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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

13wk scan, no heartbeat, MMC, I need help.

161 replies

JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 15:21

I had my scan today and they've explained its a mmc.

I now have 3 options, wait, take some tablets or surgery.

I can't bear to wait, I have a 4 and 3yo who need me to be in the christmas spirit and I can't deal with uncertainty.

I can't bear the tought of the pills and all the pain.

I'm considering the surgery but extremely scared! Can someone talk to me.

I know I sound awful and horrible and selfish but I've had a really fucking horrendous 2yrs and would just like this over and done with quickly so I can move on, but obviously don't want to take a big risk as I'd like another child someday, and I have dcs to consider.

I'm in agony, mentally and just want to vanish into thin air and stop hurting.

OP posts:

Report

JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 19:48

How long did it take for you to stop feeling shattered. Everytime I think I cry, I'm snuggled up in dds bed with her and my whole body aches and nothing can stop the tears, she's blissfully unaware.

Sil is pregnant too due just a few weeks after I was, how do I deal with that?

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ChristinedePizanne · 08/12/2011 19:49

Or even bit un-MN hugs to you - aargh!

Here's my story - it does get a bit TMI.

It is a horrible, horrible thing to go through - whether it's your 1st pregnancy or your 15th.

JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 19:49

Dp is home until january, I have him 24/7 my mums being amazing having been through it before and my aunts desperate to do something. I'm very lucky with my family when things go wrong they're always there xx

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GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 08/12/2011 20:00

Tears and tiredness, just go with the flow. It helped a lot when I started to really think of it as a bereavement. It knocks you for six and takes time to get over, like any other grief. Take all the time you need, don't feel like you have to be back to normal for anyone.

One of the hardest things I found was that most people didn't know I was pregnant. So they then had to find out that I had been but now I wasn't all at the same time. This time I've been upfront with everyone from the start, other people's support is so important.

Other people being pregnant is hard, there's no getting away from that. I wish there was :(

I wish I could help more. It's a shitty, shitty thing to happen.

JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 20:06

Thank you gwedoline, I just feel so silly, I held my beautiful baby brother in my arms when he had passed away, I stayed with my grandma in her final moments and held my head high and stayed strong, but with both I had notice, this was so out of the blue.

Dd is snuggled into me singing the barney theme tune, she is so perfect, I am so grateful to have her and ds, I never truly understood how fragile pregnancy was.

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GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 08/12/2011 20:13

I'll tell you my plinth analogy. I have one DD. So me, DH and DD, we're the three statues in Trafalgar Sq (I'm a Londoner). Then there's the fourth plinth. It's always there but it's always empty. But it's not going anywhere, it takes up a quarter of my family.

Now I'm about to have dc2, there are five plinths. The fourth one is still there, empty. But it's not as noticeable as it was. It's now a fifth of my family, not a fourth.

You make a space for the new person in your life as soon as you see the lines on the test. It happens in a split second and that space will always be there. I know my plinth analogy probably makes zero sense to anyone else in the world, but as soon as I reasoned that out, I felt strangely better.

The other thing is, as you've said, you realise how fragile it all is. It puts you on the other side of the 'it'll never happen to me' fence. And that changes you.

I'm waffling now so I'll shut up. I found MN so helpful, I don't know what I would have done without it. xx

JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 21:23

That makes a lot of sense, we aren't particulaly well off since dp has had to leave work until his has a knee/hip investigation then op. So we had a lot of practicalities to sort out, this evening I looked behind me in the car and seeing the empty space between dd and ds, that wed thoroughly researched carseat options so we could keep our car, broke my heart.

I've always had visions of walking along, baby in pram dd and ds each side. Its like a whole life I'd had planned had been snuffed out.

Gwendoline your words are very helpful, it is so comforting to not feel so alone. Mumsnet as always is a huge pillar of support to me.

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MrsChristmasDB · 08/12/2011 21:47

Jj

You never forget the baby that should have been, or was, or what they would be like, as your other DC grow.

I love Gwendoline's analogy. I feel like that about my Angel, there is a space where he should be, and we will never forget. There will always be that space, but even though we get on with life, and it moves on, he is always with us.

We do things to commerate his birthday, and on Christmas Eve me, DH, DS and DD will go as we do every year and put his little tree on his grave and say hello.

We try to make it a 'nice' thing to do, my DCs actually love going to 'visit' their brother and stand/sit at his graveside and talk to him, and tell him things that have been going on. You will always live with the immense sorrow of what could/should have been, and although you will never feel quite the same way again, it does slowly get easier. I won't say better, but easier.

I also lost a little one at about 8 weeks, but it all happened 'naturally' for me, and I only realised afterwards what had happened. My DD was also one of a twin, the other egg didn't develop properly.

As I said earlier, losing a baby at any stage is horrible, and I am thinking of you tonight. I am so sorry for you that you have to go through this. I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone.

JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 22:11

Thank you for your words mrschristmas.

My baby brother was still born last year and I often wander past his memorial and say hello, I met him, held him and I love him and it hurt me, but now I can only begin to comprehend the agony my mum went through and goes through daily, and shed had a whole 9mnths to get to love him, feel him move and plan for him.

I am in complete awe of all these amazing strong families who deal with this and worse.

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MrsChristmasDB · 08/12/2011 22:41

You get through it Jj.

Your loss is no different than your Mum's, sweetheart. Or mine, or anyone else's.

From the minute that you find out that you are pregnant, what are you doing ? Expecting a baby.

Honestly, the loss is no worse/better if it is at 8 weeks than at 40 weeks. It's still the loss of a life, and hopes and dreams. IMHO anyway.

Do you know what ? I always like to say that not all Mummies can honestly say that their DC is a Angel. We can.

Northernlurker · 08/12/2011 22:51

I'm so sorry to read this news. How sad for you all. Are you keeping nice and warm tonight - this will have been a huge shock. Blankets, hot water bottles and cups of tea needed. It won't solve anything because nothing can but it will help with shock.

JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 22:59

I've had my quilt downstairs from the minute I got home, I only moved to read to ds and say good night to dd.

I feel numb now, I can't speak and the tears keep coming, dp has fell asleep and I just want him to wake up, I want him to talk to me I want him to say its not the end and end and that hole will be filled someday, sadly I doubt he will.

I keep feeling irrationally angry with him and I am exhausting myself keeping it in because he's being so fantastic.

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JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 08/12/2011 23:01

I'm so sorry JJ. Of course you want to do what will be easiest - that's only sensible, and best for everyone including your DCs.
In your Op you said something about sounding selfish. Just wanted to say I was a bit shocked by that. I'm sure no-one has thought anything you've said or thought is selfish.
Look after yourself and your lovely family.

JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 23:04

Thank you juggling I feel selfish for wanting it over and to wipe my mind clean when mere hours ago to me it was Noah or Lily. I let myself get to carried away but I had no reason not too, I was 12wks and I'd never had any problems before.

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MrsChristmasDB · 08/12/2011 23:08

Let the tears come, no point stopping them. Keeping them inside will do more harm than good.

Don't bottle up emotions. It's not the end, Jj, and no, you're right the hole won't be filled, but you may be blessed with another baby in your lives.

Don't forget, DH is grieving too. I have never, ever seen a man so broken as my DH when he held our son. Neither of you have anything to hold, only each other. The anger is natural, but be careful not to lash out in the wrong way. This is neither of your faults, it's shit and crap and fuck arse bollocks unfair, so be there for each other.

You have every right to be angry that this has happened to you, life is bloody shit sometimes, and it feels like you never have any luck. But you have your health, and all being well, maybe the opportunity one day to have another baby, and you have DH and 2 beautiful DCs already.

Try to remember that you aren't really angry with DH, you are angry that this has happened to you. Why should you go through so much shit, haven't you been through enough ?

You know why ? Because what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So they say.

(((HUG)))

Northernlurker · 08/12/2011 23:10

It's not irrational to be angry about this. It's just so wrong that this happens. You dh is there and he's sharing this situation but he has a different kind of pain - I would feel angry with him too, with anybody who is so close and yet not as close as you.

With regard to the future - look, who knows how anyone will feel in a few months? How you both react now may not be how you feel then so let tomorrow take care of tomorrow. For now it's just a case of getting through this.

JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 23:38

Thank you, I really can't begin to say how much you have and are all helping me.

I felt angry with dp because he was less than impressed at the idea of another baby and as soon as it was said that there was no heartbeat I felt venom rise in me and I wanted to turn to him and spit "got what you wanted then".

I know he'd come round and we were excited but the difficulties we had in the begining are hovering in the forefront of my mind and I'm thinking, what if I hadn't cried and sobbed that whole day? What if we hadn't fought? What if I hadn't been an utter arse and tried to prove what a "perfect" mum I was and how I'd cope, and buzzed around exhausting myself, what if...

I said to him a few times over the past few weeks I was scared of the scan, I'd never felt anything but pure excitement for dd and ds, this time it was like a date looming that I didn't want to reach, and the last thing I said last night was, one in 3 pregnancys end in miscarriage and we have two children. I feel like I caused this.

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JjandtheBean · 08/12/2011 23:40

I know its probably not 1 in 3, I have no idea of the actual ratio, but that was in my head for some reason.

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MrsChristmasDB · 08/12/2011 23:56

No, you did not cause this.

You will go through 'what if's' ? I know I did. I also think that if the truth be told, there is always one who wants a baby more, the same way that there is always someone who loves more.

It may just be my cynical take on life, I don't know. DH and I had a rough patch before we lost our son, and it is the kind of thing that will make or break you. It's not a concious decision, but it does.

But you are way over-thinking this. You didn't lose the baby because your DH didn't want it, or because of all the other reasons you are thinking. Trust me.

You will have millions of things racing through your mind. What if I had done this, what if I had done that, etc....it's natural, Jj.

Please don't blame yourself, or DH. There isn't anything you could have done differently, because you wouldn't be you then.

Northernlurker · 09/12/2011 00:14

The pregnancy ended not because of ANYTHING you did or anything dp said or did. It ended because at some level something just wasn't right for the pregnancy to carry on. Our bodies are amazing in what they can do. They are also amazingly vulnerable. A million tiny things need to go right at the most basic cell level for us to get our take home babies. There is NOTHING you could have done to change this because nothing you did caused it. Your feelings at the start did not 'doom' the pregnancy. Please be gentle to yourself. You are a lovely mummy, you did not let this baby down and you won't let your dcs down.

JjandtheBean · 09/12/2011 00:19

You are too kind, I'm going to kiss my kids drink some water and try and sleep. Its my mums birthday tomorrow and I've been looking forward to giving her her present so long I should really attempt to minimise the zombie look I'm rocking right now.

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Northernlurker · 09/12/2011 00:21

Yup off to bed with you! I will do the same.

MrsChristmasDB · 09/12/2011 00:22

Jj, take care, sweetheart.

Say Happy Birthday to Mum from me, and give her a hug too.

Take it one day, hour, minute at a time. No rush.

((((HUGS))))

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 09/12/2011 01:34

Oh darling girl, I'm so so sorry :(

You have mail x

JjandtheBean · 09/12/2011 08:52

Morning, unbelievably I managed to sleep. But I've woke up feeling worse, hollow. I've got things I need to do and I can't I just want to stay in my bed where yesterday morning I woke up to dp giving my tiny bump a kiss. Its all to cruel.

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