Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Thanks littlewish. I'm making progress overall I think. Little steps, but we will get there. Our babies are never forgotten, always loved and missed but I do believe that one day the hurt will soften and I will heal enough to cope again with the world. Bit by bit.

We decided to stay with the hospital cremation. My DH said he'd go with whatever decision I made but I was worried about the impact it was having on him as he lost his dad a few years back. I think I've made the right decision and at least we know where the ashes will be scattered so can visit. Being part of a church as you are sounds lovely. Having the vicar and his wife over and being able to talk about Bobbie must be a huge comfort.

Sorry you had such a horrible call. Some people only think about their own needs. Ignore them and do something nice this afternoon! You don't need that pressure or the pressure from work. My work is okay but I have only done a few hours here and there and I'm not answering calls as I can't face it. My bosses are fine with that so I'm lucky in that respect. Tbh it's the travel to work that's harder. I hold back tears every time I see a pregnant woman on the train and I arrive at DS's nursery late so I don't bump into other mums as I can't face telling them. You should take as long as you need, I'm sure you will know when's the right time to return.

Take care,
Lou

I'm so glad you had a nice GP spilt - it makes such a difference. Also glad you have been signed off for another 2 weeks. Hope you find out about the counselling soon.

Did the GP give you any details about underactive thyroids and if it could have been the cause of you losing Bobbie?

I'm okay today thanks spilt and littlewish. DS1 at school and then childminders, DS2 at nursery and DH at work so I've got the whole day to myself (till about 5.30pm) which is lovely (very rarely happens!).
I spent a little time earlier looking at hand/foot prints, thinking about our baby and shedding a few tears - which was helpful.
I've been feeling quite numb again recently - like it all happened ages ago/didn't actually happen to me - so it was good to have that time.

I've got my sewing machine out to do a few jobs - which I find therapeutic. I havn't had it out since I got pregnant so it doesn't have any painful memories attached - although I did have a mental list of things to make for the baby.

lou - I'm glad you came to a decision you wre happy with regarding the funeral. Hope you are doing okay today.

I'm doing okay thanks ilove, though just had a bit of a moment when I read that Emma Bunton is pregnant. I know it's selfish of me but I was pregnant with DS the same time her and Myleene Class were pregnant with their first and it's knocked me that they are now having their second and I'm not. I guess we're going to have wobbles now and again aren't we...

I hope you are okay and enjoying the sewing. You do need you time now and again. We weren't offered handprints but I imagine as hard as it is to look at them it must be lovely to have them. Take care.

Hi Lou
Things like that can really set you off. I
find myself staring enviously at pregnant women whenever I see them.
What date did you lose your baby?
I think it was quite close to when we lost ours (Fri 22nd October)- scan showing no HB and delivery all in one day. Its still early days I suppose. Two weeks tomorrow for me.

Have you thought at all about TTC again?
It was all I could think about at first, but have relaxed slightly, although we will be trying as soon as my cycle gets back to normal. I find the need to TTC hard to explain - I know we will never replace the baby we lost, but I want to start making those plans that involve a baby again.
Does anyone else feel the same?

I found out my baby had died on the 19th when I had a scan (I started bleeding lightly Friday before) and delivered on the 22nd also, so yes, very close to you. At times things seem easier but everything is still so raw. I guess two weeks is nothing.

I do want to ttc again, though like you don't have quite the same urgency I did initially. Of course it won't replace our lost babies, and I'll always miss my baby, but my future plans included another baby, for there to be four of us, so I do understand your need to try again. I am however worried that it will happen again, I've almost convinced myself that it will happen twice. Does that worry you? I need to push those thoughts aside!

I do worry it could happen again, but was told by both my midwife and consultant that as I have already had too successful pregnancies then it is very likely to be a one-off and unlikely to happen again.
As you have a DS I imagine it should be similar for you.
Hopefully, we will find out more when we get test and PM results back - although we may never know.

I can imagine being pregnant again will be a stressful time - especially up to the 20 wk mark, but I am willing to go through that.
We should get extra monitoring, scans etc.

Thank you. It sounds like you have a good midwife and consultant. As I've mentioned before, my hospital was awful!

It will be stressful next time, but I can't imagine never being pregnant again either.

Hi ilove. Apparently it's possible my thyroid was the issue, it's possible it had nothing to do with it. I've got another blood test in abou 10 days to check it again. We're seeing the hospital consultant later this month so will be able to look at all the test results together then and see what we can learn.

lou I'm glad you've sorted the funeral arrangements, I hope it helps to visit where the ashes are scattered.

We're off on holiday tomorrow for a week and may or may not have internet so if I'm missing for a bit it's because I am in rural Devon with no signal!

Take care all x

Have a lovely time and a well deserved break spilt x

Hi everyone

So sorry to not have replied to any messages...been at work. I hope you are all feeling okay today.

Lou I am so sorry to hear you have also had an awful experience with Mayday. It is indeed the "hospital" in Croydon, and is utterly atrocious. I was shoved on A and E too, with no midwife or obstetrician support, and left on my own for hours. Also not a shred of support afterwards. I complained to my GP (we live in South Norwood)and luckily after seeing lots of different GP's at our local surgery (which is also awful) I found a wonderful one who has also had a miscarriage at Mayday, agrees it is horrendous, and started shouting on my behalf. After 7 weeks of limbo land I was finally put in touch with a counsellor. My consultant is Miss Hamid who was also horrified to hear of the appalling treatment we received.

The counsellors are Julie Tucker and Helen Wilson. Is there any way you could ask your Doctor to refer you to them? I also spoke to Miss Hamid and Mr Ward's secretary and it was she who put me in touch with them as she too was horrified. Do you have a consultant at Mayday? I am so sorry that you have had to suffer more distress at their hands on top of the pain of losing your baby. I am going to ask the counsellors to help me with a complaint so I can try and stop this happening to anyone else. It is deplorable. I really hope you get the help you need and deserve. It is there but not openly offered from what I can tell. As soon as they knew about me and what had happened, they were straight on the case and have been brilliant but I had to fight for it.

Spilt I hope you have a lovely holiday. Try and relax if you can! ilove I hope you're okay today? We are thinking about TTC again too. At first I didn't want to, but 7 weeks on, I am feeling like I would like to. My GP said wait 2 cycles then go for it. I want to see my consultant first and then see. My husband wants to, but then gets very stressed and says not, so I'm not sure where he is. He has asked me to focus on what I want, which is another baby if we are lucky enough to conceive again, but I need to have as much of a stress-free pregnancy as possible. My brother tried to committ suicide right at the very start of my pregnancy with Grace (he's fine now, thankfully and is undergoing therapy)and that coupled with work and John being very stressed and difficult, made the pregnancy more difficult. He agrees that we need some relaxation time, but can't afford a holiday so we are going to try. I guess when the time is right for you to try again ilove you will know. We just shouldn't put ourselves under too much pressure as for all of us, another pregnancy will be worrying.I really hope everything works out for you and for all of you who are TTC after losing your dear babies.

So sorry for the long post, and sorry if I've missed anyone out! I was reading through everyone's posts really quickly while Leo was talking to me, so I skip-read a lot!

I hope you all have a lovely day today. If you need any more info Lou just get in touch via MN.

Big hugs xxxxxx

Hi leosmummy
I'm so glad someone is listening to you and doing something about what happened to you.
I can't believe you and lou have both had such horrendous experiences at the same hospital - how can that happen in this day and age?

Are there any other hospitals near you that you could use if you go on to have another pregnancy?

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother - I hope he is doing okay now.

I'm feeling okay today thanks - there just seems to be this underlying sadness all the time. I suppose that will always be there to some extent.

We are going to Chester tomorrow to stay with family for the weekend - it's my nieces first birthday which will be lovely, and we're going to see some fireworks. I'm a bit apprehensive as the last time I saw SIL and BIL I was still pregnant and we were talking all kinds of baby talk - I find that hard to cope with. But I expect the kids will keep us busy so won't have much time to dwell.

Hi ilove. Have a lovely time with your family this weekend. I understand it will be difficult for you, but I'm sure your SIL and BIL will be anxious to make you feel as comfortable as possible? We're very open in our family and if I feel the need to talk, then I do and if I don't, I feel secure enough to say, which is good. Do you feel you can do this with them? A lot of the time, people don't know what to say so they say nothing at all, which can be just as uncomfortable as them saying too much. If you know them very well, and if you feel able, just be honest? You are right though; the kids will be so excited that it may help to take your mind off everything! Have a wonderful time!!!

lou...I have been to Mayday today and spoken to Helen one of the midwife bereavemant and miscarriage counsellors. She was absolutely wonderful and allowed me to cry and rant and laugh and waffle, all the while assuring me that all of the madness in my head is normal. We talked about MN and I mentioned that you had had a similar atrocious experience to me (obviosly anonymously as we all are!). Do you want me to ask her if it's okay to pass on her number and e-mail address so you can get some proper support? She has asked me to e-mail her a description of what went on, on the day I was admitted, from the start through surgery and leaving the damned place and then she wants to take it up with the Head of Midwifery and the Head of A and E. She then said she would help with a formal complaint.She was very very concerned about the lack of care, and wants it to be sorted out. The main problem for me was the total lack of communication and compassion for what had happened to me. PLease do let me know if you'd like to know more as I am worried about you.

I hope you all have a good time this weekend! We're going to light a small fire in the garden (eeek!!) and let off some fireworks in honour of Grace. Big hugs to you all xxxxxxxx

Thanks Leosmummy. If Helen is happy for you to pass on her details I would really appreciate that. As it happens the nurse on the gyno ward who looked after me was called Helen - might be the same person. She was really lovely and one of the few at Mayday who actually seemed to care. Unfortunately she was off when I was discharged which is probably why I received no follow up care. I'm really pleased you are receiving follow up care now, it's so important. I hope you have a really lovely weekend - and what a lovely idea to honour Grace by letting off fireworks.

ILove - I hope you have a lovely weekend too. As Leosmummy said, sometimes it's easier to be honest and to tell them if you are happy / not happy to talk about things. Seeing the DC faces light up when they see the fireworks is always worth it though, so I hope you all enjoy that.

Take care,
Lou x

I hope you both have a lovely weekend x

Hi Ladies, iv just been reading through your posts with tears in my eyes.

I lost my DD in July at 31 weeks pregnant. I also had a feeling something wasnt quite right in the pregnancy and kept telling my husband i thought she was gonna come early.

I woke up on a saturday morning and realised i hadnt felt her move and tried every trick in the book to wake her up. I have a doppler at home so tried to find her on that and when i heard nothing i knew straight away she had gone. After having 3 midwives trying to find her on the CTG machine and 2 DRs scanning me for a heartbeat it was confirmed.

I still cant get the image on the scan out of my head of my daughters ribcage with no heart beating in it.

I was sent home for the rest of the weekend and told to come back on Monday if labour hadnt started. That weekend was the hardest of my life. Everytime i stood up i could feel her little body flopping inside me. I could see people looking at my bump then looking away again...

Our post mortem results came back with nothing too, which i kinda expected after reading peoples stories on MN.
We started trying again for a baby as soon as my periods came back and im happy to say ill be 7 weeks pregnant tomorrow.

Everything that you have said rings very true with me. I couldnt hold conversations with anyone, i still find it hard to sit through a film without my mind wandering and i am now scared of the dark so have to sleep with the tv on.

Please be very kind to yourselves and dont feel guilty if you need to hide away sometimes and just cry.

Much love to you all
xxx

Hi Badger
Thanks so much for sharing your story - I'm so sorry you lost your daughter and I'm sorry you didn't get any answers as to why this happened.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - I'm so pleased for you.

Its almost 3 weeks now since we lost our baby and I am slowly starting to get back to normality - although I know part of me will never be the same again. This thread has been a great source of comfort to me.

We are hoping to TTC also soon - can i ask how long it took for your first period to appear? And did you start trying straight after?

iloveblue My periods returned after about 5 weeks but we had to wait to as they were worried about my clotting and had to have a sample post pregnancy. My bereavement midwife was very slow at sorting it out.

We managed to get pregnant on our 2nd attempt so was very lucky but believe me that first month where it didnt happen hit me harder than i ever thought it would so please prepare yourself incase it doesnt happen straight away.

Im so so sorry for your loss and still cant believe just how many women there are on this site that have been through the pain of losing a child.

How are your boys taking it? Im lucky that my little boy is only 19mths so didnt really understand what was happening.
I found my son to be a great deal of comfort in the beginning as i had to get up and carry on for him rather than shutting myself away.

Im glad you have found a place that lets you talk about your baby and is helping you through.

Have you spoken to anyone about how your next pregnancy will be managed?
I know when i lost Freya all i could think about was getting pregnant again. I felt and still feel cheated out of a baby.
I asked anyone that would listen about what would happen next time so i was prepared.

Im still trying to talk myself into somethings but will hopefully have it all sorted by the birth (fingers crossed i get to that point this time).

My boys took it well actually - they were more upset about me being upset really.
I don't think they had really got their heads around the fact that there was a baby in my tummy (although I did have quite a big bump). But yes, it has helped as I did just have to get on with it, and couldn't curl up in a ball which is what I wanted to do at times.

I'm still finding it stressful to be around groups of people - I'm especially struggling with school pick ups.

I'm interested in what you said about clotting - is this related to Hughes Syndrome/APS? I've been doing some research online (prob not a good idea but I'm trying to make sense of it all) and this seems to crop up quite a lot.

I did mention to my consultant what would happen in terms of another pregnancy - and she said I could have extra reassurance scans, but depends on what test/PM results show. How are they looking after you?

Freya is a beautiful name btw

badger I am so sorry for your loss, and thank you for your honesty. I too find the support here at MN absolutely amazing, and I am slowly starting to feel better. Congratulations on your pregnancy? How are you finding it? I am very worried that if I fall pregnant again, I will stress myself into oblivion!

I hope you had a good weekend ilove and that your family were sensitive and supportive? We had a wonderful time on Friday and I felt at peace with Grace. I sat in the garden in the pouring rain with wine, a fire and an umbrella, waterproof and duvet, and it felt like the best way to say goodbye to her. We have decided to remember her in this way every year. Unfortunately, the reality of losing Grace hit my DH hard on Saturday and he went on a mad rampage, shouting all day, so I went to stay with my best friend for a night as I couldn't handle him any more. I came home first thing on sunday and we talked...he didn't realise where his anger was coming from until I walked out and he had time to think. He was very upset and I'm worrieds about him. I am starting counselling when I see my consultant (got a date for 22/11 and am hoping she will say it is fine to try again)but John doesn't have anyone to talk things through with apart from me, and then I get upset taking all of his fears and anxieties on board. At least I now have someone to off-load onto. Unfortunately, after a good talk and a hug, the dishwasher and hoover broke simultaneously, and we can't afford to replace them of get them repaired at the moment so John went off the deep end again!WE do seem to live a very busy and stressful life! I'm fed up with it!

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I hope you all have a good day today. I have e-mailed the midwives lou so will hope to pass on details soon.

Big hugs xxxxx

Sorry, i didn't mean "congratulations on your pregnancy?" but "congratulations on your pregnancy!!" badger. Sorry!!!! x

I had a nice weekend thankyou leosmummy - I had a good chat to MIL when kids were in bed which was helpful, as I was worried that the whole weekend would go by without a mention of it.

I love the sound of your goodbye to Grace - sounds like it was very special. I'm sorry your DH has been having such a tough time - is it not possible for him to talk to a counsellor too?
It does sound like you're having a stressful time at the moment - I hope things start to get better for you soon xx

I saw my GP yesterday who has signed me off work for another 2 weeks - which will be 4 weeks in total. Not sure if I will be ready to go back in 2 weeks - can't imagine being there at the moment (I'm a teacher).

Hi ilove. I'm glad your weekend went well and you could talk things through with your MIL. My family still mention Grace a lot, but work and the parents of my private pupils (I'm a musician and peripatetic brass teacher)and friends don't any more. I'm lucky that I don't feel strange about bringing her up, although most of my closest friends don't have children and have decided not to have children, so sometimes I worry I'm "going on".

Do not worry in the slightest about not wanting to go back to work. Facing lots of children (are you primary or secondary?) who may or not behave will be very stressful for you right now, so don't even try until you're ready. I lost Grace at 14 weeks (although my cycle dates were 16 weeks)so wasn't as far along as you, and that month makes a huge difference. I took a week off (mainly beacause I am self employed and don't get paid if I don't work) and I am lucky that the teaching I do is one to one, so I felt I could face it. My GP recommended it as she knew if I stayed at home I would drive myself and everyone else mad. Going back helped stop me dwelling on everything, and I was aware that I might bury it, but it was the right thing for me to do. If you are not ready, you are not ready and you musn't push yourself or feel guilty. It is a big deal facing that many people. My husband has to face 10 people when he goes to work...as a teacher, especially secondary, you have to face hundreds. It's no wonder it's daunting.

I hope you have a good day today. I'm irritable after a very long day at work yesterday and my DS is going through a phase of "I want" accompanied by whining. It is driving me nuts and I feel so bad for getting cross.I've also got practice to do for some gigs coming up, on top of cleaning the house with a dustpan and brush after the hoover incident, and then there are reports to write, pre-school to organise and all of the other chores, plus I'm teaching at home later so have another deadline to meet. Aaarrrggghhhhhh!!!! And the house has to be tidy. Heck!!!!

Sorry, ranting again. Take care all of you and keep smiling if you feel able. xxxxx

ilove It is completely understandable that you dont want to go back to work yet and i dont blame you. I am a paediatric theatre nurse and the thought of going back to work fills me with dread.
I still havent decided if i will actually return as its such a high pressure area working with tiny babies who can deteriorate very quickly and im not sure i can handle that anymore.

My clotting never was a problem and all i was told was that in some cases womens blood can 'over clot' and cause problems with the placenta and oxygen getting through but i never found out more about this as mine came back ok thankfully.

leosmummy How you celebrated your daughter on Friday sounds beautiful. My mum bought us a bench for the garden just after Freya died and me and my husband would spend nights out there in the summer with a glass of wine chatting about her.
SO sorry to hear about your poor husband but if its any help mine kinda went through the same thing. He was constantly trying to be strong for me and just ended up breaking down one day. I made him promise he would always talk to me as i had just lost my daughter and was damn sure i wasnt gonna lose my husband as well.

As for how they are looking after me this pregnancy so far ive had an early scan but this was mainly due to me having slight bleeding last weekend and im booked in for another scan next week to reassure me then waiting for my normal 12 week scan.
Iv been told ill be seeing a really lovely consultant, who gave us Freyas PM results, for my check ups and will have scans at 20, 28, 32 and 36 weeks and being the lovely man he is i have been told that at anytime i feel worried to call then go straight in and he will scan me as many times as i need.

I have been offered a c-section or vaginal birth, its all up to me. As well as when i want to have the baby from 37 weeks, obv only if scans decided s/he is able to handle being born.

Hope you are all doing well today xx

Hello everyone- how are you all doing?

Its 3 weeks today since we lost our baby and I am finding it easier. I've had a few down days this week - just feeling like I don't want to do anything/go anywhere/see anyone etc, but I am aware that it is part of the process. My spotting has stopped which I am pleased about as it means my body can start getting back to normal.

Have you had your reassurance scan Badger?

Hope things are going better for you this week leosmummy.

Lou have you heard from the bereavement midwife?

Spilt - hope you had a lovely holiday and managed to get some rest and recuperation time.