Missed miscarriage, feeling so sad.

[TinyPaws]

I had a missed miscarriages diagnosed today after two scans a week apart failed to show any heartbeat or growth.

I just feel so so sad, I can't stop crying. I feel like a fraud for grieving a little baby that never was, I'm scared of the physical processes to come, I'm afraid I'll never hold a child of my own, and I feel like I let my partner down. But mostly I'm just so so sad that I lost my baby.

I know millions of women go through this... how do you do it?

@TinyPaws I've been discharged from EPAU as I had a negative test. Got a GP apt tomorrow so going to ask her. Cramps are back again tonight. Never bloody ending.

Glad you got your work absence sorted-my place has been great over everything. They've said if I don't feel well just to head off early, and are being very flexible about my counselling and health appts. I'm very lucky.

@13FLOWERS spa day sounds lovely. We're off on holiday on 31st to Greece for a fortnight. Was booked as a last hoorah before bean as idve been 20 weeks, but now I'm just hoping I stop bleeding/getting cramps so we can get back to TTC. I think Bean was conceived in Berlin on our last trip so hoping my body sorts itself out so we can do the same in Greece. Wishful thinking though I reckon.

@Laney79 What did the GP say? Were they helpful? Enjoy your holiday, bet Greece well be lovely!

Pregnancy test today was still positive but now a very faint line. Will take another in 3 days, I think there's a good chance it will be negative.

@TinyPaws the GP was lovely. Basically she says if it's still happening the day before I go on holiday she'll prescribe me something to stop the bleeding and reset my cycles. She's also done a blood test to check my thyroid etc.

I am still worried though. What I'm losing isn't (sorry tmi) blood in the sense that it's not liquid...its sticky/mucosy blood and it only appears when I go to the loo. Yesterday my belly felt sore and tender all day then last night I had continuous pain for a couple of hours again-not like cramping, it was continuous. Worried it's an infection or something but there's no smell and I've not got a temp. Just doesn't seem right to be getting pain like this and this kind of discharge three weeks on. I was hoping it was my period coming but nothing so far.

I've been doing ovulation tests too to try and see what's happening with my cycle but they have all been negative too. Honestly, just want to feel normal again.

In terms of testing, I had a very faint positive before my negative. Fingers crossed it's clear when you next test. Has your bleeding stopped now?

I must say GP & hospital have been great very compassionate & suggestive of things to help. The on going physical loss is very distressing when you want to be dealing with emotional loss, as you are drawn to focuss to physical stuff going on, however once the physical stuff is over it does give you a mental capacity to start thinking how to deal with emotional stuff. I've just been to a royal wedding do with a pregnant friend (16 weeks) & whole focus was on her bump and how fabulous she carried it, how soon Megan would be pregnant & lots of pregnancy talk. It was difficult but manageable which makes me think I am moving on ok, apart from yesterday when I made the effort to message my sis who has a due date with just 10 s
Days difference to mine ( I was due first), she called her bean SPUD & I (at home to my boyf, not to her) went mental & undid all the work the counsellor has done to date. Deffo wasn't ready for details like SPUD!! I can handle small details like her feeling dizzy and stuff but knowing thats what my mum called her first born when it was a scan image made me rage that she will give them the firstgrandchild & that should have been me and its also called spud! Feel like they are growing a bond that I should have had with my mum & now all I get is sympathy!! Not feeling jealous at all and I won't drink through the pain tonight I promise!! Not! Hey but at least I can have a drink to help! Every cloud & all that!!
Xx

@Laney79 So sorry you're still bleeding, has it stopped yet?

@13FLOWERS Glad your GP and hospital have been supportive, it sounds like things are still very hard but slowly improving?

My pregnancy tests are still positive so back to EPAU for a scan tomorrow, keeping everything crossed there's no retained products. I'm not bleeding at least but maybe I should be!

How are you @TinyPaws? What did the hospital say?

Sorry you are having such a hard time @13FLOWERS. Please don't feel like you've undone your hard work - we all slip back from time to time and that sounds like a tough situation.

@Laney79 how are things now?

I'm in my first cycle of ttc again. Really awful DTD timings this month so pretty sure I won't be pregnant!

Thanks for asking @BadBadBeans, I'm doing a little better. They didn't see any retained products on scan, they did find a cyst that has the potential to prevent us trying again next cycle. I'm supposed to take a pregnancy test again on Tuesday and let them know if it's positive, the last one I took on Friday was faintly positive. How are you getting on? Are you in the 2WW now?

@BadBadBeans fingers crossed for you-remember sperm can survive a fair while so DTD anytime around O could make it happen!!

@TinyPaws so sorry you're still getting positives-that's the one thing my body has managed to do, and it's awful and sad but a huge relief too.

@13FLOWERS don't worry about having a bad day-my counsellor says it's important not to bottle stuff up, otherwise it'll come back to bite you later on. All part of the grief process and learning to cope with the awful thing that's happened to us.

As for me-still bleeding/passing AF snot (the sticky/bloody mucus). It may be my period now but I don't know. It never stopped, but on Tuesday I had proper blood, quite heavy and passing small bits of tissue (like you get on period) several times across the bulk of the day, but then it's gone back to bloody snot again. And I'm still getting daily bouts of pain, which is really getting me down. 4 weeks on now. If this isn't/wasn't my period then who knows what the hell is going on. GP calling me weds, so hoping my body finally just gives me a break and packs it in before then. As things stand I'm off on holiday on Thursday for two weeks and technically can't go in the pool (not stopped bleeding since MC so can't use tampons according to what I was told) and still can't get back to making love with my fella (and frankly ladies I'm SO ready for that-I really miss that closeness). Honestly-it's the nightmare that just keeps on giving.

Hope you are managing to enjoy your holiday @Laney79 and that the bleeding has finally stopped! I know what you mean about it going on and on, I just want to get back to normal!

I'm having a really weird bleed/period, not sure what is going on. Can't try again this cycle as the fertility clinic want at least 4 weeks between end of miscarriage bleed and next period to ensure that it is a proper period (and I'm not convinced this one is).

Hi @TinyPaws -did you get your negative? Weird bleeding is obviously very common!

I'm now on hols and having what I assume is my first period. Never stopped bleeding, but had that day of heavy bleeding a week or so a go -then it went back to the sticky blood stuff-but then this Tuesday it came back heavy again and has been that way ever since. Also passed what I think was some/all of the pregnancy sac yesterday so that may explain the continued bleeding,

Hoping it eases off soon. If not GP has prescribed the reset the system drugs-but I'd rather not take anything to be honest! Had enough drugs.

Frustrating about the clinic-surprised they want you to wait-but hey they are the experts xxx

Got my negative this morning! Having what I think is a very odd period.

@Laney79 if you have recently passed the pregnancy sac that would explain the continued bleeding, hopefully everything is out and it'll settle. Are you getting follow up? x

Hi @TinyPaws so pleased you got your negative. It's not nice to see but after what we've been through its a sign that your body is getting there. How are you doing emotionally?

No follow up -was discharged from EPAU after my negative, so I guess if I'm concerned it's back to the GP, but the good news is I finally stopped bleeding a couple of days ago so I'm taking last week as AF. Think the tissue that came out was what was causing the ongoing bleeding-my body trying to clear it.

Now that the bleeding has stopped I feel so much better...and in one sense it's great timing As we are on hols for another week so slap bang at what should be my most fertile. Trying not to get my hopes up but I'm going To enjoy giving it our best shot!

So glad you've finally stopped bleeding! Hope you have an amazing time on holiday with your husband! And fingers crossed you concieve your rainbow baby.

I spoke too soon about the negative, when I looked again it was a faint positive. I went to EPAU yesterday where I did yet another urine test (also faint positive) and had a blood test which showed an HCG level of only 12, so it is dropping! I've had my first period but the fertility clinic wouldn't let me try again this cycle as it was too close to the miscarriage, I'm hoping to do another round of iui next cycle which should start in early July.