He was supposed to be our rainbow

[KittyandTeal]

After loosing dd2 last year at 22weeks (T18 and a tfmr) I was told I probably couldn't have any more.

I made myself ok with it. It would just be 3 of us.

Then I found out I was pregnant. It has been anxious and stressful. All tests came back clear, found out he was a boy. I had a really good feeling that things would be ok.

Routine antenatal clinic today the doc said at the end of the appointment that he could give me a quick scan if I had time and it wouldn't make me too anxious.

Turns out our baby died, the day after our scan at fmc where everything looked great. No reason they can tell.

I actually don't think I know how to do all this again.

[monkeytree]

Hi Kitty

I'm so sorry for your losses.

You are not a bitter horrid old bitch for distancing yourself from your family, I guess it depends on what your relationship is like with them. I have experienced one late loss at 20 weeks (and have 2 dc) and have become estranged from my mother for over a year now and from my brother and sister in law who had a baby boy a couple of months before my mc. They were never particularly pleasant to me so wasn't going to put myself through the ringer of watching what could have been. Also my mother would feed information about my thoughts and feelings back to them and I felt I had very little choice but to protect myself (and cut contact). I'm not saying you have issues like these or take this course of action (my issues go back a long way with my mother) but what I am saying is try not to be hard on yourself for feeling this way. As soon as I lost ds, I got rid of every reminder down to my maternity clothes or clothes that touched my bump. I still do have a scan photo but couldn't cope with the reminders and that it hidden away somewhere. I even threw some brand new baby clothes I bought for ds in the bin such was my anger - I didn't want anyone else wearing what my ds should have been wearing. My mother is keeping a bag of baby clothes at her home (but obviously I haven't seen her). I asked her to give them to a local charity shop - she lives 40 minutes from me but she said she would hold on to them 'just in case' - I have fertility issues so unlikely to have any more dc and this seems disrespectful of my wishes. I feel really annoyed that she has not respected my wishes and for some reason the thought of those baby clothes sat in a bag which I might one day come across bothers me. I have also experienced depression and pnd in the past but I seem to be stuck in an all prevailing grief and feel broken almost as if I am existing on another planet, another lonely planet as I have no-one in real life who gets this. I think I will take ads. eventually (and have some in my kitchen cupboard) but holding onto a tiny shred of hope that there could be another dc. (extremely unlikely) which is probably stopping me from facing the full force of my grief at the moment.

[KittyandTeal]

I'm sorry for your loss monkey. It's so hard.

It must be especially hard with family like that.

Mine are usually brilliant, we're all close and they have helped me through my breakdown and the loss of dd2. It just seems that db and dsils baby coming has changed things. Like they don't want to deal with both and so they're choosing the nicer option. I guess it just hurts a bit.

I'm absolutely sure they'd all be horrified if they knew this is how I feel but I can't change it.

[proudmom135]

I'm so sorry about your loss and I know how painful it is! Even the doc didn't have any clue why it happened, therefore, this is really something that can't be avoided.

I hope that you'll be recovering soon. You can also keep yourself busy by looking for a hobby or rather, focus on your husband and children.

[KittyandTeal]

Thank you proud. My hobby atm is running which really helps keep things a bit more balanced.

My GP made an urgent referral yesterday so I should have to wait too long for an assessment. I have a session booked with my counsellor so I'm feeling a bit better about it.

I over did things yesterday taking Dd to soft play, docs then skipping her nap for a play date. In the end I was shattered and so was she. I've planned a relaxing day at home with a possible visit from a very supporting friend which will be great.

My period has arrived and although I'm ok with it emotionally physically it's very painful and heavy. I'm also getting my endo pain again so I guess my pregnancy didn't last long enough to help clear some of that away.

[KittyandTeal]

So talking of running...I've just been given a sands charity place for a 10k in July.

Exciting and scary. I need raise £200!!!

It's one of the positive things that have happened recently though.

[marmiteontoast76]

Well done Kitty. Pm me the link to your sponsor page when it's up and running. X

[KittyandTeal]

You are very sweet. Thank you xx

[ChatEnOeuf]

Same - I'd be proud to sponsor you. While I was overseas and couldn't use many of their services, they have helped so many of my friends.

[KittyandTeal]

Ah that's chat. I'll pm you. Xx

[KittyandTeal]

Sorry, that should've been thanks!

[KittyandTeal]

Wow, well I've got my £200 target for my run within a day which is awesome.

I think I'm feeling a bit better today and yesterday, mainly because I've not done much, had a friend over and done a fun swim with dd.

I just had a very quick call from the mh team asking for my ethnicity and said they'd call me back shortly, that was hours ago! I'm kind of on tender hooks waiting for their call now.

[KittyandTeal]

I went out with DH and Dd today. I don't believe in woo or 'white feathers' signs from lost babies.

However, it's been exactly 1 month since I gave birth and this morning, all morning, there was a rainbow halo around the sun. It made me smile, I know it's a coincidence but it's a happy one non the less.

[KittyandTeal]

So Leo's service was lovely (as these things can be) short and quiet. I feel a little better after as I've managed a good old cry.

I saw a psychiatrist today for an assessment. We went round in circles for an hour and a half, most of it was meaningless. I didn't think he was listening at all. However, at the end after arguing about medication and saying I'd basically not take anything with a weight gain side effect, he asked if I thought what I'd suffered was a trauma. I said yes of cause it is. It's been traumatic.

He mentioned ptsd. I shrugged, thought back to my psych degree and thought nope, bollocks to that.

I've just read about it and it bloody well fits! Fuck.

[Bonbonelperro]

Hi Kitty, I haven't posted on your thread before but I have been thinking of you, and I'm really sorry for your losses. I'm glad the service went as well as it could. Does the potential for it to be PTSD give you any ideas on things to help you get through it, in terms of treatment approaches?

[Itsalwayssunny]

Glad Leo's service went as well as these things can. I've been thinking of and Leo. I didn't post before about it but my dp dsis was due three weeks before me and it was really hard when her baby was born after we lost DS, please pm if you want to talk about that now, or later when the baby arrives. You are doing so well Kitty even if you don't think so yourself. Just keep taking each day at a time x

[KittyandTeal]

Thank you both.

Bonbon, strangely it seems the treatment for ptsd is pretty much what I've been doing; talking, waiting and sitting with it, exercise to help with the anger/adrenaline and talking in groups about the experiences which I've been doing in sands groups.

It sounds like it's a keep going and wait until it all comes out case really. At some point my brain will be ready but I can't force it (which I've been trying to do a bit).

I can take medication but because of my eating disorder and bipolar I can't take antidepressants and I refuse to take meds with weight gain side effects (which most mood stabilisers seem to have) so the psychiatrist is working on my options.

My wonderful dh has done the last of the sorting of baby clothes for dsil so my dm can take it up lathering the week. He said he found it harder than he thought but I couldn't face it, it was making me feel sick.

Thank you sunny. Dsil and db baby is due very soon, a food few months before Leo was due but I know it's still going to be hard. I actually can't even think about it atm, the brain blocking and numbness might come in handy when the baby arrives.