Missed miscarriage, feeling so sad.

[TinyPaws]

I had a missed miscarriages diagnosed today after two scans a week apart failed to show any heartbeat or growth.

I just feel so so sad, I can't stop crying. I feel like a fraud for grieving a little baby that never was, I'm scared of the physical processes to come, I'm afraid I'll never hold a child of my own, and I feel like I let my partner down. But mostly I'm just so so sad that I lost my baby.

I know millions of women go through this... how do you do it?

Thanks @BadBadBeans. Some workmen dug up the road right outside my driveway so I can't physically get out in the car anyway. I wouldn't class my pain as "severe".

The cramps haven't really escalated much from this morning. Still got moderate lower back pain, period-like tummy pain is a little worse but no worse than an actual period so far.

The next bit may be TMI - please don't read if you don't want to! However I'm finding sharing here quite cathartic as I'm by myself at the moment with no-one else to share it with. Also hopefully reading this might be useful to someone else as I don't think we get told much about what miscarriage is like despite it being very common.

Anyway, I've started to pass a fair amount of watery mucous with very solid little white clumps in which is a bit weird. It doesn't smell or look purulent or foul so I'm guessing it's nothing to worry about. Pretty sure it's not my "waters" going, I wonder if maybe it's the mucous plug?

EPAU weren't too clear on when I should come in, they said I could call them if I wanted another scan or if I decided I wanted medical or surgical management, they said I should expect to lose a lot of blood but they didn't say how much blood loss is too much.

@TinyPaws Oh that's good that the pain isn't worse than a period. Although to be honest the period pain I have had in the past has been worse than the pain I had when I was in early labour!

Ooo I didn't get the watery mucus or white clumps. However I had a quick Google on your behalf and found something that maybe sounds a bit like it (discharge clots) that comes under general signs of a miscarriage: here. My mucus plug at the end of pregnancy was a massive clump (and quite grim) but I don't know what it would look like at this point. Do you have your midwife service number? Maybe you could ask them about what you are experiencing and find out what it is? Personally I hate not knowing if stuff is normal or not - I would always rather ask than worry!

In terms of blood loss, apologies if I have already said this but at my heaviest I completely soaked a whopping great maternity pad in less than 2 hours. Although to be fair at my heaviest I was prob on the loo! I checked with doc and he said that was okay as long as it didnt go on for too long - i had that level of bleeding for a period of 2-3 hours on two consecutive days. It slowed in between. If you feel dizzy or faint you should call the hospital. Also if you think you might be losing more blood or clots than is normal. I rang when it happened the second day as I was worried and it really reassured me to talk to someone professional.

Sounds like things are moving for you. Hope it holds off till your partner is home. X

That was me 4 years ago OP. I went for my 20-week scan and the baby had died 5 weeks previously. Hands down the most painful moment of my life. I cried for months. It's exactly as you say, the plans / future you imagined are brutally taken away, and you lose your innocence in a way, you realise pregnancy can be a hideously painful experience. You can't forget that ever again.

I had medical management and despite the horror of what was happening I had the most amazing care from the doctor and mideife so it could have been a lot worse.

We started trying again straight away and were lucky to conceive again very quickly but my subsequent pregnancy was an extremely stressful experience, I was so traumatised by the loss. I did find some peace when I realised that the loss was not my fault. I blamed myself for ages but there was no point. Even though the loss was unexplained, it didn't hapoen because of something I'd done.

Now I have two healthy and lovely children and I am happy (done putting myself through pregnancy though!). The way I look at it, if my first child had been born I wouldn't have my kids and I can't imagine my life without them. Give yourself as much time as you need, you are experiencing real grief. But time will heal you. I hope you're surrounded by supportive and loving people. And I wish you all the best.

Oh gosh @Hobbitch, 20 weeks, I can’t imagine (well, I can, but it’s hard to). I’m so glad your subsequent pregnancies went well.

My partner is here now which is a relief as the cramps have intensified quite a bit. I wish this didn’t have to happen but it does so just got to deal with it.

Thank you @tinypaws.
Hope the next few hours are ok for you and your partner takes good care of you. Don't be a hero, take pain relief if you need it. So sorry you're having to go through this.

Hi @TinyPaws, it was the same for me at my 12 week scan today sadly - missed miscarriage. Horrible feeling, I knew instantly. I'm so sorry you're still feeling so down too. I think it's going to take some time for the feeling to go. I think we just need to rely on friends and family for support and I'm always here if you want a chat.

Thank you @toasterstrudel, and sorry for your loss.

Emotionally the week between the two scans and the day of the second scan were the worst, now I feel more focused on getting through the physical side of things. I'm lucky in that things do seem to be starting naturally although mustn't count my chickens as I haven't had any bleeding yet, only cramping. I just long for a little scrunchy baby so much.

Fingers crossed it happens quickly and as easily as possible for you and then you can start to move forward. The wait inbetween must have been horrid, I remember speaking to you on the Nov thread on Sat about how we'd lost any symptoms and I just knew. I found this week very hard and was oddly calm at the scan as id almost expected it. DH was gutted as he thought I was just being pessimistic. We're very lucky to have DS though. I'm hoping things pass quickly for us, but unfortunately will need to have surgical management as I've not been pregnant for at least 5 weeks and my body hasn't noticed. Hope things pass naturally for you soon and really, really hope you can be on another bus soon. I'm so sorry, it's just shit x

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you get through this soon.

I think the physical side of it is a bit different for everyone. I never really got heavy bleeding, no heavier than a normal period for me, but it went on for months.

I had a few contractions for the first couple of nights, and after the misoprostol a few weeks later, but otherwise nothing out of the ordinary, and they weren't that painful, just a different kind of pain to the usual cramps.

I bled and had 'retained material' coming out for weeks on end, with a week or so break occasionally. But I don't think that's the norm.

Emotionally, I stayed in bed mostly, watched lots of movies, ate lots of chocolate, and just relaxed as much as I could.

If there's ever a time to relax, be taken care of, and eat chocolate - it's now. This is shit, so pamper yourself, get your favourite treats, let your partner take care of you at all opportunities, and cry all you need to.

Oh bless you @toasterstrudel, that sucks. The EPAU said they’d try expectant management for up to 6 weeks, my baby died over 2 weeks ago and my symptoms started to fade about a week ago. Really I knew by the second scan that it wasn’t going to be good news but there was still that tiny shred of hope. I guess I have nearly 4 weeks for it to come out on it’s own but I don’t think I’d leave it that long TBH - I’d like to but it’s emotionally wearing.

Thanks @sabretoothtigger, and sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

I haven’t had a good night, cramps are now strong enough to wake me from sleeping. Now on the sofa, dosed up on paracetamol with a heat pack on my back and another one on my tummy.

@tinypaws Sorry to hear that. Hopefully it means things are moving along, and this will be over soon for you. I hope the paracetamol and heat pads ease things. Warm baths were good, but I made sure my partner sat with me, just in case.. Virtual hugs!

Cramping all day but still no bleeding. Passing more mucous unlike anything else I've had though. I'd like to get things over with.

That sucks @tinypaws. Our bodies can be so treacherous and cruel. I hope for your sake it happens soon. Hang in there, I'm thinking of you.

Hi @tinypaws how was your night? I totally understand what you mean by wanting it over with. I find the mornings the hardest because I still wake up feeling sick. I just want this all over and done with. I mean, I don't, I want my baby. But I'm coming to terms with the fact that just won't be happening. I've got surgery on weds. I'm seeing if things will happen naturally until then but my useless body just hasn't caught on at all so far so it seems very unlikely.

My night was... better, actually. The cramps eased off and I got some sleep. Still no sign of any bleeding. I'm in a foul mood and my pregnancy symptoms have almost completely gone. Might pop back to EPAU next week if doesn't get properly started in the next few days.

@toasterstrudel I know exactly how you feel. I want my baby too but I know that it's died and I need my body to move on.

No wonder you're in a bad mood @TinyPaws, it's just such a shit situation all round. I think have a date in mind for when you'll head to EPU if nothings happened by then, it'll maybe help you if you can retain a modicum of control over it. I've opted for surgical management on Weds but have been having cramps all weekend so really hoping it just gets moving before then. My pregnancy ceased at 7 weeks and according to lmp I'm currently 12 weeks, so how my body didn't clock on I really don't know. Just rubbish for us all.

@TinyPaws I really hope it all gets a shift on for you soon :( It's so horrid to have to wait, with no idea of when it will start. Maybe it would help you to have medical management to bring it on, so at least you wouldn't be waiting around?

@toasterstrudle hope that the cramps have got things going for you. It's startling how long it takes, isn't it? My body took 3 weeks to notice. I guess I sort of thought that when a baby died early in pregnancy, it generally triggered an immediate miscarriage. Now I'm actually experiencing it, I guess I can see that that wouldn't make sense - that of course it would take ages for the body to pick up on signals that it shouldn't be continuing with the pregnancy... I suppose actually most miscarriages happen like this, with quite a long gap between the two events?

Mine is easing up a lot now - I'm at day 12 and it finally feels like I'm getting to the end of a normal period. Hoping things start soon for you guys. I feel soooo much better to be coming out the other side of it.

Glad you’re starting to feel better @BadBadBeans.

I’m still cramping, still no bleeding. Medical management is starting to look quite appealing but going to give it a bit more time first.

Hello, I’m sorry to see everyone here. So heartbreaking.

I’m also I’m the same boat and recognise some from the November thread.

I had a mmc at 7-8 weeks picked up at my 10 week harmony scan. Although I didn’t have symptoms we saw the heartbeat at 7+1 and my bump was growing so I really thought it was alive. I thought it might have a chromosomal problem causing the low symptoms but was so shocked.

I started medical management today and so far waters have broken.

PS BadBadBeans, so interesting about the body not recognising it until weeks later. I believe this is the case for many miscarriages and I found a write-up supporting this online. I suspect the official is out of date now that we have early scans.

@lilacandlavender oh no, I'm so sorry you're in this boat with us all too. It's so shit, especially when you'd seen a heartbeat. I would have assumed all would be fine too. That's just rotten. I hope everything happens as quickly and with as little discomfort as possible. I've got the op on Weds and to be honest I really just want all this over and done with.

@BadBadBeans I think you're right about the body not realising for a while. I'd thought the cramps I've had would move things along but it's looking more likely I'll be having surgery on Weds. Either way, just want this done now.

@lilacandlavender Sorry to see another from the November bus on here. Hope things are as easy as possible for you from here on in.

I'm still cramping but not bleeding. Pregnancy nausea completely gone now. I'm thinking of going for medical management as not much seems to be happening naturally - and I'd like to hear about others experiences of this if you feel able to share.

@lilacandlavender I'm so sorry to see someone else from our November bus. That must have been especially devastating after having seen a heartbeat. Best of luck with medical management. Gosh I didn't even think about waters breaking at this stage. I guess mine was so small at 6 weeks gestation that I just didn't notice. Yes I was thinking the same thing about early scans - that previously women might have carried on for weeks and weeks before miscarrying naturally.

@toasterstrudle ugh sorry you may have to go for surgery but at least you can then stop playing the waiting game. Good luck with it all - let us know what happens.

@TinyPaws yes I would be fed up with waiting now. At least the cramping is a sign that your body is doing something, but I think if it were me I would want to look at medical management now.

Day 13 here and bleeding is teeny tiny on pad, and not lots when I wipe. I did say, 'I think it's nearly over' and my husband replied, 'Hopefully it's all out' which really pissed me off as it immediately made me doubt that it was all out!

Hopefully it is nearly all over for you @BadBadBeans and you can move on to whatever's next for you.

Just made an appointment to go in to EPAU for discussion of medical management and repeat ultrasound on Thursday morning (next available appointment). Still crampy, still nothing much happening here.