Missed miscarriage, feeling so sad.

[TinyPaws]

I had a missed miscarriages diagnosed today after two scans a week apart failed to show any heartbeat or growth.

I just feel so so sad, I can't stop crying. I feel like a fraud for grieving a little baby that never was, I'm scared of the physical processes to come, I'm afraid I'll never hold a child of my own, and I feel like I let my partner down. But mostly I'm just so so sad that I lost my baby.

I know millions of women go through this... how do you do it?

@13FLOWERS I’m so sorry to hear your story, it must be really hard when it’s affecting your family relationships like that. The miscarriage has hit me really hard emotionally so I totally get having mood swings and crying especially when you are constantly reminded of what you’ve lost. Has the counselling helped at all?

I got quite jealous of some friends/aquaintances who conceived at about the same time as my loss but have to keep reminding myself that there’s no reason they shouldn’t enjoy their pregnancy and their road to parenthood has not been easy either. I’m also supposed to be line managing two pregnant ladies when I go back to work, one of whom is due about the same time that I would’ve been.

@Laney79 When does your counselling start? I’m seriously considering it I can’t keep on bursting into tears on an almost daily basis.

@TinyPaws had my first session last week but that was really just explaining what has happened and why I was there. Next session on Thursday morning. I'm lucky, where we live there's a bit for profit organisation that offers counselling on a min donation basis, so I could get in there quickly. My EPAU does offer post miscarriage support but I need something more wide ranging than that with my other issues like the phobia etc.

Honestly I'd say give it a try-my other half has suffered with stress and depression and he has regular counselling even now he's "well" - my boss even said she wishes everyone could have it, almost like a 6 monthly check as in her experience it helps sort out problems even before they arise in some cases (she had an awful time after her mums death). Who knows if it will help, but I figure if i had a cut or an infection that I couldn't deal with myself I'd ask for help, just because this is emotional/mental doesn't mean it needs help to heal any less. Xxx

Hi everyone sorry have been feeling low the past few days so not really been online. I've not really had much bleeding. I'm spotting but have had that for the whole of my pregnancy so am not convinced it's worked. I'm back on Friday for a scan.

@Laney79 and @BadBadBeans I'm not sure of the right words but glad things are getting back to normal physically at least

@13FLOWERS I'm so sorry for your loss. I have been through something similar. My sister was 4 months pregnant when I had my first miscarriage. She is 10 years younger than me and her pregnancy was unplanned so it hit me very hard. I had counselling which really helped, it was good to have a safe space to talk it all out. I felt I couldn't even talk to my DH or my mum as I had such horrible thoughts. I felt able to get it all out at counselling. I still found my sisters pregnancy hard but once she had the baby I started to feel better about things and was able to rebuild our relationship. I hope you start to feel better soon

I'm lucky in a way as I get counselling through my IVF clinic and I'm hoping to start it next week. I'm hoping it will help me as much this time as am finding it all really hard

Morning lovelies.

I just need a rant. I'm so sick of the pain and bleeding.

Went back to work on Tuesday, and thought that my body was starting to get back to normal...had no pain and the bleeding was light brown on wiping all day until I went to bed when I passed more black/deep red tissue.

But yesterday I got to work and within half an hour I was doubled over again with pain. Was like that for about an hour, most of which I spent in the loo. Didn't pass a huge amount of blood or tissue but what Isis was bright red again.

Surely the pains should have stopped by now? I'm nearly two weeks on from medical management. It's really getting me down.

@Laney79 sounds like you've had a rough few days. I think from reading up on medical management there doesn't seem to be any normal  I can imagine how frustrated you are, I feel like this can't be over soon enough for me and I know this has been going on for weeks longer for you. The bleeding happening at work must be really stressful too. How are you doing now? Will you have anymore follow up to check all is finished or are you fully discharged now? x

@TinyPaws how are you doing?

@NoCupcakesorCocktails Good to hear from you, sorry the last few days have been rough. Fingers crossed for your scan tomorrow.

@Laney79 So sorry things are still bad and have been going on for so long.

I think my bleeding may be stopping - I’ve only had very small amounts of brownish blood all day - but don’t want to count my chickens as it has been quite stop/start. Emotionally I’m still not too good, I have made an appointment to meet the bereavement midwife next Wednesday. Keep crying over nothing at all, really. I’m still testing positive on pregnancy tests and my exercise performance is still shite (on the plus side the cramps have eased enough that I can exercise again now). When I get back to work I will be expected to line manage someone who is the same number of weeks pregnant that I would be which is going to suck big time for me as I’ll constantly be reminded of what we’ve lost.

@Tinypaws @Laney79 nocupcakesorcocktails

Thanks for your messages. Sorry it's my first time on here and tried to post my question seperately, but seem to have put it on your chat instead, although I suppose we are all in the same boat.
Having a couple of wobbly days, just because I'm forcing myself to talk to my sister trying to build up to seeing her with her bump. She is very tactful with me and just tells me bits, but even hearing that she can't do her running anymore because she feels like she is going to pee gets me upset. Mum has just invited me for a meal with her and the family but I've said no I can't manage it. I know they don't understand and as it happened in Feb they probably think I should be over it by now, but sister's pregnancy running alongside me is unbearable.

I would recommend going to the doctors. I was given medication to help me sleep which really does help to boost the mood in the day because you get properly rested. I would also recommend counselling. It's much easier to talk to somebody who you don't feel is judging you or that you are worried about upsetting. It's also likely that they have been through the same thing and have spoke to many women who have. I found hearing other people's story helpful as it made me realise emotions I've had and feelings I've still got are 'normal' and to hear somebody tell me that it's ok is good. She advised I write a journal which I have and it does help draw out thoughts from the back of the mind and get them out of the mind. It also gives you notes to take next counselling session if there are any points you want to go over.
Hope this helps xx

Oops, just realised I repeated myself there

@tinypaws does the woman you have to manage know what's happened? I told my boss what was happening and he has been great as have the 2 close colleagues that have checked up on me. Can you tell your boss you can't be the line manager due to your loss? I know people don't understand but if you explain the impact they might think twice. X

Cross posted with @13Flowers!

@13Flowers I’m glad the counselling is helping, it’s hard that you were due so close together are you constantly see her reach all the milestones that you would be reaching. I think a miscarriage is a very difficult thing to ‘get over’, I’m certainly not over it and I’m surprised by how hard it’s hit me.

Yes it has surprised me how hards its been, the problem with people not really talking about openly and explaining whats involved is that you expect it just to be a period and have no idea of the physical or mental impact to follow. It's also made me feel a bit guilty for friends that have been through it in the past that I just expected to 'get over it' because I didn't have a clue what they were going through. I almost want to go back to them and apologise for not being more supportive or sympathetic because I didn't have a clue what was happening to them. That's why I know that family are now at the point of thinking I should be over it. I think I feel like I should be moving on by now but I can't control the process and can only follow the advice given to me xx

@NoCupcakesOrCocktails I'm all discharged from the EPAU-got a GP appt in a week though so if it's still going on I'm going to see if she can help. I thought things were improving again today-just minimal brown on wiping-but then pain started again this eve, more tissue and red blood again. Tried having a bath, now got a wheat bag. Just really really fed up and frustrated now.

@TinyPaws keeping my fingers crossed for you bleeding wise-sounds positive. When are you next testing? Are the positives getting lighter?

@13FLOWERS totally agree about hearing others stories-makes me feel a lot less alone. It can feel like it's just you its happening to and that starts you down the dark path of why, and there's no answers did that.

@TinyPaws I took my first pregnancy test post-mc this morning and it was negative - but that was two weeks after the mc bleeding had stopped. If it's distressing you seeing the positive results then could you try to hold out till two weeks after the bleeding? That was what I was advised to do by the hospital and I'm glad I did as I would have been stressed out by a positive result in the interim, wondering whether or not I was going to need intervention. Really sorry to hear about your work worries re line managing. I just hope so much that your next round of treatment gets you pregnant again. x

@13Flowers that must be really hard re. your sister. My SIL is pregnant too. I haven't seen her in person since the mc but we have FaceTimed which was probably a good 'breaking me in gently' thing. @NoCupcakesOrCocktails makes a good point - you may feel better about it when the baby is born. Hugs to you. That's so hard.

@Laney79 So sorry it's been such a drawn-out process for you. How many days have you bled? I'm glad that you've got the GP appointment - at least you know you are heading towards help if it's still going on then. x

Thanks @13Flowers, @Laney17, @BadBadBeans, how are you all doing? Has the bleeding stopped yet @Laney79?

@BadBadBeans how are you doing? It must have been a relief to see that negative pregnancy test! Slightly personal question, what was your first period after miscarriage like? I've heard they can be heavier than usual with more clots.

I've only had brown spotting/brown stained mucus last 3 days, hopefully the bleeding has finished. I did another pregnancy test this morning and it was positive again. I was advised I should start to test negative 2-3 weeks after medical management (12 days ago now) so probably unrealistic to expect to test negative so soon. Going to do a test every 3 days or so I think.

@BadBadBeans -strange to say but pleased you got your negative.
I started bleeding the day I had the misoprostol- that was 27th April so I'm on my 16th day of bleeding. The frustrating thing is that it's not actually much-but enough to stop me from being intimate with my man (which, frankly I'm desperate to do now. Not only because I want to get back on the TTC bandwagon but also because I miss him! It's been months and I miss that closeness it gives us) and enough for me to wear a pad/liner. Basically it's generally spotting combined with a small clot/tissue, like the end of your period but often this is deep red rather than brown/black.

It's also the pain that goes with that's getting me down. It can come on very suddenly and sometimes it's very bad-enough to bring tears to the eyes and to double me over. I'm going to football tomorrow with my dad-a 7 hour round trip and I'm driving and I'm dreading getting the pains.

@TinyPaws not stopped yet-another clot when I woke this morning. Trying not to get my hopes up that it will stop as I get really down when it doesn't.

When you say your test was positive-is the line fading at all? Mine went from strong positive to faint positive before my negative X

@TinyPaws I don't mind you asking at all! That's the beauty of these boards, right? I usually have heavy, red periods. This one started off thick and brown but not lots of blood - I guess this was leftover stuff from the mc. I had a couple of stringy clots - maybe 6cm in length? I wouldn't normally have those. Then some red. It wasn't like a normal period for me, but it wasn't worse than one either. It didn't hurt - but I haven't had period pain (miraculously, it seems to me) since having DS, and my miscarriage didn't really hurt either. Testing every 3 days sounds good to me. Hope you get your negative soon.

@Laney79 I'm so sorry you're having such a painful experience. How did the football go? I hope you were able to drive okay. The last three days of my mc bleeding was just brownish stuff; I don't know if that helps.

@BadBadBeans the footy was good-we won 3-1...pain wasn't bad at all which was good, especially with the drive, although I am still passing tissue/clots. If anything it's got a bit heavier yesterday and today. It's day 18 now I think. I'm just sick of it. It's been over 8 weeks since the first scan, when we found out there was something wrong, I've been through 4 scans, 3 rounds of medical management, back and forth to the hospital seemingly endlessly. Bleeding nearly three weeks now. I've just had enough. Losing my baby was bad enough but this is really just adding to my torment.

@Laney87 Sorry you're still bleeding, 8 weeks is ages! It'll be 5 weeks tomorrow since my first scan showed a problem, that feels quite long and drawn out enough!

I'm going back to work tomorrow

@TinyPaws I went back to work last week. I've been very tired-physically and emotionally. Are you doing phased return?

I'm really struggling tonight. Is it really too much to ask for this nightmare to be over? The punishment is never ending. Starting to think it's fate trying to tell me that I shouldn't be a mom. Is it such a big ask to be able to go back to being normal? I really truly hate my body right now. X

@Laney79 So sorry things are still so hard for you. Have you been in touch with EPAU about the continued bleeding and cramps? x

I've opted not to do phased return as occupational health where I work seem incapable of arranging a phased return at a sensible rate (I don't want to still be on reduced hours in a month!).

My first day at work didn't go too badly, the worst bit is that I was told I will be put on the first stage of the absence review procedure as I have triggered due to too much time off work, I did query this as I don't think the miscarriage should be counted as it's pregnancy related. If they do decide to put me on formal absence management proceedings ANY absence at all in the next year will re-trigger me.

I did another pregnancy test this morning, still a faint positive. It doesn't really seem to be fading much - all 3 tests I have done since the miscarriage have looked similar. Will do another in 3 days. Fingers crossed for a negative one next time.

I was mid Feb and literally this week just starting to feel like myself again so I can only say keep going, time does help. I still think about it everyday, am still having counselling & still feel an underlying sadness BUT I do feel a bit more 'normal everyday. I took myself and boyfriend away for a much needed spa break and that helped. We relaxed together and laughed together whereas everything we had done together since Feb was tinged with sadness. Plan something positive it gives you something to look forward to xxx

@TinyPaws I'm absolutely certain they can't do that. pregnancy sickness must be recorded separately and not be used in any disciplinary sense and why else would they be putting you on this procedure? I would be pointing this out.....

So it was worth querying the absence management procedure, had it confirmed today that I'll not be put on the formal procedure as absence due to the miscarriage will not be counted. I have to go to review meetings for support but I'm not bothered by that, just don't want my absence to be deemed "unacceptable" and worthy of a "warning".

@13FLOWERS Glad you're starting to feel more normal, a spa break sounds like a great idea!