Miscarried 2 weeks ago advice please

[EllieG]

I had a missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago at 12 weeks. It was my first baby. I did a lot of crying after coming out of hospital and thought I was starting to feel stronger. I have just spent the weekend with my sister-in-law, who is pregnant and due the same day I would have been. Although I am so happy for her, since coming home I have felt so low and sad. I am even starting to resent my step-daughter (who is a lovely girl) for not being mine and feel I am withdrawing from her. I get these feelings of jealousy towards my partner because he has had a child and (I feel - irrationally) he will never be as hurt at losing this one as me. And now I feel that instead of being a family I am back to being a somewhat sub-standard Mummy-replacement for my step-daughter (her mother died 2 years ago). All these feelings are so stupid but I can't stop. I am so sad and angry all the time. At the weekend they started talking about how they were starting to feel their baby move, and I was so unhappy that I won't feel that.
When do I start to feel better? I just want this all to go away.

Oh and I'm glad you found MN useful. It was an immense comfort to me straight after my miscarriage and still is.

Ellie how many weeks were you when you mc'd? I had a scan at 10 weeks and the pic was of a definite baby, so I am sure your pic will not be 'just a blob'. Don't let them make you feel stupid - they can be so insensitive it just makes me want to scream.

Welcome Popsy, so glad MN is helping. It is helping me loads too. I am still off work after mc last Wed and using my DH's laptop, which he takes to work with him so when he gets home I race onto it to check in with everyone else.

I have had a crap day today. I can't face going into work but then can't face daytime TV either! With DH and all local family/friends at work it is rubbish just sat with my own thoughts. I went out for a walk which lifted my spirits but then sat moping. I have sisters and friends who are mums at home and I know they are there for me but I didn't really want to ring any of them in case I disturbed them or something. I thought I'll wait for someone to ring me but of course everyone is letting me be and have told me to ring if I need them so I just should. My friend texted me so I rang her and had a cry. she was great, saying it's Ok to be sad. But I said I don't want to be sad! I want to be OK again, but I suppose that is too much to expect. I felt so much better after I spoke to her anyway. I went out for another walk, went for a coffee in the village and read the papers. Then I went to New Look and bought some nice new tops. I am still half a stone heavier than I was before PG and I am going to try to lose a few pounds but with all the fashion for floaty tops at the mo I just bought a load of those so it doesn't matter if I don't lose weight! And they will be good for the first few months of my next pregnancy. I was beginning to grow out of almost everything I already had.

Popsy, I too feel that I 'knew' it wasn't going to work out. As soon as I found out I was PG I told everyone but had a nagging feeling about it (don't regret it tho as I reached 13 weeks so would have told everyone anyway). I didn't have bad MS and then got a really bad cold at 10 weeks (baby died at 10+4) and felt great after the cold went away. i just thought I was 'blooming' when actually I'd mc'd. But I am sure it is normal to think it isn't going to work out cos it is so common to mc and you are obviously petirifed of it happening.

So sorry to hear you had a bad time in hospital. There really should be better care for people in this horrendous situation.

I also felt really sad to think other people were sad for me. I am sure your family just want what is best for you, but if it feels better not to talk to them, then don't. They will understand. Be self-indulgent for a while, you've been through a lot so you've earned it.

I have also been upset thinking of plans we had for the baby etc - maybe you could make new plans to do things you wouldn't have done if you'd still been PG. A weekend away or something?

It is so hard having PG friends, I have two but thankfully they don't live near me. In fact I have another but she is due in june so it doesn't feel so raw. The other two are due same time I was which is hard.

Don't think about this happening to you again because it probably won't. You have a 75% chance of having a normal PG next time, that is good odds! And I think once your body has had a 'practice', next time it will do it better! I firmly believe that my mc has prepared my body for my next PG.

I am sure your DH can be talked around, just leave it till you have your period and by then the feelings won't be so raw. I am sure he will be ready to try again by then. Just don't push it in the meantime.

We are definitely all here for you. MN is keeping me sane too xxx

Loving the TENA story - bless him

You're right about making plans nh101 - I went and booked a holiday on sat with some of the money we were saving for baby, so we all have something lovely to look forward to this summer. And my SD is really excited about it, which is nice. Is good to get excited about something. Had really down day yesterday after the call to the hospital but the sun is shining today and I feel a bit better...

Hi, have been saving up coming back to MN as is like getting a big hug from people who can read your mind! I took the day off today and am probbly not going in for the rest of the week. I just woke up this morning and thought "why bother?" Add to that the fact that I burst into tears at the strangest moments. Poor mum sent me a book of chocolate recipes in the post which I threw down and ran away from sobbing - flowers and gifts are so well meant but feel like inadequate replacements for the baby I don't have- and they are bloody everywhere in the house.

EllieG Glad you have booked a break - think we need one of those too - we have a couple of weddings coming up in the summer that I was supposed to be "blooming" in so I need to do something fab before then. However, we are instead off to see both sets of inlaws...promises to be fun fun fun . DH was just pleased that my Mum had suggested that I MC due to working too hard before his Mum has - JOY!

nh101 - I went for a long walk yesterday too was a bit deja vu as this time last year I was walking the river Lea to get over my dad dieing argh. Anyway, I stopped at Nero for a drink and DH joined me for a slab of cheescake in the sun...small pleasures.

Don't think persuading DH to get back on the ttc wagon again is going to be too hard after a month of no go (bless him).

I know what you mean about the weight - I thought I was doing really well when pregnant but there is that half stone of "oh go on then I am eating for 2 now - even though all the books say don't". It was cute before but now just seems a cruel reminder of that happy time. I have smock tops too - just dreading the day when someone congratulates me on the baby ha ha.
Have just scoffed a mocha magnum while writing this (yes they are LUSH!).So I can't be that bothered by the bulge .Anyway - onwards and upwards - I'm off to get my hair done - will probably return to this thread in tears with spiky pink hair and an appointment for new plastic boobs to replace the hormonal puppies I have been borrowing for a while (oh god I'm going to miss them)

You're right about the smock tops Popsy - when I was pg people were asking me when was due and rubbing tummy etc, and had only put on about 4 pounds. Think am naturally a bit fat, which is irksome when have to start thinking about dieting/exercise again.
Know what you mean about the gifts - my house was full of flowers after and I hated them all. People were very kind, and I wasn't ungracious but I didn't like having more things that died. My friends sent me an orchid because they wanted me to have something that bloomed for ages bless 'em.
Take care of yourself chicken - book something fun other than the mother visits maybe? A haircut is a good start. I joined a gym last week to get back some semblence of a figure (not that there ever was much of one).

Hi EllieG I really want to go to the gym too but am bleeding alot at night still and wonder if it is because I have been going for walks in the evening (I would have thought it would slow down at night?). I'm also really missing my swimming but have a feeling the chlorine won't be too good? I wanted to ring the hospital and ask them what I can/can't do as sitting around at home on my arse is killing me but I think they might only be expecting calls about serious stuff . Not so sunny today - amazing how the weather effects your mood isn't it?

Hi everyone. How are you all. I am feeling a bit better today, just tired.
Know what you mean about the weight thing, i only put four pounds on but it is really bugging me. I just don't have the will power to do anything about it. I wish i was one of those people who lost weight when stressed but i am a comfort eater. Trying to pick at fruit instead of chocolate but finding it really hard.
Still no results from hospital, driving me mad waiting

Hi nh101. How are you x

Popsy - hospital told me to take it easy until I stopped bleeding and defo no swimming until any discharge had stopped as there is a risk of infection. Light exercise fine but be guided by how your body is feeling and don't try to do too much right now.
Lovelylou - sending you some hugs while you wait x

Can I ask for some advice please? It's 2 years tomorrow since my DP's wife died after being ill with cancer for about 3 years. Obviously it was a horribly traumatic time for him, and he is a bit down. I am trying really hard to be supportive but am finding (not out loud, thank goodness)that I am reacting in really irrational ways. When he told me he was feeling down last night I said all the right things but inside I was just feeling weirdly unhappy and jealous almost that he doesn't seem this down about our baby dying. I know logically it's not the same as a person you know, and that even though they had a difficult marriage it was still the mother of his child and he must miss her and he didn't really know our baby etc, but the irrational part of my brain (which is REALLY big at the moment!) was just going 'but what about my baby! Why aren't you as sad about him?' I asked him if he could remember the date that our baby died and he couldn't, but he remembers the date she did. Which I am not blaming him for as is only natural but I cannot go 5 minutes without thinking about my little one and he seems to be moving on and isn't as sad about it as me. Oh I don't know. I'm such a cow at the moment. I rung my sister and had a cry and I felt a bit better. If it wasn't for knowing there's people feeling the same way as me on MN I would feel very alone sometimes. I feel like everyone's forgetting it and I'm still hurting.

Ellie - I can understand why you feel like this, but I can also understand why the death of his wife (two years is not so long ago!) would eclipse the grief of the m/c. Although I will always grieve for my lost babies, I know that if anything happened to dh, I would feel it so much more.

Dh felt the loss of our babies keenly, but couldn't tell you the dates on which the m/c happened whereas they are engraved in my memory. I think a woman is always going to feel the effects of a m/c more strongly because it happens to us and our bodies.

Thanks Mumpbump - I know I am being unreasonable feeling this way, and usually I am very supportive (and am being now, moaning is only happening internally). I know I am also probably expecting too much of him to feel exactly the same way I do about my little one, as it was physically more to do with me, and I am still choc-full of hormones making me go a bit doo-lally.
I hate being horrid. I know, I really DO know, that how he is feeling is entirely natural and OK and I feel like such a moaning twat for being so horrid about it in my head. Feel like am drowning in self-pity now so will stop.

You're not being horrid. Just human. Losing your baby is a huge, huge thing and it is natural that you want your dp to feel it in the same way as you so you don't feel alone. But you're not alone as there are (sadly) lots of us here who know exactly how you are feeling...

Thanks xxx

Hi girls

It's a week ago today since I found out this baby died, and after the initial shock I find myself not feeling very much. I kind of wish I could find a 'trigger' to set off a damn good cry, but I just feel all detached and exhausted.

My mum, trying to be helpful, keeps asking what I'm going to do now - adopt? If so from where? IVF? How am I going to pay for it? Accept child-lessness? Etc etc. I just don't know anything at the moment. The only thing that keeps me going is hoping that because I conceive so easily (four times in two years), one day it will all work out. But this was supposed to be the time it all worked out... what with my magic steroids, and all...

Herby - I suspect it will come out in the end. It took a month after my last m/c before I had a really good howling fit and started to grieve properly. Can you politely ask your mum to give you a break? Sounds like cross-examination and I wouldn't have thought you'd need that right now... As you say, 4 pg's in two years is hopeful. Hoping to see you on the pg after m/c thread again in the not too distant future.

EllieG my Dad died this time last year. Grieving for this baby has felt really similar. DH was rubbish when my dad died (didn't feel connected to it) but has been great now although I think his concern is more for my health than for the baby we lost. I think this is because mens brains are different to ours - last year I felt so angry at him for not understanding how I felt about my dad or for not knowing when I felt down. Looking back I know it was not his fault - he just isn't programmed in the way I am. I find that I have to spell it out very clearly when I am feling crap and tell him exactly why or he misses it or thinks I am just being over emotional. I read a really good book called the emotional tool kit which helped me understand when and why I feel bad and how to deal with it without getting massively stressed. I also talked to a great counsellor and even now I think to myself.."what would Brenda say about".... Ha ha I probably seem mad but I think it hs definitely helped with this situation (although of course I would have preferred not to have 2 bad things happen in a year)
lovelylou I think chocolate is probably medicinal at this stage (or so I tell myself).

Hi all, I didn't check in yesterday cos I was at my sister's for lunch and then me and DH went out for dinner: lovely meal and a bottle of wine - I am taking great comfort in being able to enjoy having a few drinks again. In fact, I have just enjoyed another glass! I didn't have anything to drink on Monday cos I wanted to 'prove' to myself I wasn't using alcohol as some sort of crutch. I succeeded without any trouble so now I am partaking as and when I feel like it! I was always so bothered about my weight before PG that I never enjoyed a glass of wine during the week, but now I just don't care! There is more to life as I have realised.

Nodding my head in agreement at saying MN is like where people can read your mind! I also have loads of flowers round the house which have been lovely but I hate flowers usually cos they die and I can never be bothered to throw them away before they look terrible. They haven't died yet anyway. Also I got some nice bulb flowers in a basket from my friends at work which can be planted in the garden so we are going to do that at the weekend as a reminder of our baby.

It is a week today since we found out our baby died and I feel like I am getting back on my feet. We got PG really quick, first month of trying and I was cramming in loads of fun nights out at Christmas knowing that we might be PG in the New Year. We were, and I'd said goodbye to raucous nights out and was very happy to do that and reallt wanted this baby, but now I feel like I have been given a couple more months of frivolous fun before getting PG again and having to be good again. We really want a baby but know how much it is going to change our lives, so we are enjoying it being just us two for a while longer.

I am even thinking I might not try again until after I've had two periods. I could have a period in three weeks and my body has been through such a lot that I don't think I can handle the thought of being PG again so soon with all the worry that will undoubtedly entail. Give me three weeks though and I will probably be desperate to be PG again! Maybe there are a few hormones still hanging around my body making me feel good.

Ellie, so glad you have booked your holiday - have a shopping trip too! I think you are handling the problem with your DH really well. There is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better about it, I think it is just about giving yourself time.

LOL lovelylou, I also sometimes wish I couldn't eat when I got stressed - it's the opposite unfortunately. I only put onb 4lbs while Pg, other 3lbs was in the four days following the MC!

Herbaceaus, hope you are feeling better about your mum, she is just trying to help.

Last day before going back to work tomorrow. Hope you are all feeling a little bit better and remember, we are all one day nearer to being PG again!

Thanks nh101 is good to have a reminder to be positive about these things.
Had a really good chat with DP last night and explained how I was feeling about a lot of stuff and he was really great once I'd spelled it out - I think you're right popsy!
So I feel a lot clearer today and a bot more positive. Plus the hospital have sent me one of the scan pictures, with a nice note, and I really like having it. Even though it does look a little bit like a blob, I like to think I can tell head from body etc.

Hi ladies, nh101- I am in exactly the same boat - am half wanting to get started asap but other half of me thinks of what we have just been through and doesn't want to put myself through it again so soon - have been totally focussed on PG since new year and does make you realise tht once it is happenning EVERYTHING changes - I like your idea of waiting (but bet we are both at it as soon as the next period arrives

Ellieg - glad you got that off your chest - I best your dh is is too! Mine is having a rubbish time at work - was nice to concentrate on him last night instead of me for once!
Off to do some serious retail therapy now have a fab day everyone

I am going back to work tomorrow - boo! I quite like not working, unfortunately I also like having a roof over my head.

Hope everyone is feeling good today. I am feeling so grateful as I have realised what a wonderful DH and family I have. They have helped me so much over the past week.

Keep smiling ladies, we'll be waddling about cursing our PGs soon enough! And until then we are eating as much soft cheese, mayo and drinking as much wine as we can (well I am)!

Isn't it nice to think that we might all meet again on PG threads? Am going to work on having a PMA day today!

Hi all. I am also enjoying wine, perhaps a little too much!!!
Had first day back at work today. Wasn't too bad. I have had a few people who pretend not to see me so they don't have to speak. I just want to say thanks guys that makes me feel so much better. Why do some people react like that, its so strange.
I hope i have a choice as to when we start trying again although i would still give mysef a couple of months of wine first i think.
Hope you are all well x x

I'm also enjoying the wine! Am having shellfish for tea tonight and then possibly some not lovely french forbidden to PG people cheese. May as well make the most of it eh?