Hand holding please

[wifey6]

Got back from our scan- should be 12+2 only to be told our baby had stop growing at 7 weeks. I had had browny/red bleeding the previous day & since this afternoon its got more frequent, clots, pains in legs & back. Sorry TMI- but I felt pressure & when I wiped there was what looked like a browny sac. Could that be the sac my baby was in? I'm still finding this so surreal & it's such a painful process.

Moln.....thank you so much for your kind words. I did light a candle as Maples suggested....watching it flicker was actually really calming- will be doing that regularly when I need to. MN has been a great safe haven for me.
My DH has been great tonight when I was upset....although a few days ago was upset & said he don't want to hear about it again. But tonight he has opened up a little- which has helped me too. You ladies have such a strength I admire...just wish it wasn't for these reasons.

Checking in after a week away on holiday...surprised myself with how 'normal' I could be to ensure my DS had a lovely time..but still broke down quite a few times & had a very down day on Wednesday. Now back home & back to work...I'm having a very sad day today...thinking of the life my baby should of had. I can't shake those feelings when they grip me...& then they pass. Sometimes lasting a few minutes...sometimes hours. they take me to 'dark places' in my mind & it actually worries me.
I read a post that said there will always be a part of you that is sad...& I couldn't agree more

wifey6 - I totally get what you are saying. I too feel dark clouds descending on me and a need to grieve -- and then they pass. I no longer have a sense of 'normalcy'. What does it really mean to be normal?

How long has it been for you womanlytales?

Welcome home wifey! Did you manage to enjoy it despite your down moments? how about DH?

Hi Goofymum....thank you. I enjoyed the quality time as a family & my DH was really supportive- different to how he had been at home. It has done us all good to be away but the sadness never left me- which I naively thought it might. How are you & your DH feeling now?

I feel alot stronger now, mentally and physically. I cannot believe it's been just over a week since I went thru my A&E ordeal and lost all that blood, and around 2 weeks ago the whole thing started. Sometimes it feels as tho it never happened, ie I was never pregnant, which is sad. Emotionally I am still fragile but it doesn't leave me in tatters anymore. I still do cry at night but it's nice to have that outlet where I can indulge my grief without upsetting anyone else. I have energy again which feels good. DH is fine!
Wifey, take each day a step at a time and allow yourself to feel these feelings. Keep talking, I have found it the biggest help of all x

So glad you are doing so well. It does sometimes feel like the last 3 months of pregnancy never happened.
Why am I struggling so much...I'm trying so hard to be normal.

I remember someone once telling a friend of mine who had a stillborn DD that there is no timetable for grief. Everyone goes through the stages at different times.
Have a look at this, I think it's quite useful
www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html
I think you need to give yourself time to go through each stage of grief and not be rushed through it or rush yourself through it. Allow yourself to feel the pain, the sadness, the loss and don't feel as though you need to struggle against it or try to be normal.

Stage 7, acceptance, on this weblink is very useful. It says eventually you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled you that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward. You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

It will happen, wifey, but get there in your own time and according to your own timetable. x

Thank you so much.

Today has felt like a little turning point. My best friend, who I haven't seen since a few days before my scan came for coffee today- the first person other than my mum & the counsellor I have spoken about this all with out loud. I havent been able to find the words. She was amazing...I stopped feeling so alone for those moments. She has also suffered miscarriages so genuinely understood. For the rest of the afternoon I found myself feeling a bit more secure...safe somehow.
I also found myself listing projects to do (to keep busy) & even planting some seeds where my baby is laid to rest. I have to accept (as a lovely poster on another thread said) that there will always be a part of me that is sad...
I still have a cardigan my mum made my baby that I have by me at night (daft I know) but I've sort of created a survival kit for when I need it. Poems, songs, my baby's last scan photo & baby's cardigan.
I'm hoping the busier I am...the more lost in the normal world I will be...it might become easier.

Not sure why I continue to post...I guess it helps to feel I am letting things out. Yesterday should of been our MW appointment to hear our baby's heartbeat
Since Tuesday...have felt very sad again. Functioning during the day & falling apart when my DS goes to bed. DH couldn't be more distant...thinks I should be feeling better by now. Should I? Am I doing something wrong to still feel this way? I try so hard to be a good wife & mummy & always put my feelings last- even now when I know I should be dealing with it.

So sorry maples...didn't mean to upset you. Thank you for your kind, honest reply. It truly means a lot. I feel the same...tormented not knowing if it was a boy or girl..would it look like DS. I couldn't shake those thoughts last weekend.
DH won't talk..bottles everything up & hasn't asked me for nearly 2 weeks if I am ok. So my grieving is done in private..but I want to acknowledge my feelings & my baby.

Hello wifey6, you said you don't know why you have keep posting earlier, but I think you should keep posting as long as you feel you want to. It helps to reach out to others. I haven't been through this myself, although had 2 very difficult pregnancies, but my friend, who I am so close to has.
I just wanted you to know that you sound like such a lovely person and I wanted to send you a great big hug xxxxxxxx

Thank you longlashes...that's really kind of you. Sorry for your friend. This is a cruel club to be a part of. Thank goodness for the lovely ladies like yourself who offer kindness & support...

Ah you are more than welcome wifey6. My friend went thought an awful time but she eventually came out the other side, with lots of support. I am going to keep a check on your thread to see how you are doing. xx hugs to you xx

Thank you so much. I have got in touch with a counsellor...as I have never suffered grief before...& this is so painful. I am really trying. I know many people go through worse...I have read threads on here which are truly heartbreaking...but when it is happening to you personally...it feels the worst.

maples....you are so kind, thank you.
I know this is a controversial topic...but do any of you believe in spiritual mediums?
I have been a believer for many years...& my belief (although may not be for many people) is that the spirit continues..right now it is helping give me comfort & strength.

I do not mean to upset or offend by mentioning the spiritual subject. It is just my belief.

Felt different again today (I can't keep up with these ups & downs). Usually I have music on whilst I work...which I use as an escape really...but felt I needed the peace & quiet..(I work alone for most of the few hours I am at work). Feel I am back in auto-pilot mode....not really stopping. I just want a balance of some sort. I hate feeling out of control-which is how I've been with this whole situation-I cant even control these feelings.
I'm sorry for the endless 'self-pitying' posts. No wonder my DH doesn't want to be around me

You are not self pitying, grief affects people in so many ways. Although I haven't had an mc, I lost someone very close to me 4 years ago now, and when I look back I can't believe the emotions I have gone through to get where I am now, anger, disbelief, numbness, despair, good days and bad days. How my dh put up with me I will never know. Hope today is a little better for you xx