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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

He was supposed to be our rainbow

266 replies

KittyandTeal · 07/03/2016 18:22

After loosing dd2 last year at 22weeks (T18 and a tfmr) I was told I probably couldn't have any more.

I made myself ok with it. It would just be 3 of us.

Then I found out I was pregnant. It has been anxious and stressful. All tests came back clear, found out he was a boy. I had a really good feeling that things would be ok.

Routine antenatal clinic today the doc said at the end of the appointment that he could give me a quick scan if I had time and it wouldn't make me too anxious.

Turns out our baby died, the day after our scan at fmc where everything looked great. No reason they can tell.

I actually don't think I know how to do all this again.

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 08/03/2016 10:14

I'm so, so sorry. Sending you love and support.

sparechange · 08/03/2016 10:16

Oh kitty, I don't have the words
I'm so so sorry from the bottom of my heart
You have been such a rock of strength to so many posters who have suffered loss, so this is just too unfair for words
Thanks and unMN hugs

TheDisillusionedAnarchist · 08/03/2016 10:19

I am so unbelievably sorry to hear this. I can't imagine the devastation, I really can't. Thinking of you all

DangerMouth · 08/03/2016 10:47

I'm very sorry to read this Kitty Flowers

spankhurst · 08/03/2016 10:50

So, so sorry, you poor thing. Flowers

Itsalwayssunny · 08/03/2016 11:54

Kitty you were my first thought this morning. I am so glad you dh can take the time off so you can support one another. Be kind to yourselves and just take it hour by hour. Anger is totally normal. Embrace it and go with it. You are allowed to feel however the hell you want to.

I'm glad you have supportive care from the hospital.

I'm just so sorry for you x

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 08/03/2016 12:11

Thanks everyone.

I'm back from taking the first pill. Bit different to last time as they took tonnes of blood to see if they can find out what went wrong.

My specialist midwife did say that she wondered if something major and sudden had happened as he was so 'healthy' the day before he died.

I'm veering between 'why?' And all its variations, anger and complete emptiness atm. I just feel like I've got nothing more to give in terms of grief. I know it'll come but it's only just been a year, I feel utterly spent.

OP posts:
nannyplumislostinspace · 08/03/2016 15:02

Flowers I'm thinking of you.

Brenna24 · 08/03/2016 15:22

I am so sorry. Flowers

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 08/03/2016 16:31

I forgot how grim the hormone suppressant makes you feel. I'm already hot but shivering and splitting headache. Didn't feel like this until I was almost in labour last time.

Think it might be working a bit quicker this time. Just hope it'll hold off until Thursday. I don't fancy a quick dash to hospital.

I'm just empty and numb atm. And tired, really, really tired.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 08/03/2016 16:43

So sorry for you all Thanks

FraterculaArctica · 08/03/2016 16:48

I cannot imagine how hard it must be to cope with all the waves of physical and emotional blows you must be feeling right you - it's not surprising you are utterly wrung out. I wish I could say something more helpful but you remain in my thoughts x

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 08/03/2016 16:51

Thanks.

Atm I'm just trying to get through the physical stuff. Headache and sickness which I know is a really common side effect. It's horrid knowing what's coming. I'm not worried about the pain because I know I'll cope and if I don't then the morphine worked well last time. It's the feeling so ill and hot and cold that I hate.

I just want it to be over now. And I feel guilty that I'm not as sad as I was last time. I'm just done.

OP posts:
JoMalones · 08/03/2016 17:01

I'm so so sorry for your loss kitty. I'm another who ha been touched by your posts and support to others (and myself). I'm so sorry you're having to go through another loss. I hope it is quick and painless physically xxThanks

Loki17 · 08/03/2016 18:58

Thinking of you. There are no words. Flowers

ChatEnOeuf · 08/03/2016 19:02

I hope you're managing the physical side. What a lovely gesture from your doctor, that kindness can make a real difference at such an awful time. I glad you have that compassion surrounding you, and that your DH can be there.

The grief will come, just like the ocean, in its unpredictable waves. And you will swim, whatever it takes to do so.

A lovely thing to want to get involved with SANDS, they will be lucky to have you.

I'm at the end of a pm if you want to talk.

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 08/03/2016 19:15

Thank you. I've taken pain killers for the headache. I'm managing ok. I'm a bit woozy so hopefully I'll sleep better tonight.

Chat thank you, you have such a comforting way with words. You're right, grief is just like waves. I guess I'm waiting for the first onslaught, that raw, heart wrenching grief, there's nothing quite like it.

Thursday will be the big day. A horridly familiar day i think.

OP posts:
Babyh200 · 08/03/2016 20:01

Oh no Kitty, I'm so gutted for you, I read your story a while back and lurk rather than post much on MN these days.
It's so utterly unfair how cruel life can be. My baby boy died in July 2012 just 5 days before my planned c-section. The not knowing why drove me insane, he was so perfect and ready for the world at a podgy 8lbs 11oz. I analysed everything I did over and over because I needed a reason so I could rationalise it somehow.
I have since been blessed with a rainbow daughter, but then had a MMC at 12 1/2 weeks in 2014. I got through my MMC by reminding myself that nothing could be worse than losing my son. The only thing that really helps is time, you will get through this, I'm just so very sorry that you have to. A wise old MNer once told me, just to take one day, one hour and even one minute at a time. Thinking of you so much x

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 08/03/2016 20:17

Baby what an awful time you've been through. I cannot imagine the pain of loosing a baby so close to term.

With dd2 I found it hard to accept that her T18 was chance but having a reason and knowing how poorly she was strangely helped. So far all we know is that Leo was perfect and healthy. Even the doc was shocked that he'd died.

I am back to one hour at a time and veering from one emotion to another. I know time will help, I thought I would always feel like this with dd2 but now I know you come out the other end and find a new normal. I guess I'm just dreading the process and the time it will take.

OP posts:
FraterculaArctica · 09/03/2016 14:31

I hope you got a bit more sleep last night Kitty x

Original poster
KittyandTeal · 09/03/2016 14:44

Yeah I did. I actually slept really well. The same thing happened afte dd2, the doc warned be about not sleeping being something to expect but I slept really well for months.

Think it's just the emotional drain.

I'm pretty low and pissed off today interspersed with tears. I've had lovely flowers from work which is lovely of them but it's just reminded me that they did exactly the same thing just over a year ago. This shouldn't be happening again.

OP posts:
Vixxfacee · 09/03/2016 14:47

Kitty I've seen your threads but have never spoken to you.

I am so so sorry for the loss of your darling baby Leo. Flowers

whamfan · 09/03/2016 14:57

Flowers I'm so sorry for your losses.

Livefortoday1 · 09/03/2016 16:58

I am so sorry and sad for the loss of your boy. Devastated for you. Sending you so much love, strength and courage in the coming days and weeks xxx

monkeytree · 09/03/2016 17:44

Kitty, so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby Leo. There are no words are there. I lost a little boy at 20 weeks a year ago and my consultant was completely shocked as a scan the week before did not indicate a massive problem (although he was measuring small). Complete shock and devastation. My thoughts are with you. Also sorry to hear about other ladies losses too. mt x