Hand holding please

[wifey6]

Got back from our scan- should be 12+2 only to be told our baby had stop growing at 7 weeks. I had had browny/red bleeding the previous day & since this afternoon its got more frequent, clots, pains in legs & back. Sorry TMI- but I felt pressure & when I wiped there was what looked like a browny sac. Could that be the sac my baby was in? I'm still finding this so surreal & it's such a painful process.

I remember that stage. It passed, but it felt like a very long and horrible stage to be stuck in. I'm now doing a very good impression of being ok, but feel like I'm broken inside and I'll never be the same again.

jodidi....so sorry for you loss. the whole situation is an awful one to be apart of. Are you finding certain things that help?
I have found this thread & support, MN a truly helpful hand of support. I can't thank you all enough for sharing with me & comforting me- even though you have all suffered/suffering the same awful fate.
Today should of been my ERPC...but instead I will be planting seeds to grow where my baby is now laid to rest. I feel at least this way my baby is close by.

Hey wifey x I don't know if the weather by you is as bad as here, hope not for your planting, anything we would plant would be washed away it's that bad!

I'm glad you've found posting supportive, i truly believe it was the only place/people that understood.

foof....I did change my mind about the seeds today. But I did put a small solar light that will shine at night time there instead. How are you doing?

Hey, how are you doing today?
I've found posting on here really does help. As does massive amounts of chocolate, cheesecake and ice cream (once I started eating again). We planted a rose bush which is helping dp, but not me yet as it's still too soon. I am finding being back at work hard in some ways, but I think most of the time it is helping as I just don't have the time to think too much about anything but work, so being busy helps. I'm also coming round to the idea that exercise can help. I normally hate exercise and have to force myself to do any, but this week I've been to the gym twice and am contemplating going again at the weekend.

So really, what is helping me is doing what I want to do at the time. I don't care if anyone finds it self-indulgent (as dp did when I spent all of Saturday in bed leaving him to deal with the kids), right now I think I deserve to be abit self-indulgent and so do you. Do whatever makes you feel better, or take some time to wallow in feeling awful, and don't feel guilty about anything.

Completely agree with Jodidi - be selfish and do what you want when you want, same for your OH too, just get through each day any way you can. It will ease even though now it seems so far off, but I promise you it does x

*....thank you for your message. My DH goes back to work tomorrow so has 'weaned' me in to a bit of normality today by him being out today running errands & me caring for our DS alone for the first time in nearly a week. It feels so odd to me to be doing normal things like making us lunch & cleaning. I'm dreading leaving the house & seeing people & having to be normal- when all I am doing is falling apart inside.

The normal routines help a bit I think. it means you are concentrating on something else for 5 mins and stop thinking about the awfulness.

How's DH feeling?

He was more openly emotional before Tuesday...now he seems to not want to talk too much about it & seems as though his coping mechanism is to get back to normal. I have made it clear to him that although we are coping differently...that's ok. He has been amazing.

When I had my miscarriage my husband never really spoke about it at all, I still wonder if he was trying to be strong for my sake or if he just wasn't nearly as upset as me. Men sometimes have trouble expressing themselves...we never know what's going on in their head (or I don't anyway).

My dp hasn't talked about it at all. He hasn't cried (that I know of), while I've sobbed all over him any number of times. Like MrsHelsBels I don't know if he is being strong for me or if he just doesn't care, I sometimes think he is actually relieved. I am choosing to believe that he is trying to be strong.

Thank you both. Although they are going through it too...it's just in a different way- more emotionally than physically like we have to. DH goes back to work tomorrow & he has told me he is dreading it.
Can I please ask if any of you have sought professional help? The woman at the hospital suggested it & I'm just not sure if it would help.

I didn't have professional help (I'm assuming you mean counselling or similar) as I really didn't think I needed it. I must admit when I returned to work I sobbed for a while though (but part of that might have been that I actually work in the department where I found out things weren't right). I'm very lucky in that my miscarriage was in October & I am already 19 weeks pregnant, don't know how I would have coped if I hadn't fallen so quickly. What would have been my due date is fast approaching & I must admit what would have been is on my mind more.
Sorry I can't be more help but if you find talking on here helpful then talking to a trained professional might help? Maybe you could organise something & see if it helps?

I haven't had any professional help...yet. If I'm still feeling bad in a few weeks then I might consider it, but right now I don't think sobbing at a stranger is going to help me get over it. I'll just keep on pretending to the world that I'm doing fine while I sob whenever I'm alone. Doesn't sound too healthy does it? Maybe professional help should be on my to do list.

Men haven't been the pregnant one with the changes happening, then having to go through the physical act of miscarrying, and the hormones and symptoms still carrying on for a wee while afterwards so it's hardly surprising that they react differently to women.

I wasn't offered any counselling, but I guess after a few months if I felt I needed it I would go to my GP.

Just wanted to say still thinking about you Wifey and so sorry your baby is now gone.
I think the burial and the rosebush is a lovely idea; good you have been able to do this.

Your emotions will be all over the place at the moment, don't place any expectations on yourself.

I dealt with it by going away for a few days on a work trip, then a break with dd and a very drunk family party.
My emotions were massive straight after then slowed down and just still really 'get me' occasionally. (Ours was nearly 5 years ago now and have since had ds)

Dh was very quiet and has had a few times since when he has suddenly really felt it and lost the plot again for a while.
Take care of yourself and remember we are all thinking of you x

Thank you all so much for such kind messages & for opening your hearts & emotion to me during what I can only describe as the worst of my life. Feeling such support I feel has enabled me to at least function & for that I will always be grateful to each one of you.

It really means a lot, doesn't it? I am very grateful to everyone who supported me through mine, so I want to do the same for other people too. It's easier on here too, cos i know people are going/ have been through the same thing, where in real life people don't know quite what to say, especially if they haven't been through it themselves.

Wifey6 I am very sorry for your loss. You mentioned that MN seemed to be your hiding place at the moment and I know exactly what you mean. I am going through a MC, my 2nd, as we speak and I've been on MN loads. The support is fantastic and it just helps that people are going through the same and the same time. You can talk ad infinitum about it here whereas I can't in RL (although I have alot of support I feel I can't keep indulging in talking about it IYSWIM). I too found out on a scan after a little bleeding at 10 1/2 weeks. I have to go back to the hospital later for more blood tests as the HCG levels do not seem to be decreasing. God knows how they're going to get more blood out of me though, I feel so faint from the MC. Wifey do you think you will get some counselling? Worth trying if the hospital suggested it?

goofymum.....so very sorry for your loss. It's the most heartbreaking time. I'm hiding here & behind my online business as its been helping to keep my mind Pre-occupied- its when I stop that the thoughts & tears start. I have found a counselling service local to be which specialise in MC bereavement- like you I don't feel I can keep talking about it to the few people in RL who do know. I also think I want reassurance that the feelings & actions are normal I guess. Please keep posting- the amazing ladies on here helped me every step of the way- even though it must of been hard for them having suffered the same awful fate.

Thanks Wifey. I had more blood tests today and my HCG levels are now decreasing, which is why I finally miscarried properly today I suppose. It's good news in a way because otherwise they said they were going to have to investigate an ectopic. I just feel so empty, literally. On Wednesday I was telling my mum and sister that I'd got past the milestone where I miscarried last time and then the very next day I was bleeding. It's like someone up above was telling me not to be so cocky. I should have been 11 weeks tomorrow.
Like you say it is horrible to read what other's have gone through but it's been comforting knowing that others do understand.
I hope you start to feel your strength return soon, Wifey. Take Care. x

I'm so sorry goodymum....
I too have that empty feeling....it's an awful, hollow feeling.
Posting on here has really helped me realise unfortunately how common this is- & I have read some truly brave stories.
Please keep posting....or PM me if you need someone to talk to.
This truly is heartbreaking.

goofymum - sorry for spelling mistake!

I quite like the name Goodymum! Can I ask, Wifey or anyone else, did you get very faint during your MC? Yesterday when I was in the full throes I was in relatively little pain. The bleeding actually stopped after 5 hours. But this morning I am having labour-like pains in waves and have started to pass clots again. Now I'm really lightheaded and nearly fainted earlier. If you google it it is says to rush to the hospital but I've already had ectopic ruled out (my HCG levels are falling fast and on the scan they couldn't find a baby in the womb but they said it wasn't in the tubes). Surely the lightheadedness is just thru loss of blood? Just need a bit of reassurance.

I did feel very faint...but I had also not eaten for nearly 4 days at the point of MC. I telephoned the EPAC before & afterwards for reassurance & advice. It sounds like it may be worth you calling your local EPAC/A&E. Please keep posting - if you feel up to it.