Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

He was supposed to be our rainbow

266 replies

KittyandTeal · 07/03/2016 18:22

After loosing dd2 last year at 22weeks (T18 and a tfmr) I was told I probably couldn't have any more.

I made myself ok with it. It would just be 3 of us.

Then I found out I was pregnant. It has been anxious and stressful. All tests came back clear, found out he was a boy. I had a really good feeling that things would be ok.

Routine antenatal clinic today the doc said at the end of the appointment that he could give me a quick scan if I had time and it wouldn't make me too anxious.

Turns out our baby died, the day after our scan at fmc where everything looked great. No reason they can tell.

I actually don't think I know how to do all this again.

OP posts:
hopinghopefullyagain · 11/03/2016 20:32

Just stopping by to say hello and that I'm thinking of you and your family tonight. Hold one another close and do what you need to to get through

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 11/03/2016 20:49

kitty I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. As someone who has had three miscarriages I have often seen you post here and in the antenatal test board. You are always so informative, empathetic and supportive and if there is one person who really deserved a happy ending after a traumatic time it was you. Life is just truly unfair.

I'm just so so sorry and I will be thinking of both you and your family.

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 11/03/2016 21:43

Thank you snoopy.

Still pretty numb. I'm actually getting a bit worried that nothing's come yet. I'm ok, I'm having lovely happy chats with dd1, watching a film and laughing. It's so wrong. Wtaf is going on with me?

Logically I know this must be denial or survival mode but I'm so worried now. The waiting for the fallout is almost as bad.

I want to just feel something. I am utterly numb and I'm a bit worried I'm broken.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobblers · 11/03/2016 21:48

Oh Kitty I am so very sorry.

Itsalwayssunny · 11/03/2016 21:58

Kitty I felt exactly like that for a long time after Eli, and it was definitely survival but those waves of other feelings will come eventually so just let yourself feel it or feel nothing and know it's ok to do that. You've been on my mind alot and I hope you are being kind to yourself. No one deserves this pain once let alone twice. Please keep talking to us if it helps x

daisydalrymple · 11/03/2016 22:18

kitty I'm so sorry to have read this has happened to you. I too have seen you be so kind to others on here. Much love to you and yours x

Tollygunge · 12/03/2016 06:55

The first time this happened I felt mentally fine for two days then it knocked me over. The second time not quite so much. The third and fourth time (which were much earlier) I didn't really cry at all. I really really feel for you. It's such a shit that after picking yourself up again from the first time you've been knocked back down. Arc have been my rock- even though technically only the first time was a results issue they've continued to help me to this day. I am often told by people I'm unlucky- I disagree. I believe I'm incredibly lucky because yes I have had losses but I also have, like you, an amazing daughter. At the risk of sounding cheesy I believe that she's got a purpose in life, as for some reason I was able to have her. I tell her the 'stars lined up perfectly the night you came in my tummy'
As for thinking you're a failure- Would you say that about someone else? Of course you wouldn't, you'd never dream of it. Then please be as kind to yourself as you would a dear friend. Xxxx if you ever need me I'm at the end of a PM.

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 12/03/2016 07:46

Tolly I'm so sorry for all your losses. I cannot imagine dealing with that many.

I know what you mean about our daughters. I think dd1 is a bit of an anomoly or miracle (except I'm not religious)

I've managed a couple of little cries so I feel a bit better.

I'm trying to reassure myself to feel whatever it is at that moment, I got quite good at it before. This numbness is a bit uncomfortable and the waiting for it to all stop is quite stressful.

We're going to try and find something lovely to do with dd1 today. I'm still physically pretty worn out and my bleeding is quite heavy, heavier than with dd2, but then they think there might be some membranes left so that's to be expected. It's pretty exhausting though

OP posts:
ChatEnOeuf · 12/03/2016 08:56

A day out with DD1 sounds lovely.

You're right to just allow yourself to feel right now (and onwards for that matter). About three days after DS died I went out for lunch with friends - that was what I needed to do, to talk and just be with people. Others would think that would be the last thing from their minds, but for me it was right. You'll find what's right for you.

As a side note, my milk never came in. I spent about 12 days waiting for it, which was far worse than the very slight tingling it eventually was.

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 12/03/2016 10:27

kitty I'm so sorry for your losses. Life is very unfair. Be kind to yourself. Thinking of you and your family ThanksBrew

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 12/03/2016 13:46

Well I've had the meltdown I was expecting! And I feel a bit better for it tbh.

I've printed photos, sorted Leo's memory box and now I'm colouring while dd1 naps. It all feels a bit more familiar now, I feel like I know what I'm doing now.

God that sounds weird

OP posts:
hopinghopefullyagain · 12/03/2016 13:59

It doesn't sound at all wierd, unfortunately this is familiar territory for you and we all take at least a tiny bit of comfort in familiarity, however grim the situation. I'm glad you feel a bit better

JCleRoux · 12/03/2016 14:04

I am so sorry Kitty. Love and light to you and your family Flowers

Brenna24 · 12/03/2016 15:22

Lots of hugs. I am glad (in an odd way) that you have had the meltdown now. Like a storm clearing the air. I hope this is the staart of your healing now.

ChatEnOeuf · 12/03/2016 17:33

Not weird lovely. Familiarity can be comforting Flowers

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 12/03/2016 18:52

Yeah I feel like I'm on comfortable ground (although nothing about grieving is comfortable at all)

I think I was dreading it all building up and coming out at a really choice time (like the supermarket veg isle like last time Hmm)

Next hurdle is my pil visit tmrw. They didn't really get the 'fuss' last time when we lost dd2. They're the old school 'pull your socks up, sweep it under the carpet and never speak of it again' crowd so it's taken them a long time to get their heads around the concept that dd2 is part of our family and our story. They have now and are generally onboard but tmrw will be difficult. Especially as I just can't be dealing with anyone else's grief atm (apart from DH obs)

OP posts:
TimeforaDietCoke · 12/03/2016 20:02

Kitty I've only just seen your thread and your very sad news. I'm so shocked and angry that this has happened to you. I hope you can have a peaceful few days while you recover physically. I'm pleased your DH has some time to be with you and DD1. I'm so sorry for the loss of baby Leo. xxx

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 12/03/2016 20:21

Thank you. It is pretty much as shit as it gets tbh.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobblers · 12/03/2016 20:52

It is shit. I am so sorry.

I too have had a TFMR at 21 weeks and then another loss at 13 weeks although there was a lot longer between mine. It is totally grim and feels so unfair. I thought lightning couldn't strike twice.

It is hard to see family, I found seeing my own family hard enough let alone DH's, although all were sympathetic. But it is better when things go a little bit back to normality, I know exactly what you mean about knowing where you are.

Anyway, I just wanted to send my support. Hope you have as peaceful a night as possible.

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 12/03/2016 20:57

Thanks humphreys. I think we've spoken before.

I thought the same thing, I couldn't possibly loose another, that would be too unfair. Apparently not.

I'm starting to think about his service now. I was so at sea with dd2 I had no clue what I wanted. We've already decided on flowers, I think I'd like 'you'd want a physicist to speak at your funeral' (or whatever the title is) to be read but I want ideas for other readings. We had the classic 'if a flower should not bloom' poem for Roses service so I want some thing different this time. I think I'd also like the Carl Sagan quote 'we are made of star stuff' on Leo's plaque as it fits nicely with Roses. (I've fully outted myself with this thread but who cares, my friends are all awesome anyway)

OP posts:
HumphreyCobblers · 12/03/2016 21:09

That is a lovely reading. Your children have lovely names.

The funeral we had for our son is something I like to remember now, although it was so hard at the time. We had a lot of music, Come down O Love Divine was the hymn. It feels like something I could do for him and I like it that we tried our best.

HumphreyCobblers · 12/03/2016 21:10

We have spoken before, I was so sad to read your new thread.

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 12/03/2016 21:16

Thank you Humphrey

OP posts:
TimeforaDietCoke · 12/03/2016 22:34

It is totally and utterly shit. I'm so sorry Flowers.

Trooperslane · 13/03/2016 07:55

Beautiful readings kitty.