Miscarried 2 weeks ago advice please

[EllieG]

I had a missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago at 12 weeks. It was my first baby. I did a lot of crying after coming out of hospital and thought I was starting to feel stronger. I have just spent the weekend with my sister-in-law, who is pregnant and due the same day I would have been. Although I am so happy for her, since coming home I have felt so low and sad. I am even starting to resent my step-daughter (who is a lovely girl) for not being mine and feel I am withdrawing from her. I get these feelings of jealousy towards my partner because he has had a child and (I feel - irrationally) he will never be as hurt at losing this one as me. And now I feel that instead of being a family I am back to being a somewhat sub-standard Mummy-replacement for my step-daughter (her mother died 2 years ago). All these feelings are so stupid but I can't stop. I am so sad and angry all the time. At the weekend they started talking about how they were starting to feel their baby move, and I was so unhappy that I won't feel that.
When do I start to feel better? I just want this all to go away.

Oops typo - supposed to be 'lovely cheese' not 'not lovely cheese' as that makes no sense.

I'm back at work now, but can't concentrate on anything. Although it's only been a week since my ERPC, it feels like an age ago, yet that it hasn't really sunk in and the worst is yet to come. One strong feeling I do have is of 'missing' Buster (our name for the baby), who felt like a companion and little soul already with me.

It's also around the time the baby I miscarried in September would have been born, and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to be a biological mother.

Have arranged a big lunch with my bestest pals tomorrow, which no doubt I'll enjoy, as I'm very good at putting a brave face on things. Sometimes I wonder if that's the best policy, but I can't seem to be any other way.

Morning ladies, my best friend is coming for lunch today - am running round like a blue arsed fly - quite nervous for some reason?
herbaceous is a week since my erpc today too - god when I look back at that day I can't believe how awful it was. Is amazing how time heals though. I feel more positive each day and more like the old person I was before we got into this baby making lark. It really does change everything doesn't it?

I'm also thinking of going out tonight - going to have to see people at some point and probably best not first time on Monday at work ughhh.I also went to the gym today - had to drag myself out of bed but am determined to get back to my old self again (was knackered of course but at least can eat brownies I made with a bit less guilt )

Herby - I think putting on a brave face is sometimes the best way to keep going. I found that the last m/c only hit me after Christmas when I wasn't rushing around all the time.

The baby I lost in September was also, I think, due in March (wasn't sure of dates) so I can imagine how you might be feeling... Lunch with close friends sounds like a good way to go - hope you have a good time...

Best of luck with work herby - I found that the first week was OK as I was pushing myself really hard, but the second week was when I actually crashed as it all seemed much more tiring and real. Am getting back in the swing of things now though am glad is nearly easter and have a few days off coming up.
Have nice lunches ladies x

I've just been out to lunch too with my work friends, first day back and all that. Feeling quite tired now though (even though I stayed away from the wine!).

Might have a couple of drinks tonight and a big blowout tomorrow as it is a family dinner with my DH's family who are legendary drinkers. Nights with them just weren't the same when I was PG.

Felt a bit rubbish last night, thinking that getting drunk although enjoyable is not as good as having a baby and after saying the other day that I would like to wait a bit before trying again, last night I just wanted to be PG again!

Not now though, am hoping my period doesn't come till May 1 cos that is when I'd like to start trying again. If it comes before then I will wait another month, but May 1 at earliest. We have a holiday booked for June 1 and we went to Egypt when I was seven weeks PG in Feb and I can't help feeling the radiation (in the aeroplane) can't have been good for the baby. So I want to get the hol over with before being very PG (I am also half-convinced that not eating enough protein killed the baby cos I was always worried about that and when I totted up each day I never seemed to get near 60g) Obviously i know these things were probably nothing to do with my MC but I can't say them in the real world cos people just try to shut me up, so I am telling you guys!

Oh nh101, nothing you did made this happen. Although i know how you feel, i have thought silly things like maybe it is because i work part time in a pub. Nobody knows why they happen or they would stop it. It just feels really unfair when it happens to you. Go and get yourself hammered tonight, it probably won't help but it will be fun.
I have had another cry this afternoon. I had put a deposit on a pram which i cancelled last week and got my money back but then i noticed they had took the money out of my account today. When i rang up the man told me someone has rang up and said they were me, told them my adress and everything and asked to come and pick up the pram. The man had said that ihad lost the baby and she told him that he was wrong. This evil witch was going to take the pram and leave me to pay for it. Can you believe there are people as awful as that about

I keep wondering if it was something I did - not start my steroids early enough, dig the garden too vigorously, have the odd joint in the months before - but I think it's just our way of trying to take control of the situation. It's almost like we want answers, so we can make it better 'next time'.

After my last miscarriage I got a lovely letter from the mother of a friend, saying that she'd had three miscarriages and a still birth before she went on to have three children. She remembered that what had kept her going was stories of hope from aunties and the like, and she hoped that by writing to me it would give me hope too. I often get that letter out and have a good cry. Partly because it was so kind of her - I hardly know her, really.

Thanks for your thoughts Jules. And sorry you're still in the grip of hormones. I think mine are just leaving - I feel dreadully anxious and sad, and keep crying at the bus stop, and places like that. It will pass, I know, but it's grim.

As for the steroids, I was tested by a Harley Street man called Mr Shehata, and the only thing wrong was an elevated count of natural killer cells, which he (and an increasing number of others) reckon can attack the developing foetus and placenta. So I was on steroids to calm down my immune system. Fat lot of good it did, however. In a way I'm hoping that the tests of this m/c come back saying there was a chromosone prob, as that would mean there's hope for me on the steroid route. Plus heparin and progesterone, next time...

I have just come across this thread for the first time. I can relate to much of what everyone is saying and it is shocking in a way to see so many people out there in the same boat. I feel so desperately sad for those of you that have yet to be a mum like herb. This must be even more painful for you. I a, lucky to have one DS and he gives me a lot of comfort bless him. I really hope you get there in the end.
Hello to Jules - not been in contact for a while. You sound like you are feeling as crap as me. I have not been posting much anywhere. I feel too upset. However, I think this thread is the place for me right now.
I had a mc at 12 weeks in Nov and had emergency D&C due to very dramatic blood loss and was quite ill after. Got pg again in Jan. Had a scan at 7 weeks. All was good lovely baby with heartbeat all perfect. Then discovered missed mc at 10 weeks after a bit of spotting, three weeks ago and had ERPC the following day. Baby had died two days after the scan at 7/12 weeks. Some luck
Anyway two mc's in five months has hit me very hard. I feel very tearful,distracted, anxious and paranoid all the time although highly functional on the surface. I went back to work on Monday after two weeks off and just started crying after a meeting (very unsympathetic) with my childlesss boss. I had to go home at lunchtime. I have now arranged some short term counselling and the doc has signed me off for a further two weeks.
In some ways I feel like such a loser for needed a month off work as I only work two days a week as it is.In other ways I just don't care because I cannot help the overwhelming grief and sadness I feel. My heart is broken and I am just emotionally crushed.
Anyway enough about me. I am thinking of you all. Can't reply to you all individually yet as I have joined this thread when it is already massive but hope to do so from now on

P.S I know what you mean about drinking. Bring on the booze thats what I say. I have even started smoking again after five years on the odd occassion just to be bad because I am not pg. Stupid I know but it is only short term.

You do whatever makes you feel better chick. I am exactly the same at the minute

Hi ladies, god we have all been through the mill haven't we? I am so scared of trying again but also can't wait. I hope I am better at not geting excited until after 12 week scan - i think best thing is to be happy but not plan anything concrete arghhh
off for walk with very hung over dh - am still not fully back on the booze (have the odd glass but feel so pissed have to stop - god have changed!!). I think I might go and cht to my doctor before I try again see if he has any advice (fat chance but need to do domething proactive!)
have a good weekend - i am squeezing the last of the relaxing days out before back to work on Monday.

Hi Popsy, I am dreading the first 12 weeks of the next PG, and really it is only 8 weeks isn't it cos you are already 4 when you find out. The last time it all went so slowly. I think I'd rather not know I am PG but then last time I wasn't sure of my dates and that drove me mad. Not being PG has made me realise how cautious I was being with everything such as lifting (even down to making sure the shower wasn't too hot and wasn't going straight on my belly!) I hope next time I'll be more relaxed but I doubt it somehow!

I am going to a wedding in August and would have been blooming at seven months PG, now I will probably be 8 weeks PG, puking everywhere and just looking like I have put on a few pounds! And not being able to drink - nightmare. I'll be home straight after the meal!

Chat to your doc but they are generally pretty useless aren't they. Maybe the Miscarriage Association can help you better with support or questions.

Why isn't more done to investigate MC? They say they don't know what causes it because they don't do studies but why not? I'd be more than happy to take part in a study to try to find out what may have caused my MC. Even talking about my diet/lifestyle to see if these things were similar to others who had had MCs, maybe they could find a link? My baby also died just after a scan and maybe that is just coincidence but what about other factors that might apply to lots of women? Even if they found out there was something that I did, at least I'd know for next time.

My first day back at work yesterday was OK, I got so tired though in the afternoon and they let me go home at 4 which was so nice.

Welcome, Taichimum - I have also been tempted to have a ciggie but keep forgetting! I couldn't do it with DH here cos he would be so disappointed in me. But when I first MC'd I thought 'I could really have a smoke' but then never got round to it.

It is not stupid to take comfort in things you can't do when PG - I think it is natural (and I'm loving it though would rather be PG)

This thread is definitely the place for you and anyone else who may be reading but not contributing - join us!

Going back to work is hard, don't let them make it harder. Try to stay positive. I often think about women who haven't even found the right man yet - they are ages away from having a baby. I think at least I have a great DH who wants to have kids with me. Counselling will help, I've had it in the past for depression and it was very good.

Herby, it is so hard for you. Lucky you though, enjoying a joint! haven't seen cannabis since leaving uni and DH would not approve now! How is your DP/DH coping? Are you getting support from friends and family? They might not know how bad you are feeling but could help if they did. There is lots to be positive about if doc thinks your killer cells are the only thing wrong. Keep hoping and praying.

Jules, so sorry you are still not so good. Maybe stop testing and put it out of your mind for a bit (easier said than done). If you want to talk about the test results, we are always here.

Lovelylou - how did someone know to ring up and try to get your pram. Is it someone you know well? Nightmare.

I know there is no point worrying about what caused this MC but I'd rather know, it seems like docs think it is better to say 'it was nothing you did' when it could have been and then at least you'd know.

Have you girls got back into getting jiggy with DH/DPs yet? I did for first time after MC this morning. It was the first time I'd used a condom since meeting DH five years ago, I had to have a right good look to make sure I didn't have it inside out! I was never very good with them anyway. I bled a little but it was great otherwise.

DH said 'I suppose we'll being having sex all the time again soon' (and not in a way that made me think he was all that enamoured by the thought!)

Yep nh101 have got back into all that side of things nicely (sorry if TMI) - I think all the PG hormones are finally wearing off and feel much less tired and defo more up for that kind of thing - DP is overjoyed as he was experiencing a bit of a drought, poor thing, with me going 'Oh no I'm much too tired'. Think that might be why he's in no hurry to start trying again....
Taichimum - I'm so sorry for the way you're feeling hon - very little can make a difference I know, but please be assured you are amongst friends here, and we all understand (as much as it is possible) what you are going through. None of us will want you to feel better if you can't, or to stop talking, or to look happy when you don't feel it. So talk to us babe, say whatever you need to, we're all here for you xxx

Hi Girls, back at work today and have cried already (was locked out of office)- thought was doing so well - getting over it and looking forward HAH! Add to that I realised my sister nicked my fav shoes when she was over at the weekend (may be an over reaction on my part but am sure would be stealing if she was no blood relation). Other sister rang this morning to say she'd been elected to "have a word" with mum before Easter to make sure she acted normal and didn't try to plant an oak sapling or something to commemorate the MC - or I would if I could ha ha. Told her would not be staying up as planned (to be fair I planned to stay up to buy maternity clothes with my mum so not quite as appealing any more). She is gutted, mum is gutted and I just wish they would all leave me alone!
Spoke to the MIL as well yesterday (she has a tendancy towards tourettes so thought I'd let her get it off her chest before I see her Easter Monday). Her comforting words went like this..."are you still not eating bread (I don't but can't be bothered to explain AGAIN)...I'll make toasties for lunch then....was worrying about not giving you eggs and soft cheese of course but that is now out of the window...." Never mind the fact that I don't think I have eaten a single egg or bit of cheese other than cheddar since I started going there 9 years ago....!!!! God how am I going to cope? Her next statement was "we're feeling better - it has been really hard for us - not as hard as for you of course but we've been really struggling - at this point I stopped listening and handed the phone to DH. Apparently she asked DH when we plan to start trying again as "in her day" the advice was 3 months bla bla bla.
Anyway on to nicer things we hopped back on for first time on Friday with a condom (urghhh). Did it again last night but got a bit carried away to begin with hmmmm not safe for me to be doing it again until after next period am not to be trusted - oh well at least hormones are back on keel - definitely more "up for it" than have been since got PG. Laughed at your DH saying "oh I suppose we'll be doing it loads again" and not seeming happy. Remember making DH do it all the time - last time we did it before positive PG test was like going to work or something - defo not sexy in anyway - poor things!
p.s. I have been bleeding in the night after last nights fun uh oh -oh well - was WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes girls, I deffo feel more up for it, I thought it was just cos we hadn't done it for two weeks but after reading your messages... maybe not!

Using condoms again - can't be bothered, but know I have to. I had to laugh cos after we used one on Saturday I almost felt like we'd used one once so that will be enough to stop us getting PG so we can just not bother now IYSWIM! Obviously I know I am being bonkers.

Am counting down the days to trying again, am deffo going to wait two periods though cos I really want to know what my cycle is! I was on the pill for eight years, came off and got PG straight away so am interested to know what my body does when left to its own devices. Also as said before we are going on holiday on June 1 and don't want to radiate the next baby in the plane like I did to the last one. So we'll start trying on that holiday (and I can get pissed!)

I have felt really sad for the last four days, cried yesterday. Measured my boobs this morning - I have gone back to an A cup. So maybe that means all the hormones have gone now which would explain why I have been feeling down. My tummy is getting back into its normal shape now as well which is nice, I don't feel fat anymore. Didn't mind feeling fat when PG but not after MC.

Feeling good this morning though which is nice. Short week this week with Good Friday. Yay!!!

Popsy, you cry girl - it always makes me feel better. Hope you are feeling better now. x

Hi nh101, thanks for the message - maybe I am feeling more down because of the hormones tailing off..my boobs are defo still bigger than they were though - maybe wishing to keep them has helped . My belly is still big too though this may be due to over eating (chocolate eggs and baked goods are my vices arghh).
I ate almost a whole tub of M & S farmyard jellies - bliss until I realised I was wired on the sugar and couldn't sleep (nor feel my tongue ha ha).

I love hearing from you nh101 - you are so positive - I am going to make a fresh start today - is monday morning again and I AM NOT DEPRESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

see it works
p.s. waiting 2 periods - god you have balls of steel - I am tempted to get going today (yesterday) even though I need to wait for period number 1! (what does AF mean?)

Hi girls,still no results. Sick of waiting, really want to try again soon, not in a year. Feeling a bit better this week but think i will feel much better once i know what is going on. Reading up on molar pregnancy and i had none of the symtoms so i am really hoping that is not what it was cos cannot stand blood tests either so having them weekly doesn't sound like much fun
My body also feels like it is going back to normal and if i could stop eating choc biscuits weight would go back to normal too. Did you all have a good weekend went out and got really drunk again on saturday but managed not to cry this time. Had a really good time. Going to friends house this evening for our weekly wine night. Which is just a night that we get really drunk and chat, looking forward to it.
We all seem a lot more positive at the minute

Seem to be on some sort of rollercoaster. One day I'm fine, and think 'not having a baby's no problem... I'll just do gardening instead', and the next it seems like the worst tragedy in the world, and one I'd never recover from. It makes me question my whole life - career, where we live, friendships, everything. I get all scared and uncertain about it all.

Had a total collapse on Saturday morning, crying and feeling totally lost. And was dreading my lunch with all my pals, that I'd arranged. However, a few bloody marys later and I had a brilliant time, got totally smashed, and was reminded what great friends I have. I didn't even have a hangover depression the next day...

Oh, and... I'm all cross with my consultant man. He says, now, that next time he'll put me on heparin and progesterone, as well as the steroids, but why didn't he suggest them this time? I'm not an experiment. There might not be a 'next time'. Just got an invoice in the post from him for £200, which is the appointment he found the baby had died, so not in my best books at the moment...

Hi herbaceous I know how you feel. Have just sobbed into my keyboard for the last hour unable to get anything done whereas yesterday you would have thought I didn't have a care in the world...I sobbed down the phone to dh that I can't stand the thought that at the very best I have to wait another 6 weeks to try to get PG but that it may be I'm waiting years - poor thing was about to go into a meeting - will have to be very nice to him tonight. I can just about cope with things day to day but anything that means thinking ahead seems to be really hard. I was just looking round my work on the way to the canteen thinking...i was ready for a break from here and now I know I'll have to come in everyday just as if my plans had never been made. Everyone is getting on with life except me - I'm stuck in this non-PG limbo! Here's hoping i feel better tomorrow - otherwsie that is it - I am turning back to the wine with a vengeance (dangerous thing for me to do but these are desperate times )