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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Original poster

13wk scan, no heartbeat, MMC, I need help.

161 replies

JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 15:21

I had my scan today and they've explained its a mmc.

I now have 3 options, wait, take some tablets or surgery.

I can't bear to wait, I have a 4 and 3yo who need me to be in the christmas spirit and I can't deal with uncertainty.

I can't bear the tought of the pills and all the pain.

I'm considering the surgery but extremely scared! Can someone talk to me.

I know I sound awful and horrible and selfish but I've had a really fucking horrendous 2yrs and would just like this over and done with quickly so I can move on, but obviously don't want to take a big risk as I'd like another child someday, and I have dcs to consider.

I'm in agony, mentally and just want to vanish into thin air and stop hurting.

OP posts:
pookiecat · 08/12/2011 15:36

So sorry for your loss, I had surgery after a mmc in August. Dont be scared, its quick and your out in a couple of hours xxx

MrsChristmasDB · 08/12/2011 15:38

I don't know enough about this to comment really, but didn't want to leave you unanswered.

What does your mw mean by wait ? For things to happen 'naturally' ?

I would imagine that the pills may be the better option for you, depending on the surgery and when it would take place ? I have heard that the surgery can be very painful, more so than the pills.

I am sure some lovely people with better advice will be along soon.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 08/12/2011 15:40

I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. :(

I had surgery after a mmc in January and was shit scared too. I had never had an operation or a GA. I sobbed on the way to theatre having convinced myself i would never see DD again (I have a high BMI and was convinced I would die on the operating table). In short, I was a complete mess.

In actual fact it was the best thing I could have done. The procedure itself was extremely quick and painless. I woke up in recovery with such relief that it was all over. I had to stay in overnight because of my BMI but the next day I went home and, apart from being knackered, physically I felt fine.

My reasoning was pretty similar to yours. I had a 3yo DD at home who needed me to be normal and I couldn't be while I didn't know what to expect and when it would all happen.

Mentally it's an entirely different ballgame but physically it really is, IME, the very best route to take.

xx

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 15:44

Thank you so much for your replies, and I'm so sorry you've been here too.

Those of you who had the surgery, do you still bleed afterwards? Sorry if that's tmi and you'd rather not answer, I just felt silly to ask the mw that.

Its awful but I just want the easiest option, I'm just recovering from loosing my grandma and my little brother, I can't cope with much more.

OP posts:
Original poster
JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 15:45

gwedoline I have a high bmi also, which is adding to my worries.

OP posts:
tasmaniandevilchaser · 08/12/2011 15:51

HI there, I just had a mmc, it's a pretty miserable time. I had the medical management, it was pretty straight forward for me, but others speak of lots of pain, so maybe I was just lucky. I was in at 10am and out for dinner. Very little pain, totally manageable with the painkiller tablets they gave me (something like co-codamol). I needed to 'go through' the process for closure, but obviously that's a very personal thing, not right for everyone. It is very messy, but I'd had a miscarriage before so was not surprised by this.

As I understand you can get 'complications' either way - infection, too much bleeding, not getting it all out. With the ERPC surgery, you'd certainly be over and done more quickly as long as your hospital can book you in soon.

I understand wanting to move on, I've been torn for the last 3 weeks, wanting to grieve for my baby and not forget him, but also wanting to move on and 'be back to normal'.

The most useful things for me afterwards was getting some childcare in so I had some time to myself and not have to think about a toddler; also treating myself to a massage a couple of weeks later was brilliant, I felt a lot stronger afterwards. Please be kind to yourself, it sounds like this is the last thing you need if you've had a rough couple of years.

Sorry for your loss x

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 08/12/2011 15:51

Really, don't worry about it. I can't stress that enough. The only difference BMI made was an overnight stay but mine is very high, yours might not be high enough to need that. In the whole sorry mess that is mc, the surgery is the least of it. I bled for about a week afterwards but not heavily.

Fubble · 08/12/2011 15:52

Hi Jj so sorry about your news - I enjoyed reading your posts on the June 2012 bus .

I had a similar experience to you at my 12 week scan - where they told me it was a missed miscarriage. However I had to wait for another scan 10 days later to confirm and that week or so of limbo was awful. Truly miserable. If we hadn't had our dd to keep us going I'm not sure how we would have coped. We chose to have the operation, but I had started to bleed in the meantime.
the night before the operation, I had such painful contractions and sickness it was terrible - only thankful that DD slept through it all.
The day in hospital waiting to be taken wasn't the best day ever (here they put you on the day list so if someone more urgent comes in you wait). And like Gwendoline, my high BMI and mental state convinced me I wouldn't wake up.
However, waking up and knowing that the physical side and the pain was done, allowed me to concentrate on trying to mend myself as much as I could.
I was off work for a month, and despite being pregnant now, am dreading our would-be due date in January.

Do what's best for you and your family - and give yourself time.
You're all in my thoughts
take care Jj

tasmaniandevilchaser · 08/12/2011 15:56

hi again, it's not tmi to ask about the bleeding - It was like a normal period afterwards, then with just light spotting for a couple of weeks (pantyliner time). I've just stopped bleeding - that is one benefit for the surgery, as I understand it, you won't usually bleed much after.

It sounds like you just need it to be over, so maybe surgery would be better for that. If you have medical management, then you will be sitting around in hospital for the day (I took laptop and DVDs) and you'll need someone with you. I found it nice just to chill out for the day in the side room, god that sounds awful!!! But I think I was lucky it didn't hurt. Hope that you get through it ok, take care of yourself! Your immune system will be low afterwards, have some comfort food, healthy food, vitamins, Berocca, rest!

Come back if you want and let us know how it went. x

CCinDisguise · 08/12/2011 15:57

JJ I just saw your news on the June thread, I'm on there but haven't posted for ages. I'm so sorry to hear your news. The same happened to me back in March when I went for my 12 week scan. The scan showed a 6 weeks fetus with no hb. Can I ask what your scan showed? Don't feel you have to share though.

I was given 3 options, to wait for it to happen naturally, take the pills or have the ERPC op (evacuation of retained produxts of conception). I chose the third option and was really pleased I did. I'd never been in hospital before so I was anxious, however it was very quick and I was out by lunchtime the same day, the general anaesthetic was no problem and there was no pain afterwards, well maybe a little period type pain but nothing bad. I just rested for a few days. Although physically I was fine I just felt that emotionally I needed that time. I bled for about a week following the op but it was nothing worse than an period. Four weeks following the procedure I got my AF and felt back to normal, it can take longer than that though as it varies from person to person.

I'm sure you will get talked through all your options and will be able to make the best one for you. My reason for not opting for the pills is because where I live you have to stay in hospital after you take the 2nd lot and I personally didn't want to do that. However this is not the same for all parts of the Country, so you may prefer that option.

I'm really sorry again and I hope you are able to make a decision that is right for you. It's fine to feel rubbish for a while as you've experienced a loss and you need time to come to terms with that x

tasmaniandevilchaser · 08/12/2011 16:01

Yes and I have taken 3 wks off work, I know you want it to be over, but taking time for yourself is important, even more so if you've had a rough time with other bereavements.

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 16:13

I'm pretty sure I'm going to go with the ERPC. I'm not 100% of my bmi as my notes were taken away today, I'm sure its 40something.

I have to say the thought of seeing blood is heartbreaking I had a naïve thought in my head that it would all be taken away. But the stories you've all told me are extremely helpful and give me some comfort that its not all got to be awful. The mw did explain everything and i listened but ntohing sunk in, I have leaflets but I can't bear to look.

Thank you all so so much for you kind words and sharing your experiences, it is truly saddening and shocking that this is so common.

I am so very grateful I have dd and ds home with me but there's also a flicker of pain watching them as ds had asked for a baby brother for christmas and wed planned on telling him christmas day. Silly I know.

Thank you all again, x

OP posts:
baublelugs82 · 08/12/2011 16:32

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This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

jezebelle · 08/12/2011 17:44

I had a 13 wk mmc lasy year, the baby had sadly died at 12+6 :(
The surgery was by far my best decision, i went into theatre at 7.20pm and was in recovery at 7.40pm !! yes it took 20 mins !! no pain afterwards at all and i bled lightly for a week. just a day short of a year later i gave birth to my beautiful ds2 :)

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 08/12/2011 17:55

Yes mine is 40 something too.

My mmc was 21 January this year and dd2 is due on the 4 January 2012, also just shy of a year. There is hope :)

witherhills · 08/12/2011 18:01

JJ, I'm so sorry
that's awful
i saw your poas thread.
I have nothing medical to add, but just take care of yourself, get your man to spoil you.
i'm so sorry

Tuppenyrice · 08/12/2011 18:21

Hello Jj. I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through a similar experience a few years ago. I had a 3yo DS at the time but was advised to go the natural route which ended up with me collapsing, ambulance arriving etc I won't bore you with the gory details but it was very very unpleasant and so I switched hospitals and went for a D&C in the end (after a 3 week wait as I'd got an infection after an incomplete natural miscarriage.) My point is go for the Op get it over with. Much easier on your body.

Oh and I went on to have 2 more DCs so yes there is hope. Good luck xxx

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 18:38

Thank you all so much, I really mean it, you have helped me a huge amount. How do people manage with out places like mumsnet. I'm going to go for the op.

Dp is being amazing, he's just doing everything inbetween patting me and saying are you ok, I love you every 5minutes. I can't talk. And I keep telling ds and dd I love them, ds is 4 and a bit cynical and said, I know now mummy stop being silly, they're wonderful cuddly children and they make me feel so guilty for hurting when I already have a beautiful family.

Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart and I'm so sorry you've all dealt with this too. Good luck to those who have made it to the otherside it brings me great hope :)

OP posts:
Original poster
JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 19:20

I should be 12+5 but scan showed 8wks, I keep trying to convince myself my dates must be wrong, ds was 2wks behind my dates and dd a week. But they'd have found a heartbeat at 8wks wouldn't they

OP posts:
ChristinedePizanne · 08/12/2011 19:25

Oh jj, I'm so sorry. I was convinced they had made a mistake too but they hadn't :( It's so, so horrible finding out at your scan, there is no preparation and it couldn't be any more painful. Big hugs un-MN to you

I told my story on the MN miscarriage campaign - I can post a link if you like but I did it naturally so you may not want to read it. If you do, let me know x

Original poster
JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 19:34

Please do post a link, I've been very lucky and never experienced this so I'm clueless. knowledge is power and all that...

So sorry you've been here too.

OP posts:
SantasNutellaFairy · 08/12/2011 19:36

JJ, so sorry to hear this.

TheFallenMadonna · 08/12/2011 19:37

I had a medically managed miscarriage at 12 weeks, and if I had to do it again I would go for the surgery.

LePruneDeMaTante · 08/12/2011 19:40

I'm so sorry for you Sad
It truly is horrible. I'm really glad you're going for the surgery. Medical management was something I found extremely traumatic (and I needed transfusions but that was unusual). It isn't always but if you can avoid it then do.

tasmaniandevilchaser · 08/12/2011 19:44

Don't feel guilty for hurting, you've had a loss, you're allowed to grieve. It is so awful finding out at the scan, I was in shock for a week. I couldn't do anything at all. Get some childcare if you can, call on family and friends if you're able to.