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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

13wk scan, no heartbeat, MMC, I need help.

161 replies

JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 15:21

I had my scan today and they've explained its a mmc.

I now have 3 options, wait, take some tablets or surgery.

I can't bear to wait, I have a 4 and 3yo who need me to be in the christmas spirit and I can't deal with uncertainty.

I can't bear the tought of the pills and all the pain.

I'm considering the surgery but extremely scared! Can someone talk to me.

I know I sound awful and horrible and selfish but I've had a really fucking horrendous 2yrs and would just like this over and done with quickly so I can move on, but obviously don't want to take a big risk as I'd like another child someday, and I have dcs to consider.

I'm in agony, mentally and just want to vanish into thin air and stop hurting.

OP posts:
tasmaniandevilchaser · 14/12/2011 22:00

Oh Jj, that must be so hard with your SIL. She doesn't get it, I was saying on another thread, people who don't get it are lucky. Just keep trying to smile and if they go on too much at Christmas, just pop to the loo to get away.

It's ok to feel low, it's still very soon after the surgery. If it gets too bad then make sure you have people in RL to turn to, whether it's your GP, counselling, friends, family. I went for a massage after a couple of weeks, it really helped me to feel stronger, I think there was something about getting back into my body after such an awful shock. Quite pricey but worth it for a treat.

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 14/12/2011 22:13

That sounds like a great idea,

I've spoiled myself a bit today and spent my voucher from mumsnet secret santa on a pandora bracelet, I've got a little angel charm to represent my grandma, brother and the baby. And a lovely family one with four little stick people on, I figured some day soon I can buy one for a new baby but for now, my family on earth is just four.

Xxx

OP posts:
JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 14/12/2011 22:42

The pandora bracelet sounds lovely Jj

  • I'm sure anyone on here would be very glad to know what you've chosen with your secret santa voucher x
Original poster
JjandtheBean · 14/12/2011 23:36

My painkillers aren't working to great today and my stupid crapping boilers not heating up well enough to run a bath, seriously feeling sorry for myself now :(

OP posts:
JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 15/12/2011 07:45

Oh, how I hate being without hot water

  • perhaps it might heat up enough if you leave it on all day ? And add water from a kettle (but not necessarily actually boiling water - I usually dilute with a bit of cold to make it less dangerous carrying it upstairs)
I saw a quote on here the other day I thought was good - "However I'm feeling I'm OK" Something like that. You will feel all sorts of emotions but it's OK. You're still there. You're still you. Let them wash over you a little if you can ? HTH
Original poster
JjandtheBean · 15/12/2011 08:47

I can still have showers, but all I want is a bath. Which is typical as I usually hate them!

Just need to ring the boiler man, he did a temp repair whilst we wait on a part, any problems he said to ring imeadiatly, our LL is brilliant wrt to sorting stuff.

Hardly slept last night lots of horrible dreams, dp said I've been crying in my sleep most nights, wish he'd kept that to himself. Some how its made me feel weak.

This probably wasn't helped by the fact me and dp sniped at each other then he fell asleep so I was left seething and upset.

I have councilling at 10, I'm actually nervous as so far, I've not said the words out loud, nor has dp we've texted people, how cowardly.

Ds said he misses me this morning, he wants me to smile and be silly again.

I feel like such a fuck up.

OP posts:
JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 15/12/2011 10:08

Glad to hear you can at least have a shower, and that your boiler is being sorted.

Glad too to hear you have some counseling later - I hope that goes well and is helpful. ( I see you may be there now as I type this - thinking of you)

I hate it when DH is a bit mean just before bedtime and then he goes off to sleep as though nothing has happened and leaves me thinking about it all and upset. I'm usually such a good sleeper too ! Arghhh !

Maybe just tell DS Mummy is a bit sad at the moment but you'll feel happier at Christmas or something like that. It's been a terrible week. Please be kind to yourself and take it easy x

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 15/12/2011 10:19

My councillors not yet shown up. I really hope she does as I coould do with it today.

Me and dp had another bitch at each other in the car, seems he thinks I'm being difficult, I just think he's a twat!

OP posts:
JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 15/12/2011 10:39

Hope she turns up for you soon JJ

Me and DH are always arguing in the car - it's a terrible row hot spot for us - I'd almost buy a second car if I could afford to !

If counselor does turn up maybe mention to her that a friend on here reckons you should be kinder to yourself !

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 15/12/2011 12:37

She showed up at 11, we usually meet at 11 but changed to 10, no idea why. And she forgot, luckily she managed to book another room for another hour so we got to talk.

I was meant to be signed off today but we have another 6mnths now, which I need, its just disheartening.

Feeling very, flat, numb. And ultimately empty.

I'm hoping me and dp can talk tonight, and that will help I hope x

OP posts:
JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 15/12/2011 16:58

It's good though isn't it that you've got another 6 months to talk regularly with an expert listener just when you really need it ?

If you were requesting counseling afresh there might have been a long waiting list.

So, maybe challenge yourself a bit when you're saying to yourself that "it's just disheartening" ( Armchair CBT counseling - hope you don't mind )

Does your counselor take a CBT approach of challenging any negative thinking during your sessions together ?

  • I personally find that a very helpful approach and think you'd do well challenging some of your thinking - especially regarding your appraisal of yourself ( In your OP you said you knew you sounded "awful, horrible, and selfish" - No way ! )

Of course it's completely understandable too that you feel really down after all you've been through this week Sad

Hope you find you can talk with dp a little, and he's being helpful and supportive.

Take it easy on yourself Smile

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 15/12/2011 17:32

Its all fell apart, dp just flew off the handle smashed up christmas decorations and went for me, lots was said mainly I need to get a grip, I'm pathetic and ruining christmas.

He right.

I'm alone and sobbing in my bedroom. I can't see any point in keep fighting, I wish I could drive so I could take dd and leave and shock him for one.

OP posts:
ChristinedePizanne · 15/12/2011 17:35

He's not right jj :( You're grieving. Is there somewhere you can go with your children? What do you mean when you say he 'went' for you? I am hoping you don't mean what I think you mean :( :(

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 15/12/2011 17:45

Oh Jj I'm so sorry he can't be strong for you when you need him to be. Sad

Could you go and stay with family over Christmas with dd or at least for a few days ?

I'm sure he's sad too but there's no excuse.

Stay safe. Look after yourself x

tasmaniandevilchaser · 15/12/2011 17:46

Glad you got your counselling session today, ultimately it is good timing you didn't have to wait on a waiting list for months. Don't put yourself down! You've had a rough time and you deserve some support (like the counselling).

I'd say it's ok to feel flat, that's normal, I like what Juggling said, however you're feeling it's ok (or something along those lines). But don't put yourself down, you haven't done anything wrong.

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 15/12/2011 18:02

He ran up the stairs after me but I managed to stop him coming in my room, later he grabbed my face so I'd look at him and he shoved me on the bed.

Hes so angry, all the time. I just wish I could make him see how I feel briefly so he could see his support can slowly fix this.

I have nowhere I can go, we live 25min drive away from nearest family, he drives and the buses etc stop at 5pm and even then no one has room, we have the biggest house.

I feel flat, numb, empty. Like I could curl up and drift off to sleep and never wake up so this pain would disapear. Because each time a new pain appears it brings with it all the old wounds until its overwhelming and consuming. I rang my mum, she couldn't understand me I'm sobbing so much.

OP posts:
JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 15/12/2011 18:12

Jj He's really out of order here.

Would anyone come and get you from family who are 25 mins away ?

I think someone else would be looking after you much better.

I feel you and dd need some love and care.

If not this evening, then could you go tomorrow - at least for a visit ?

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 15/12/2011 18:16

My mum doesn't drive and my friend who does is a home carer and will have just started work,

Ill get the bus in the morning if he doesn't change

OP posts:
tasmaniandevilchaser · 15/12/2011 18:17

Jj, he's not treating you well, can someone come and pick you up?

tasmaniandevilchaser · 15/12/2011 18:18

sorry x posts

tasmaniandevilchaser · 15/12/2011 18:19

I would go and get some support from family/friends, that might mean having a day or two away from him, so that you can both feel calmer

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 15/12/2011 18:19

Good, at least you have a plan.

I wouldn't engage much with dp this evening - I don't think it's worth the grief.

Will be thinking of you x

Consider asking friend to come and get you and dd anyway ?
(I don't know, maybe that's not possible ?)

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 15/12/2011 19:42

I'm so sorry JJ.

As much as I think he can be lovely, he can also be a complete wanker at times. You have just lost a baby, which in itself is hard enough, but after your Grandmother and your brother... it's a lot to deal with and losing the baby takes you back to all of that grief.

He needs to go to counselling with you, then on his own, to deal with his problems and to understand what you are going through.

He is SO wrong in what he has said today and what he has done. It's completely unacceptable for him to talk to you like that, to say what he's said and to be in any way physical with you. Unacceptable. Apart from the fact that he shouldn't anyway, you have just had a miscarriage and you need to loved and taken care of - not told all that shit (that isn't even true). I am really properly angry with him.

I would go and stay at your Mum's for a few days with both the kids. I know it's not ideal, but it's doable and will give you a bit of space from him. Fuckwit needs a good kick up the arse.

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 15/12/2011 20:23

Well I might now severely be in the wrong, I got in his face a lot and screamed at him all the horrible things I've wanted to say for a while.

He came back with what is a pregnancy at 8wks? Its not a baby you know that so why are you doing this to yourself... I flipped severely, hit him quite a lot and I've demolished our kitchen and dining room. Thrown a large mug at his head. He had to hold me down, I've hurt myself quite a bit.

Once I'd stopped choking on my own tears he said he's been to scared to say how he feels because he needs to be there for me, I informed him what a shitty job of that he'd done the past few days and he cried. And IM GLAD!

He wants us to move on todether I've said I need more time and he has to respect that. He said he loved me, I said nothing, he's now clearing up the chaos I've left, I think I'm going to sleep for a while.

OP posts:
tasmaniandevilchaser · 15/12/2011 20:25

omg jj, I missed your earlier post about him smashing up Xmas decorations and saying those awful things to you, that is truly shocking. I'm sorry, we must have crossed posts, I took ages to write my 17.46 post with DD pestering me. I'm not even going to discuss what he said, it's so ridiculous.

I agree with Chipping, go and stay with your Mum for a few days. You don't need this. You need someone to look after you.