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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

13wk scan, no heartbeat, MMC, I need help.

161 replies

JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 15:21

I had my scan today and they've explained its a mmc.

I now have 3 options, wait, take some tablets or surgery.

I can't bear to wait, I have a 4 and 3yo who need me to be in the christmas spirit and I can't deal with uncertainty.

I can't bear the tought of the pills and all the pain.

I'm considering the surgery but extremely scared! Can someone talk to me.

I know I sound awful and horrible and selfish but I've had a really fucking horrendous 2yrs and would just like this over and done with quickly so I can move on, but obviously don't want to take a big risk as I'd like another child someday, and I have dcs to consider.

I'm in agony, mentally and just want to vanish into thin air and stop hurting.

OP posts:
Original poster
JjandtheBean · 10/12/2011 19:28

tas thank you for your post, that's exactly how I'm feeling.

I can ask my mum but her schedules pretty rammed as she has a 6 and 3yo.

Dp isn't talking to me...

OP posts:
tasmaniandevilchaser · 10/12/2011 19:37

I would ask your Mum, she can just stick them all in front of a DVD tomorrow.

I would spend a bit of time with DP, try and talk about what you need, be kind to each other. I know it's pretty much impossible to have any emotional energy left for anyone else, but it may be hard for him to see you so low and he may not know what to do. Personally for me it was very hard to care about anyone else at first! But it was good to spend time together, even if it was just cuddling on the sofa watching a DVD boxset (we did Mad Men, not that I was concentrating all that well, but it passed the time).

Mercedes519 · 10/12/2011 19:53

Jj we went through this two years ago exactly so reading your thread has brought it all back. I went for the ERPC and the GA was fine - you have a needle in your hand and lie back and they put the stuff into it (you can't feel it) and then it's like you fall asleep really quickly. Its a really short procedure, I was out the same day. Up to two weeks of light bleeding and I didn't have any pain. I took it easy for a couple of days and then was back to normal physically.

But emotionally I found it hard. DH and I went out into the countryside for a walk and I stood on top of a big hill and mentally said 'goodbye' to my baby. I felt much better for taking time that marked that moment and was all about the baby, rather than just getting on with it all the time. If you can get some time together then I'm sure it would help you to help each other through this.

I also now have a bracelet with three charms, one for DS, one for this baby and one for DD who was unexpectedly conceived just four weeks after my MMC. But that, is another story....

Wolfiefan · 10/12/2011 20:00

So sorry you are going through this. My first pregnancy was a missed miscarriage at 13 weeks. ERPC. Now have two lovely kids. I really felt I needed to get it over with. Look after yourself jj. Remember you are allowed to do what you need to in order to get through this. No one can tell you how to feel or act. Sending supportive hugs and best wishes for the future ( bloody predictive text wanted me to send wieners!)

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 10/12/2011 20:02

I'm obsessing completely over having to get pregnant again, I feel like that's the only way this pain will leave, I know that's wrong, it won't, this baby mattered, ill never get this baby back.

I just feel so raw, and sils constant whinging on fb is driving me to wanting to say something vile, she is pregnant a few weeks behind where I should be. I feel like I need to forget she exists until I'm pregnant. How horrible and selfish.

I want to do something to mark this baby, but I also want to forget, then I feel guilty, its so hard.

Our hospital, takes all 'babies' from eprc to a nearby forest to be buried where they have benches for people to go and reflect etc.

mercedes I'd give anything to fall that quickly.

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JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 10/12/2011 20:51

Hey JJ - Don't be so hard on yourself.

If you want to forget about SIL for a bit it's not the end of the world - she might even understand ?

And if you have hopes for the future then good for you - You are very brave !

I'm glad to hear you will have a place to remember this baby.

Every good wish for Monday.

I don't know what to say for the best but hope you're OK.

Maybe try to make up a bit with DP you will need each other ?

Could anyone look after DCs a bit for you tomorrow - anyone you could ask ?

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 10/12/2011 20:59

Hi juggling,

Me and dp just blew up at each other majorly, he's gone out and I don't even care, atleast now I can sob and know there's no-one to hold me.

Everythings just overwhelmed me now ds and dd are asleep.

My auntys invited us over tomorrow to cook for me, she works a lot and her boys are in clubs over her way so can't come to me (when we were rehoused after being homeless they flung us right out of our home town) my mums meeting us over there so I'm going to leave the dcs there with there bikes, huge garden ours is a postage stamp, and get out on my own or with dp, just for some air, she lives in the country so hopefully ill get some peace to say goodbye ready for monday

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JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 10/12/2011 21:11

Ahh, Jj, I'm sorry you've fallen out with DP - I'm always falling out with mine, but I'm worried you need him ATM.

Glad DCs are in bed now to give you some time.

Sounds like a good plan for tomorrow - really pleased you've got something sorted for tomorrow - Your Aunty sounds great !

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 10/12/2011 21:41

She has her moments.

He's a total arse, I sent him a message asking him to come back saying I really needed him etc, he came back, got something and left again, he's now back and totally blanking me.

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JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 10/12/2011 21:48

I'm sorry you've only got us for company Jj - feel like you need better real life company - sorry dp not being any help, comfort, or support Sad - maybe get an early night if you can and things will be a little better in the morning - and you can all go over to your Aunt's. Could you talk to dp about plans for tomorrow at all ?

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 10/12/2011 22:06

He's just come in having made bacon sandwiches and brought me chocolate pudding. And said we need to stop, he's really hurt by what I said, I replied, it was true, he was cross at the begining but he was excited and he hurts too. Were watching crap tv now x

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Original poster
JjandtheBean · 10/12/2011 22:08

And Mumsnet isn't the worst company I could have, I'm serious when I say without here for support and ranting I'd probably have had a second nervous breakdown.

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JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 11/12/2011 08:56

Glad you moved on to having a bacon sandwich and watching crap TV together - progress - and just the thing in the circumstances !

Hope you have a better day today with some time to think and get looked after a bit by your Aunt and your Mum x

Mercedes519 · 11/12/2011 09:43

jandj glad you and DP are recognising how you each feel and I hope you get some time today to yourselves.

In hindsight it was amazing falling so quickly especially as I was on Clomid to conceive after years of trying but I actually didn't find out until I was 10 weeks as I wasn't expecting anything to happen. I think if I'd found out earlier I would have been so scared. And I also had time to get over the mmc because we'd put all that on hold and weren't trying at all. For me that was important, as I didn't feel ready to start trying again.

What it also really brought home to me was that it makes NO difference what you do as to whether a pregnancy is going to be successful or not. I knew about one at 4 weeks and it was a mmc, DD I discovered at nearly 10 weeks while not even thinking about it and no problems at all. So, nothing to feel guilty about, it is NOT your fault.

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 11/12/2011 10:31

Morning all.

You know mercedes you are right, i only found out I was pregnant with ds at 10wks and had an easy pregnancy,

Feeling weird this morning, can't explain it, still terrified about tomorrow

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Mercedes519 · 11/12/2011 12:26

I'm not surprised you're thinking about tomorrow, it will be hard but I reckon it won't be as bad as you think it will be. The staff, sadly, do this every day and everyone was so nice and sympathetic. There are people to talk to if you need them, for me I just wanted it done and they got on with it with minimal fuss.

There is a bit of waiting around and resting afterwards so if you can distract yourself with a book/game/magazine the time will pass quicker.

baublelugs82 · 11/12/2011 13:54

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Original poster
JjandtheBean · 11/12/2011 14:04

I'm taking one of our in car dvd players with me and ill have my phone which I mumsnet from as we have no pc. The doctor said where ill be I'm ok to use it. And dp will be there.

I almost want some spotting, anything to prove its over before the eprc despite a second scan and hgc tests I'm always going to 'what if' its just all to hard to believe.

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baublelugs82 · 11/12/2011 14:11

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Original poster
JjandtheBean · 11/12/2011 14:18

I will do, I've got loads of crap on the skybox I need to watch, big bang theory, glee, how I met your mother, all drivel but I think exactly what I need. And ill be stocking up on bicuits, chocolate and pink milk because I can!

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baublelugs82 · 11/12/2011 14:20

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Original poster
JjandtheBean · 11/12/2011 14:26

Might call on some friends for dvds as I've watched all mine a million times over doing night feeds many moons ago.

Not that I'd told my friends I was pregnant yet...

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tasmaniandevilchaser · 11/12/2011 18:24

Glee is not drivel!! Xmas Grin. Glad you and DP are getting on better, you need each other. DVDs and pink milk sounds good! I ate mostly oven chips and ice-cream the first week, plus a lot of G and Ts. Hope it all goes well tomorrow, I'll be back Tuesday to see how it went. Take care x

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 11/12/2011 18:30

I've got a bit of malibu and vodka in the cupboard, they're about to become my friends, even though I know its over I couldn't bring myself to drink just yet.

Dp sayes he's found dvds still in the shrink wrap, might watch them or watch twilight back to back.

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tasmaniandevilchaser · 11/12/2011 18:39

Malibu and vodka is one of my favourite combinations, but you will get seriously wasted on that! Take it easy!