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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

He was supposed to be our rainbow

266 replies

KittyandTeal · 07/03/2016 18:22

After loosing dd2 last year at 22weeks (T18 and a tfmr) I was told I probably couldn't have any more.

I made myself ok with it. It would just be 3 of us.

Then I found out I was pregnant. It has been anxious and stressful. All tests came back clear, found out he was a boy. I had a really good feeling that things would be ok.

Routine antenatal clinic today the doc said at the end of the appointment that he could give me a quick scan if I had time and it wouldn't make me too anxious.

Turns out our baby died, the day after our scan at fmc where everything looked great. No reason they can tell.

I actually don't think I know how to do all this again.

OP posts:
AButterflyLightsBesideUs · 14/03/2016 10:09

Little children do the repetition thing as they try and absorb and understand big things, but it's very hard on you having to go over the same painful ground repeatedly.

I agree with Chat, simple explanations as truthful as possible was what we did too (DD was 4.5 yo so a bit older). It was slightly different for us because she didn't know I was pregnant so we kept the loss from her as we went through it, and we had DS buried right next to DD1 and then that day we collected DD from school and took her to the cemetery to gently show her the new grave and explain what had happened. Possibly easier for us as we knew what was wrong and why he had died. We explained that his brain hadn't grown and so he couldn't live. And we said we were sorry, that we'd been really looking forward to telling her she would be a big sister, and that mummy & daddy were very sad.

She wanted to know if I had kissed him goodbye, and if he had a blanket/nappy/toys in the grave etc. We came home and she asked to look at the scan pictures of DD1, herself and DS so we got them all out to look at and we talked about the problems DS had (which you could see on the scan). She got upset, and she cried and I cried and we had a big cuddle and I told her it's ok to be sad because it is very sad. She cried again at bedtime but since then has been very matter of fact about it all, explaining brightly to my dad about "the baby who couldn't live because half it's brain was missing!"

She's a sweetheart and if I seem upset she will often pat me and ask if I am sad about "those babies that are dead?" She picks flowers/weeds for me and says "these are for Bobbie and these are for the baby boy to help you remember" (they have to have separate glasses of flowers!). For valentine's day they made cards at school for their parents and inside it she drew me, DH and herself and carefully explained to me as she gave it to me that she "just drawed me and not those other babies because they are dead".

It's funny, she's ever so blunt yet also very sensitive if that makes sense? I think we should all be really proud of ourselves for teaching our children that it's ok to talk frankly and honestly about death and babies that have died. I often think the children are better adjusted and better at it all than most of my adult family/friends.

It sounds like you are handling it just brilliantly for her, and getting her keyworker on board to help is an excellent idea. It's difficult about the service. Can you ask your specialist midwife today on her thoughts on toddler siblings? I can completely understand what you mean about wanting it to be a safe space for you to be however you need to be without having to worry about protecting and helping her. An option if you felt it would be too hard to have her there would be to have the service and later with her and DH go and let her choose some flowers or a little ornament to take to the Sands garden and be her goodbye time/gift to her little brother?

Thinking of you.

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 14/03/2016 10:55

Thank you butterflies. That post has made me cry and laugh, only because your Dd sounds just like ours, so blunt but the bluntness is care.

I spoke to DH about the service and he very much feels he doesn't want her there so I think we will take her up to the sands garden and show her the place people remember their babies. That seems like a good compromise tbh.

OP posts:
Itsalwayssunny · 14/03/2016 18:39

I think taking dd1 to the Sands garden sounds like a lovely idea Kitty. Can be something special for just the 3 of you to do to remember Rose and Leo x

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 14/03/2016 19:00

Yeah we need to start taking her and talking to her about it now she has a bit more of an understanding.

My counsellor/midwife reassured me today that as long as we're being honest and trying to answer her questions then we are doing the right thing by her and that as she grows up and her understanding changes she will start building her own story of our babies

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Itscurtainsforyou · 14/03/2016 21:17

That's what we did. Had the funeral just the two of us, then took our little boy to the baby garden at the cemetery a few days later.

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 15/03/2016 16:10

Yeah I think that's a good idea. I think it will help her too.

I've seen my specialist midwife today and I think I'm going to go back seeing her privately as a counsellor again. I feel so much better being able to say all these things in my head and have someone say 'that's normal'. She's given me confidence that I can do it again and that I'll come out ok.

Dh is very stroppy today. He's obviously very angry (as am I) but he won't show his emotions, I think he feels like I need to come first and so he hides it all away and tells me he's ok. I tied myself up in knots last time worrying about him and how he was dealing (or not dealing) with things. Now I know, he's a grown adult and I can't make him deal with things in a certain way. I'm back to not knowing how to help him though.

OP posts:
Itsalwayssunny · 18/03/2016 18:35

I won't ask if you're doing ok because it's a stupid question but I've been thinking of you Kitty x

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 18/03/2016 18:47

Thank you.

I have to say I'm feeling a bit more human today. Antibiotics have finished and my bleeding is pretty much stopped. I had a huge meltdown last night, the kind of foot stamping 'I just want to be normal with a normal family like everyone else' kind of thing. I feel better for it today and I know we're not not normal but just a bit of a different family now, which sucks but I know long term we'll be OK.

I've hit that 'somethings missing' empty feeling now which is just sad.

Sorry that was a bit of a blurt it all out. Thanks though

OP posts:
Itsalwayssunny · 18/03/2016 19:01

Don't apologise! Blurt it out as much as you need to.

Glad you are feelinga bit better. Meltdowns are totally acceptable sometimes we have to get to that point before we can actually have a proper release on how we feel.

You'll find your new normal, I always tell myself that and I am definitely still adjusting to my new normal so take your time.

That empty feeling is horrible, I know nothing I can say can make that better so instead I'll just send hugs. X

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 19/03/2016 13:01

Thank you.

Today I'm just feeling really sad, no tears, no anger just a pressing feeling of sadness at what could/should have been.

I feel a bit like Dr Suess 'many coloured days' atm!

OP posts:
Brenna24 · 19/03/2016 13:11

I am still mostly at that pressing sadness stage after 5 months. I hope yours doesn't last as long.

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 19/03/2016 13:40

I'm not sure tbh. It's how I felt generally (some days were much better than others) after loosing dd2 so I don't see that this will be much different.

I am going to be going back to see my counsellor so I'm hoping that will help a bit

OP posts:
Tollygunge · 19/03/2016 13:56

I found after 6 months I climbed out of that awful grief pit each time, though obvs I relapsed sometimes. I'm not even sure if grief counsellors will see you before this point as I think that's how long it takes us. Much love xxxx

Tollygunge · 19/03/2016 13:56

Just seen you're already seeing someone, hope it's helping X

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 19/03/2016 14:11

Thank you tolly. Yea I'm lucky in that she is the same counsellor that I saw after loosing dd2, she's also been quite involved with my pregnancy with ds so I have a very good relationship with her.

Often I think they advise you to leave it 6 weeks or so but I my case I already know what I am struggling with and what is likely to come up after dd2 so she's happy for us to just keep going.

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ChatEnOeuf · 19/03/2016 21:06

That's so good she is already there for you and knows you. I hope it will help you through. I'm glad the physical side is settling.

I remember acutely that empty arms feeling. For me, friends with newborns (I know a lot) really helped. A chance to talk and to cuddle a baby, odd as that seems. You can get weighted teddy bears too, something physical to hold. I have two, a keepsake for DD which is her birth weight, and one that's the same weight as DS was.

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 19/03/2016 21:13

I've seen those weighted teddies. They look great.

I didn't have that empty arms feeling and still don't. Instead I have an empty feeling in my chest, like there's a hole there. The feeling always there but it gets better or worse depending on how I feel. It's really hard to describe. I hadn't even fully registered it until my counsellor pointed out that I put my hand just below my collar bone in the centre whenever I'm upset about dd2. I often find myself with both hands there when I'm remembering them both now. I sleep with their sands bears pressed up against that spot.

It sounds really weird but I'm guessing some of you guys will totally understand it!

OP posts:
JoMalones · 19/03/2016 21:17

My 4 year old struggled to understand as asked when the baby was going to grow again, why was the seed not working properly etc. We tried a few books which seemed to help..... The first two are board books, the others just paperback
no matter what,
the velveteen rabbit,
Duck, death and the tulip
Michael Rosen's Sad Book

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 20/03/2016 08:08

Thank you Jo. We have no matter what is dd2s memory box so I might try that.

She has stopped asking and talking about it so much now, I think the basic explaination might have sunk in now.

I'm sure tee will be lots more when we see sil who is 35 weeks.

OP posts:
TeamEponine · 23/03/2016 08:31

Hey Kitty. Just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking of you and your family. Flowers

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 23/03/2016 08:41

Thank you. I've had a rough few days, yesterday's counselling session really took it out of my and I've been in a bit of a haze.

I'm a little better today, Dd off to preschool so I have some yoga planned which will hopefully help.

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marmiteontoast76 · 23/03/2016 08:59

Hi Kitty. I had counselling session yesterday too and it completely wiped me out. Still mentally tired today too.

Hope the yoga calms your mind.

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 23/03/2016 09:56

Thanks. The yoga has worked a bit.

I forgot how exhausting counselling is in the first few months. Towards the end, when I'd made breakthroughs and was getting ready to finish it was energising and uplifting. Atm it's like a horrendous brain dump with just enough time to scrape myself together again before God gout into the world.

My dd1s keyworker commented today that I'm looking tired. That's generous of her, I look awful. I look tired, drawn, haggard. I have spots (I'm hoping they're hormonal and will go soon) and purple smudges under my eyes, I'm looking old and wrinkled. I have the cortisol tum and I'm considerably more 'doughy' than I was before Christmas.

It is what it is but it's bloody frustrating too.

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Original poster
KittyandTeal · 31/03/2016 13:36

I haven't been on her for a little while but I guess I felt it was the best place to come back to.

I've arranged to sort through and give pretty much all of our baby stuff away next week. I'm wobbling about it.

It's going to my db and dsil, they're due in 4 weeks so I can't delay it until im ready, I want them to have it, it needs to go, it's stupid that they buy tonnes of stuff and we have perfectly good stuff up in our loft rotting away.

Still, I'm wobbling and could do with a hand hold or someone to hand me a grip. Either way!

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twolittleboysonetiredmum · 31/03/2016 13:47

Ah kitty, I've not posted before but have read your threads about both your babies. I'm so sorry for both your losses and just wanted to offer out a hand to hold and an ear to rant at. You're doing the right thing in giving your baby's things a home. It must be bloody awful especially if you feel time is pressuring you to do it. But I think one day you'll be happy that another baby is using it especially a niece/nephew. Hard as it is now. Keep strong, bag it up and pass it on. Thinking of you.