do more apart from giving those pills you're having?

@Kiki061190 every pregnancy is different x I know it's hard but try to trust your body. How long to go until your scan? X

@MrsMGE Honestly I found the whole tracking thing stressful, I only managed for one month! When I forgot about it, it happened! I swear it’s a mentality thing. I feel fine again today. Weather is awful today so I’m staying indoors all day!

@SunStruck My next scan is October 3rd. I know you are so right, I guess I’m feeling anxious as my last pregnancy stopped progressing at 8 weeks and I’m 8 weeks tomorrow. I went on for another week and a half not knowing something was wrong until I had a scan. I don’t want to go have a private scan when I’m back from holiday as I didn’t like the women who performed the scan as much as the NHS. I found them too rough and it wasn’t a great environment. Somehow felt safer in the hospital which probably sounds crazy!

Hey @SunStruck sadly the stronger drugs are far more risky. I think the cyclizine has stopped me puking but I still feel sick 24/7. Also I think I’m getting better sleep on the tablets. I hate taking them but got so fed up. I’m still not able to do much but at least I’m a bit more comfortable. Xx

@MrsMGE when I spoke to the nurse yesterday she said sounds like HG. I’ve tried a bland diet, lots of carbs, not eating much and nothing really works. If anything eating what I fancy seems to work best. At least on the meds I’m not vomiting. I just hope it eases off in a few weeks. Xx