He was supposed to be our rainbow

[KittyandTeal]

After loosing dd2 last year at 22weeks (T18 and a tfmr) I was told I probably couldn't have any more.

I made myself ok with it. It would just be 3 of us.

Then I found out I was pregnant. It has been anxious and stressful. All tests came back clear, found out he was a boy. I had a really good feeling that things would be ok.

Routine antenatal clinic today the doc said at the end of the appointment that he could give me a quick scan if I had time and it wouldn't make me too anxious.

Turns out our baby died, the day after our scan at fmc where everything looked great. No reason they can tell.

I actually don't think I know how to do all this again.

That's exactly how I feel, you've put it much better than I could.

It will help heal in the end, knowing that all our stuff is being used and loved but actually sorting through it and giving it away is going to be really hard.

It will be. Every outfit has its own memories and future attached. I've never suffered a loss like you but it's hard enough giving away our baby things now our family is complete. Make sure you keep the really special things back, or anything that you'd imagined your little boy in. It will make it slightly easier for now. Then maybe let go once you can? I hope your SIL is lovely and sensitive about receiving the things.

Yes sil is being as sensitive as she can. She's excited and this is her first so I don't think she really understands what it is to loose a baby, but then does anyone I guess.

I will be keeping some bits back and luckily she is having a girl so the more 'boy' stuff we can keep for a bit or give away to charity.

I know I can't wrap my head around it and I have children, so she probably can't either.
The only experience I can compare it to (and I know it's not comparable directly so please don't think I mean any harm) is when a grandparent and my uncle died we had to eventually get rid of their belongings. It was horrible, especially my uncles as he was young, but it was a necessary part of the process that on reflection im glad to have done. It was constructive grief and a time (now I look back) where the memories were very structured ie around certain items and that was good.

It's hard to articulate but what I'm trying to say is that it is an essential part, and maybe even one day, a good part of an awful awful time

Just popped by to see how you are getting on. You are being very brave passing on the baby stuff, I did a sharp intake of breath as I read that. What a generous positive thing to do, but oh so hard . So much hope and love and loss wrapped up in those clothes etc. Wobbling is completely understandable. Would it help in any way to lay out all the stuff and photograph it? Only give what you can manage to, it doesn't matter if you need to keep half of it or more. One day there will be other friends/family having more babies and maybe in a year or two you will feel able to part with more of it. Be kind to yourself.

You sound so broken and exhausted, I wish I could give you a massive hug. Not that it would help though, I know. It's a shitter isn't it all the post pregnancy stuff - my nails went all flimsy and all split and my hair is lank, my skin is dry, my tummy is stuck at looking 2-3 months pg and my energy is through the floor. Periods gone bananas too and I am being a cowbag to my family. As if the actual loss part wasn't enough.

How is your DD doing now? Is she still talking about her brother?

Twolittleboys you have articulated it perfectly.

Butterfly thank you. I feel like I need to do this positive thing.

I went to a sands meeting last night, it was heartbreaking, sad and uplifting all at the same time. I feel strangely better afterwards.

I'm finding the physical stuff hard, I'm frustrated that it is taking a while to get back to my normal fitness levels. I forget that I delivered ds only 3 weeks ago. I need to be kinder to myself.

Dd1 is talking about ds a lot and it has also lead into us being able to tell her all,about dd2 as well so she is talking about her Angel babies a lot atm.

Big hugs to you Kitty - be kind to yourself

Well that was harder than I thought.

Everything baby related is out of the loft and strewn over our spare room. Dd1 has dug out some of her old toys (like Sophie giraffe!) and I've put some of her old baby favourites aside, I just can't let them go. Everything else is ready for db and dsil to rummage through and take what they want, everything else will go to charity except the travel system which is decent enough to sell.

I desperately don't want to let it go, now I've seen it all I just want to hold on to it forever. It feels like all our hopes and reams wrapped up in it. I know that doesn't make any sense but that show it feels right now.

It does make sense, totally. Do you have to get rid of it now? Can you not just let DB and SIL have their pick and keep the rest back? I would I think until you're in a slightly better place. You don't have to do anything you're not ready to do, remember that. It's your grief and you can control how you deal with it even though you can't control the grief itself. Even if you don't want to give any of it to your brother. They'll understand x

No I don't have to get rid of it now but it's one of those odd things that is going to hang over me with a dread until it goes.

At the moment it just sits there reminding me. Dh is cleaning up the pushchair, we should be doing that with a smile on our faces telling dd how she used to not sleep in it etc but instead we do it with tears and heavy hearts knowing it'll never be used by another one of our children.

I feel like once it's all gone I can be upset and deal with the fallout, right now it upsets me but I also feel anxious knowing it's got to go at some point.

I guess it's the ripping off a plaster quickly rather than slowly. Either way it's going to hurt, it just might hurt less doing it now and all in one go.

That's true. Once it's done it's over at least. I hope you can get it done and out the house quickly x

You've been on my mind, Kitty.

You and Dh are being unspeakably brave.

All Dds baby stuff is in our house still and I know I have to sort it out but given we lost dc2 a year ago in a couple of weeks, I just can't do it.

Be really gentle with yourself - it's still so early X

Thank you. I think it's knowing it'll all just go to waste if we don't do it.

Db and dsil are coming over tmrw morning to go through it all. Luckily I'm going straight to my counsellor afterwards so at least if I've done a really stupid thing I've got an emotional safety net.

I'm off to see some friends today, my first social gathering. If last time is anything to go by I know it'll be exhausting but I'm looking forward to seeing them

My db and sil came today to take the baby stuff. It wasn't too bad. I managed it without many tears afterwards.

I saw my counsellor this afternoon and let everything out. I was honest with her in that I'm able to do things right on the outside but I'm absolutely falling apart on the inside, I'm not keeping it together really and so she's made a mental health referral for me.

I've had MH issues lo my life and have a variety of diagnoses, some of the old food related issues are creeping back atm.

She told me an analogy about people bobbing the sea and each major thing in life being a wave that hits you and pushes you under, usually you can bob back up, and I've had my fair share of bobbing back up, sometimes you need a life jacket. I think this might be one of those times.

I said when we were ttc ds that another loss would break me, until a week or so ago I thought I might be ok. I think this has broken me. I'll recover, and get better, I'll get back to me. But for now I'm back in the MH system and someone else has to look after me while I can't do it all myself.

It feels shit, and disappointing and I'm pissed off that I can't do it myself but I can't.

I guess everyone has their breaking point, I've reached mine.

Virtual hugs kitty, a hard day. Well done for getting the stuff away. Don't be pissed off about not coping and needing support. You've Been through more recently than most people have to in a lifetime. I think it's a very good thing that you've acknowledged you need help and will be getting it.

Well done for being so honest, it can't have been easy. I like that analogy, I use waves and the sea when trying to explain grief to people too. It makes sense.

Thanks. I feel relieved but also really wrung out today.

I've also just been added to my sil baby shower whatsapp group which in the time it's taken me to take Dd swimming has filled with cheerful chit chat about games, drinks and everyone being 'squeeee' excited about it. I'm really disappointed, I thought she got it, especially as I had to msg her to tell her I wasn't ready to sort through ds stuff.

Normally I'd assume it was an invite to make sure I didn't feel left out, I know it's tricky in these situations, but it was recently a big birthday for her and she didn't bother inviting me to that.

It just feels like 2 vastly different worlds. I've tried really hard, sorting baby stuff for them etc. I guess maybe that has lead to the assumption that all is fine when actually I'm utterly falling apart and just about functioning.

Sorry, that was a bit of a self indulgent rant.

I like the analogy about bobbing up and down and sometimes needing a life jacket. But at the moment the wave must feel like a tsunami and you need rescue boat to drag you out. It does for me.

Like you I've had mh issues in the past and I can feel the same obsessive thoughts creeping back, which I've mentioned to the gp and am now back in the mh system.

You've obviously had a very emotionally draining few days with sorting out the stuff and now the whatsapp group....am surprised she didn't check you wanted to join first. Some people really have no idea of the devastation of a loss unless it's happened to them.

Tsunami is exactly the word my counsellor used and that is pretty much how it feels. I'm a bit better now DH is home, I feel safer somehow, but this afternoon I literally had that feeling of sinking emotionally and not being able to right myself. I'd forgotten how scary it is.

Marmite we could, sadly, be the same person. I'm really sorry you are feeling so bad too but strangely (and please don't take this the wrong way) it makes me feel less weak to know that 2 losses have sent other people into 'crisis' (or whatever you like to call it)

I think I'm more disappointed about that fact that I thought sil 'got' it than the actual baby shower if that makes sense. I told my mum (via email as they're away) and she told me that it's just as hard for them too. I think I know what she means but it couldn't have been more badly worded at all! No, it's tough for them because they don't know what to say but at the end of the day they are having their 'babymoon' staycation, organising a baby shower, getting all excited with their friends and ultimately will get to bring home a beautiful, healthy, live baby. We don't. We get a service (that I can't face) and a plaque to go next to our other dead baby's. That's in not way comperable.

I think part of the reason I'm struggling is because I've always been really close to my family and now I feel like a bit of a let down, like the one that failed and is now bringing everyone down at a time where they should all be excited. I think, sadly, I'm going to have to distance myself from them because I don't think I can take insensitive comments atm.

I'm sorry, I sound like such a bitter horrid old bitch. I can normally manage to be up beat and see even a tiny positive in something but I just can't atm, I guess that's partly how I know I'm getting ill again.

You are recognising the 'slide' down to the illness though.....you know the signs prob through the therapy, and that's a good thing. It's easier to start the climb back up when you know how your brain works and when you can step back and recognise patterns. Would anti'ds help do you think?

My Dm told me recently that I distance from the family when I'm going through a difficult time and she's right....when I'm rock bottom and having obsessive thoughts I have negative thoughts about close friends and family and find it easier to find support from people I don't know as well.

You don't sound like a horrid bitch. The bitter anger is part of the grieving process. You are normal.....and coping better than many people would after trauma like this.

By the way Kitty, hospital rang today - results are in and we are meeting consultant on Monday.

Yeah you're right, I've noticed the slide before anything bad has happened. And def through therapy and getting to know myself properly.

I have a bipolar II diagnosis (along with eating disorders and possibly borderline personality disorder) so I'm not allowed anti ds as they send me loopy. Hopefully the gp will prescribe me my old mood stabilisers but when I was last having them they had to be prescribed by a consultant pdoc.

Apparently the cmht won't see me without being medicated which I've never heard before!

That's good news about the results, and also scary I imagine. Monday is pretty quick so I guess a silver lining is not too long to wait and worry. How are you feeling? Is there something you 'hope' it is or def don't want it to be? (Sorry if that's an odd question, I think I want it to be a placental/cord failure or something structural wrong with Leo rather than something I could have done something about like an infection, even though I know I couldn't do anything about it. Dunno if that makes sense!)

Kind of hoping for thyroid or blood clotting I guess so there is an option to try and better things if we decided to try again.....which we won't anyway. But I can imagine they will say no cause found as was just one of those things. Who knows.

I have ocd in the form of repetitive obsessive thoughts... something gets stuck in my head like a cracked record....and is triggered by traumatic events. Prozac used to help - I took it for three years after having pnd and then successfully came off of it with lots of therapy hand-holding to prepare for another pregnancy. Now it's like rewinding back 4 years to those dark pnd days and starting all over again but with no live baby.

Sounds like having the mood stabilisers to hand will be a good idea just in case you need them.

I understand that, it's something that you couldn't have known or avoided but something fixable. I think we will also get a 'no known cause' result which will make no difference really.

Ocd is terrible. I've never suffered but I know someone who does. It's so hard. It's good that you've found meds that work for you.

I know what you mean about being back to 4 years ago, it's more like 5/6 for me. I know it's not exactly the same as going back there but I'm so frustrated that is pretty much cracked 'myself' after almost 10 years of trying and now I've taken a huge step back.