13wk scan, no heartbeat, MMC, I need help.

[JjandtheBean]

I had my scan today and they've explained its a mmc.

I now have 3 options, wait, take some tablets or surgery.

I can't bear to wait, I have a 4 and 3yo who need me to be in the christmas spirit and I can't deal with uncertainty.

I can't bear the tought of the pills and all the pain.

I'm considering the surgery but extremely scared! Can someone talk to me.

I know I sound awful and horrible and selfish but I've had a really fucking horrendous 2yrs and would just like this over and done with quickly so I can move on, but obviously don't want to take a big risk as I'd like another child someday, and I have dcs to consider.

I'm in agony, mentally and just want to vanish into thin air and stop hurting.

Dear JJ

The most important thing you need to do today though is to look after yourself.
What would help most ?
Is there anything DP and you could do today that would cheer you even a little ?
(I think you said he was at home til January ?)
Maybe lots of rest would be a good idea ?
Or perhaps you could see a friend ?
What other things did you have in mind that you "need to do" today ?
Tell us about them and perhaps we can help you decide what to do for the best ?
Glad to hear at least you got some sleep last night -
I'm so sorry for your loss
I thought northernlurkers post was one to remember x

northern is an exceptionally supportive poster, I've seen her many times accross the boards. I appreciate every comment I have received, thank you all.

Its my mums birthday today, I've not yet got her cards, I have dd at home all day and I'd planned to take her to choose the cards. We have a family meal tonight and all I want to do is be with all my family but I look awful, really awful and I'm scared of breaking down and ruining mums birthday.
Dp is out on the school run and I feel so alone.

I keep wondering should I have another scan? Should I ask them to monitor my hgc levels? As ds was measure 10wks when I thought I was 13-14wks. How easy is it to find a heartbeat on an 8wk scan? I'm grasping at straws aren't I?

God I wish this was over already, I can't deal with it.

dearest JJ, though it may help you a little to do some little things for your Mum on her birthday, like go out with dd and choose a card for your Mum, and all go over for a meal this evening as planned - today though will be about you and this sad loss, for you and all your family.
Imagine one day if all this happened to your little girl near your birthday - wouldn't you be much more thinking about her and all your family and your DGCs rather than just yourself.
So, don't worry about looking a bit of a mess, or crying ... Your Mum won't expect you to carry on as though this hasn't happened will she. You don't even have to go over this evening if you don't want to you know ... you could go over later at the weekend if you need some time. Whatever will help you most
Also, as for asking for another scan, a second opinion if you like, I'm sure you wouldn't be the first woman to at least talk over the possibility of this. Firstly to be sure and secondly to gradually come to terms with what has happened.
I'm sure there must be people you can turn to for advice and support on all of this (as well as us !) but I'm sorry I don't know who to suggest. Perhaps another poster may know and be able to point you in the right direction ?
Could you talk it all over with your GP ?
Hope dp is home soon so you're not on your own today x

My mum has been through this, she's the best person to be around. Yesterday she had dd whilst I went for the scan, which I've never done before, again it was like I knew, and while I was at mums I felt calm and collected.

Dp had to take ds, I couldn't bear to, I just want to keep them home and wrap them up and hold them.

I've spoken to my midwife and she's said she's more than happy to arrange a scan/blood tests but we had a 2nd opinion yesterday and she said from the internal scan the baby was big enough for a clear heartbeat, I feel asthough I shouldn't prolong the pain, so I can begin to accept it all.

Glad to hear you've been able to talk with MW and she was supportive. Sounds like your Mum is going to be a great support too.
So sorry for everything your family has been through and the loss you have both suffered.
Maybe your body was telling you things weren't right - perhaps hormone levels changed and you sub-consciously picked up on this ? (when you say it was like you knew ?)
Hope Dp and your Mum can be with you today x

JJ I've also felt that maybe I could have done something to 'avoid' the mc. I could have eaten healthier food, or start taking folic acid earlier, or taking more expensive folic acid instead of the Superdrug own brand or refused to travel for work, or completely give up working out...

Thankfully, I had a really wonderful doctor that told me very sternly 'YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY'. So I'm telling you the same in an equally stern tone. Now let's go rampage.

I am so sorry to hear of your losses JJ. I read the first few posts but I can't read any more because I will end up sobbing at my desk.

I found I'd had a mmc at my nuchal scan. It was confirmed two days later at the EPU. Even though the pregnancy hadn't made it past 8 weeks I was still feeling all the symptoms so I opted for the ERPC so that I could feel 'normal' again asap. However that night it happened naturally. Perhaps the two TV scans that week had caused my cervix to open, I don't know.

I called the hospital in the morning and they called me in to do another scan and gave me an injection to stop the bleeding. In a way I was glad that nature had taken its course but I would not choose to do it that way again.

Your feelings will be amplified by the very sad loss of your brother and grandmother. In time the sadness will fade but it will always be there.

I don't know what else to say. Take good care of yourself and give your DH some comfort too, he will be feeling the loss as well.

Thank you all. I've had a lovely bath --as lovely as it can be with a 3yo in with you-- and dp is making breakfast,

He's anxious the eprc will affect our future wrt having more children.

I'm feeling slightly better now I'm up and bathed, also my mums birthday present finally arrived, I had my brothers handprint set in a silver pendant for her, its perfect. I get the feeling we'll all have a little tear later.

I have to go see the consultant later. Wrt monday, I hope he's nice, I've seen some awful ones.

Hi Jj

Thinking of you today. I will be around later if you want to chat. Please also feel free to pm if you want.

Take care, sweetheart.

xxxxx

Can anyone tell me how to stop seeing a thread in my 'I'm on' list?

I was in an antenatal group here and its painful to keep seeing it.

Thank you so much mrschristmas x

Can you just click on hide this thread?
sorry JJ

Thank you wither I scroll past the hide button everyday!

I've just had a beautiful gift for my dcs from the MN secret santa, it really has brightened my day, this place is so bloody brilliant!

Oh, that's lovely Jj. At least it made you smile.

(((HUGS))))

Just because.

Oh that's lovely - what great timing :)

Hope you've managed ok today. Sounds like there have been some things to lift your spirits . Your mum's present sounds lovely.

Lots of cuddles and keeping warm needed this weekend!

So sorry for you're loss.

sorry I can't be more helpful , I have no idea what method would be best.

Hope you're having a nice evening with your family. I understand about feeling angry with others, but that's just a natural part of grieving. When I feel angry, I just tell myself that, it seems to help me calm down a bit.

I also had the constant thoughts of 'should have rested that day', 'shouldn't have eaten all those sweets and biscuits', which I know is ridiculous but couldn't help myself. I read a book by Dr Leslie Regan (from the miscarriage clinic at St Mary's in London) - she said that miscarriage is a process, it's not just one thing you've done. The hormone levels even before ovulation are important, there's just nothing you can do about that. This was very reassuring to me, particularly as they said mine could have been hormonal.

Agree with Gwendoline - thinking of it as a bereavement was very helpful for me. I was exhausted for a week, just go with how you feel. It just takes time.

Evening all,

I had my apt at the hospital this afternoon to sign consent and so on, I've felt numb, totally switched off from all my emotions, we were sat near another couple and she sobbed uncontrolably and I felt awful that I was just silent. I even laughed with the doctor, oh how careless I must have seemed. I'm not though, I wanted pud oh so very much and everywhere I go, everything I see I think, I was pregnant when we were here last then I realise, I wasn't I just still believed I was.

Dp is worried as I'm quiet, I usually never shut up and drive him insane.

I've had two secret santas, a voucher for me and a huge parcel from great little trading co for the dcs, it has made me feel so much better, albeit briefly. But dp looked at me seriously and said, "ill never complain again that you --spend hours online-- rely on that place for support, I can see how much it helps you and the gifts are all too much" he welled right up.

I've never really mention mn within my family --as they're nosy-- today I told them, they are overwhelmed at the support offered here, I hope none of you mind but my mum had a nose at this thread, she said your all lovely and she is glad I have a 'safe space' I'm not a talker when I hurt, I fight tears and lock myself down so here is where I let it all out.

I have cried this time, lots, the tears never seem to stop.

So monday at 6.30am I'm going into hospital. I had another blood test today just to check HGC. I'm extremely scared of the GA. :(

I did have a lovely time out for mums birthday. We had seperate tables adults and kids and my uncle --brave man-- watched all 6 kids while me, mum and my aunt chatted laughed and I forgot breifly. The wonderful pair that they are paid for us, totally refused to let us pay and made me order whatever I wanted. They're bloody hard work most of the year but when it comes to it they're a good family.

I'm feeling quite teary now I'm back home.

Jj

So pleased you managed to have a bit of a nice time today, despite the awfulness of what you are going through.

It's also lovely to hear that you and DP are being there for one another, as well as this place !

I can't offer any advice about the GA as I've never had one, but I'm sure someone will be along to tell you that you will be fine. I am sure that you are worrying over nothing, but I completely understand that you are scared.

You have been and are going through so much, I'm not the least bit surprised that you are feeling teary. Sometimes when you are out, it's almost as if you put on a 'front' and you don't realise you are doing it, and it's only when you get back to the comfort of home that it overwhelms you.

Don't feel like you have to 'act' a certain way, it's baby steps. A little bit at a time, things sometimes hit you when you least expect it. Don't worry also about all the seemingly 'conflicting' emotions, you mention laughing with the doctor, it happens ! Don't beat yourself up about it, you are allowed to go through all sorts of emotions, and you will.

I think you are amazing the way you are coping.

I'm coming along to say you will be fine with the GA. It's normal to be scared but you will be in excellent hands and have a whole team of people who came in to work that morning to help you through that. That's why they are there. The anaethetist (spelling? - you'd never think I work in a hospital!) is a highly trained and tbh often under-rated physician. They will take great care of you. Ask them everything you need - they will be very used to people being scared.

I'm glad you've been with people who care about you today and that you could talk to them about mnet as well. I'm sure my dh thinks I spend too much time here (probably true!) but I think there is such a lot of value in the mutual support that happens here. When I've been down others have pulled me up. It is good to be a community.

I hope you have a calm weekend. Don't feel bad that you were reacting differently from that other poor lady. Somewhere she's probably saying 'and there was this other woman and she was so calm and strong....and I was crying everywhere' but the truth is you're just the same. Both lost much wanted babies and it simply hurts.

The waiter at the resturant tonight asked my auntie if I was ok, I'd wandered off the toilet and let my mind wander as I passed a newborn, he said hed never seen someone smile and look so sad, he kept patting me when he brought drinks etc. It was very sweet but its made me extremely worried that the kids can see. Dd is very emotional and ds keeps hugging me.

I've let too much affect them this year, ds has only recently stopped asking if this is our 'forever house' as I had no answers for him the 6mnths we were in a bnb.

On a brighter note he was awarded a "super star" certificate today in whole school assembly for "growing confidence and working so hard and showing real improvement with letter formation" he's not even 4 and a half yet and was prem, I am so very proud. He makes me see that pain is worth it, I watched him fight for his life, and the pain I felt then was so consuming, now he amazes me daily, if he can smile so can I.

Hi Jjandthe Bean - sorry I havent read all the posts but I had MMC at 12 weeks with twins two yeasr ago. In hospital for 4 days with various complications which resulted in an ERPC. No problem conceiving again afterwards DD2 is 1 on Monday. Its a hard time but just take it easy on yourself, don't ever feel guilty and get as much love from your other children as you can xx

Thank you pipee its very comforting to hear people have gone on to have more children.

I am so sorry for your loss also xxx

Today I feel awful, I ache and just don't want to talk or do anything, I've also developed a cough and sore throat, great!

The dcs have acted up severely causing tensions to fray with me and dp resulting in some mild bitching and me shouting, " you didn't want this anyway"

I feel so guilty now, I've just cried or slept all day, I can't wait to get the dcs to sleep so I can just cry properly and switch off. I'm so scared about monday so scared. Atm I can close my eyes and forget, monday, its gone forever.

you poor thing, I felt the same but my Mum took DD so I could just veg and be sad. It made life a lot easier. Can you get your Mum to look after your DC tomorrow, so you can be on your own if you need to? Or spend some time with DH? You can have the time and space just for him to look after you and not have to deal with DC acting up.

I think it's normal to take out cross feelings on those nearest to us, hope you can talk it through with your DH. I was angry with my DH because he was moaning before the scan, saying how will we afford this baby, not a good time blah blah blah. Then afterwards I thought the same as you - 'now you've got what you want!!' We just got through that awful first part by being very gentle with each other and we were lucky to have childcare so we could spend time together.

I slept a lot as well, I think I really needed it. It's the most awful shock finding out at the scan, don't underestimate that. I also developed a cough and sore throat! Take vitamins and eat some fruit/veg, keep looking after yourself.

Hope Monday goes well, come back and tell us how it went. x