Miscarried 2 weeks ago advice please

[EllieG]

I had a missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago at 12 weeks. It was my first baby. I did a lot of crying after coming out of hospital and thought I was starting to feel stronger. I have just spent the weekend with my sister-in-law, who is pregnant and due the same day I would have been. Although I am so happy for her, since coming home I have felt so low and sad. I am even starting to resent my step-daughter (who is a lovely girl) for not being mine and feel I am withdrawing from her. I get these feelings of jealousy towards my partner because he has had a child and (I feel - irrationally) he will never be as hurt at losing this one as me. And now I feel that instead of being a family I am back to being a somewhat sub-standard Mummy-replacement for my step-daughter (her mother died 2 years ago). All these feelings are so stupid but I can't stop. I am so sad and angry all the time. At the weekend they started talking about how they were starting to feel their baby move, and I was so unhappy that I won't feel that.
When do I start to feel better? I just want this all to go away.

Ellie i find being a mum to my own dd[2] hard work so i think it is amasing that you are obviously doing such a good job with your sd. You will be an amasing mum to your own lucky child one day soon. Children are so honest and sometimes their comments do hurt but don't take it too hard.
nh101 i am sure you will be fine at bbq you are always such a positive person although i am sure you don't always feel it
Still no results!! Started having a bit of spotting yesturday and thought period was coming but it has stopped. I took it as a good sign because hcg levels can't be that high if period comes. Keep your fingers crossed for results soon ladies and for good news. Then maybe we will be on the ttc threads soon xx

I love MN it feels like getting a great big hug every time I read it.
Thanks all feel much better today, and generally feel much better all round since I first posted. The inital raw shock has gone, I find I just still feel sad and sore at times, but that will take time to go away and is natural, so I am not worrying about it. Hearing news of other people and keeping up with how you guys are doing is really helpful to me because it reminds me am not alone in feeling the things I do. (And that am not a complete mentalist!)
nhn101 - I'm sure you will be OK at the BBQ but if you're not, don't sit there feeling crappy, just leave. Have a contingency story worked out with your DH beforehand or whoever, and get yourself out of there and go and have some fun somewhere else. Life's too short and you need to look after yourself. Bear in mind that alcohol can also act as a depressant if you are feeling lousy so just leave the buggers if they are bringing you down.
Lovelylou - I was wondering how you were getting on and if you'd had your results yet. Spotting does sound like a good sign though - fingers crossed for you lady x

Ellie - good idea with the get-out plan. Will definitely do that. I have just been out for a walk during my lunch break and it is such a lovely day. I definitely think this time next year would be a good time to have a baby! I was thinking, 'If I could be PG now, would I want to be?' and I reckon only if I could have my other baby back. I don't want to be PG with another baby yet. I feel that would be disloyal to my other baby somehow! I still feel he/she is with me in some way and I still feel close to it. I will be ready to be PG again in June (and therefore a mum in March!).

I am ready now for people to stop mentioning the MC to me in RL. It was lovely at first that people were all so supportive and sympathetic but now I just want to get on with life. Sometimes I see people coming towards me and I think 'Don't mention the MC, I really don't want to talk about it". Only sometimes, other times I'm fine. That is what I fear at the BBQ cos there will be lots of people there I haven't seen since the MC. I think I will just have to just give the stock answer: "Yeah, we're fine, trying to be positive, looking forward to being PG again soon."

DH was out watching Liverpool last night and I was on MN. When he got home and we went to bed he asked: "Is there anything you feel you can't talk to me about?" I said No of course not and he said "It's just you've spent a lot of time on MN since the MC and I was worried that was because there were things you couldn't say to me." Bless. I told him we have moved on to talking about periods now so not to worry!

Lovelylou do you have children already? I don't remember you mentioning that...

Hi All, I had a good chat with the doctor today and feel much better. He thinks the migraines are linked to the infection which is linked to grieving etc. I just lept out of bed (quite gently actually as head still sore) and went out to get my prescription ( the chemist sells clarins makeup too yippee). Am back at home working at the table now instead of in bed and feel so much better. Also I spoke to 2 colleagues on the phone, one who had recurrent miscarriages (2 years constant) who is now mother to a 1 yr old and the other who had an MC at 5 months - and has a 3 year old. She also has loads of friends who have MC who now have babies - god makes you realise there is always soemone going thru worse - and if it gets that bad again for me in the future at least I know there will very likely be a baby at the end of it.
I also emailed my PG friend to thank her for the card which was perfectly written. She said my email brought a tear to her eye and that she had debated whether or not to send it as can so easily get it wrong. She is in for her 20 scan tomorrow - that felt like a shock as I almost expected her to be stuck at 17 weeks (like I am stuck at 13) but then I thought BLOODY HELL it is now 3 weeks since the scan and 2 weeks since the erpc - TIME IS MOVING ON LADIES!!!!
Three cheers for us and how brave and supportive we all are - I really couldn'thave done it without you all (and may still have a breakdown every now and again ;-} - mother in law Monday is most likely event)

Yes nh101 have dd her name is niamh and she will be two, two weeks today. She is going through her temper tantrums stage at the minute which is a distraction from my worries.

That's fab lovelylou. Does that mean that even if this PG was molar the next one might be completely fine as you have had a healthy PG before?

What is a molar PG?

See here

Thanks - god so many things that can go wrong is amazing any babies at all!I like reading about stuff makes me feel more proactive. I might buy a book (have stuffed my PG book at back of bookcase - may need it again but don't want to see it yet). I remember reasing the MC chapters and feeling really worried as said was so common - was wondering why they had given such a big section to it...little did i know

Popsy, what infection have you had. I have had a terrible headache today which is not like me (probably just a coincidence). Hope you are feeling better soon.

Yeah they told me that everything would be fine next time , will need to be monitored more closely. It was so much more of a shock because when pregnant with niamh was so easy and no complications, so i just assumed it would be just the same this time. Just goes to show you should never take it for granted.

cystitis combined with shitty migraine but have read up and migraine is my hormones dropping at last! Think is all interelated as am probably a bit run down. Looking out at garden while typing this - such a beautiful afternoon can't bring myself to be down . Is defo ice cream weather soon yippee

Oh I like reading all your posts they are so cheery. Am feeling v positive myself this morning the sun is shining and it's nearly easter and I have a WHOLE WEEK off work and am spending it with my SD doing girls things cos her Dad is working, and we are both excited. So life is quite good really. Boobs have gone back to normal size, which is rather sad though as was liking the PG cleavage.

Duh - sorry Popsy of course the cystitis. Maybe my headaches have been from the hormones dropping too. Good to know it is nothing major.

Great news Lovelylou. It's rubbish if you have to wait a year but at least then you have as much chance as any of us of having a normal PG. I'm so glad.

Looking forward to this weekend - Church tomoorow morning before lunch at PILs. Going to watch Man City tomorrow afternoon with DH and mum and dad, then out for a curry Fri night, staying at my parents then going for a nice walk Sat morning. Then picking up my nieces to take them to our house for a sleepover (lots of choccie eggs and the Shaggy Dog movie). Church on Sunday then my friend's BBQ. Chill on Monday!

And try not to eat and drink too much!

What are you guys up to?

Massive respect to you Ellie for being such a good SM to your SD. Hope you enjoy your girly weekend!

Why thank you. Am going to need extra-large hat now.
Sounds like a busy weekend you've got planned nh101 - have fun and be good to yourself.
Have lovely weekends all! Am personally going spend it eating my own weight in chocolate (which is no small amount fortunately).

I have had first good day back at work. Picked students up from airport and was not all all jealous that missed the Africa trip (even told boss that am unlikely to be involved in any big trips over the next couple of years as family circumstances may change at any minute)yikes!!!!!

Driving up north tomorrow (early), settling DH in pub with my sis then spending time with mum (she needs to fuss for a bit), then family friends over for dinner (mum always does big fish feast have begged not for oysters yuck), then big long walks at Dunston and Craster so I can think of my nan, then dragging DH out of pub for easter lunch and hunt (yes we still do one with clues), then in laws monday (every woman has her cross to bear ), then home for a week of chilling - actually taken holiday so am promising myself not to work but we'll see (the marking has stacked up [boo].

Have a good one ladies xxxx

I've been reading this thread for the last hour or so and indulging (like the woman who said she felt like she'd been eating mars bars!).

I can relate to so much that's being said here...the pain, the anger, the horror of it all. And, perhaps more importantly, the hope.

I had 3 mcs before my DD was born 6 years ago. I had another MC around 18 months ago and I thought it wouldn't hit too hard, with having a child already, but it did. Losing a baby will always be losing a baby, no matter what stage it was at or what situation you were in. And I think you're always entitled to grieve...even if it was years ago.

I'm like the husband who doesn't remember the due date for his lost child. I don't remember the dates of any of mine. It helps...though I still feel sad occasionally and realise that it ties in roughly with one of the four due dates. I don't think you ever forget on a subconscious level...and why should you??

For you new parents to be, I wish you luck with your future pregnancies. It isn't always the case that 1 MC automatically means there'll be more, so take heart. If you are unlucky enough to be a multiple MC person (like myself!) you can still get lucky. My DD is currently going through a cheeky phase and driving me nuts...but I love her more than I can say and feel totally blessed to have her.

Take care of yourselves and good luck with the next PGs.

Hi Ellie so sorry to read of your loss. Not read the entire thread but just wanted to say that I had a mc in Jan o6 at 12 weeks and my boss at work who sat next to me was due the same date as I would have been - she and only a few others at work knew of my pg. I found it very difficult seeing her growing bump every day and found it esp difficult when her baby was due - fortunately though I was lucky enough to be pg again by the time my due date came round which I must admit helped take my mind off the baby I lost. There is hope - it does get easier. I know your not thinking this at the moment but you will fall pg again and it will work out for you - I gave birth to a healthy dd2 7 weeks ago.

That's lovely to hear landsmum and squilly, thank you for posting - is nice to hear about people going on to have healthy babies after MC, makes me feel much more hopeful of positive things to come. Congratulations on your very new little one landsmum too xxx

Agree totally with Ellie - it is good to hear others' tales of MC then successful PGs. Thanks for posting.

How was everyone's weekend then? I've had a fab one - great night out with DH and my parents on Friday (v. drunk), babysiting for nieces (10 and 8) on Saturday (an absolute pleasure), BBQ Sunday (v.drunk again) and chill-out yesterday. Back at work now - boo!

Seeing the PG hairdresser was absolutely fine. I felt sorry for her actually cos everyone was getting smashed (including her husband). I would have gone home if I were her but she very dutifully waited till 11 and drove him home. I told her DH to give up drinking for six weeks to get a taste of what it is like to be PG and he looked at me like I had gone mad! I think the PG friend was a bit unaware of how to act around me cos she kind of ignored me at first but I just went straight up to her and started asking her about her 16-week appt with the MW and how everything was going. She had texted me after my MC and I text back to say thanks and see you soon but she never received my reply so it is no surprise she was a bit funny with me at first - she just didn't want to be insensitive I am sure.

There were loads of kids and babies there and I just looked at them all with their harrassed parents running around after them and I thought: Thank goodness that's not me!!! That is such a bad thing to think I know cos that will be me soon (hopefully) but I was glad at that moment that I could just enjoy myself without worrying about looking after any children!

Hi I'm back - very very long weekend! Sat on sofa with cat very pleased that booked this week off as hols ages ago (thought would be maternity shopping with my mum but there we are).
nh101 know what you mean about the kids thing - was a real screamer at my mums over the weekend and I just thought "there but for the grace of god..." maybe is just our coping mechanism? The hubby asked when we were going to have kids and I just said "oh I don't know" - VERY BRAVE . Mum kept trying to corner me for a "chat" but managed to come away unscathed (apart from raging drinking habit that has returned ). MIL was harder and asked loads of annoying q's - apparently she and her DH have been going thru a form of PND LOL! But then she has always has socila tourettes so am used to it now!

Am at home all week so may try to do some positive things to take my mind off the fact that ave to wait for AF before can get at it again and even then DH is not as keen as last time grrrrrrr .

Hope you all had good ones

p.s. Thanks to ladies for posts on success stories - I live for them!!!

Hi Popsy, enjoy your week off! I also thought my reaction to all those kids was maybe a coping mechanism. Probably a bit of both - fear and coping!

Is your mum definitely not a help? It seems a shame you can't discuss it with her. But you seem to be doing OK anyway so whatever works.

Is MIL with PND because of your miscarriage?

Hi nh101 yes - amazing isn't it - i mean i am sure she is gutted but PND?
I had a nice day yesterday and DH said is first day that hasn't been mainly about MC or work stress in ages. I realised you have the right attitude! Will be another whole load of stress when PG again (more than last one god forbid) so maybe wishing it so soon is a bad idea? I have been stressing wanting to get PG before my friends have theirs babies and before my due date but i think that just makes me feel worse - have to reprogram brain to look forward to new baby that is not a replacement for last one - i remember you saying this in an earlier posting and i didn't get it...oh well at least am there now (almost )