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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

He was supposed to be our rainbow

266 replies

KittyandTeal · 07/03/2016 18:22

After loosing dd2 last year at 22weeks (T18 and a tfmr) I was told I probably couldn't have any more.

I made myself ok with it. It would just be 3 of us.

Then I found out I was pregnant. It has been anxious and stressful. All tests came back clear, found out he was a boy. I had a really good feeling that things would be ok.

Routine antenatal clinic today the doc said at the end of the appointment that he could give me a quick scan if I had time and it wouldn't make me too anxious.

Turns out our baby died, the day after our scan at fmc where everything looked great. No reason they can tell.

I actually don't think I know how to do all this again.

OP posts:
FraterculaArctica · 10/03/2016 18:20

Well done for getting through this awful day. It is so unfair.

It will never come close to what should have been, but I hope you will in time find a little comfort that you got to see him and have some photos. Are you back home yet?

Keep posting, or not, whichever helps more at the time. Flowers for you, DH and DD1.

Strokethefurrywall · 10/03/2016 18:36

Still thinking of you Kitty - keeping you in my prayers.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 10/03/2016 18:44

Oh, Kitty. Flowers
I'd seen your posts and was hopeful for you this time. Saw this and thought 'oh fuck, no'.

Leo is a lovely name, one of my favourites.

I had a dear friend who lost two babies around the 20-week mark. She went on to have two boys. But I know hope will be hard to muster and feel hollow just now. It's just crap and unfair.

Take care of yourself.

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 10/03/2016 18:57

Thank you.

We're still at hospital just waiting for my drugs for discharge. I've had a wonderful doc who stayed after his shift to come and see us.

We've said our goodbyes to Leo which wasn't as hard as with Rose. It all still feels very surreal.

They've not managed to get a tissue sample from him and we've asked for only an external post mortum (with additional imaging) but the chances are we will never know what happened to our beautiful boy.

OP posts:
marmiteontoast76 · 10/03/2016 19:10

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this again Kitty. Have been thinking of you and Leo today.

hopinghopefullyagain · 10/03/2016 19:34

Well done, you did so so well today. Be kind to yourself and each other in the days and weeks to come

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 10/03/2016 19:38

Thank you. I definitely need to try and do that. Last time I had an actual urge to look after myself and try to protect myself.

This time I'm just angry that I've failed 2 little babies.

I really need to work hard at being kind to myself. I think I'm back to imagining I'm someone else and treating myself as I would them (I don't even know if that makes sense but it does to me)

OP posts:
Vixxfacee · 10/03/2016 20:04

Kitty you haven't failed at anything. Thinking of you at this time.

Trooperslane · 10/03/2016 20:09

This is not your failure, Kitty.

You said something similar to me when I lost DC April last year.

Take your own advice, lovely X

Trooperslane · 10/03/2016 20:10

Rising back that sounds harsh.

Not meant like that at all. Sorry.

Be very kind. Cuddle up and look after yourself.

Take as much time off work as you need.

Trooperslane · 10/03/2016 20:10

*reading

5madthings · 10/03/2016 20:14

Oh kitty you haven't failed, I can't impress that upon you enough, you really haven't failed at all.

Honestly I just don't know what to say, I am glad you got to spend some time with Leo and have some pictures.

I hope that physically you are not too sore and recover Ok.

Do look after yourself, do whatever you need or it takes, I just wish there was something, anything that could help.

Much love and strength to you and your dh. And thinking of little Leo, and Rose xxx

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 10/03/2016 20:16

No troopers, you are absolutely right (I didn't read to to be harsh either)

I am terrible at following my own advice.

Logically I know this isn't my fault and I haven't failed but it's one of the many, irrational things I feel atm.

I practicing saying to myself 'yes you feel like that, that is normal, but feeling it doesn't make it true'

OP posts:
Tollygunge · 10/03/2016 20:38

Have they given you cabergolin to stop breasts swelling? I insisted on this second time round and it made it a lot less uncomfortable X

ChatEnOeuf · 10/03/2016 20:53

If you won't take your advice, take mine. Allow yourself to feel, and allow yourself to do as you feel. Don't rush anything. Feel what you need to, do what you need to. IT will be the right thing for you, at that time.

You haven't failed anyone here - Rose had her problems, none of which were a result of anything you did or didn't do. You may never know why Leo died, but that doesn't mean you failed here either.

Everything you're feeling is normal, be safe in that knowledge.

Dextyboo · 10/03/2016 21:45

It sounds like it went as well as can be i am glad of that for you kitty. It is easy to blame ourselves but kitty it is nothing you did or didnt do. Hopefully a post mortem will give you some closure.

In the meantime carry on as you are you might not realise this right now but u sound so very strong and you are doing a great job.

Not sure what you did after Rose but i noticed earlier someone talking about the milk suprresant drungs, i didnt take them and i was fine. I leaked a few nights but nothing that made me more upset than i already was. I wore a sports bra type top and pads. Anyway just wanted to give my experience of that incase you were unsure about the tablets as i heard bad things about them.

I'm sure leo was truly beautiful, i hope you have been able to capture some memories of him to keep.

primarynoodle · 10/03/2016 22:36

kitty I am so devastated for you and your family. I dont know what else to say other than life is often shit and im so sorry that it has chosen to be shit in this way for you.

Take care and i pray you get your rainbow soon and no more beautiful angels Flowers

Oly5 · 10/03/2016 22:41

Kitty i am so sorry.
One thing I would say is that if you can bring yourself to, ask the specialist if they can find out why your baby died. Just in the hope this terrible thing never happens to you again.
I'm so sorry

TheDisillusionedAnarchist · 10/03/2016 23:21

You didn't fail! Nobody failed. It's just shit luck and some of us have far too much of it. Thinking of you all. Hope you get some rest.

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 11/03/2016 08:42

Thanks all.

I didn't have the milk suppressant last time and was ok, just a tiny bit uncomfortable for a day or so. I'm not sure it'll happen this time as it was so early on, they haven't mentioned it. Maybe someone else could tell me if theirs did around 13/14 weeks.

They're doing as much as they can to find out why he died without doing an 'invasive' pm. It won't impact any further pregnancies because this was our last shot.

OP posts:
primarynoodle · 11/03/2016 12:53

I had my daughter at 13 weeks and my milk never came in :/ so sorry again my love xx

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 11/03/2016 16:09

Thank you noodles. They were so good at explaining last time that I assumed it probably wouldn't happen based on the fact that they've explained everything else but didn't mention this.

We've picked up dd1 and are snuggled up watching some crazy nature program that she loves! Trying to work out what to have for dinner.

I'd forgotten how hard simple decisions where in the first few weeks.

OP posts:
Trooperslane · 11/03/2016 18:57

I lost DC at 14 weeks last year and didn't need anything like that either.

I did need
-wine
-tissues
-wine
-buns
-sleep
-cuddles from DD and DH
-lots of time with friends.

Big hugs lovely X

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 11/03/2016 19:18

Troopers sounds like a list for a stillbirth/miscarriage coping box.

I don't usually drink, I have lots of alcoholics in my family, but I drank shit loads after Rose. Then I started to get that feeling of not being able to get through the evening without a good few drinks so I knocked it on the head. I'm avoiding it atm as in on vampire antibiotics.

I have everything else on the list, although croissants instead of buns.

I'll get back to running too, as meanly as people think I am it's therapeutic Grin

OP posts:
Trooperslane · 11/03/2016 20:05

I agree that wine/booze can be dangerous and running much better for your physical and mental health.

You just get through any way you can.