13wk scan, no heartbeat, MMC, I need help.

[JjandtheBean]

I had my scan today and they've explained its a mmc.

I now have 3 options, wait, take some tablets or surgery.

I can't bear to wait, I have a 4 and 3yo who need me to be in the christmas spirit and I can't deal with uncertainty.

I can't bear the tought of the pills and all the pain.

I'm considering the surgery but extremely scared! Can someone talk to me.

I know I sound awful and horrible and selfish but I've had a really fucking horrendous 2yrs and would just like this over and done with quickly so I can move on, but obviously don't want to take a big risk as I'd like another child someday, and I have dcs to consider.

I'm in agony, mentally and just want to vanish into thin air and stop hurting.

[JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh]

I'm sorry you got so upset Jj - Please go to your Mum's tomorrow with dd (and other DC ?) like you were planning.

ChippingIn sounds like she knows you well, and has good advice

[JjandtheBean]

Ds is in ft school.

Me and dp have had some space, he went out, I went in the garden a while and were talking things through.

I need to be with him atm, I know that sounds pathetic but I can't explain it. I'm going out with dd after dropping Jj at school. Xx

[JjandtheBean]

Feel really awfully low today, bad pains aswell, and I feel sick.

I just wish it would all stop so its easier to be distracted, I just want to be happy so much.

[JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh]

I'm concerned about your relationship with dp though Jj

Perhaps you can talk with your counselor about how things are between you.

Feel he could have been a lot more supportive of you this week.

Hope things settle down for you this week and over Christmas x

[ChippingInNeedsSleep]

Are the pains & sickness to be expected after the op on Monday? If they aren't you need to make an appointment with your GP.

If you want to stay at home with DP then the two of you need to make a pact, that no matter how angry you get neither of you will ever physically hurt each other again. He hitting, no throwing things, no face grabbing - nothing.

[ChippingInNeedsSleep]

Ideally you would agree to talk and not shout at each other as well... but one step at a time.

I really think you need to go to counselling together as well as your personal sessions You need to learn how to talk to each other when things come up and not bottle it up - both of you do it and it's not healthy.

if you do need to get away for a few days in term time, it will not hurt Jj to miss a few says school.

[JjandtheBean]

Well today I just got on with things for myself, the new health visitor came round as were 'new' --since july...-- to the area. And shed spoke to ds school and said she got a glowing report :)

Dp has sulked around keeping out of my way, he did give me and dd a lift to town as its been raining. Me and dd had a nice slow wander and I let her splash in puddles --since I left the pushchair at mums and couldn't face the big one-- got some last minute bits for christmas and generally enjoyed just being just us two, the fresh air and the quiet.
Jj finishes school today so no worries about than anymore. After school I'm taking them to my mums for dinner and my mums getting the bus over to me for the day tomorrow.

Seems keeping busy is wise, and avoiding anywhere baby related.

My angel charm for my bracelet arrived today its so lovely.

Xx

[JjandtheBean]

Wrt the pain, I was sent home with paracetamol, double strength ibruprofen and codine. I'd been trying to lower how much I was taking as it makes me drowsy. Seems I'm not ready yet x

[JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh]

How are you feeling this evening Jj
And how are things with dp - and the DCs come to that ?

[JjandtheBean]

Hi,

Been to my mums this evening, she's had a few words with both of us wrt being a bit more gentle on each other and she's getting the bus over tomorrow.

Dp is trying, he's just got quilts and pillows and made me comfy on the sofa as I've come over a bit funny, think I pushed myself a bit much today.

The dcs are good, J had a fantastic day at school, his teacher threw a party and they did games and dancing and she gave them all a christmas activity book,stickers and sweets.

Dd did ok with her health visitor review and the hv offered support groups etc for me, she was actually really nice.

One minute I'm fine, I'm coping then its like a wave hits me and I hurt, but atleast I have moments of ok-ness. That's a start.

I have a duvet, pain killers, some dvds and chocolate, I think its becoming a routine!

[JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh]

Sounds like a good day Jj

• And a great routine - think I could adopt just such a sofa routine myself