First Pregnancy Missed Miscarriage

[sadtoday21]

Hello everyone - I've never posted on these forums before, but I had a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks and I found out at the 12 week dating scan two days ago. It was my first ever pregnancy. Yesterday, I had D&C and now recovering. Really healthy otherwise and no signs at all that anything was wrong during the pregnancy, although I never had any morning sickness.

I am really in shock and this happened on the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death (breast cancer), so the whole thing just feels like too much to handle. DH (dear husband) is very supportive, but I don't have any women friends to talk to, besides one who is more than 20 weeks pregnant and well...I just can't deal with that. Any advice on how to recover emotionally and also when to start trying again? GP said to wait 3 weeks, but I don't think I can wait that long. Please help and thank you.

In your shoes I would wait for one menstrual cycle. That generally is a sign your body is ready. I would not wait to lose weight. Your weight gain during pregnancy should be less if you are now overweight.

I am really sorry for your loss @Catconfusion and wishing you the best of luck in ttc again. I’m in somewhat of a similar situation to you and after hours and hours of researching the same question, I’ve come to these conclusions:
(1) it’s your body and you have to listen to how you feel, not to anyone else
(2) wait for a negative pregnancy test before ttc, otherwise it’s just heartbreaking to think you could be pregnant again but it’s just retained product from last mc/mmc
(3) after d and c it does take time for the uterine lining to build back up, so waiting for one first period is probably wise, just so you don’t risk mc/mmc again (this isn’t totally scientific, so again a personal choice here)

Can I ask how long it took you to get a negative pregnancy test? I’m two weeks after d and c and planning to test today...but really scared since I had a postivie test last week and it was hard to see that. As for weight issues, I’ve lost 4-5 kg or so since the surgery, but partly from feeling ill and partly just sadness. I know it’s hard to wait since you are 39, but I would take a short amount of time to get really healthy again before ttc. Maybe give it 2 weeks? All just suggestions, I really don’t know either, but I can feel that I am not 100% back to normal yet so will wait a short while longer I think. Best of luck and hope to hear good news from you soon! xxx

So I took the test...positive as I feared. Is this normal?? I was at the end of 12 weeks when I had D&C, baby died at 9 weeks. Now two weeks post surgery, midwife said to call if it’s not negative by three weeks. Just want this to be over...

Also, is something wrong with me that this happened on my first pregnancy? I know mc is common, but for the first time this seems rough and like it will ruin every future pregnancy. I read somewhere that my chances of having another mc are now 13% since I’ve never had a baby, which seems like really bad odds considering my baby had a heartbeat at 7 weeks and made it to 9 weeks (which is only 5% chance of mc after that???). If I was in the 5%, can’t help feeling I might be in the 13% too...although I know I shouldn’t think like that.

Hi @catconfusion, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I’m in a really similar situation to you. ERPC 11 days ago due to MMC at 10 wks. Baby was a similar age. I’m also 36 and turning 37 soon so similarly worried about my age. I also put weight on during pregnancy with nausea and stopped exercising due to fatigue. And actually even more weight over the last couple of weeks - the sadness and wine coupled with the fact that this all happened whilst we were moving out of our house to temporarily stay with a relative so lots of take aways instead of our usual meals.

I’m not a doctor but now that your bleeding has stopped and you’ve had your negative pregnancy test there’s no reason you can’t start TTC again if you’re ready to. There is advice to wait for one period first to help with dating but they can do scans for that. And as for the uterine lining, it replenishes each month so will be doing so now. But lots of people wait to get their cycles back and it’s only been a couple of weeks post ERPC for you so I wouldn’t worry that your period isn’t here yet. It will most likely come in the next 2-4 weeks.

I have become a bit of a mad woman about all of this so perhaps not the best person to give advice. I’ve taken to carbs and wine like a pro and have also started TTC (although some bleeding day after sex so not sure if I’ll actually stop now until after period comes). I’m giving myself until the end of this week to recuperate/indulge and from Monday I’m going to start seeing an acupuncturist and head to a spin class also - both for my head as much as my body.

Everything @sadtoday21 says is completely right and I’d like to echo her question - when did you get your negative test? I did one on day 8 (which is crazy but I’m so eager to heal so I can move forward) and seeing it come up positive sent me into a downward spiral. I ended up sobbing for the whole day in bed. Husband thinks I’m nuts. I’m scared to do it again but also really want that negative so I can start TTC in earnest without any potential further heartbreak.

Best of luck to you. To us all. X

@sadtoday21 I’m so sorry to hear about the positive test (feels like a counter-intuitive thing to say, I’ve never willed a pregnancy test to be negative before) but it sounds like you have done tonnes of research like me so will know we both had our MMCs at the time our HCG was at its highest. That’ll mean some time to shift. I’m annoyed for you that it hasn’t gone yet but keeping fingers crossed it’ll start to fade away in the next few days. I was told similarly by my docs about calling them if still positive after three weeks.

I’m afraid I don’t know much about the statistics and as you might know, I have a DS which makes this my second pregnancy. But I think that the fact that your baby had a heartbeat is a positive sign. Your body knows what to do and will do again. I wouldn’t wish a MMC on my worst enemy - something I always thought sounded horrendous on paper but never fully understood until it happened to me. I’m genuinely keeping everything crossed for you and your future baby/ies. I wouldn’t get down about the statistics. It will happen for you. X

Hi @sadtoday21, thank you so much for getting back to me. It's been really hard to find someone in a similar situation.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you never have to go through something like this again.

My ERPC was on 4th Feb so not far before yours. I tested a week after and was sad to see positive. I tested two weeks after and got another positive. Today I got a straight negative 2 weeks 5 days after procedure. Please please try not to panic at seeing positive. I know it's really hard and I felt rubbish earlier in the week too. It's gone to negative very quickly though. At 12 weeks your body will have had a lot of hormones rushing around so it just takes a bit of time to disperse.

I'm sorry you're not feeling back to normal yet. A week ago I would have said the same so it may not be long before you feel yourself. Just hang in there. I too worried there's something wrong with me and why did this happen to me with my first pregnancy. Also has this ruined my chances. It's all really unfair. I think as well a missed miscarriage has an extra layer of grief as you don't know anything is wrong and your body is still progressing. Miscarriages are common but missed ones are not. Its really horrible luck! I hated my body for it but now I'm trying to look at it as though my body did a good job of protecting this baby even though it wasn't progressing. It'll do this for our next baby!

Statistics can be so misleading but understandable to try and find answers from them. Overall the chances of next time being healthy and normal for us both are good. In most cases it really is bad luck. I hate that this has happened but as time goes on I'm feeling more positive. I really hope you can too. You probably need to go through the pain of it all first. I didn't think the grief would ever feel manageable but it has got much easier.

Can I ask how old you are?

With regards to womb lining building up after ERPC there are so many opinions. I'd have thought if not enough lining the baby wouldn't implant. There's so many stories of ladies falling pregnant again quickly and healthily too. Intellectually I can see it's wise to wait but my cycles are 5/6 weeks so a longer wait for me. I'm monitoring my temps though and they are normal pre- ovulation so could get a rise next week if day of op was day one.

It is horrible seeing positive but ERPC is 95% effective at clearing tissue so very little chances of something being left. I hope you see a negative soon.

It's not a nice way to lose weight but I can imagine when you're feeling better you'll be glad it came off. I already feel a bit lighter today after my negative test. I'm someone who bloats a lot with periods and piled on weight during pregnancy. I was very ill with sickness so I ate whatever could to dull the nausea. I bet a lot of it is now fluid as I'm not eating much.

Hang in there and I'm here for support whenever you need it. This is horrible but we'll get through it! Xxx

Hi @SARmum14,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can completely relate to it happening at a really bad time, not that there's a good one. I got pregnant on my honeymoon, found out the week before Christmas, we'd just moved into our amazing home but not properly unpacked then I got very sick with pregnancy symptoms a week after finding out. It was a shock to be pregnant as we fell first time we'd not used contraception. I was convinced it'd take longer at our age. I also had poly cystic ovaries so figured we might even need help. At my miscarriage scan they confirmed I no longer had the condition hence falling straight away. Obviously a silver lining to the situation. I too had eaten badly. It's so hard to be healthy when you feel desperately ill and are in the middle of a move. My friend who's a nurse said if it was a strong healthy pregnancy eating badly and lack of exercise wouldn't have mattered.

I think the kick in the teeth when you've been really sick is the midwife and doctors all tell you what a good sign it is. Research suggests lower miscarriage rates. I clung to this which added to the shock. Losing the baby was the last thing I expected as I felt so pregnant.

I can completely understand the wine and putting on a bit more due to the grief. You probably need this at the moment but you'll get there. Just take each day at a time. My negative test has really helped as my appetite has not gone back to normal so not wanting much food.

My periods are every 5/6 weeks anyway so I know it'll take a while. I have an Ovusense which I can't recommend enough for monitoring ovulation. Temps are lovely and low now corresponding with what they've been before so I'm expecting a rise soon. I monitored for three months before our honeymoon so I could see what my body was doing before we tried. We'd planned for January to start TTC but I fell pregnant on the honeymoon in December so such a surprise though reassuring at 39 to fall easily.

Sounds like you're listening to your body and taking note of the bleeding. Could be your cervix healing up. I didn't get bleeding but some sharp pains the first couple of times. It all feels normal now so probably won't take long to sort itself out.

Let us know how the acupuncture goes. You're braver than me with spin class. I've started Slimming World do hoping the stone of pregnancy weight comes off easily.

So my negative test was today at 2 weeks and 5 days post ERPC. I feel so much better today so it makes sense. I completely relate to the pain of seeing that positive. It was on Monday so amazing how quickly my body has kicked out the remaining hormones.

I really hope you get that negative soon and feel more like yourself.

Keep us posted and good luck!

Xxx

Hi @Catconfusion thank you so much for the helpful info. It really helped me get through today after seeing the + test. I am going to wait another few days and try again. You are completely right about the statistics, I just hate them after realizing that I was in the 5% of unlucky ones, but hopefully it is just bad luck. I am really glad to know that you are feeling better now - your surgery was four days before mine, so I hope we are both going to be on the road to recovery soon.

I really also don't know whether the uterine lining needing to build up again is true or not. I've heard stories of women getting pregnant without a period and having successful births and also those who got pregnant right away and then had another mc. I don't think there is clear scientific evidence either way and it does make sense that the baby wouldn't implant if there is not enough lining in the first place. I really don't know, but just don't want to risk blaming myself if something goes wrong again. And therefore beginning the long wait...I think my body will be slow to bounce back and get AF, but some women do get it in 4 weeks or so (I read that the 4-6 week timeframe is for women who had a mc before 8 weeks though, just so you know).

I totally agree with @SARmum14, you definitely shouldn't try to lose weight now if it's not for health reasons. No woman needs that kind of stress right now and you have to focus on your emotional health. I wish I could drown my sorrow in wine and cheese too, I've just been ill from some kind of virus due to low immunity after D&C, so I can't keep much down besides fluids. I also think a lot of the weight loss was due to bloating going down (which I hope is a sign of dropping hormone levels), because I had bloating almost the entire 12 weeks of pregnancy and now stomach is flat and normal again. Once the bloating goes down, you definitely start to feel better. Cannot wait until all the hormones are flushed out of the system!

I really hope you get good news soon, please let us know when you do. I know it must be even harder to wait for you than for me (I am 31, to answer your question, so I think I have some time), but you never realize how fast the time goes. I wish I had started ttc earlier, but I had a demanding job and spent the last year overseas without DH, and then my mom passed away...I would give anything to take it back so she could see the baby. But we can't control time and life circumstances I guess. I've read a lot of posts of women over 35 having mc and then going on to have successful pregnancies, so there is always hope and hold on to that. Wishing you the best and lots of sticky baby dust.

@SARmum14 it sounds like we are in the same boat on the pregnancy tests, I totally understand what you mean about how devastating it is to still see a + result. I also tested at 7 days, similar to you, because I just wanted it to be over, but it's still + at 14 and I guess that is normal too. Hoping you get a - test soon and can start ttc again!

Are you taking any herbs or supplements to regulate the hormones and rebuild the uterine lining? I am taking evening primrose oil because I read that it helps do both - so far it seems to be helping a little but I haven't been taking it that long. I am thinking there must be something we can do on the nutritional end to help speed up the process of getting back to normal. Will let you know if I find anything that works! Best of luck and take care of yourself xxx.

@sadtoday21 without meaning to sound insensitive to you, I feel less lonely having discovered that you’re going through what I am. MC and MMC is still such a silent and taboo subject and I don’t know anyone who’s talked about it. Adds to the hopelessness and lost feeling so joining MN and speaking with other women has really been of some comfort.

I’ve just started bleeding again - v light and red. Did you have anything post ERPC? Mine keeps coming and going and I’m finding it confusing and hard to find info online.

That’s a really good suggestion - I didn’t know about evening primrose oil but will definitely investigate and pick some up. I’ve just restarted my folic acid plus vitamins and trying to focus around dark, leafy veg to help with blood and iron. I’m also going back to an acupuncturist on Monday who really helped me with another problem a few years ago so I’m hoping he’ll have some wisdom to impart. He was brilliant on old Chinese medicine as well as nutrition. I’ll share anything I find out.

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I lost my father and my brother and it was my brother’s anniversary last week, the day after my ERPC. Sent me into an even bigger spiral. I hope that you’re doing okay and I’m sending all the baby dust your way. Genuinely. Xxx

I had the same for my first pregnancy - went for the scan at 12 weeks and no heartbeat. I then had a healthy child. Mc again at 9 weeks then another healthy child. Missed mc again then another healthy child. It's hard the first time but it absolutely doesn't mean you won't have a healthy baby - it's just one of those things. It will happen don't worry

@sadtoday21 I'm so glad I helped yesterday. Honestly I was amazed at how much better I felt once those hormones were gone. I've had much more energy and feel like I could deal with my feelings more easily. I'm sure it won't be long before you get there.

It's just so confusing with so much mixed advice. After the ERPC there was no time for questions. We were pretty much pushed out once I felt ok and to be honest we just wanted to get home. I'm going to have a discussion with my GP on Wednesday and see if she can reassure me. I completely get what you mean about not wanting to take risks.

I have no expectations in terms of my period coming since they've always been a bit irregular and my cycles are sometimes longer anyway. As I think I said I use Ovusense to monitor temps and all looks normal at the moment. I can't recommend Ovusense enough for knowing where you are with your cycle but I guess wouldn't be much help if you ovulate the same time each month.

I've started Slimming World over the last few days and I'm really enjoying having some control over food again. I've checked my BMI and its 29 which has scared me a bit so I definitely need to lose a bit for health purposes. A lot of it is pregnancy weight around my middle. I don't look that big and I'm still in size 10 clothes. I think BMI numbers are harsh anyway.

I'm sorry to hear you have a virus on top of everything else. Hopefully you'll feel much better over the weekend. Good your tummy feels flat. Mine definitely doesn't. I'm peeing a lot so I do wonder if I'm now getting rid of some of the fluid. The Slimming World is probably helping with that as well.

You're right you do have plenty of time and I hope you have a lovely partner to move forwards with. I can understand though feeling like time is moving fast at your age. I think that biological clock starts to kick in a bit more. In my 30s I've had a couple of failed relationships so only got together with DH a year ago at 38. Since then we've married and built an amazing life together in a short space of time.

It's taken me longer to meet the right person so a shame if we are having age related problems. The EPU said it's a possibility. We do however feel like our chances are good and we're pretty optimistic about it working out. We'd be happy with just one so just need one to stick.

It sounds like you had a lot going on in the last few years so try not to be hard on yourself for putting off TTC. 31 is a good age to start a family and although it's a shame your Mum isn't around it sounds like the timing couldn't be helped. You weren't to know what was going to happen. I'm sure you'll have as many babies as you want now you're ready.

I really hope your body continues to recover and you can try again soon. Let's keep updating this thread as although I'm sad we're here I'm glad to find people who've been through something similar. xxx

@SARmum14 is definitely is a lonely experience. People generally have no idea about missed miscarriages and the added layer of complications/grief. It's so distressing getting so far along and not knowing anything is wrong. I did a Facebook post about mine because I got so frustrated with people assuming a miscarriage was like a late period. For some it is just a heavy bleed but that's distressing enough. We carried our dead baby for weeks and then had to have surgery. Its horrendous and people need to know this happens and talk about it more.

I'm sorry to her you're still bleeding. I was told it could go on for a few weeks. Mine stopped the day of the op which I'm grateful for. I hope it stops soon. I guess make sure you have a negative test and might settle as the hormones disperse.

I'm so glad to have found this thread and ladies going through something similar. Hate that we're in this position though. xxx

@happierever thanks for sharing your journey. It just seems so random and unexplained that our bodies would behave like this. I guess conception is such a complicated process it sometimes just doesn't stick. Glad you had healthy pregnancies along the way. It gives me hope!

@Catconfusion I am so glad you are starting to feel a bit better, at least physically. It gives us all hope that the worst is almost behind. I know what you mean about feeling isolated in this experience - as much as DH or others may want to help, the only person that has physically gone through it was you. There is some kind of deep bond that we have with our babies, even from the moment they are unformed and so small. I never really thought of myself as the maternal type, but it really is undeniable. Now sometimes I just dream about it and it still feels real to me, until I wake up that it is. I guess that is where the emptiness comes in now.

It's amazing to find someone to go on this journey with you, no matter when it happens in life. I know they say age can sometimes be a factor, but I was shocked to learn about how many 21/22 year olds are on these forums with miscarriages too. It really is a whole spectrum of people of all ages and backgrounds - which just goes to show I guess how random and unlucky it is. I like to think maybe this experience has made me a more compassionate person at least. Every time you suffer a bit of pain you are able to help someone else that much more who is also in pain.

Focusing on conceiving again does help, although I don't want to put too much pressure on myself or stress about it. I looked at the Ovusense thing you mentioned and it seems great, although I am not sure it is comfortable to sleep in all night (sorry tmi)? Do you think it is better than using ovulation sticks? I used those last time and got pregnant first try, but I am not sure what to expect this time around at all. Right now I am not tracking O and it's hard to tell where I am in the cycle. I only tracked once before anyway so I don't have a really good idea, but it was a long cycle. I also read that pregnancy hormones can mess up those trackers, so still just focusing on that negative test first. Fingers crossed for this week! Are you doing anything else on the nutrition end, besides the slimming world? (Not familiar with it, but shakes sound sooo good right now!)

I am also really glad I found this forum as a way to connect to others who have been through something similar. And, though I am sorry we all had to meet under these circumstances, I am genuinely hoping for you and would be really glad to hear that you have some good news soon. Best of luck and keep us posted xxx

@SARmum14 That doesn't sound insensitive at all, I feel exactly the same way! I am so sorry to hear about your father and brother - I know how much worse this all is when it falls on an anniversary like that. It just feels like too much to handle at once. I hope you are doing a bit better now.

Sorry also to hear about the on and off bleeding. From what I read online, that seems pretty normal, as long as it is not really heavy or painful. I only bled very lightly for the first 4-5 days after the surgery and this was really just spotting after day 2 or so. Then I had 3-4 days of nothing, then extremely light brown spotting for another day or so, with a tiny bit of EWCM (sorry tmi). Got excited and thought maybe O or AF (finally something happening!), but it turns out it was nothing and I am still in the nothing phase now. All a long way of saying that our bodies are kind of just going bat shit crazy after three months of pregnancy, a surgery, and tons of hormones. Women do really go through a lot.

Hoping we both get negative tests this week and can put this behind us soon! Let us know how you get on - best of luck for this week being better than the last :).

@sadtoday21 Chances are the worst is behind you and your body will gradually heal. No one talks about how long losing a baby actually takes physically. I have a feeling the emotional side will never go away. My friend had three miscarriages and she now has a 8 month baby and is 6 months pregnant. She said she feels like she's moved on from her losses now she's got her growing family. I hope I feel like that but we'll never have our little honeymoon baby which is sad no matter what.

It's unbelievable how invested you get when you see those two red lines. We were cautious at first but couldn't help but get attached as time went on and all felt well. I came out of the surgery stroking my belly because it was habit and it was the saddest feeling I've ever felt to know it was gone. I too would wake up thinking baby was still there until I remembered. That's passed now. I keep dreaming I'm pregnant with a new baby now which is a good sign I guess.

Yes it's unbelievable how many young people go through this. My GP grabbed my hands just after we found out and said don't automatically think it's age related as she sees many younger people. She thought it less likely age since we fell so easily. I read something really interesting last night. Apparently if you fall quickly it's unlikely to be hormonal or physical issues. The most probable cause is chromosomes within the baby. This is good news because the chance of a repeat are very very slim. Recurrent issues are not normally due to chromosomes.

I know what you mean about compassion. I shared my story on Instagram and a lady who was two days off an ERPC commented. She was very distressed. I immediately wanted to reach out to her and reassure her because I knew how I'd felt before.

With regards to Ovusense I find it comfortable and don't even know it's there but we're all different. What's nice is you get a little graph showing what your hormones are up to and a prediction of when you will ovulate. I'll pop a pic from a while back below. This was the only 28 day cycle I've ever had and I caught it. I had polycystic ovaries when younger but the miscarriage scan confirmed I have normal ovaries now. I thought it was strange my Ovusense was showing ovulation every cycle and of course the quick pregnancy. It definitely is a silver lining to all this. I choose Ovusense because I thought I had the polycystic ovaries. You get false positives with sticks with the condition. The Ovusense does give you a better sense of where you are in the cycle so I'll continue until my subscription runs out in Aug. Hopefully I'll get pregnant before then.

I'd say keep doing what you're doing if it works for you.

I'm just doing slimming world plus preconception vitamins, Coq10 and FHA. Need to get some evening primrose as well. Slimming world is basically cooking wholesome meals from scratch. It's pretty easy to follow and DH loves cooking so perfect for us.

I have my fingers crossed for you too. Hopefully that negative test is days away. Xxx

(Ovusense graph. I missed a couple of temps right near ovulation as you can see, mainly because I didn't expect so early. You can see the ovulation with the blue line. My current graph looks just like the beginning of this so feeling pretty normal so far)

@catconfusion @sadtoday21 hi both, thought I’d share an update. My ERPC was two weeks ago today and I did a pregnancy test and it was still positive. I know it’s still quite soon but was really hoping. Think my bleeding has pretty much stopped now so that’s something (sorry if TMI).

I saw my acupuncturist today and he was lovely although quite matter of fact about the whole thing. He’s an old Chinese man who’s really kind and I know he’s fond of me but sometimes his approach is a bit blunt. He said that my psychological scars need to heal as well as my physical ones and that my body won’t let me get pregnant again until then - which makes sense I guess. I told him I was in a frenzy to TTC and fall pregnant again and he said my body needed a few months to heal, which again also makes sense but I’m choosing to ignore. I told him I was worried about my age (I’m 36) and he laughed and told me that I’m still young fertility wise and that he’s helped women who are in their late 30s who also think that their time is running out and he’s adamant that it’s not, so that was nice to hear. The bit that was a bit annoying was when he told me that I shouldn’t be sad because this happens all the time to lots of women. Which again, is true but at times I find myself so distraught still.

Anyway, I had a great session with him and he also did a head massage at the end for my stress and anxiety - I told him I hadn’t been sleeping well and he said that this would help me sleep well tonight. In fact, he put a couple of needles in pressure points in my forehead and I snoozed for half an hour whilst having treatment. The thing I wanted to share with you are some of the pills he has given me (I don’t know if you’re into this kind of thing but he’s really helped me in the past with some other issues and I’ve recommended him to family and friends all of whom he has helped somehow so I now blindly trust and try and follow what he says, well everything apart from the taking a break from TTC for a few months!). Anyway, I’ve come home and googled them and see that one of them which is called “gui pi wan” has been given to lots of women to help with trying to conceive so wanted to share in case it was of interest to you. He’s told me to take it in the evening and that it’ll help to build up my strength and help with recovery from the miscarriage and the surgery. He says that in Chinese medicine, a woman who has miscarried should continue to treat her body as though she’s still pregnant and take lots of rest to build strength. He’s also given me something called “si wu wan” which I’m more sceptical about but from what I gather is described as a blood tonic. I think he’s given this to me to help make sure that there’s nothing left in my uterus - he said it’ll help it all come out. Anyway, as I say, not sure if it’s your thing but wanted to share. I’m going to go back and have another session with him on Saturday and he says that and the pills might be enough to help my body heal - he’ll see how I get on then.

In other news I went to a spin class yesterday. It was so bloody hard but I did it. Was really weird, at one point about halfway through I was doing a hard climb and this thumping Rihanna track was playing and I found myself wanting to cry - just thinking about how events have unfolded over the last couple of weeks. It was almost like my brain was being flooded with endorphins but I didn’t want them or want to feel good? Does that make sense?! Anyway, did the workout then went to the pub for a roast and our table was across from a whole NCT group - 7 couples all with newborn babies. I burst into tears and drank a lot of Sauvignon blanc. Not how I wanted to react but it was too much. Perhaps I wasn’t ready to go out.

Hope you’re both coping well. Let me know how you’re getting on. Thinking of you. Xx

@sarmum good to hear from you. I was gutted too when I got that positive but it wasn't long before negative so hopefully you'll get it soon.

The whole acupuncture session sounds amazing. I know people who have conceived through Chinese medicine so definitely worth a go especially if he's helped with other things. I'll look at the treatments he's given you and maybe see if there's someone in the area who does something similar. I just moved here so not sure.

I also find it really triggering when people say how common it is. Missed miscarriage is less common and so many more complications generally. I think we're entitled to feel that little bit more unlucky. Not to take anything away from much earlier miscarriages as they can be horrendous but there's just this added layer of continuing a pregnancy without knowing anything is wrong.

It's hard when people say wait a few months. I'm 39 and if I do that I might be 40 when I fall. I would still be pleased with that as only got together with DH a year ago so knew it might take some time. Just now I've been pregnant I just want to be pregnant again. You probably feel the same.

I completely relate to your experience during spin class. When I started to get those moments of feeling good like laughing at a joke or feeling exhilarated during a walk outside it felt all wrong. It was like a wave of happiness then a wave of guilt. It'd be nice to just start enjoying life again. It feels a bit like having a dark cloud over me.

It's just typical to go out and be near a group of new parents. I've gone for coffee with several friends in the last week and every time someone wheels in a newborn baby. I guess we wouldn't notice it ordinarily.

Anyway I'm doing ok. I'm 21 days post surgery and we're not particularly trying but not stopping either. I haven't ovulated yet but then I'm usually late ovulating anyway. My doctors appointment is on Wednesday to find out what tests they can do to check any obvious causes of the miscarriage. I'm going to get my thyroid checked as I've gained a lot of weight in the last year, including some during the pregnancy so worth looking at.

Anyway I hope you continue to recover! Xx

@SARmum14 thanks so much for the helpful advice. I am really into alternative medicine and nutritional info actually, so appreciated your insight. I've tried acupuncture once for something else and it did seem to help. Mainly what I like is how proactive you are being about the whole thing in trying to get answers, get healthy, and conceive again. I am the same way - as long as I am doing something, I feel more in control of the situation and my life. One of things that has been hard about this mmc is the lack of control - despite everything I did to eat really healthy and protect the baby, it still died and I didn't even know for three weeks. And now the midwife just says wait three weeks helplessly and fingers crossed you go back to normal and don't have to do another d&c. Pregnancy is so out of our control, so I guess I am looking for all ways possible to take just a bit of my life back.

Your story about spin class and the NCT group really spoke to me too. I am not sure if I feel guilty about being happy again, but it's definitely difficult. I used to enjoy a glass of wine now and then, for example, but now I feel like I can't drink at all or just will not enjoy it anymore. I think more than guilt, it's really just a bit of depression. Things you used to enjoy don't feel the same anymore because of this huge life event that has happened to you that most people don't even notice. I am hoping it will pass soon, but I noticed that it is up and down really. Some days are better than others, and just when you are feeling a bit better it hits you all over again. From what I have read this is perfectly normal, although I suppose that's not really comforting. As for the NCT class, I also see babies everywhere - is it possible there really are just more babies around since my mmc? haha. I am definitely so sensitive to it and I look at them all and sometimes I cry about in public places too. You are not alone in this.

Have you had a negative test yet? I am two weeks four days post-op and wanting to get up the courage to try again today or tomorrow. Mentally holding your hand and hoping for negatives for both of us. I received a text from NHS this morning about my 16 week appt. next week and it felt like a punch in the stomach. I am still sadder than I thought I was, even though doing better this week. Hoping you are doing better too xxx

Hi @Catconfusion hope you are doing well today. Thanks for the info about your supplements and the Ovusense - it sounds like you have things well in hand. I hope that you find some answers at your next appointment regarding the thyroid issue and please let us know how you get on. I've also wondered about this issue and whether my hcg levels are too low, but my doctor won't do any testing since I'm apparently youngish and healthy (but who knows, right?). I don't trust my body to tell me what's wrong with it anymore.

The worst thing about mmc, as you rightly noted, is that they actually are very uncommon (I read less 1% of mc are mmc?!?) and also deeply emotionally scaring because you don't trust your body anymore. I feel ours are even more unlikely because it was mmc late in the 1st trimester. So now I just look at all the statistics and fear the worst for next time. And yes, it absolutely is not helpful for people to say that to you in response to the mmc. I just think of all the women who have had wonderful, incident-free pregnancies and, while I am so happy for them, it makes me feel even sadder about the situation I am. Particularly since the first experience has now been ruined for me, all those memories. I know it could be worse though, so I try not to think that way.

The midwife told me mmc is actually a good sign because it means your body is so strong, it just wants to hold on to the pregnancy as long as possible, but that sounds possibly like something she said just to comfort me. Have you ever heard this? I would like to think that my body was strong to hold on to the baby for so long, without even the slightest sign of blood or problems, but I feel too betrayed by it and stupid for feeling that everything was fine. I never had morning sickness in my pregnancy though and that did worry me somewhat. The midwife said it was fine, but it wasn't, so I don't know how I can ever trust what they say again until the next baby is safe in my arms. Serious trust issues now haha.

It's great that you are trying again and feeling positive about it. I haven't started trying yet, cannot believe it's almost been three weeks and I am still just waiting around. I haven't ovulated yet either though, haven't been testing, but know nothing is going on. I was hoping it would be two weeks after the operation, but, like you, I have long cycles, so maybe next week. Fingers crossed that something starts happening for us soon! I would love to come back on here a few weeks from now and learn that we all have good news :).

@sadtoday21

I'm doing ok today thanks. I met with a friend who had an early miscarriage years ago, had a lovely baby boy then lost one of her identical twin girls. It's a while back now but she thinks about the two she lost every day. It was nice sharing experiences with her and talking it all through. The weather has helped my general mood. Hope it's helping you too!

I'm not expecting it to be thyroid but you never know. I'll keep you posted. As for hcg I think the fact you got so far in suggests levels were ok, especially if no bleeding. I think blighted ovum's can mean low hcg but that's because a baby didn't develop. I was full on vomiting for a month so I think my levels were ok. It's a shame your doctor won't have a look at you blood and at least check. It probably is normal but worth ruling out obvious things.

I did wonder about low progesterone as my periods only last for a day. My luteal phase is however a strong 16 days. If less than 10 or over 16 they worry about not being enough lining. The fact we both got so far in doesn't tally with low progesterone. I will ask my doctor about it though.

It is horrible thinking about statistics and being that 1%. It makes you wonder what else could happen. I guess it's rare to go and have the same happen again. As I said before chromosomal issues don't commonly happen twice and it's rare to have a reoccurring problem like this.

I guess most pregnancies go to plan and it's annoying we have to go through this especially since it's our first experience of being pregnant. The nurse at the hospital said it makes it that little bit worse because it casts so much uncertainty on future pregnancies. She also said to not give up hope as chances are next time will be fine. You're right there are worse things. My friend lost her Dad, had a MMC and then a Molar pregnancy next time (incredibly rare and serious condition). It all happened within 6 months. She's happily pregnant again now and fine.

Did you get to see a midwife after MMC? We felt dropped by ours. I think she's right though. Your body knew what to do. My friends wife is an embryologist and she said it's a sign of a good healthy implantation to have a mmc and more a chromosomal issue. It's really hard but try to be gentle on yourself. Your body did an amazing job under the circumstances and gave your baby a fighting chance. The lack of sickness is really common. My Mum wasn't sick once with me and my sister. Difficult to say if it was a sign of anything being wrong. I was very ill and I know that's usually a very good sign hence us not thinking we'd lose it. You just can't tell.

Yes no signs yet for me. My temps are nice and low though so hopefully soon I'll get a rise.If not we'll have a little break. I'm not too rushed at the moment. I'm sure your body will kick in soon. Are your cycles regular and long or a bit random like mine? I think it makes it difficult when you're not sure what your body is doing.

Anyway take care and you never know you, me and @SARmum14 might have some good news soon! Xx

Hi @catconfusion @sadtoday21, I had heard that thing about our bodies being strong in trying to hold on to the baby and desperately make the pregnancy stick and I would like to think there’s some truth in that. And I do think we’re incredibly unlucky and I hate when people minimise the pain and loss involve with MMC - it’s so heartbreakingly sad and not that common.

The acupuncture and the spin and TTC are all things that make me feel like I’m taking back control. What I hate the most about MMC is that is happened without me knowing. I’m trying to do what I can now to take ownership. Does that make any sense?!?

I’d been signed off work all this time and am due back on Monday. Am terrified - any advice? My GP kindly wrote “stress” on my sick certificate as I hadn’t yet disclosed my pregnancy to work and I didn’t want them to discriminate on my return - be worried that I’d be off on mat leave any minute and then withhold tasks or projects from me. But I don’t know what to say to my colleagues or people I manage about my absence. I suppose they’ll all think I had a bit of a breakdown. Which in a way I have.

Today is 2 wks 3 days post ERPC and I haven’t done another pregnancy test. Did one when it was two weeks and it was still strongly positive which really upset me. Have you done yours @sadtoday21?

Sending you both lots of love and light. Hoping for happy news and sunnier days to come xxxx

Hi ladies, just wanted to share my experience as it was sad but then became positive. My first pregnancy also ended in a MMC. I found out at 10 weeks because I had a private early scan. I'd had a few symptoms and mild sickness, I thought everything was fine and normal but it wasn't. My baby had stopped growing at 5 weeks and I really struggled with the fact that I'd carried a dead baby around for another 5 weeks assuming everything was fine and planning our future. Even after those 5 weeks my body gave no sign of giving up on the pregnancy so I had to have the medical management.

Two months after the medical management I conceived again and I could tell the difference almost straight away. My symptoms were so much stronger, I felt horrendous and somehow I just knew everything was going to be ok. Don't get me wrong I still had times where I sat and cried convinced my baby was dead again but deep down I had this overwhelming feeling of it being ok and different this time. My son was born just before the anniversary of my MMC. He's now nearly 2 years old and I'm pregnant again, almost 12 weeks. I'm not sure how it's going this time, dreading the 12 week scan but been feeling horrendously sick again so I'm praying all is well.

A MMC is such a difficult thing, with no blood and no pain you assume all is well. It's not talked about and people just like to brush it under the carpet even though you've been through something hugely traumatic. Wishing you all the best for future pregnancies

@SARmum14 yes I agree we have been incredibly unlucky. As you get older you think you know how your body will respond to things. Even during the pregnancy the symptoms were harsh but felt natural. The whole process of harbouring a baby not compatible with life doesn't make much sense, apart from our bodies trying to give it a chance. It's the oddest thing my body has done.

It makes complete sense you're trying to get control back as this is such a random uncontrollable process. Good you're picking positive things and I'm sure they'll make a difference.

I work from home nowadays but I used to be a teacher. If this had happened then it would have been hard to say anything. The school I worked in were really harsh about absence and if they got whiff of a pregnancy I would have worried a bit. Just remember you've done nothing wrong and there is nothing to be ashamed of. If you feel you want to tell people tell them. You have every right to start your family and they have a legal right to support you in this. Try not to worry about it, I know it's hard.

If you can stomach doing a test it'd be good to see where you are. How are you feeling generally?

I'm 3 weeks 3 days post surgery and we're trying again. Temps still looking normal so just waiting on that O. I'm not holding out massive amounts of hope this cycle but you never know.

I hope you relax into your last few days off and finish healing up. Love to you and happier thoughts! xxx