First Pregnancy Missed Miscarriage

[sadtoday21]

Hi ladies! Our last thread was automatically closed because we reached the 1,000 post limit. I was hoping we would be able to start a new thread called First Pregnancy Post-MMC, but unfortunately we are not quite there yet. I know we will be someday soon! In the meantime, I hope you will all join me on here as we continue on this journey together. You have all been an invaluable source of inspiration, support, and kindness for me and I want to thank you for making me feel less alone in this.

About me, for any newcomers: First MMC in February at 12 weeks (baby passed at nine), D&C the next day, found out five weeks later that it was a partial molar pregnancy and currently undergoing follow-up with CX. Second early mc in April. Now impatiently waiting to be cleared from CX before ttc again.

@NBparis I'm sorry things have been so tough.

Everyone's stories are so different and I am happy to hear good news but it doesn't mean that I am not scared of AS and I am finding it increasingly hard to be around pregnant people and to hear their announcements. Even though I have no idea about their personal history or struggles. I think its because nothing is happening as quickly as I thought it would and I feel like I have no control. The waiting is really hard. Hopefully things will go quicker for you. There is no reason they wouldn't.

I wondered if the length of time it took for my negative was related to how high my hormone levels were and how sick I was. I found out about the MMC the day before I flew out on honeymoon (a few months after our wedding). I still couldn't drink (and didn't want to), couldn't fit in any of my clothes, couldn't go running because I was so breathless and was sick most days and it was all for nothing.

@zoomies1 I completely understand how hard it is to take other people's news. I find it very hard to be happy for others or even to cope at all around some people who are pregnant or with young babies. It all feels so so unfair, and it is unfair. My cycles have always been very long so there is absolutely no reason to be positive about this one being reasonable. I think I should probably settle in for the long haul but like you, I am so impatient to get on with things. I am contemplating seeing a herbalist just for something to do while I wait for the next IVF.
Your experience of MMC sounds particularly awful, timing-wise. I was the same - nauseous and bloated and exhausted. I wanted to drink but couldn't. I was only six weeks along this time too so I don't think my hormone levels could have been that high, although I definitely felt more symptoms than the first time. How far along were you?

@NBparis, I was just under nine weeks but the baby died at just over six. I couldn't understand why I was still having symptoms so long after. They were getting worse and I couldn't even be around my husband at the end because something about the way he smelled made me gag - which was actually quite funny although I felt bad for him. I was so happy we weren't sitting next to each other on the plane!

The one positive was that it gave me time to process the news away from work before I had the confirmation scan.

I think I'm struggling because my cycles were always regular and normal. I had the mirena coil for four years and only had one light period before getting pregnant so I don't know what my new 'normal' is yet. I'm used to everything being ok. This does not feel ok.

@zoomies1 I'm so sorry you've had such an awful time. It's really hard when your body doesn't realise the loss and continues feeling pregnant.

I hope everything settles down for you soon. I think it's a great sign that your cycles were so regular before. Once things settle down, hopefully your cycles will be as they were before and you'll know where you stand. I just hope that happens soon for you as you've been through an awful lot. x

@sadtoday21 I'm going to wait until it's been another week before testing again. If somehow my cycles miraculously snap back to how they were before then that'd also be around when af is due. From what you and @zoomies1 have said at least I can feel that it's not too unusual to not have a bfn yet.

I can't believe your original sample seems to have turned up. I really hope this means you finally get the result you've been waiting so long for.

@AnnaMC214 I'm so sorry you haven't got your negative yet. I hope it comes when you test. How are you feeling other than that? Xx

@zoomies1 Its so distressing being that ill and even more so when the pregnancy isn't progressing. I was vomiting right up until I had my surgery at 12 weeks even though baby passed at 6/7 weeks. It messes with your mind when you've felt that pregnant. I couldn't work for 6 weeks of the pregnancy. I could barely stand without feeling nauseous. Everyone tells you it's a great sign and you're less likely to miscarry - then you find out you have already lost the baby. Rationally I know it was the placenta and in some cases it behaves as if the pregnancy is progressing but it's so cruel. As you probably did I told myself it'll be worth it when the baby is here. I even avoided anti sick meds because I was afraid they'd affect the pregnancy. It's just so tough having been so ill. My heart really does go out to you! Xx

Thanks @NBparis

I'm sorry to hear about the difficult position with you sister. Even the bad situations of others can make our own luck seem worse. Miscarriage and infertility can bring up some strange feelings and emotions. I was trying for several years with my ex in my early 30s. I found out he had a low sperm count in the end and he'd known but hid it from me. Of course I had blamed my own body during this time as I knew I had mild pcos. I reached a point where I couldn't bear to be around anyone pregnant. Then my sister fell pregnant with her second child first time she tried. It felt so unfair as she had one child and had severe PCOS, mine is much milder. It made me angry with her which I hated as not her fault. I was eventually able to be happy for her when my situation changed and I split with my ex (largely for lying about his sperm count). Maybe your situation will change and that'll help your relationship with your sister. I truly hope you get some good news soon! Xx

Thanks @Catconfusion - I feel a bit all over the place tbh. On the one hand I have more energy than I've had in months and I've been taking advantage by sorting things around the house etc which has made me feel quite a bit more positive. On the other hand I think my hormones are a bit haywire and I'm anxious about what's going on. I've had twingy pains again today, my face and chest have completely errupted with spots and (this is a bit odd) I seem to be losing way more hair than usual! I just want af now so I can start to feel like things are back to normal a bit. How have you been today? Do you still feel like you might be coming down with something? xx

Great that you're getting on with house stuff. It does feel really good when it's done. It's so frustrating when there's so much to do but no energy to do it. Great that's coming back now. I have to say I had falling out hair as my hormone levels were dropping. It was really scary but it stopped after a while. The twitchy pains sound familiar too. It is frustrating but hopefully AF won't be too far away. Do you usually get spots before a period?

Whatever it was has gone thank goodness. I've been doing more nesting and tidying today with DH. We're just looking at some stuff we have planned in the next few weeks. Annoyingly I have a 40th birthday with friends when I'll be 12 dpo so might have to do an FRER that morning. I won't be able to drink even if i get a negative as would want to test again in a couple of days to check. I'll probably just drive so DH can drink.

It's so hard to not revolve our whole lives around ttc. Xx

@AnnaMC214 I hope you get your bfn soon! I don’t know if it took me four weeks because of the partial molar pregnancy, but I think 3-5 weeks post surgery is perfectly normal (although very frustrating!). A first long cycle is very normal too - mine was almost two months and the second cycle is also turning out to be quite long! I admire how you are able to refrain from testing and trying not to focus on it.

I called CX today and they do have another sample from me! So I will get more results tomorrow. Really hoping for some good news to end the vacation with! And also hoping for a temp rise tomorrow 🤞

Arh @sadtoday21 fingers crossed for your results and temp rise. Safe journey back! Xx

@Catconfusion it's comforting to know I'm not the only one with the hair thing! I'm hoping Olaplex will slow it down a bit. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better and you can trust your temps. I know what you mean about ttc taking over. I remember vividly having to act like I was pg during the tww each cycle. So annoying when you have an event to go to! xx

@sadtoday21 I only have 1 test left until my Amazon order arrives so it's partly necessity making me wait and partly not wanting to see another bfp. Judging by my body's reaction times so far I'd be very surprised if I didn't have a long cycle. That's great news about your sample! Sending you lots of luck for tomorrow xx

Urgh I've just had to unfriend someone on FB. She's the friend of a friend. I've never really got on with her that much. She's very sporty and outdoorsy. She lives with her partner but has often complained about him and how she misses her single life. Just this week I've seen pictures on Facebook go up of her weightlifting, running, doing assault courses etc. Anyway she's just announced she's pregnant. She's running a marathon also while pregnant. I'm probably being really immature but it makes me so mad. I love my husband and would pick him any day over my single life. We did everything we could to protect our baby including avoiding anything too strenuous and we lost it.

Sorry for the rant just really feeling how unfair this is Xx

I was just watching The Big Bang Theory and was randomly wondering how old the cast are and Googled it (I will literally Google anything it would seem!) Anyway I stumbled upon this article written by the actress Melissa Rauch.

www.glamour.com/story/actress-melissa-rauch-announces-pregnancy-and-reflects-on-miscarriage

It's really refreshing to see someone in the public eye be so open about the struggles that came before their pregnancy announcement.

@Catconfusion sorry for the cross-post. I can completely understand how you're feeling and I think unfriending her was the right thing to do and not at all immature. You don't need constant reminders of the injustice of it all. xx

@AnnaMC214 thank you. I just read that article crying. How lovely to announce a pregnancy while honouring the one she lost and women struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss. Thanks for sharing it. I needed that after seeing pictures of the acquaintance I mentioned doing marathon training and lifting weights while pregnant. Just when I thought I was doing better it's really thrown me! Xx

@AnnaMC214 I echo the thank you for that article. I love how eloquently and honestly she's written, hitting every nail on the head as she goes!

We really all have to keep in our minds that it's okay not to be okay ❤️😘

I'm just sat here wishing for Friday to come as I got a little too used to my long weekend lie-ins and feeling knackered this evening!

Xxx

@LMLP91 I know it's just such a shock though after feeling much better to fall into the abyss of it all again. Social media can be such a trigger. I think I'll stay away from it for a bit longer.

This is such a complex kind of grief and so nuanced in the way it manifests itself. I feel like hiding from everyone for about a year, or until we have our baby.

Sorry I'm on such a downer tonight! Xx

@Catconfusion, yeah, the worst thing when it happened, and I still have a lot of guilt about this, was actually feeling relieved to not feel so sick all the time!

Social media is tricky. Someone I went to uni with has just announced her pregnancy. Now every week, I get a photo pop up with a message like 'this week, my baby is the size of a baby penguin', 'this week, my baby is the size of this kitten'! It honestly didn't bother me but the longer I go without AF, the harder it is getting. And this is my first and I haven't even started with GP appointments etc - I don't know how you guys do it!

@Catconfusion I totally know what you mean about doing everything to protect the baby. It does seem really unfair that others seemingly take less care and yet everything is ok for them. You have every reason to let yourself feel upset and as you said, grief is not a linear process. Sending you hugs.

@AnnaMC214 I lost a lot of hair too due to hormones! It freaked me out as it got really thin after the surgery. It's back to normal now though without me doing anything. And of course as you know I had the spots as well. It's only starting to get better now nearly three months post d&c, but the hair does all grow back and the spots seem to fade xxx.

Hey @zoomies1 I've heard other ladies say they felt relief about the nausea going. I too woke up from the surgery and the sickness had gone. It's hard not to feel relief when you've been so ill. I have to say the weekend before we found out I was so weak and low. DH was away and I cried all morning feeling desperate. I begged for the sickness to end, not the pregnancy. If only I'd known we lost the baby weeks before.

How long is it for you now since your loss? It might be worth booking a GP appointment to have general stuff checked. I had my thyroid, vitamin b and d plus a full blood count done. It is hard dealing with gps but I've felt relieved to rule out possible causes. Sadly they won't do much until 3 losses.

Oh I would unfollow someone on Facebook posting updates like that. In fact after getting so triggered last night I'm staying off social media today completely. Xx

Thanks @sadtoday21 there's not many people I don't like so she's the worst person to make a pregnancy announcement, it you could call it that. It was more a: 'I almost had to give up my marathon because of this baby because I couldn't train as hard but luckily I'm better so I'm doing it' announcement.

I really hope you get good results today! I also hope that temp rise has happened too. If it hasn't it's likely to be just around the corner. The amount of times I've given up hope this month and now it's happened. Xx

My news today is I got another temp rise so definitely ovulated! Day 36 though. It's my new record since I started temping. I'm so relieved it's happened. I'm very on the fence about getting a bfp. Obviously it would be lovely but overall I'm just so pleased my body has kicked in. I'll do a test in ten days time but I'll stop tempting as soon as Ovusense confirms it. At least I know my AF should come in 14/15 days assuming my LP remains the same. I think a lot of the stress comes from the uncertainty and I feel like I've clawed back some of that! Xx

@Catconfusion great news! Glad it's been confirmed, must be a huge relief. I know what you mean about feeling on the fence for a BFP. I'm definitely in that place and have been thinking about it a lot in the last day or two... let the TWW commence x

@Catconfusion wow that's great news! Really pleased for you! With the whole social media issue, I still to this day haven't been back on Facebook or instagram since we found out about the MMC in November. I have to say, it feels so nice not giving a shit what other people are showing off about or the fake pictures they're posting in an attempt to try and make others envious/jealous! I especially don't miss seeing my BIL's horrible gf posting 70,000 selfies ALL THE TIME for attention either! I think she hates that I'm off social media as my DP's parents always say how well I'm doing in this process and praise me for staying away from the bullshit and it clearly eats away at her that I'm so not phased by it! 🙊

It's the little things for me lol!
Anyway, we've almost made it to the weekend...🎉

Wishing you all happy and lucky days xxx