Miscarried 2 weeks ago advice please

[EllieG]

I had a missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago at 12 weeks. It was my first baby. I did a lot of crying after coming out of hospital and thought I was starting to feel stronger. I have just spent the weekend with my sister-in-law, who is pregnant and due the same day I would have been. Although I am so happy for her, since coming home I have felt so low and sad. I am even starting to resent my step-daughter (who is a lovely girl) for not being mine and feel I am withdrawing from her. I get these feelings of jealousy towards my partner because he has had a child and (I feel - irrationally) he will never be as hurt at losing this one as me. And now I feel that instead of being a family I am back to being a somewhat sub-standard Mummy-replacement for my step-daughter (her mother died 2 years ago). All these feelings are so stupid but I can't stop. I am so sad and angry all the time. At the weekend they started talking about how they were starting to feel their baby move, and I was so unhappy that I won't feel that.
When do I start to feel better? I just want this all to go away.

So sorry for your loss EllieG. I had 4 m/c's so know a bit how you feel. It does really hurt to be around other babies/pg women, so can you just avoid it for a while? You might want to speak to a Cruse bereavement counsellor if your feelings (which aren't stupid just normal unfortunately) don't improve. My other advice is to try again when you are able. Miscarriage is common but the chances are it won't happen again.

I think castlesintheair had some good advice, and I have nothing to add to that, other than to say that I had two mcs and I think I know a bit of what you are going through. It's awful and my thoughts are with you.

Oh Ellie - how sad for you. m/c rocked me to the core - I never knew how devastating it was until it happened to me.

Your hormones are all over the place and you need to look after yourself - care now will pay off in the long run. I would avoid throwing yourself into situations with other pregnant people if you can - until you are a bit stronger.

Your feelings aren't stupid - it is you trying to cope and survive - let them flow.

I went on to have two beautiful children.

Sorry you are going through this. It is very hard and particularly with your sil being at a similar stage. Just to let you know that what you are feeling is normal. Of course you can't stop feeling how you do. You need time to grieve. This link can give you more information and possibly help you understand your feelings.Miscarriage Association
Be kind to yourself at the moment. Your turn will come when you are ready.

Thanks all for the advice. It helps to know I am not being weird and that is normal to feel this way. It's also nice to know about good endings with healthy children - although I am scared of trying again. Half of me really wants to, but my partner wants to wait til next year, and I am scared about how I would cope if it happened again. Dimpledthighs - 'rocked to the core' is exactly how I'm feeling, and it really took me by suprise, as I didn't think I would care this much. Everyone just tells you how common it is after, and my SIL (being wellmeaning) started talking about how she couldn't understand people having funerals etc for m/c'd babies, but none of that is very helpful, and just makes you feel as though you are a bit silly and self-indulgent to feel sad.
Hearing other people felt the same really helps, thanks x

Hello EllieG so sorry for whats happened, I had a MC at 11 weeks at the end of december 06 and the hospital arranged a cremation service for the baby. They said that they always did this and just because it didn't make it to full term didn't make it any less of a baby.
They also said we didn't have to go if we couldn't face it as the chaplin would be there anyway. We did go (although we didn't tell anyone else about it as we couldn't cope at the time) and it was a beautiful little service but I hadn't realised before my MC that hospitals did things like this.
I think what I'm trying to say is that a time like this you need to do whatever it is that helps you get through it and those lucky enough to have never experienced this will never truly know the depth of the pain. I was lucky the fact the hospital took my loss seriously really helped.

So very sorry for your loss xx I have had 3 losses at 11wks, 20wks, 23 wks and all very painful and I really struggled each time. I found most ppl don't get it unless they have been thru it. I also have 4 healthy LO's born in between so there is always hope xx

AW I REALLY FEEL FOR YOU,HAVING RECENTLY M/C FOR THE SECOND TIME MYSELF.IT IS AWFUL AND NO-ONE CAN STOP YOUR HURTING,YOU ARE COMPLETELY NORMAL TO FEEL THE WAY YOU DO,YOUR BOUND TO FEEL RESENTFUL OF OTHERS,HURT,ANGRY,SAD ETC

THAT WAS A BIT INSENSITIVE OF YOUR SIL,I KNOW LIFE MOVES ON FOR OTHER PEOPLE BUT IT HAS ONLY BEEN 2 WEEKS FOR GODS SAKE,THEY SHOULD THINK OF YOUR FEELINGS BEFORE BRAGGING ABOUT THEIR OWN PREGNANCY.

AM I RIGHT IN SUSPECTING THOUGH THAT NO-ONE KNOWS YOU ARE FEELING THIS BAD,YOU PUT ON A GOOD ACT SO EVERYONE THINKS YOU ARE COPING SO ITS ACCEPTABLE TO TALK ABOUT THEIR PREG?IN THAT CASE COULDN'T YOUR HUBBY/MIL HAVE A WORD,LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE FINDING IT REALLY HARD AND STILL VERY MUCH GRIEVING?

JELLYBEANS,THOSE ARE VERY LATE M/C WERE THEY FAIRLY RECENT?
I KNOW ITS STILL A LOSS AT ANY STAGE AND ITS AWFUL WHENEVER IT HAPPENS BUT I DEFINATELY FELT THE THE PAIN MORE 2ND TIME AT 13 WKS THAN FIRST TIME AT 6WKS BECAUSE BY THAT TIME IT STARTED TO FEEL "SAFE" IYKWIM

Ellie, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. Miscarriage is very common, but gruellingly hard. I've had three myself, none as late on as yours. (I also have a ds, who's nearly 2, and am 14 weeks pregnant again). With time you will feel better, but it's important to accept those feelings of grief. And really, don't see your SIL if you feel you can't face it.

Its only been two weeks and I know we all say it but time is a great healer. I think its good to talk to someone and you should speak to your GP or some other professional. My friend miscarried whilst I was pregnant. I really tried to be sensitive and I was absolutely devastated for her.

Ellie - so sorry to hear about this and how insensitive of your sil. The sad thing is that unless you are one of the unlucky people who have gone through this, I don't think you can begin to comprehend how devastating it is. It is not just the death of someone you didn't ever get to meet, it is a whole future that is taken away from you.

I had one in September 2006 and one in November 2006. I eventually got my sister to light some candles in January 2007 and started to feel a bit better. But to be honest, I think that falling pg again was the only thing that really helped. I don't know how long it will take you to come to terms with it (I don't think you ever really "get over" it), but it will get easier with time...

My dh has two children from his first marriage and was very hard hit by both m/c. He has told me he can't bear to talk about them because it hurts too much. I would be surprised if your partner isn't devastated because he knows from experience exactly how wonderful it is to be expecting a baby, see it born and see it growing up. Don't write him off...

Other than that, be easy on yourself and don't listen to anyone who is less than sympathetic. You will find lots of support on here and that really helped me with my second one...

Thank you so much, I feel so much more comforted hearing from people who really seem to understand how I'm feeling.
I think you're right though Ash - I did put on a very brave face for my sil, I thought it was more acceptable that way and I didn't want them to feel uncomfortable. Perhaps I should have just owned up to how difficult I found it and then it might have been easier all round. Since posting this morning I have been so relieved to hear from other people - I talked to my partner at lunchtime and tried to explain a bit more how I was feeling and he was lovely. I explained to him that I couldn't be around his sis for a bit and he completely understood. I think he deals differently from me - he is happy for me to talk but he tends to deal with his own sadness by just shutting it off. Whereas I want to talk and talk and talk - but only to people who understand because most people go down the line of 'Well it's probably for the best'. And they appear to feel relieved when you say that too as it's more acceptable, so if you DON'T feel it was for the best (even if illogical) and are just crying inside because of the empty feeling of loss you feel doubly inadequate somehow...
thank goodness for Mumsnet. I thought I couldn't post on here having lost my baby, but it has been so helpful. Thank you.

Ellie, glad you feel a little comforted xx You will always be a mummy as will all of us with angels xx ASH- yes i had my 3rd m/c in January at 20 wks, total shock, and still raw. Not sure of a reason yet-still waiting results. My 23 wk DD (5 yr ago) was lost to a chromosome disorder, not sure why for my 11 wk loss (more than 10 yr ago). All were horrible and all were after I had seen a heartbeat on the scan. I have also had 4 l/c so there is hope (((hugs))) to you all xxxx

Ellie - I am glad you have found support here - mumsnet (jellybeans again!) really helped me come to terms with what happened to me and I wish I had had it at the time.

Look after yourself and feel how you feel without over thinking things. As time passes the pain gets less and you are left with the love for your little one.

It is confusing and emotional - but that is all okay.

Good night.

Ellie - just so you know, there are threads about both ttc and being pg after a m/c. If and when you are ready, it is well worth joining in with them as you will find a huge amount of support from others who know exactly how you are feeling...

Thanks Mumpbump - What does ttc mean?

Ellie, ttc - trying to conceive

Good luck

best wishes for today.

I had a missed mc at 13 weeks ( baby was 7 weeks ) and it totally shocked me and left me in a bit of a state, which only i really knew about! I didnt want to share how i felt with anyone, and always acted strong! then i had a 'normal' mc last august at about 13 weeks also. That was also difficult, but i tried to keep strong again! Nobody really knows how hard the mc's hit me, and im not the type to want a fuss. i find it easier to cope alone, which i suppose is quite silly really! I kept thinking, 'oh well lots of people are worse off, how can i feel sorry for myself' when really i just wanted to talk about it, acknowledge it and have a good cry about it!

I am 16 weeks pregnant now, and im so scared! I have never got this far before, and ive told all of my family, so if i have another mc they will all know! thats the worst thing for me, people wanting to give me sympathy!

I have gone on a bit, but what i wanted to say is your not alone, and no matter how common it is, it still hurts like hell!! I read somewhere that the lost babies are not gone, but just waiting until they find the right body! that sounded lovely to me, and i'll keep that with me, and hope that my baby has chosen this body for life!

Huge hugs, and look after yourself!

h xxx

Thanks honey - that's exactly how I feel - I went through a stage where I felt that I should not be sad because other people had worse things happen to them, and so many people tell you things like 'oh well it wasn't really a baby at that stage' etc, but it was to me! I think actually letting it all out and admitting to my DP how rotten I was feeling last night (after advice from you guys) really helped, because we had a really honest chat and he told me how much he missed our lost little one too so I don't feel so alone now.
Best of luck with your PG honey - it bodes well to get to 16 weeks - I will have everything crossed for you x

thanks ellie. I'm still panicking a lot though!

Its good you spoke to your dp!!When i actually spoke to my boyfriend and he admitted he was really scared about this pregnancy too etc, i realised i had forgotten about his feelings. it really would have helped if we had talked about it at the time. dont bottle it up. I'll look out for you on th pregnancy boards soon chick.

take care xx

Hi EllieG. I have just found out at my 12 week scan that i have had a molar pregnancy, so i know how you are feeling. I just feel angry at the minute. People can be so insensitive, friends came to visit at weekend and told me these things happen for a reason and that the baby probably wasn't perfect. I just wanted to scream at them that i wanted my baby perfect or not. Neither of them are mothers themselves and don't have a clue how i feel. Go easy on yourself you haven't had long to greive.

I will if you do too lovelylou - one of the things I've learnt over the last few days is to pay NO attention to the well-meaning but crass people who tell you it's all for the best. It isn't. Surround yourself with people who aren't trying to tell you how you should feel and do whatever you need to do to let it out.
Will be thinking of you. Take care OK? xxx

thanks chick xxx