Missed miscarriage, feeling so sad.

[TinyPaws]

I had a missed miscarriages diagnosed today after two scans a week apart failed to show any heartbeat or growth.

I just feel so so sad, I can't stop crying. I feel like a fraud for grieving a little baby that never was, I'm scared of the physical processes to come, I'm afraid I'll never hold a child of my own, and I feel like I let my partner down. But mostly I'm just so so sad that I lost my baby.

I know millions of women go through this... how do you do it?

I had a missed miscarriage last year. I didn't know they even existed until I went for my 12 week scan. I was obviously devastated and in shock. I'd expected to see a baby on the screen.

I had to go to hospital a week later to check dates were correct. I had an internal scan then which confirmed it was a missed miscarriage and it had been twins.

I was told to come back and wait for an appointment in post.

I didn't ask about treatment as I didn't know what was available and didn't question doctors. I think I was too sacred to talk as I knew I wouldn't stop crying.

Nothing happened in two weeks. My husband booked myself and 2 small kids a weekend a few hours a way.

As soon as I arrived I realised I'd bled through clothes. Spent whole day in hotel room with two kids bleeding heavily whilst husband bought spare pjs and maternity pads. I bled heavily from 2pm until about 1am when I collapsed in bathroom from blood loss. I knocked myself out when I fell. Ambulance came and I spent a week in hospital and got a transfusion.

I was in the republic (travelled from north) and didn't know who to call to ask what was normal blooded loss. Should I go to hospital etc. If I'd been in UK I would've called someone or just gone to a&e.

It was traumatic for kids and husband.

I lost a lot of blood over a relatively short time.

I had no idea that this could happen - I thought it would be a heavy period. I wouldn't have gone away if I'd had any idea about potential blood loss.

I'm 40 weeks pregnant today so good things do happen.

I hope you're okay and take time for yourself.

Horrible that so many from the Nov thread are here. Horrible that any one is here at all really. It's just not fair. Huge warm hugs for you all

I'm 3 weeks on now from when I started bleeding. Should have been 8 weeks at the time, but only measured 5. Second scan (1week later) didn't even have the sac at all. But then I was pretty sure I had passed it that same morning. Bleeding stopped after 13 days total, returned to work 2 days after and the pregnancy test I took this morning was a BFN. Restarted metformin since, 1 year without it = Nada. One month on it = BFP. Hoping it might work the same magic again. But this time, it'll stickier until the end.

BUT!
(Warning. Pure catharsis ahead)
I still feel sucky about the whole thing.
I still selfishly think, whenever I see a pregnant lady, 'Why her? Why not me?'.
I still (selfishly) am jealous of my younger sister and her beautiful unplanned (first pregnancy) son who will be turning 1 on what would also have been my due date.
I hate the fact that the entire time I thought I was pregnant (found out ~5 weeks), it was a lie. My bean must've stopped growing at pretty much the same time I took my test.
I hate that I had had the most beautiful dream that I was holding my daughter only a day or so before I began bleeding.
I hate that that was the moment I had stopped stressing about miscarriage and truly believed I was going to finally succeed at something in my life.
I hate that it took 1 year and 1 month to even get that BFP.
I hate that my periods are so irregular that I'm not even willing to wait for one to TTC again because I simply don't know when one will come. Stupid PCOS is stupid.
I hate that it seems I have to take metformin to even ovulate.
I am scared that this could keep happening and there's nothing I can do about it.
I am scared that it's going to take a really long time to fall pregnant again.
I am scared I might never fall pregnant again.

@fia101 Sorry to hear about your missed miscarriage, glad things are working out better for you this time around. I knew missed miscarriages existed but I thought they were really rare so wasn’t expecting it, especially as my pregnancy symptoms were very strong.

@Dyra Sorry to hear your experience, it is horrible isn’t it? I feel you on the fears about not conceiving again, I conceived this time through fertility treatment and am worried that we just got lucky that time and it won’t happen again.

Fuck, Amazon just sent me an email informing me that my baby is the size of a lime. Er, no it isn't. I didn't create a family profile on Amazon or tell them my due date. I'm getting craploads of baby ads on Facebook and Instagram despite turning off ad targeting and yet another friend announced a birth on Facebook today (that's 6 births and 7 babies since I learned I lost my bean).

Sorry for the whine but I'm just generally feeling fed up. Every time I get a cramp I think maybe something's starting but nothing's happening still.

Argh @tinypaws, your body is being a real bitch.
Medical management was good for me in the sense that at least I was in a controlled environment and that reassured me. My husband was able to stay with me throughout. The cramping was pretty sudden and very painful; I was suffering enough as it was so I took the morphine injection when it was offered. It was a great decision as it completely took the pain away, and I was able to get some sleep. The 'delivery' happened quickly after that. I won't lie, that moment was completely hideous. But by some lucky fluke the whole sac came away in one go so it wasn't as traumatic as it could have been. We had chosen not to see our baby.
I only stayed in hospital for 12 hours in total then got to go home. I bled for about 2 weeks. Physically it was fine,, just tiring really, but obviously it was a different story mentally.
Good luck whatever happens. I've been thinking of you and really hope everything will go as well as it can.

fia that sounds horrendous, what a scary experience especially being away at the time. I’m so glad you are having a successful pregnancy now, it’s good to hear

Dyra and TinyPaws, I also have the fear of not being able to conceive again or in my case, that I might conceive a few more times but miscarry every time (I’m 45 so more likely). It’s so sad and so hard. I’m also surrounded by pregnant people/families with more than one child and sometimes just need to get away from it all. We had 2 failed IVFs last year so can relate to the fertility treatments.

BadBeans, glad you are nearly through it. Hope you are feeling ok. Do you go back for a scan or confirmation that it’s finished?

Happy to talk about my experience with medical management. I actually booked in for surgical then changed my mind as I have a higher risk of adhesions having had them before after an ERPC for a retained placenta. Yesterday I had 4 tablets which were placed vaginally and I was sent home, did not even lie down in the hospital. I had some cramping then what must have been the waters breaking a few hours later (one big gush of watery fluid, no pain).

I felt a bit unwell in the evening with shivers and some low level pain but was fine this morning. I had 2 further lots of tablets this morning and had some cramps this afternoon and steady light bleeding. That’s it though - don’t think it’s going to work. I apparently have to wait 3 weeks and do a pregnancy test to find out whether it’s complete or not. I might see if I can get a scan next week though.

@Hobbitch Thank you for sharing your experience, I hope my hospital offers morphine injections!

@lilacandlavender We all know nothing is guaranteed in life but I really hope you get your rainbow. Thanks for sharing your experience, I hope things get moving for you. Did the tablets stay in? I'd definitely try and get a scan if I were you, 3 weeks is ages to wait!

@fia101 I'm sorry you had a horrid experience but glad to hear you are now 40 weeks pregnant! Best of luck with the birth and beyond :)

@Dyra I'm sure it's very natural to feel sad/envious/grumpy when seeing other pregnant people. I have had lots of emotional twinges looking at pictures of the new royal baby this week! I hope so much that you conceive faster this time round and that it is a healthy pregnancy. Good luck.

@TinyPaws I hear ya on the Instagram baby ads; they've been driving me nuts the last week or so. I keep hitting 'not relevant' in the hopes that the algorithm will eventually get the message. Anything happening for you yet?

@lilacandlavender No scan booked; they just said to take a test two weeks after the bleeding stops and if it's negative then I can assume all is well, but if it's positive I will need to ring them for further investigation. I'm going to wait for a period before ttc again just so I can be sure that everything's out. I'm sorry to hear that you don't think your medical management is working. I really hope it does work, and fast - it's horrid to have to wait so long before you can do anything else.

@BadBadBeans I'm really cross with Amazon, so intrusive sending unsolicited emails like that! And telling me my baby is the size of a lime - it is not and it would not be even if it had grown as expected. Still nothing much happening here, still crampy pains, still no blood. Got an appointment at EPAU tomorrow to discuss medical management.

@lilacandlavender Did anything else happen? Any luck on getting them to agree a scan?

@fia101 that sounds so scary, I'm so sorry. Hope all goes well with the birth (or perhaps they're already here!)

@lilacandlavender I'm so sorry you're here too. It's just horrid. I feel the same way about wishing I'd known sooner. Ironically we avoided an early scan because DH was afraid of a missed miscarriage. How ironic that now seems.

@BadBadBeans glad things seem to have settled for you now and you can start to bring to a close. I'm trying to find other focuses now because if I allow myself to dwell I just feel so sad. I think it's the hormones as we are so lucky really to have ds.

@TinyPaws I'm so sorry this is really dragging out for you. My ASOS adverts on Facebook are really depressing me as they're for maternity wear. I also need to sort my wardrobe out as it's filled with my maternity things and some of my normal clothes are up in the attic. Feel very silly and sad about that, I'd obviously just gained weight from a growing uterus and a bad diet whilst feeling sick.

Had my operation yesterday. It went well apparently. Got home and slept all evening after the anaesthetic. I'm supposed to be in work tomorrow but I think I'll stay off one more day due to the bleeding and tendency to cry at the drop of a hat. I just feel really shit today but I presume that's normal. Woke up without nausea for the first time in 8 weeks, so that's something at least.

Glad your op went well @toasterstrudle, hope you're feeling a little better today.

I spent nearly 3 hours in the EPU this morning and the upshot is I'm going in for medical management on Monday morning. They will administer misoprostol vaginally then send me home with painkillers and anti emetics. I had another scan, the sac has not grown any more (still ~8 week size) but has not started to degenerate either, the embryo is also still the same size (~6 weeks) with no heart beat.

I had another cry today. I still don't fit into my normal bras or trousers. Kind of hoping things start naturally before Monday but I don't think it's particularly likely.

@toasterstrudle really glad it went well. Think it's a good idea to stay off another day - can you take more if you feel you need to? Definitely think feeling shit is normal. I felt like death warmed up most of last week. My FIL commented yesterday that I finally have some colour back in my face! Please don't feel silly about the clothes. It's not like you made it up - you were actually changing shape because you actually were pregnant. I have definitely gained weight from mine too. (And am also a bit gutted that I now have to try and work on getting back into my smaller jeans...)

@TinyPaws okay, that's really good - I'm glad that they are doing more to help you. Also glad the sac has stopped growing - that's got to be a sign that your body is adjusting, so maybe it will happen naturally after all. So sorry that it's all still in there though - it must be so horrid for you. xx

Toaster, sorry to see you here too. I don’t know - I got false reassurance from my early scan and ended up finding out at the 10 week one anyway... Glad your ERPC went well. Do rest if you can.

TinyPaws, actually yes 2 tablets did fall out when I went to the loo (I put a mooncup in to catch them as I thought that might happen). They told me not to put them back in but I did because I just couldn’t see how they could work if not in me - I wouldn’t recommend that though as I’m sure it’s an infection risk. 2 came out when the waters came and more bits over the evening and I didn’t return those as they had worked by then.

I now think they might actually have worked. I took a pregnancy test yesterday expecting it to be a strong positive still but it was faint. I passed a large clot on Monday and thought it was just lining but maybe that was it. I don’t feel pregnant anymore so I guess all my levels must be dropping. I’m going to do a test next week and hopefully it’ll be negative and I can move on. I’m a bit gutted I missed ‘it’ as I wanted to either send it for testing or bury it.

Good luck with your neural management next week. Hope it goes smoothly. My top tip: they told me it would take 48-72 hours to work so I ignored all the cramps I got afterwards and got caught short in the supermarket on the way home... so it can start much more quickly than they say.

So sad to see it again on the scan. We only saw ours once (after the heart had stopped) at a private scan and the EPU accepted their report and didn’t repeat the scan. I thought they might do one and I don’t know how I would have felt seeing it again. It’s so heartbreaking to see.

to everyone as we get through this.

• Medical management!

@tinypaws good luck with the medical management. Once this is done you can start the process of moving on. It will take time, as much time as you need, but you will get there. It's completely normal to cry! I know nothing I say will make your situation suck less but I'm thinking of you and sympathising from the bottom of my heart.

@dyra I felt everything you're feeling. It's normal but so so hard. Especially seeing other women pregnant or with a young baby. A few days after my mmc I saw a woman with a newborn at the supermarket and burst into tears there and then. Another time I spotted a pregnant friend in the street at a distance and did a huge detour to avoid her. It's so bloody hard.

@toasterstrudle look after yourself now.

@BadBadBeans Thanks. I'm just so tired of feeling sad.

@lilacandlavender I hope the medical management worked for you. Odd that you were told 48 -72 hours, I was told within 24 hours.

@Hobbitch Thanks. I do feel a bit jealous around pregnant women, especially when they're complaining about pregnancy symptoms as I'd give my left pinky to be in their situation (in fact I'm still a bit nauseous). Managed a visit to a friend with a 7 month old baby today. Going to see 3 -week-old twins at the weekend, bit nervous about that, I think I might cry.

EPA told me they won't scan again to check its all gone, I have to take a pregnancy test after 3 weeks to check it's all gone. Might push for a scan anyway as I'm having fertility treatment and if they find an issue on my 2 -5 day scan I'll be charged for a canceled cycle.

You're incredibly brave, I would have cancelled and spent the day sobbing in bed.

Hi November busers- just finishing off my medical management for MMC today, a bit shit but I liked all the pain relief

Hi @TheImprobableGirl, sorry to see you here. How was medical management for you? Hope you start to feel better soon.

Really good actually. They put me in a side room and the bereavement midwife spoke to me about the process in detail, I had lots of pain relief whenever I needed it, and huge ginormous pads to catch everything in, the foetus was caught in a pot on the toilet and they are sending it for a post mortem (offered me the option) and then for cremation. I can have the ashes if wanted or they can be scattered where I wanted.

I have to come back in tomorrow for a scan but being discharged today soon :) all very well managed and very sensitive. The side room has its own toilet etc so can get up and down quickly, meaning the night was comfortable.

They have given me a little memory box to go home with, with a little book, a candle, forget me not seeds and a little crochet forget me not too.

@TheImprobableGirl I'm so sorry you're here too. The memory box is such a lovely touch, I'm glad your medical management went as well as it could. It's so sad though, look after yourself.

@TinyPaws Its totally normal to be feeling the way you do. I'm hoping that when I get my negative pregnancy test I'll start to feel some closure.

I've had my surgical management now and all went well. I also had a lovely sensitive team. Feeling a bit better now the op is over, although still sad at times. Bit up and down. Planning to get out and about this weekend for some walks to clear the cobwebs and talk with DH. Love to all.

Oh @TheImprobableGirl I'm so sad for you, especially after that lovely early scan. Sounds like the hospital have been amazing though; thank goodness for that. I'm glad you were looked after and well provided for, and the remembrance gifts sound lovely. I hope it wasn't too distressing seeing the foetus, and glad you can have a post mortem - hopefully that will help give you some closure. I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you. x

@TinyPaws I'm in the same boat - I won't be scanned again either, just have to take a pregnancy test. I think in your position though I would be keen to be scanned as well. If the EPU won't scan you can you perhaps pay for one at the fertility clinic before officially starting another round? Well done you for being so strong and visiting the baby. Does the mother of the twins know that you've miscarried? I'm sure she will 100% understand if you are a bit weepy. In a strange way I think it might be quite nice (although awfully hard as well) to get a newborn snuggle - it might be sort of cathartic.

@lilacandlavender I missed the baby/sac as well, even though I looked quite carefully. I would have preferred to have seen it. I passed lots and lots and lots of largish clots over a few days though, so if you've only passed one then maybe it was just lining and you may still have more to come. Hope it's still going okay for you. I'm a mooncup user too! Well, I was before having my son. Haven't gone back to it yet, 2.5 years later!

@toasterstrudle sorry, must have cross posted. Glad you've had the surgery now and that it went well. Walks and talks sound like good medicine to me. Take care of yourself xx

I had a good clear scan with heartbeat at 8+2 and 9+5, baby made it to 12+1 and found out on the dating scan at 12+3, they did say though that the bowel looked to be on the outside, which just shows that something was definitely awry! Hope all of you are keeping safe.

It must be so hard to have seen two good scans. Gosh though, in a way it is lucky (I know that is not the right word, but can't think of a better one) that it happened in time to be caught at the dating scan, if the dates were that close together. Although I suppose if the bowel looked wrong then they would have picked that up at that point too. Hope you get discharged soon and that you will be well looked-after at home. I'm good thanks, just coming to the end of my miscarriage now and starting to feel a bit brighter about trying again. x