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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

He was supposed to be our rainbow

266 replies

KittyandTeal · 07/03/2016 18:22

After loosing dd2 last year at 22weeks (T18 and a tfmr) I was told I probably couldn't have any more.

I made myself ok with it. It would just be 3 of us.

Then I found out I was pregnant. It has been anxious and stressful. All tests came back clear, found out he was a boy. I had a really good feeling that things would be ok.

Routine antenatal clinic today the doc said at the end of the appointment that he could give me a quick scan if I had time and it wouldn't make me too anxious.

Turns out our baby died, the day after our scan at fmc where everything looked great. No reason they can tell.

I actually don't think I know how to do all this again.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyandTeal · 09/03/2016 17:58

Thank you all. I'm sorry for your loss monkey. Loosing a baby is the worst thing ever.

I'm struggling with the shock of it all tbh and already the not knowing why is bothering me.

I'm dreading tmrw. I'm not scared, I know what will happen, I guess I just want to keep pretending nothing is wrong.

Last time I found comfort in messages from friends and flowers etc. This time I just feel sheer anger. I want to close my door, lock my DH, dd1 and I in and never leave again. I don't know how to go back out into the world as a mother of more dead children than live ones.

I can't do this.

OP posts:
ChatEnOeuf · 09/03/2016 19:16

Flowers Hide in for a little while, that's okay. Look after yourself and cuddle your DD1. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Itsalwayssunny · 09/03/2016 19:43

Lock that door and take all the time you need Kitty. Those that care will understand and those that don't can sod off as you do not need to be concerned with anyones feelinga but yours for as long as you need. Now is the time to be selfish and just look after yourself, dh and dd1.

My ds was born in July at 23 +5 and died shortly after and we were never given a reason so I really understand how hard it is to accept when you don't know why this awful thing has happened to you. Please PM if you want to talk.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Puggleface · 09/03/2016 20:24

Kitty, i don't think we've spoken but I've read your story whilst lurking. I don't know what to say, but echo all that has been previously said. Life is so cruel and I wish with all my heart that bad things didn't happen to good people! Know that you are not alone, there are so many MNers here for you. I'm so pleased your hospital has such strong connections with sands and all of the right people are around you. I will be thinking of you and Leo tomorrow and will be sending you strength. Xxx

5madthings · 09/03/2016 20:27

Oh kitty lock that door, and if you feel angry then rant and rave, you have every right to be angry.

I so wish there was something I could say, anything to bring you some comfort.

I hope tonight brings you some sleep and that everything goes as smoothly as it can do tomorrow.

Love and strength xxxx

Trooperslane · 09/03/2016 20:27

Just checking in, Kitty.

Was up at 4 Shock for an early flight and I'm about to fall over but sending love.

Deep breaths if you need them and I'll be checking this thread to see if I can help.

X

Trooperslane · 09/03/2016 20:28

You know, you will be able to do it, because you will. X

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 09/03/2016 20:41

Thank you all. It's strange how comforting the words and thoughts of strangers are (although a good few of you don't feel like strangers anymore)

Troopers you are right. I can do it simply because I bloody well have to. I have no choice.

I've already had the 'you're so strong and brave' message from one friend, I know she means well but I'm not bloody strong or brave, I have no choice. I have to get through it because I have no other option.

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hopinghopefullyagain · 09/03/2016 21:05

Just to say that I will be thinking of you tomorrow. It's rubbish and nothing I can say will make it better. But I'm thinking of you

RJnomore1 · 10/03/2016 00:00

Kitty my love you are right you will get through this because you have to, there is no other choice. But in time choice will come back into your life.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and j remain so so sorry at all you have lost and so useless at articulating my support.

Xxx

VagueIdeas · 10/03/2016 00:04

Oh Kitty, I remember you from way back and I always see you being so lovely and supportive to other posters. I'm so very sorry.

Strokethefurrywall · 10/03/2016 00:10

I'm so sorry for your news - what a truly horrendous time for you and your OH.

Wishing you so much strength and love at this time Thanks

TeamEponine · 10/03/2016 08:22

Thinking of you today, Kitty Flowers

TwentyTinyToes · 10/03/2016 08:50

Another one thinking of you Flowers

DramaAlpaca · 10/03/2016 10:38

Thinking of you too Flowers

GaryWilmotsWedding · 10/03/2016 10:57

I'm totally lost for words, Kitty. As others have said, life is so incredibly cruel. You have given your time and advice so generously to others (myself included) and it feels incredibly unjust - to put it mildly - that this should happen once to you...twice is just unimaginable. I wish there was something, anything I could say to convey how sorry I am and how much I wish I/we/anyone could help. I know there is nothing anyone can do, but hope you are buoyed up in some way by the messages here. Keep checking in when you can. There is support here and in lots of places when you feel ready to engage. Don't worry if that day takes a long time to come - check out of life for a while if you need to, people will understand. You can and you will do this.

Flowers for Leo, for you, your DH and your DD.

JoMalones · 10/03/2016 11:09

Thinking of you today Kitty and your little Leo. What a truly shit thing to happen to such a lovely person. You don't deserve this. I hope today is quick and painless (physical pain at least) Thanks

Trooperslane · 10/03/2016 12:37

Checking in again. And the brave and strong chat annoyed me too - you have no choice but to get through it.

Sad

Flowers and Wine for tonight.

Babyh200 · 10/03/2016 12:59

Thinking of you and your precious babies so much today Kitty x

5madthings · 10/03/2016 13:43

Thinking of you kitty xxx much love to you xxx

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 10/03/2016 14:14

Thanks everyone. I'm finally in after a bit of a delay.

Just had the first set of meds to kick things off so now it's just a long and boring waiting game.

I feel like I'm standing in one side of something knowing it's all about to get painful and then really bad. I don't quite feel ready for it.

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Dextyboo · 10/03/2016 15:41

Oh Kitty what a difficult day. Try and focus on getting to the end of it. All being well this part will be over with by the end of the day. You will get to meet little Leo and have some time with him and i hope you dont have to wait too long.

I remember it all too well it's horrible you have to go through this again. Words cant explain how sorry i am for you. I hope it passes quickly.

Trooperslane · 10/03/2016 15:54

Make sure they max out the pain relief.

Though when similar happened to me at 14 weeks everything happened really fast - didn't have time for any, which in a way was a blessing.

I'm getting all teary remembering... and I can't believe you're having to do this again, Kitty. Life is very, very unfair. x

FoggyBlue · 10/03/2016 16:13

I have nothing helpful or of substance to add except that I am thinking of you. You'll get through this because there isn't an alternative.

Nothing helped us last year but time and tears and talking...and I actually found it so hard. I said over and over that if someone could guarantee that I'd feel ok again in 6 months I could start putting the days down but if course it doesn't work like that. It's so hard to have to face that again. If you don't feel like seeing people, don't. People sometimes help and sometimes don't.

Keeping you all in my thoughts.

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 10/03/2016 17:58

Thank you all.

He has been born, I just had gas and air and it was pretty quick so small mercies.

We've seen him and taken photos. He is really tiny and looks so different to dd2.

I've had a good cry with DH. I'm feeling alright atm which I didn't expect.

Thank you everyone. I know that the next few months will be pretty horrific. I just need to remember to take my own advice and let myself feel things when I feel then and not try and be strong and brave.

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