Miscarried 2 weeks ago advice please

[EllieG]

I had a missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago at 12 weeks. It was my first baby. I did a lot of crying after coming out of hospital and thought I was starting to feel stronger. I have just spent the weekend with my sister-in-law, who is pregnant and due the same day I would have been. Although I am so happy for her, since coming home I have felt so low and sad. I am even starting to resent my step-daughter (who is a lovely girl) for not being mine and feel I am withdrawing from her. I get these feelings of jealousy towards my partner because he has had a child and (I feel - irrationally) he will never be as hurt at losing this one as me. And now I feel that instead of being a family I am back to being a somewhat sub-standard Mummy-replacement for my step-daughter (her mother died 2 years ago). All these feelings are so stupid but I can't stop. I am so sad and angry all the time. At the weekend they started talking about how they were starting to feel their baby move, and I was so unhappy that I won't feel that.
When do I start to feel better? I just want this all to go away.

Hi guys, just been reading this thread as I had a missed m/c this week at 13 weeks (baby was 10+4). maybe we can support each other over the next few weeks? I am still in a little bit of shock. I was so scared today when I went for a D&C, it felt so invasive but it wasn't so bad really, DH was there and he has been brilliant. I was crying all the time before the op, even as they put me under!

I felt quite positive afterwards, 'fresh' somehow if that is the right word. But now I am feeling low again and am so sad. I am worse when people ring me up - they are so sad too and that makes me sad! It feels so good to talk about it - but some friends have found it difficult to know what to say and have been getting off the phone really quick, when I'm thinking 'no, I want to talk about it some more!'

I didn't have any PG symptoms so I know it was probably a problem with my hormone levels so am worried for next time.

I have two close friends who are PG and due the same month I was and I haven't seen either yet but I know it is going to be so hard when they start to show. I am dreading it. One is my hairdresser and I really need my hair colouring and think it would be nice to look my best right now but don't know if I can cope seeing her!

I really want to be PG again in the next couple of months (we caught first month of trying this time) but then I am worried cos I know it might not work out that way. I am so impatient I don't think I will be able to cope.

Look after yourselves guys, grieve for your babies and try to be positive about the future. It will happen for us. xxx

nh101 - it's a horrid time isn't it? I know how you feel about the D&C, I cried pretty much non-stop and was still snivelling outside the theatre myself. Look after yourself at the moment chicken - get your hair done, but for god's sake use another hairdresser! I thought I would be OK round my pregnant SIL but it was so, so much harder than I anticipated. You will just feel like you have to put on a front and it will make you miserable. If she is a good friend she will understand the change in hairdressers for a few months, the most important thing at the moment is that you look after your own wellbeing. And if that means taking time away from your PG friends they should understand.
It will happen for you eventually - you got PG easily, and that's a good sign that your body works the way it should. And you sound like you have a lovely DH who is being supportive, so use him and lean on each other. I was suprised to find out how much my DP really understood how I was/am feeling. And even when he didn't understand, he was still really supportive.
Let us know how you go OK? I have found the support on this thread amazingly helpful, just knowing there are people who understand and care, so keep talking hon as much as you need to xxxx

Hi ladies. Had a bad night last night with nightmares. Kept dreaming that i was pregnant again and the same thing happened. Sick of waiting for test results, really want it not to be a molar pregnancy cos i cannot wait a year to try again, so broody

When do you get your results?
My DP wants to wait a year til we try again 'to let things settle' but I hate the idea. Am toying with getting PG accidentally but think that might be a little unfair...

I have lost two babies through m/c including my youngest's twin. The day the first baby was due I felt down all day and couldn't understand why. I then realised what day it was and felt so sad. I was already pregnant again but just felt so very sad. I have 3 children but feel like I should have 5. It gets a bit easier over time but I will never stop wishing my son's twin was here.

And you shouldn't feel you have to forget NAB3. I don't want to forget my little one (we called him Elvis).
I want some advice actually - on the day it happened I didn't want to take any of the scan pictures away or anything, as I was too raw and just wanted it all to go away. But I think I would quite like one now, as it's the only thing I will have (though I planted some bulbs on my granny and grandpa's grave for little Elvis to have something lovely grow this year). Do you think the hospital will let me have one of the scan pictures? Or do you think is a bad idea and might make me sadder and I should leave it alone?

Nobody has said how long it takes. Really hope its not that, it all just sound so scary

I am miscarrying this week after 12 weeks, was dealing with it naturally but after ending up in A&E on Tues, had scheduled ERPC for today. Scan today revealed I had expelled most of "product" so I left the hospital without the procedure as felt the natural way was the best way to go. This has been the worst week and I am all over the place. I am 42 and this believe it or not was my first ever pregnancy. I just need to contact other people who have gone or are going through this.

Hello

It looks like a lot of us are going through the same thing. I had a scan on Wednesday at 11 weeks that revealed the baby had died at 9 weeks. Had ERPC on Thursday, but it still hasn't really all sunk in. So shocking.

This was my fourth miscarriage in two years. The last one ended at 13 weeks, and the one before that at 11. (The others were earlier). I'd been on steroids, prescribed by a Harley Street consultant, so thought everything would be OK this time. I'm 41, and don't know if I can bear to start thinking I may never have children. But don't know if I can keep going through this.

Ellie G, thanks so much for your words of support - yes, I think my PG friends will understand if I don't want to see them. I haven't made a decision about my hair yet!

Everyone keeps saying looks after yourself but I am kind of enjoying not looking after myself at the mo! I spent all my time PG worrying about eating the right thing, whether stuff had enough protein in, not drinking caffeine and obviously not alcohol - well, I am enjoying drinking alcohol again!

It's only since the mc that I have realised just how anxious being PG made me. I think I was so terrified that I would lose the baby (which I always thought I would TBH, just cos so many others do and it is so common I knew it was a strong possibility) that I never stopped thinking 'is this good for the baby' and 'could I be harming the baby'. It is kind of nice to have a release from the pressure of that! I am a bit neurotic I must admit, but I think the next pregnancy I will be so much more relaxed. I would be devastated to have another mc but at least now I know what it is like and know I can cope. The fear of the unknown is worse I think.

I feel I am coping OK but worry that everything I say or think is just a sign that subconsciously I am falling apart IYSWIM!

Ellie I am glad you've been able to talk properly with your DP, people forget that they are devastated too.

Lovelylou, I have been reading up on molar pregnancy - you poor thing. Is it making it hard that people don't understand what it is (even as I was bleeding and reading my books to see what it could be I ignored the bit on MP because it said it was so rare). Is it not more common in older women (which of course you may be so forgive me if I am being too personal). if you need to chat about the ins and outs then just write what you are thinking and I can refer to my book to find out what you mean instead of you having to explain it all in your post. I hope I am making myself clear, I fear I am not! Is there something you can do over the next 12 months eg take a great holiday that you wouldn't have been able to do if you had still been PG. That might give you something to focus on.

I am 30 in July and I wasn't going to have a party because I was PG, but now I am thinking of maybe organising an early party in about 8 weeks time to give me something to look forward to and focus on until we can try again. I think everyone will understand why I am having my do a month or two early!

How is it with your SIL now Ellie?

Have you explained to your DP how much you want to try again? I hope he can be talked around! I wouldn't do it accidentally, I think it will be tough enough without that hanging over you too.

Contact the hospital to see if they can get you a pic. If they can, take it and if it is not very nice just hide it away. You are feeling so bad that it is worth trying to see if it can make you feel better. I didn't want a pic either but we'd had a scan at 10 weeks and had a pic from then. I didn't want to see my dead baby on the pic.

Hi Blahmode - so sorry that you are going through this too. Have you got lots of people you can talk to? Let it all out here and we'll help as much as we can.

How did everyone get on going back to work? I am going back on Wed or Thurs and am dreading going back to 'normal' cos it will be like this PG never happened. maybe. Perhaps it will be good though, no point moping around the house forever.

I am sorry my post is so long. I find it therapeutic to let it all out so hope you understand.

Hi herbaceus, we crossed posts - I am so sorry for you. It's just horrible horrible horrible. Have faith - it WILL happen for you. I will pray for you (as I will for everyone on this thread). How are you dealing with it?

Thanks nh. At the moment it hasn't really sunk in, but I remember that last time it wasn't until the pregnancy hormones went away that the crash really happened, which was awful. I feel almost numb, and want to cry, but now the initial shock of the bad news has worn off I'm in limbo.

I had a horrible dream last night though. Just as I was falling asleep, I imagined the baby was lying cheek-to-cheek with me, but it was cold and dead. Brrr.

Yes I fear I am still benefiting from the PG hormones. But then I think for every day that goes by I am nearer to be PG again and that can only be good.

I have been really low today. I am OK when I am doing something fun like having a few drinks or going out for a meal or spending money on something a bit frivolous, but I know I can't do that forever. I am going to have to go back to real life soon and i just hope I'll be OK.

I hope you guys will be too.

Hi nh101. People don't know what molar pregnancy is but to be honest neither did i till this happened. I am only 26 so not down to age just bad luck.
Got really drunk last night and made a prat of myself, cried and cried to my poor friend. She has had a miscarriage as well so kind of understands. This molar pregnancy thing makes everything harder because i am greiving for a baby that was never there so they say. Feel really low today and wish i had not got so drunk cos feel silly now.

It must be very hard for you Lovelylou. Your baby was a baby as much as anyone's. Even a baby lost at six weeks is barely recognisable as a baby but it is no less upsetting and no less a baby. So the same goes for your little one. I really hope you can get through this and focus on next year.

Don't worry about getting drunk - you have special dispensation at the moment to do anything and get away with it. I am sure your friend understands your pain and can even see that it may be more painful for you than it was even for her.

Being hungover is probably making you feel more low (I was the same yesterday) so you will feel better tomorrow. And tomorrow is one day closer to being able to try again. xxxx

Went out with friends and got drunk on sat too - I think it made it worse cos I spent lots of time going on and on about how rubbish I was feeling - was quite theraputic but then a hangover made things ten times worse the next day! Was quite looking forward to getting back to work this morning after weekend because my SD (lovely as she is) was doing my nut this weekend. Through no fault of her own, you understand, just becuase I was tired and grumpy and didn't want to play families. Also had dream I was PG again and losing another baby and just crying and crying and so scared.
I have a really good therapist I used to see, i might go and see her again for a top-up session to help with this bit. I don't know if it's too soon, but I am fed up of feeling crap.
Sorry for moaning.

Blahmode - I'm so sorry for your news. Use this space to vent hon, I've found it really useful. Will be thinking of you xxx

Do feel a bit better today, just tired. Got about two hours sleep last night. Was sleeping okay but to be honest really nervous cos think [hope] results should come back this week and just had a really bad day yesturday. Feeling sorry for myself but have to pull myself together for dd. Thanks for the kind thoughts nh101 and Ellie. Always makes me feel a little better knowing i am not the only one feeling like this.

Sorry for moaning. Starting to get on my own nerves

Hi Ladies, so helpful for me to read this thread. I'm sat at home in my dressing gown avoiding work. I went in for my first scan at 13 weeks last Monday - when the ultrasonographer said it didn't look good I just said "oh okay..." it was like I was expecting a bad result more than a good one. I was relieved to read that others had felt nervous through their pregnancy too as I am starting to wonder if I knew deep down that something was wrong. Problem is if it is your first one you don't know how big you should be at each week. I had an ERPC on Friday (it miscarried at 9 weeks and I keep trying to look back and think if there were any signs)- 4 days of waiting which were the worst ever. The hospital experience was dreadful - the op was fine - in and out in minutes but waiting for the op and the treatment by the staff who seemed to have no idea what we were going through was rubbish. I could hear everything that was going on in the other cubicles so safe to say they knew my life story. Friends and family are desperate to talk to me but I feel it is more for their benefit as they feel so awful. Finally managed to chat properly to my Mum today but was so upset by the time I put the phone down. I'm finding it really hard to look forward to anything as we had planned the next 6 months to include my pregnancy and by 13 weeks thought we were through the hard bit (do you wish you had miscarried naturally early on too? I feel like my body cheated me- and am worried the same will happen again - how will I go through it all and still be sane?). I have 3 best friends pregnant now and they have sent flowers etc - really lovely but when I think of them all blooming away I want to scream (I have become a very bitter person in a very short period of time). My husband wants to wait a bit before trying again but I would try again now if the docs hadn't said to wait at least another cycle. At least I know you are all here and that I am not the only one going through this. Sending big love to you all

You're really not on your own here popsy76 - I have to say that one of the only things that has helped me has been talking to people who understand what I'm going through. No one who feels like this is going to tell you 'It's for the best' or any of that other bollocks people say when they don't really know what to say. I know they mean well and is better than avoiding the topic but is better for people simply to let you talk and be there to listen. Have you got anyone like that there for you?
Sending you lots of hugs. The feelings of bitterness are entirely natural - I started off thinking I was fine but very soon discovered am so so not around PG people. I went out with my SD yesterday to a playzone thing and there was a couple there with a baby and I couldn't stop staring at it. Oh dear. I hope I don't turn into one of those loons that snatch babies.
Don't rush back to work - it ain't that important. I had a week off and to be honest I wish I had taken 2, because I can't concentrate too well at the moment (hence all the posts!) but is quite good distraction now I suppose.
Rang up the ward today and asked for scan pictures, and they said they would send but that it would 'just look like a blob'. I felt a bit silly asking, I think they thought I was.

Don't worry about moaning lovelylou, is all OK here.

Hi EllieG thanks for the message - Have been reading miscarriage threads for the past 2 hours...I feel like I have sneakily gorged on 20 mars bars - you know that feeling of YUM mixed with oh god am i mad doing this? Such a relief to have MN to talk to...Can't believe there are so many women in the same boat - seems to me that it is amazing that people manage to have babies at all. Going to make some cake for DH tonight - he's been fab but I've kind of just leant on him and not been that much of a support back (and I can beat the batter to a pulp instead of all those people that have been p*ssing me off). tee hee xxx p.s. I am now officially going to be a slacker at work - you are right is not that important and I've been working too hard for far too long (hope my boss isn't listening in

Something to make you laugh...
Was gutted to need sanitary towels again after ERPC (thought had seen the last of them for a while) sent DH to Tesco for supplies and he came back with TENA pads...he thought I was crying in the toilet but was laughing but trying not to as hurt my tummy ha ha am still laughing now at the thought of it..he still maintains he got the right thing as they are very thick and comfy!

Oh god popsy you just made me snort in a most unladylike way! And I think I ruined my careful i'm-doing-work-honest facade by giggling at my computer. Work stinks anyway. Am off to eat some chocolate.