Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Hi girls

It's nice to be home again. We had a good holiday, definitely helped to be away and together. We did some walking and swimming and generally dossing around. Until I buggered my leg by just turning around in the kitchen and have been limping ever since (with periodic involutary yelps of pain).We went to the marine aquarium in Plymouth too and I saw my beloved rays, gorgeous fish. Also a rather less gorgeous moment where the octopus ate a live crab

Badger hello again, I hope your scan gives you good news. When is it?

ilove glad you're feeling it's getting easier. It goes in phases doesn't it? I'm still crashing several times a week but I'm feeling more like I can have hope for the future and less like I just don't want a future anymore.

I saw the chat about ttc again. That's certainly our plan, and thyroid result and consultant chat willing we will be going for it next month I think (due period probably within the week). I'm terrified (especially about the sickness again, I honestly wanted to die). I'm terrified of getting pregnant and utterly petrified of not getting pregnant despite trying.

In my mind the big worry now is another late loss around 20 weeks. I had almost entirely forgotten about the possibility of early MC too, - it suddenly hit me the other day that not only do I have to face the fear of 2nd trimester loss, constant nausea and terrible tiredness (bad at pregnancy!) ... but I also have to run the gauntlet of the first 13 weeks again where you have a 1 in 5 (?) chance of MC anyway...

I shall need my hand held all the way!

Glad you had a good break spilt- sorry to hear about your leg.

Have you got a date to see your consultant yet? Its horrible being in limbo isn't it?- We were told it could be 8 weeks till we get results which will be getting on into next year.

It is going to be hard coping with another pregnancy - especially around the 16-20wk stage, but as I read somewhere else 'you've got to be in it to win it'.
Hopefully we can continue this thread or start a new one so we can support each other - i'll definitely be here to hold your virtual hand!

We're seeing the consultant on 25th, so in 2 weeks. I hope they are nice!

Thinking of you today littlewish, I think it's your due date?

I hope you manage to have an ok day and that you found a way to mark it.

How's everyone else? It's cold today, I could really have done with my extra insulation...

Hi spilt
How are you getting on? Glad you got away from everything for a week. Sorry to hear about your knee, hope that sorts itself out quickly.

Is your consultant appointment to get the results of your test? and go ahead for ttc? As for when you need your hand holding with your next pregnancy ill be here too.

Hope everyone is doing ok, well as good as can be and are looking after themselves.

I have my reassurance scan on Friday and i cant wait but im absolutely terrified too.
In theory everything should be fine but now that i have lost one baby im just waiting to be told this one has been taken from me too.

Still finding it very hard to believe i could actually be pregnant, despite the nausea and the fact i could sleep for Britain.

Thanks for remembering my due datespilt. The day itself was fine, I felt more weepy in the days leading up to it than the actual day.

I'm glad it was a Sunday and we were home for the day. DH bought me a lovely bunch of roses, we took our youngest DS to the rememberance parade where he took part with the cubs, then we curled up on the sofa later in the evening and lit a little candle for baby. We had a long chat about the whole experience I had a few tears and I felt better for it.

Glad your little break went well, sending you lots of luck, strength and hope for the comming weeks.

Hope you are o.k iloveblue and hope this week is better for you. It's so hard to be bothered about anything in the early weeks of this heartbreak, if you want to stay in you do just that.

Good luck for the scan on Friday BreakDancingBadger

Hi all,

I've just had my next blood test to try and figure out what my thyroid is up to and what help it needs. I'm quite chuffed with myself because I have always been such a needle wuss but I got through this one with no one to hold my hand, no tears and no passing out. It is an achievement!

Next Thursday is the big consultant appointment. We'll be going over all the blood test results (my bloods from the day of birth), placenta results, Bobbie's skin sample results etc to see if there is anything to be learnt. Also to discuss the plan of action for the next pregnancy. And please God we will be able to find out if Bobbie was a girl or a boy, I find it so so hard not knowing, and trying to avoid saying "it"

AF appears to be starting today so hopefully this is the beginning of a ttc cycle

littlewish that sounds like a lovely day. It was very fitting really being Remembrance Sunday.

badger I'll be thinking of you on Friday and have everything crossed that you get good news and a lovely little picture. I can imagine how nerve wracking it is. How frequently are they planning to scan you this time?

Glad to hear AF is on its way spilt and also that your blood test went so well today. Will be waiting in anticipation to hear how your appointment goes next week - I hope you get some answers and reassurance.
Good luck with the TTC.

littlewish - your day yesterday sounds lovely and just right.

Keep us updated badger on scan news - it goes without saying that I hope it goes brilliantly.

It was my birthday yesterday (33) and my DH was away - was planned many months ago and at the time I didn't mind.
But we had a nice meal on Sat night and I had a nice breakfast in bed in the morning before he went.
My brothers and SIL's took me out for coffee which was lovely and I had a nice day.
I broke down a bit in the evening - boys in bed, no DH - again I think it gave me a chance to think and let it all out.

I am extremely paranoid at the moment about every little niggle and pain - to the point of being completely irrational at 1am this morning and thinking I was about to have a heart attack! I know this is a sign of anxiety (my DH has suffered badly with an anxiety disorder over the past few years, although is fine now) and am going to speak to GP about it at the end of the week.
Has anyone else experienced this?

I think I might take a break from the internet for a few days - I have been spending far too much time googling/researching stuff that probably isn't healthy, and its not helping.
So if I don't post for a few days that will be the reason.

ilove re the anxiety: yes I have been struggling with it too although it's come out in slightly different ways. I have been incredibly anxious about improbable things like DH being killed on the way to work/sports centre and my parents plane falling out of the sky when they were coming back from holiday. I am also deeply anxious about returning to work and having nightmares. And about 10 days ago I had the panic attack I posted about.

I think anxiety and panic are a normal part of grief, certainly it is now easing for me. The GP I saw a couple of weeks ago about this said she wanted me to go back this week to see how I'm getting on. She said it was likely that it would ease but if it wasn't getting better they would consider medication this time.

Definitely talk to your GP about it so they know how you are feeling. Have you considered whether counselling might help at all?

Be gentle with yourself. Is your DH back now? Happy birthday for yesterday

Hello everyone

I've been feeling better again over the last few days - it really is a rollercoaster isn't it?
I'm due to go back to work on Tuesday - going to see GP tomorrow. Think I may take one more week off. I feel like the longer I leave it the harder it is going to be to get back there. I'm part-time (3 days a week) and if I go back then I will have 3 weeks back and then 2 weeks off for Xmas hols (teacher perks ) so should make it easier.

Have you been back to see your GP split?

Glad you've had a better few days ilove.

I saw the GP yesterday, and I feel like I have found the holy grail (only taken 3.5 years...) a sensitive, kind GP who is permanent at my surgery woohoo get out the party poppers!! He was lovely, happily did me the fit note I requested so I can have a phased return to work. He was very sympathetic to what has happened to me and said not to feel at all guilty or ashamed if I find I need to take more time off. God it makes a difference when they are humane.

So I am going in tomorrow morning for a half day, then Mon-Weds next week, 4 days the week after and then full time (assuming it's all ok, I can step back again if needs be). It's next week we see the consultant on Thurs so I didn't want to have to be working on the Fri when I have no idea what we might have been told on the Thurs.

I had one of the "I am such a cowbag" moments the other day. I heard that our friends' 20 week scan was done last week and went really well. Of course I am pleased and of course I didn't want anything to have gone wrong, but God, all I felt was rage and then a pain like I'd been kicked in the chest. Why did I have to lose my baby and someone else keeps theirs?? I know there is no answer.

Sometimes I just feel that my life has parted company with the rest of the world's and is carrying on on a completely different tack. Their joy is my grief. It makes you feel so vile.

Thats good news about your GP spilt - it must be a huge weight off your mind to have the work situation sorted.
I'm seeing the GP I saw first who wasn't particularly sympathetic (my other one is off this week) so not looking forward to it really.

Don't feel bad about feeling angry about your friend - it's a natural reaction. I feel it everytime I see a pregnant woman at the moment.

I hope your appointment next week goes as well as can be expected.
How long did it take for the appointment to come through?
I'm really impatient for ours - but we were told it would take 8 weeks, its 4 weeks tomorrow so still got a while to wait.
I'm really hoping it will be before Christmas, as I feel in limbo.

I know what you mean about limbo. We were lucky, our appointment arrived in the posted about 10-14 days after being discharged from hospital so we've known when it would be for ages. I gave birth on 9th Oct, appointment on 25th Nov, so that must be 6-7 weeks in between (we were told 6-8 weeks). Can you phone someone at the hospital, or your CMW and see if they can give you an update?

I'm so sorry you have to see the rubbish GP, it's so stressful and upsetting being treated unsympathetically. At least if you've seen the nice one last time you can say "Dr X recommended this and asked me to come in and get the sick note. So here I am, please can you do it." Hopefully gives him less room to be a twat.

I was brave yesterday and ventured back in to my old antenatal group on here to say hello. I still feel a bit sick reading about all their good scans but mainly I feel relieved that no one else from there has had this happen to them. They were all really lovely and I felt better for having spoken to them . Somehow it's easier to cope with online people's pregnancies than RL, because you can't see the bump!

Well, I've been to the doctors and he was actually very nice. Been signed off for one more week (at my request), so will return to work on the 30th.
He checked my records and nothing has come back from the hospital yet.

We did get a letter this morning from patient services informing us of a memorial service that is being held at the hospital's chapel on the evening of 1st December.
I dod vaguely remember the midwife telling us about it but I wasn't with it at the time.
I think they read the names out of all the babies that have died at the hospital during that month (it is a monthly service).
It did upset me a bit - just to have contact with the hospital made it all feel real again.

Aaw poor you. Little things like that letter can really knock you for six.

I'm glad the doctor was nice, and I hope your last week off will help you feel a bit more able to face work again.

I've felt less lethargic in the last week or so which can only be a good thing. It's a bit like starting to come out of hiding/hibernation, and I've been able to go to the bank and visit a friend (things where you actually have to talk to people). Fingers crossed for tomorrow I will have a pocket full of tissues.

Good luck for tomorrow - sometimes its the anticipation of it that can be worse than actually doing it.
At least you've only got the one day this week and then its the weekend.

Hi iloveblue and spilt just a quick post wishing you both well.

Goodluck spilt for tomorrow you will probably need tissues for your work mates too, have a good cry together, you will all feel better once you see each other.

Glad to see you are o.k. iloveblue and all the best as you return to work soon too. You are so right about this being a rollercoaster.

A lady at work brought her new baby grand daughter into work today I just couldn't go over and say hello, she was born 2 weeks ago. They had a lovely 20 week scan the day before our devastating one. I should have a baby that size about now, I had such a shock to see them walk in that I was shaking with nerves, then I heard her cry and that made me cry. I knew they would be popping in at some time but god I feel rude for not going over to say hi. I went and hid until they went.

oh littlewish I'm sure the lady would have understood, please don't feel bad. I was telling ilove earlier how rageful I felt when I heard that our friends' 20 week scan has just gone well. It's all part of the crappy path we have to walk.

(I just found the bear and wanted to share it! If you feel up for a giggle then read the bonkers couple thread in Classics and the bear will make sense!)

Thanks spilt what a crazy pair, truly bonkers! pmsl. That has cheered me up no ends, ta

Hiya girls, just wanted to let you know my scan went well and i still have a baby with a heartbeat 8 weeks 3 days today.

littlewish dont feel guilty about not going over to say hi, i still dont think i could be that brave yet and its been 4 months since i lost my daughter.

spilt How was your first day back? Hope it was as good as it can be.

ilove How are you doing? I know what you mean about letters from the hospital knocking you back again. Also letters from companies you have signed up to while pregnant. I got one through the door a couple of weeks ago congratulating me on my newborn.... Its like a kick in the face again esp if you have had a good day that day.

I wont be on for a while now as we are going away for a week (had to have Freyas name taken off the holiday details so i didnt end up sobbing when they asked where she is).

Look after yourselves xxx

Congratulations Badger that's fantastic news. I hope you have a lovely holiday, take care x

I did my first morning back at work today and it was ok actually. I did cry when my boss asked how I was doing and he tried to send me home then. He was very sweet actually and was nearly in tears too - I think he wanted to give me a hug but wasn't sure if he should so he sat on my desk and patted my hand . Absolutely shattered now though and came home with a monster headache. Worst bit over now hopefully?

Work don't seem to give a monkeys what I do really and have said to come and go as I can and not worry about it. They've told me I can take time out in the nice counselling room if need be, and can book to see the counsellor if that would help (she's in 1 day a week and the rest of the time the room is open for those that need an escape). Thank God for a decent employer, ilove I hope yours are as kind.

Fab news Badger - I'm so happy all is going well.

littlewish - I echo what spilt and badger said , don't feel guilty for feeling like that - its completly natural in our circumstances and I'm sure she would understand.

Glad your first day back went well spilt - sounds like you have an understanding workplace. I love the idea of a counselling room! Would love one of those.
Do you do a highly stressful job?
Love the pom bears thread by the way - but where do you get the bear smiley?

I've had a good day today. Been at home with DS2 who starts school in January, so trying to make the most of the time left at home with him. I'm conscious that I havn't been myself with my boys for a while now - they had the sicky, tired me when I was pregnant and then the sad and lethargic me since the baby died, so trying to enjoy some quality time with them. Especially in the run up to Christmas which I'm starting to feel some enthusiasm for now.

Hoping you all have a lovely weekend - quiet one for us I think.
Off to watch Alice in Wonderland (Tim Burton one) on DVD with DH.

So happy you have good scan news badger and enjoy your hols. .

Glad your 1st day back to work went as well as possible spilt, nice that they are good and sympathetic to your feelings, a counselling room does sound great, somewhere for a little quiet 5 minutes to yourself if you need it. Hope you are o.k

Glad you are enjoying your boys iloveblue I've gone a bit soft with mine. Christmas is a bit hard to get bothered with this year I agree. I'm going to do some shopping today online and then and try to be in next week for the delivery man or I'll be thanking my neighbours again for looking after my parcels!

To get the bear type [ bear ]