Miscarried 2 weeks ago advice please

[EllieG]

I had a missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago at 12 weeks. It was my first baby. I did a lot of crying after coming out of hospital and thought I was starting to feel stronger. I have just spent the weekend with my sister-in-law, who is pregnant and due the same day I would have been. Although I am so happy for her, since coming home I have felt so low and sad. I am even starting to resent my step-daughter (who is a lovely girl) for not being mine and feel I am withdrawing from her. I get these feelings of jealousy towards my partner because he has had a child and (I feel - irrationally) he will never be as hurt at losing this one as me. And now I feel that instead of being a family I am back to being a somewhat sub-standard Mummy-replacement for my step-daughter (her mother died 2 years ago). All these feelings are so stupid but I can't stop. I am so sad and angry all the time. At the weekend they started talking about how they were starting to feel their baby move, and I was so unhappy that I won't feel that.
When do I start to feel better? I just want this all to go away.

Herby I don't think you can underestimate the effects of a m/c... I heard that my colleague's dp miscarried last Thursday - missed m/c picked up at the 12 week scan - and I've been feeling really down since. I just feel so sad for them and somehow having it happen to someone I know in RL has brought it flooding back. Plus you might still have the pg hormones coursing around your body...

Before I found out I was pg this time around, I really thought I was starting to lose my mind because my emotions were so all over the place. I was desperate to fall pg and terrified of it at the same time. My mind set swung wildly from trying to resign myself to never having another child to thinking that if we just kept going, sooner or later we'd have to have a successful pg. I think extremity of emotions is all part of the course, unfortunately. You just have to hold on tight to the belief that it will be okay in the end...

Mumpbump, that is such a nice positive message. Gives us all lots of hope for the future.

Herby, that is tough getting your invoice. Big hugs to you. There will be a next time, you have to believe it. Glad to hear your friends were there for you. Take comfort in the little things as best you can - gardening included! I am even getting pleasure from crossing the road without thinking too much about it. When PG I was always certain some maniac would come speeding along and kill my baby. Now I cross like a normal person. Duh.

Lovelylou, big hugs to you too waiting for those results. You are so young in a way you are lucky to be finding this out now. Also your age means it is less likely to be molar, doesn't it? What made them think it was anyway?

I am also going out tonight for dinner with DH - we call it date night cos other nights of the week we can be like ships that pass in the night as he is always busy at work and I work late one night a week. Date night is usually Tuesdays but Liverpool are playing PSV tomorrow so of course DH will be watching that so we are going out tonight instead.

Popsy: AF = auntie flo (period) Dumb, eh? Don't know about balls of steel, what one says is not always what one does! We shall see. But I have lots of getting pissed to do over the next few weeks (two birthday parties, seeing Lionel Richie in concert and going on holiday). After that I'll be ready to be PG again.

I am glad you like my positivity, sometimes I wonder whether it is insensitive to others who may not be feeling so good but I know when I feel down and I read positive messages from you guys it makes me feel better so hopefully I can do the same.

I also wished my boobs would stay big but actually it feels nice to get my old body back. I'd better get used to it cos I'll be big and fat soon (hopefully) and then I'll never look nice naked again! Keep digging into the chocs - go for nice walks too and burn the calories off while getting high off this lovely weather.

I am also very up and down like others say one minute it is like 'Who cares? I'm having a ball anyway' and the next it is 'I can't believe it is so unfair I want a baby NOW!' I am sure your DH understand although I feel sorry for men cos they have such logical minds they just don't know what to do with a crying woman. They just want to fix it and they can't.

You won't be waiting years! I also was looking forward to a break from work and am even thinking I might ask if I can work from home two days a week. I don't think I'll get anywhere but if you don't ask... After being at home after my MC it has made me realise what a drag my job is and how tired it makes me (sitting a computer screen for seven hours and driving an hour each way for the privilege).

Ha ha nh101 - I also got scared crossing the road - you make me laugh!!
DH just skyped me to tell me to go home and have some brownies...who am I to argue. He also thinks my hormones making me blue (when did men get so in touch with their feminine sides -do wonder if he reads these things when have written about him arghhhh). I told him he should be sorry if is the drop in hormones as the puppies will be deflating with them...how to kick a man while he's down? (I felt better immediately though )

You're lucky to have such a great DH - enjoy the brownies. Yum!

Hi nh101, you always make me laugh. I look forward to your messages. The scan made them think it was molar, no baby to be seen. That worries me because i suppose they know what they are looking for. I had blood tests about three weeks before scan and nobody got back to me to say my hcg levels were to high and i was not sick or anything so i keep trying to be positive and thinking well even doctors get things wrong sometimes, don't they? With any luck we will all be on the same pg thread soon having lovely easy pregnancies.

Hey all - had to go home yesterday cos went to the loo and saw period had come and promptly burst into tears all over my boss. Oh dear. And there was I thinking I was feeling all better...
I think I was subconciously hoping that my period wouldn't come and I'd still be PG. Silly girl.
Nice to read similar things from you guys though - is good to know am not alone in my madness! Popsy - I know what you mean about the rest of the world moving on - hang on in their girl, we'll catch up with them all in our own time x

Ellie - I was wondering when we'd get our periods! It's like being back at high school. I know what you mean about hoping you were still PG, I was thinking when they did the D&C they might realise they had made a terrible mistake. Sadly not.

I am kind of looking forward to my period. How do you feel about it now? Are you trying again yet?

Lovelylou, keep hoping - I agree it doesn't sound molar cos they would be able to see something there surely. If there was nothing there maybe the baby just didn't grow? Is it worth giving the hospital a ring to see if they know when the results will come through?

In the meantime, check out me and my DH on my page!

I was told 4-6 weeks after the op, and has been 4, so was about right. I am really wanting to try again but DP wants to wait until next year as this baby wasn't planned and really, we didn't have enough money and needed to move house etc etc. But I am sooooo wanting to try again. Though scared to all the same. I think I might get him drunk on hol and jump him whilst he's unawares
I have checked you out nh101 - you look like a lovely happy couple x

We are happy. DH is great. I'd be happy if we were never able to have kids - and think how much money we'd have! But hopefully it won't come to that. I'll have three of the blighters before I know it.

Have any of you tried ovulation sticks? I am kind of tempted but then think I didn't use them before and I am trying to do everything exactly the same as when we got PG this time in case I jinx us getting PG again. I think maybe if you know when you ovulate maybe you get yourself too stressed or have sex too much (if that's possible - I think you have quality control issues when you have sex too much!)

Ellie, tell DH there is never a good time financially to have a baby - you are either blessed or not and it will all work out for the best anyway. My mum moved house (a thousand miles from Canberra to Brisbane) with two children and eight months PG with me. I really hope he can be talked round. x

I hope so too. I think I will just keep casually mentioning the subject til he caves

Afternoon ladies, just woken up after longest sleep ever. Got cystitis yesterday which on top of all the crying totally knocked me out. I don't think I have slept this long since I was a teenager!

nh101 - love the long blonde hair - lucky lady!I am going to put my details on now - don't think have any fab photos on my laptop though hmmmm.

Glad to hear your period came Ellie - I have been fretting that it will be months (you read other peoples postings and then think the same will happen to you). I am takng it as a sign tht mine will come by the end of April. To be honest would be better for us all to be PG June/July so we can have ML over the summer instead of the winter

I also have my friends wedding in Prague on 1st June but would rather be PG than able to get ratted ho hum.

When I had my erpc i was obsessed that they should check again as I could not believe that they could be sure it was dead after 30 seconds of sweeping a probe over my belly. I saw the surgeon walk past when I was in recovery and he gave me a guilty look - I started thinking that they had sucked out a live foetus but were too ashamed to tell me (god - I can only tell you lot this s I know is totally insane!).

I am feeling quite rough today - headachy and groggy (too much sleep ha ha) but think may be my hormones changing at last?

LOL Popsy about the surgeon!

My hair still desperately needs a cut and colour. I think I can face my PG hairdresser now so will have to make an appointment. It will be a real test of my feelings. I do feel jealous of her because I am not that close to her and think it is unfair that she is having a baby when I am not. My other PG friend is one of my best, oldest friends and I am really happy she is having a baby. She lives in London though so I don't see her that often. I don't think that would make a difference though. I have invited her to my birthday party - she will be about 24 weeks gone then but I don't mind. I'll be getting pissed while she will not! I'm not inviting my hairdresser though .

i just got a card from my 18wks pg friend. she always says the right thing -amazingly.our other friend is about to drop. think may go see her with dh instead as may be a bit much to spend day with new baby and pg friend? no capitals here as cat wants to sit on my kneeso lap top squeezeddown side of sofa andtyping one handed- feel like something out of a french and saunders sketch - just need a crocheted cardy - hey that could be my new hobby!supposed to be marking work but ER on in 3 mins....

Love ER! Is it one of the old ones?

its the one where romano takes over the ER after losing his arm and gives everyone shit - very funny.Can't concentrate bloody head ache - going to submit to painkillers hozzy gave me and wait it out!

Cystitis is awful - i used to get it a lot when I was a teenager. Drinking plenty of water used to help me as it meant it stung a lot less when I went to the loo.

As for spending time with new babies - my sister had a baby three weeks ago and it hasn't bothered me in the slightest. I love the baby to bits. Maybe it is different as my sis was expecting long before I got PG so it is not linked somehow to my PG and MC. And I think it is similar to what I was saying about my PG friends - when it is someone close to you you don't mind but when it someone you don't even like that much (and SILs count - if either of my SILs got PG I'd be gutted) then it is very hard to accept that they have a baby when you don't.

I think you might be surprised at your reaction when you do go see your friend. You are stronger than you think.

Loved Dr Romano - so funny when he got killed by the helicopter and no one even realised he was under there!

I always get cystitus drink loads of cranberry juice, always helps me. I got really bad thrush when was PG and used a pessary cos cream wasn't working and have been torturing self with thought that might have made me misscarry for the last couple of days. Silly silly me.
That said - do you think it might have had an effect? I asked my gp and she said would be OK but I am still worried.

still feel rubbish- going to docs asap - hve to wait for her to call me grrrr nhs
don't think pessary bad unless cervix was compromised?

If GP said it was OK then I wouldn't worry. It's normal to think things you did contributed to it but there is no way of knowing. I have been looking into the flying thing and it seems you'd have to fly A LOT to radiate your baby enough to kill it. Also having worried about protein and all sorts I have begun to accept that my little one just wasn't right and nothing I could have done could have saved him. He just gave up

Oh dear my SD told me last night (in the middle of lovely cosy girls time just the two of us) that 'no offence' but I would never, ever be as good as her Mummy. That her Mummy was a 10 and I wouldn't even be a 9 or an 8. She is only little (8) and her mum died a couple of years ago. Poor little mite copes with it so well but likes to talk to me rather than her Dad about her Mummy because she says that I am good at talking. We get on really well and I am very lucky in that. I am glad she feels comfortable with me and I gave her a big hug and said I wasn't trying to replace her but be myself and that it was a different role. And she went to bed feeling fine and loved and not insecure, which was good.
I on the other hand went to bed and cried like a baby because in my irrational brain I felt like I was never going to be a mum not ever and that no children wanted me.
Talked to DP about it and he was lovely though. Sorry for moaning I know I am being irrational.

kids always seem to tell thr truth don't they - even when you don't want them to.. Is really great that she feels able to talk to you though - i reckon a good cry in private is the best thing. Last time i took my nephew out with my friends (they each have 2 kids) he asked (very loudly) "Where are your children Aunty Rachel?" I nearly died on the spot

Yeah I seem to cry at most things these days - pictures of sad kittens, yellow pages ads etc - so it doesn't really bother me anymore.

EllieG - you're not being irrational at all. It is totally understandable that such an innocent comment like that from a child would hurt you. The grieving process is much longer than we realise, and it is absoultely normla to feel like you're never going to be a good enough mom. I had those feelings. I lost my first baby 2 years ago this week, then shortly after went on to miscarry my 2nd. We tried and tried for 6 months after that and finlly we have a gorgeous little boy.
Nobody knows why these things happen, and its certainly not fair. but you won't get over it quickly. Give yourself time, and don't feel bad for being upset about anything, you mind and body have been through so much. It still hurts now for me, i often think of my two unborn angels.

Your SD sounds like a very brave and lucky girl, to have such a wonderful bond with you after all that has happened in her life.

One day you'll be having mother daughter/son time with your own little one.

Ellie I think it is amazing that you are stepmum to another person's child, and even more amazing that she likes you at all! And totally understandable for her to evoke all sorts of emotions in you right now. It must be very hard as it is difficult for us just to see other women with babies/PG - you have to live with that too. Sometimes it helps to have a good cry. And don't feel like you're moaning - that's what we are here for!

I was thinking of you yesterday, and was going to ask how you feel now compared to two weeks ago when you first posted? You have kind of answered I suppose but hopefully you are feeling a little better?

Hi diddle, it is so good to hear the stories of other women who have been through MCs and now have kids. It keeps our spirits up.

How is everyone else today? I have just been invited to a BBQ on Sunday where my PG hairdresser friend will be. Can I handle it? It is a party for one of my best friends so I will definitely try to go - just hope I don't get upset after a few glasses of wine. I will just try to feel happy that I am having a good time when had I still been PG it probably would have got very boring after a couple of hours or so! Take comfort in the little things...