Missed miscarriage - advice needed please

[strawberry]

I have just found out from a scan that I have a missed miscarriage (ie. no bleeding but fetus not growing and no heart beat). The doctor recommends I have surgery (ERCP) rather than wait for nature to take its course. Does anyone have any advice/experience of this? Please help -I am gutted and don't know what to do. Thanks

LynneClynne

Was at the hospital two hours, had another scan which showed that the baby had shrunk by a mm. Also there was some bleeding which means that my body has started to do its thing. I said I still wanted a d and c and I am booked in for a week. I begged them to do it quicker but they can't. Which means that by the time I have the d and c the baby will have been dead for 7 weeks. Today I have been reading the book called Preventing Miscarriage which is quite good, have you read it?

Yes I know what you mean, I was seen at the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit and I think most others were in the same boast as me or at least suspecting so none of them looked pregnant which helped! Sounds awful

Edie, my thoughts are with u xx I am horrified that u have had to wait so long!In our hospital i could get booked in the next day, this must be so awful for you and ur husband having to wait such a long time.
I havent read that book, who is the author?? I will look out for it, thanx
Take care, i'm thinking of u!
Lynne xxx

Edie I really feel for you, a friend had her second baby 4 days after my last m/c, that was 4 weeks ago and I still haven't seen the baby-D?H has given the present and chatted with them, so I know they understand. Also another friend (I suspect) is pregnant and doesn't want to tell me because of my recent m/c, so I know I've got to ask her, but what if she isn't? (although D/H saw her the other day and said that he thought she was as well and men are normally hopeless at noticing that aren't they!!)
Wishing you all the best
J
Lynne Clynne, glad you're feeling a bit better at the moment. D/H was working all weekend so I wasn't able to go on line as much, but missed the support from everyone

LynneClynne

The author of that is called Jonathan Scher. It's good and comforting but to be honest there wasn't that much I didn't know, and I suspect it will be the same for you. I think you quickly become a bit of an expert when you have been through it don't you? About the hosp-I know I was appalled. So much so that me and my mum wrote a letter of complaint on PC last night. It's very good.

Im sure it's down to all the cut backs in the NHS. I just cannot believe that I can't be shoved up the list a bit. Im prob behind someone waiting for an ingrowing toenail to be removed!

Anyway how are you doing?

Jossie

It's awful I know, however lets just hope it gets better! My friend with newborn hasn't been in touch since she came to see me day after m/c but the pregnant friend is on holiday.
Are you wanting to try again?

Edie, good for you and ur mum, thats the best thing u can do, if u dont get anywhere with that threaten them with ur local MP.Thats terrible what they have done to u!
At the moment i'm well,keeping myself busy with decorating the house, i hope u r well too!

Jossie, hope things are well with yourself!
Take care girls!
Lynne xxx

Edie & Lynne
Had a really good appointment with the consultant-we've had chromosone tests done already and have got to have blood tests for a whole host of things, one lot after my first period after ERPC (started today!) and the other lot 6 weeks later then another appt with consultant 3 weeks after that and hopefully they might have an idea what's wrong, although he said it was better if they didn't find anything as then the two m/c really were one of those things and I wouldn't have a higher risk of m/c in the future, but I keep thinking that if they find something then at least they might be able to treat it. (I've just read this back and realised what a really long sentence it is!)
I know it's not definate they can sort things but I feel we want / need an answer to get over this last m/c and to seriously consider whether we are going to try again.
Hope you are both doing ok and feeling as well as can be expected.
J

Jossie

Know what you mean about wanting it treated. Obviously the more mc's you have, the more painful it gets but also im frustrated at medical profession having the attitude that it's not worth investigating if it's just been the one time like in my case. Part of me understands that sometimes its one of those things but I had an abnormal smear before I got pg and can't help wondering if this had something to do with it. Probably not but you just examine everything don't you?

However it's great that your doc is taking everything seriously and is looking into things. GOOD LUCK xx xx

Hi Josie, Hi Edie, hope u r both well.
Josie, thats brillant, that u r getting somewhere at last!Im so happy for u!
Edie, i hope things are going well for u, with the hospital..i will be thinking of u on Monday!Has there been any changes??
Im ok, had a really bad night lastnight..couldnt stop crying, still been like that today,its so weird, even if im just walking down the street, i just want to cry Im sure i'll be ok tomorrow though, its just one of or two of those days!
I'm now at the stadge where i feel too scared to try again i've been through the bit where i cant wait to try again, but that soon changed and now its fear!But at the same time i dont want to live to regret not trtying again.God, who knows!!! I will probably have different feelings tomorro U know how it is!!
Well girls, take care! I'm thinking about u both!
Lynne xxx

Hiya
Sory to hear you're having a bad time Lynne Clynne, it does come and go in phases, but the phases get less and less.
I had a bit of a cry tonight because DH was talking about some work he had been asked to do on a certain day and was looking at the calendar, I said that date sounds familiar then it hit me in a flash it was M/C baby 1's due date and I was a snivelling mess!
As to trying again I think the bit in the Lesley Regan book sums it up when she says that you know when you can't try anymore and that for as long as you are thinking that you don't want to miss your chance then you will probably try again.
I know in my heart of hearts I want to try again, but I suppose waitimg for the results is giving me a bit of breathing time or else delaying the inevitable decision of shall we? I know I will be petrified if we do. I suppose it gives me some time to try to lose some weight as well!!
Hope you feel better tomorrow Lynne Clynne, best wishes Edie
J

Hi Jossie, hope ur well, same with urself Ed, i'm still having a bad time, its so weird, me and hd spoke all over the weekend, i was explaining i thought everything was going so well and then everyday seems to be getting worse,just cant stop crying, its getting to be ridiculous!!God knows when its going to stop, just hope its soon!Im not working at the moment which is a great help..as i couldnt handle the thought of going to work,i feel as if ive lost all my confidence..its just so weird!Well hope ur both well, im sure i'll get over thicrying stadge soon! (well i hope)
Take care girls
Lynne xxx

Hello ladies. I'm so sorry that you're all going through this. I had a missed miscarriage at 22 weeks - skipped a long to my second scan wondering what sex the baby was and looking forward to seeing it and was told there was no heartbeat. Like all of you, I was given the option to wait to let nature take its course or be induced (whatever happened, I would have to go through labour and give birth because I was quite a way into the pregnancy). I chose to be induced as I couldn't bear the thought of carrying a dead baby around. It was awful. Soul destroying and took two days on a maternity ward, while other women around me were giving birth to living babies. i had to have a d&c afterwards also. It took me a long time to get over it emotionally. All those wonderful expectations gone, replaced with terrible feelings of loss and inadequacy. Every month when my period came I was so upset and suffered really bad post natal depression, which my husband didn't seem to understand at all. Everything became about getting pregnant again...I started trying to work out when I was ovulating...and it just took the pleasure and spontaneity out of it all. My lovely GP told me to stop doing all of that, to go on holiday and try and stop wanting to get pregnant again....two weeks later I found out I was pregnant and six weeks later I found out I was expecting twins! I dreaded every scan right up until I got to 30 weeks...waiting for them to tell me that there were no heartbeats...but all went well and I now have two beautiful two year old boys. I know when you're going through this awful time, the last thing you want is someone telling you their happy ending, but I just wanted to give you some hope. Also, the good news is that you can concieve and I'm sure you will do.

Hi deeda, when i hear stories like ur own, as i also heard last week from my hd friends wife, i feel i have not been through half as much as yourself,this is such a heartbreaking thing to go through, i myself found out at 7 weeks, to go on any further, i can only imagine it is so much more difficult,that is brilliant news about ur twins,it's good hearing from someone like urself, who has been through so much heartbreak yet has such good news in the end, i know deep down i want to try again and so does my hd, but im just scared to try again, i know only time will take this away, but like all of us will be so scared for the full nine months.
Take care!
Lynne

Lynne

Posting more on the ttc thread now so haven't spoken to you all on here for a while. Sorry to hear that things are bad for you at the moment. I know what you mean about work, I haven't been since I found out three weeks ago although was lucky that I have had some annual leave already booked. Hope your work has been supportive, take as much time as you need, you have both physical and emotional needs that are way more important than work. I am thinking of cutting my hours although money may be a bit tight. Your confidence will come back, and it's not wierd that it has gone, you have been through a hard time and you have changed as a person. Good luck xx xx

Lynne
Don't worry what you're going through is natural, you aren't just grieving the loss, you're grieving all of the what might have beens (if that makes sense). Like you, I lost confidence socially. I'm a teacher and my 2nd m/c happened in the summer holidays, so I didn't have to face people. I was so scared going back to work having to talk to people and make small talk. I hated being asked did you have a good holiday as I wanted to let rip about what had happened, instead I just kept saying "Oh it goes so quick" and moved away.
I tried to explain to my parents how I felt socially, my mum understood (she had a m/c years ago) whereas my dad just didn't get it.
You lose confidence in yourself some how.
It does get easier I still have upsets (had another one today, but more about that another time), but I've started to develop a bit of a shell around my emotions in public at least.
All the best
J

Hi Josie, it was good to hear from u again, i hope things are going well with the hospital and also with ur husband, i've still to make that shell, especially in public, i can't even answer the phone without busting into tears if anyone mentions the mc,never mind meet someone face to face, so many people keep asking me out to lunch and i just don't feel ready for that yet, dont get me wrong, my hd and i, both sit up for hours on end talking about, but as soon as someone says "oh im so sorry to hear what happened to u" then thats me crying the rest of the day! There's not alot of people that did know, so walking down the street is ok for me as only a couple of our neighbours new, and i told them on day 1, to get it out the way, it's more friends and family that i'm avoiding for now
Oh the things we do
Poor hd has to tell all his friends,family and workplace(thats alot of people) there's just know way i could have done that!
Anyway, enough of me...how are things oing for yourself??
Hope all is well.
Take care Josie!
Lynne xxx

Hi Edie, how are things going with yourself??
I hope everythings going well for you.
I know what u mean about work,i have just resigned from mine.At the moment doing some freelance work, that way i can choose myself what days to work.The money isnt as good but its what i want and feel a lot better with that, as its starting to build my confidence back up.Like yourself it was a big decision, having to take a drop in money especially if we are going to try again for another baby, but i'm sure we'll get there!
It was good to hear from u again Edie, hope everythings going well! Take care!
Lynne xxx

HI,

Just been reading through some of the thread and could really identify with what Jossie posted. I had a missed M/C followed by ERPC 4 weeks ago. After the intial shock of it all I went into overdrive trying to keep myself busy but the last week or so have found it really hard to see friends as no one mentions it and it's as though it never happened. Yet it's still a major hole in my life.Feel like I'm living in a little bubble where on the inside I keep thinking over everything but on the outside putting on a brave face with those who knew I was pregnant and those who didn't know as well IYKWIM. Needed to get that off my chest - feeling a bit weepy today I think AF is on it's way.

Hi stretchmarks, i know what u mean, i had mc 4 weeks ago, i too kept myself busy, decorating the house going out in the garden to work etc,etc and it has really hut me this week,ive not stopped crying and and just don't want to see anyone, if we have visitors, its that bad i stay upstairs in my bed, leaving my poor hd to deal with them, this i feel so so bad about, but he does understand.I suppose only time will change this, as i dont have any other answers!
I hope things get better for u sooner rather than later!
Take care
Lynne

Hi, I'm sorry for intruding on your conversation but I've just got back from the hospital with my husband after being told that my 9+ week pregnancy is no more. I had been spotting and my scan shows a sac and they have told me the baby stopped growing 2/3 weeks ago and there's no heartbeat. I'm in total shock as I've had 2 previous healthy pregnancies with 2 wonderful sons. I do know I'm lucky to have them and this pregnancy was a total shock as we wasn't trying, but we had got used to the idea and now it's been taken away. Is this what you call a missed misscarrage??? They have told me it doesn't look good and that I need to go back for another scan next Wednesday, my eyes are so sore from all the tears now.

Kimred

So sorry this has happened, it is truly awful. The same thing happened to me. Yes it is known as a missed miscarriage. People on here understand what you are going through. xx xx

Sorry to inturde on your thread but I always read the miscarrigae ones because I had a mc in Jan 05 and even now and despite the fact that I have since been lucky enough to have a gorgeous healthy girl im not sure im over it.
I still cry when I think back to that time and I was realy profounly depressed for a good 4 months afterwards.I wouldnt speak to anyone except dh.My Mumn and Dad nearly staged an intervention.People were ok at first but after a few weeks became a bit impatient becuase my missed miscarriage wasnt as tangible I suppoe to them as it was to me.
Kimred-I think that is a missed miscarige youve had.Its exactly the same as what happened to me.Im so so sorry.You mention your other two kids.I hope you dont think that becuase you already have kids yoo have any less right to be upset.Of course you are lucky to have them but that doesnt make it any fairer that you have now had a miscarrige.If I learnt anything it is that you must allow yourself as much time as you need to give.Its doesnt matter how manyother kids you have already-thsi was stil a baby and yiou still had hopes and dreams for it and you have to be able to grieve them properly before you move on...(Maybe that istn what you think but sometomes the mind palys funny tricks in tiems of great distress-mine did anyway)

Hi kimred, i am so sorry to hear of ur bad news, i was also told this exactly 4weeks ago today, all of the ladies on this site have ben so,so helpful to me as they will be to yourself, it is such a shock to ur system and knowone really understands unless they have been through the same, 4 weeks on,i am still grieving,i know this may not help u at the moment as u will still be in shock, but time is a grat healer.We all still have good days and bad as you will too.My thoughts are with u. There is always someone here who u can talk with as we all know how u are feeling and what u are going through.
Take care
Lynne

Hi everyone-
Kimred , im so sorry for you, know excatly how you feel.
Strechmarks - hope you are o.k hun, i know what you mean about being weepy, i was yesterday and today for no real reason , just feels that everyone else around me has fogotten about it and i have just plodded along still, ( 5 weeks today) , still not talking to my mum but still angry with her, my sons Birthday in 7 weeks, hopefully it will be sorted by then xx
I did get the book you ladis talked about and it was a great help , there was alot in there that wasnt to my case but what was really helped me get a grip on things.
Sending ((((( HUGS))))))) to you all xxxxx

Hi Kimred
I agree with scootermum, as I've got 2 boys and have now had 2 m/c I have felt almost apologetic for being so upset, but just because I've got two already doesn't mean the next baby wouldn't have been loved any less...especially as we had been ttc for 1 year before m/c 1.
Your situation soundsthe same as my 2nd m/c-I had a scan at 8 wks and everything was ok, started bleeding lightly at 10 weeks, was scanned and was told that the baby had stopped growing probably a couple of days after that first scan.
Sending you support and best wishes
J

Lynne
Give yourself time, if you don't feel like seeing people then don't. I just started with a couple of good friends who I felt really comfortable with. I still haven't seen my MIL.
The friend I thought was pregnant-found out that she definately was in a bit of an unexpected (and a little traumatic) way. I was doing some one off teaching in her son's school and they had had to bring in things that were special to them. He brought a scan picture and said this is a picture of my new baby! I was knocked sideways a bit in front of a class of children, but in the end it gave me the courage to go to her and talk about it, rather than avoiding it as I had been. She hadn't told me because of my m/c, it turns out she is due 3 weeks after I was. So feeling a little sensitive as I would have loved to have been expecting alongside someone else, so close in dates. I'm happy for her, just sad for me.
J