Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

The other question I wanted to ask is about milk coming in. Does it always?
And how long after? No sign of any for me yet and I thought it would be here by now.

ilove I am off work at the moment. I was signed off for 2 weeks by the hospital doctor and then a further 2 weeks by my GP. After that we have a 1 week holiday booked, so that'll be 5 weeks off by then. I'll see how I'm doing at that point and might ask the GP to do a "Fit Note" asking for a phased return (do half days or something to get back in). Take your time, it's a huge thing to deal with and takes a while to even seem real. It's normal to alternate between feeling numb and sobbing like the world has ended.

We want to ttc again very quickly, it feels like the right thing for us to do. We're waiting until I get my first period and then will probably go for it.

Re the milk - mine came in on about day 4 and hurt like b*ggery. My boobs were really really hard and full and DH had to hug me sideways or by standing behind me because I couldn't bear any pressure on them. I leaked quite a bit too and made some makeshift breast pads with chopped up maternity pads/tissues. Take ibuprofen if you do have breast pain. It subsided fairly soon and I shrunk dramatically afterwards. Hope that helps.

One day at a time x

Your son sounds like a sweetheart

iloveblue sorry to hear your very sad news. You will have read my story on the link to spilttheteaagains thread.

I just wanted to add, that we didn't see our baby, but we did have the pics and hand & footprints (which I look at very frequently). I do not regret not holding/physically seeing my baby boy. I proudly carried our little boy into the crematorium though. We had a private service.

I felt the pregnancy was progressing well (although very nervous due to previous MMC at 15 weeks). However the week leading up to finding out, I did find that although our baby was moving, it was not as much as I had first felt. We opted for a full post mortem, because of previous MMC too. Our baby was born with the cord around his neck 6 times. The post mortem just confirmed that this was the reason for his death. I see that you have opted for this too, they will confirm the baby's sex through this.

My advice to you is collect the hand & foot prints and any pics taken of your baby (ask for them to be placed in an envelope before collection), you don't ever have to look at them, but at least you will have them. I think over time you will want to look at them, but without them you will never have that option IYKWIM.

I bled for 10 weeks after the birth. We 'tried' (but not very much) straight away, I fell pregnant on the 2nd cycle. I'm currently 12 weeks.

We put cards, poems and teddies from our 2DC and us into his casket. He is now home with us, in a tiny wood casket, with a plaque which states his name & date of birth.

It is a long road you have found yourself on iloveblue. As I explained to spilt, the grief does get easier, it doesn't go away and you will be changed 'somehow' forever.

Much love to you and your family.

xxx

Thanks for that spilt - I am thinking 5 weeks off work at the moment. With half term week this week that will be 6 weeks in total. I am going to make an appt with GP tomorrow.

Thanks for sharing your experience too mummywilliams I'm very sorry for both of your losses. Can I ask how long it took for your PM results to come through?
Congratulations on your pregnancy - I hope this one works out for you. xx

iloveblue baby was born on 29 April 2010, results given to us 1 July 2010, cremation 5 July 2010. I hope this helps.

I had 3 weeks off work, but I only went back because I work for myself and had no choice. But I definately wasn't 'ready'.

xxx

How are you today ilove? Thinking of you x

I am feeling a bit better today thanks Spilt.

Felt awful yesterday - very low and hopeless, and was finding it hard to be around my boys.

I'm much more positive today - am generally an optimistic person anyway. Just trying to get back to some sort of sense of normality, particularly for the kids sake.

I've just rung the Hospital Bereavement services and spoke to a very nice lady who has taken my details and is going to get one of the counsellors to ring me back. I am hoping to get the hand/foot prints we didn't get on Friday. Still not sure about the photos yet but I don't think there is any rush.

Found a lovely idea on the Bump and Baby website of planting a tree/plant as a memorial and think we will do that.

Still no milk coming in.

How are you doing Spilt? Is it getting any easier?

It's variable. I'm ok right now, but I really struggle late at night when I can't sleep and early in the morning when DH goes to work. I get really anxious and frightened that he'll be in an accident or something and won't come home and I couldn't cope without him - far too fragile just now. I know the chance of him being in a crash is so so small, but equally so is the chance of a MC at 20 weeks and now one unlikely and terrible thing has happened I'm scared about what else could. I'm told this sort of paranoia is normal...

Mainly at the moment I feel completely lethargic, like there's no point in doing anything and very, very down. I'm not crying as readily as I was and I hate that, it makes me feel guilty. And then there are plenty of times when I do just break down and sob, and they happen very suddenly without much of a trigger.

I have no other DCs to keep going for so I'm not having to try and fight how I feel, just letting it happen. I am going to go and pick some beans from the garden I think today (trying to "do" something at least each day), it looks nice and sunny out there.

I'm glad there was someone nice at the hospital, hope the counsellors are helpful when you hear from them.

Planting something is a lovely idea - maybe something that flowers or fruits either around now or around your baby's due date?

Hope the day carries on ok for you.

(I am finding great comfort in chocoloate hobnobs though - just incase you find this tip useful!)

So sorry for your loss, iloveblue.

I haven't experienced a late MC but did have a MMC earlier this year, picked up at my 12 week scan, and I so identify with that feeling that something wasn't right.
I had no reason to feel this way as I had lots of pregnancy symptoms etc, but couldn't talk about the birth or possible names because I didn't feel I would get that far, and on the day of the scan I was beside myself with fear as I walked into the room, as I knew my fears would soon be confirmed.
I also experienced the shock reaction of feeling numb for a day or so before it all hit me hard.

I am pleased you have lots of support around you - that will help a lot.
Thinking of you at this difficult time. x

Thanks for the support Pinkchampagne - sorry to hear about your MMC. Are you TTC again?

Chocolate hobnobs sound like a good idea Spilt - my brother bought me a big box of Lindor chocolates which are also very comforting!

I picked my beans

I am so very sorry for your loss :(
I lost 2 DDs at 20 weeks and 23 weeks. My 23 week DD had a severe chromosome disorder and my 20 week DD was too early to survive her premature birth. I had incompetent cervix and it was too late to stop. She was alive at first but died during birth.
I did see and hold both of mine but have some regrets even so. i think alot of people do. You can only go along with what you feel at the time. It is not possible to think in any rational way when going through tha horror and shock. Hope your days are more gentle soon, i also recommend sands x

Hi Jellybean so sorry you've been through this twice. How are you doing now?

My bleeding has got heavier this evening and I'm having period type cramps.
Wondering if its something to do with milk starting to come in - has anyone else experienced this?

Keep an eye on it ilove. Bleeding shouldn't really increase, but if you've been sitting/lying for a while then you can get a big flow afterwards as it's all pooled in you. Or if you've been quite active that might increase the flow (like during a period). But if you are losing a lot more blood, especially if there's clots and things then do let your MW know as I was told that could be a sign of infection, or of retained bits of placenta etc. Other things to watch for are nasty smells down there and a temperature and pain, especially if your abdomen is tender to the touch.

I was achy in a periody way for about 10 days and that is apparently fairly normal as everything in your body is moving back to the original places.

I will keep an eye on it spilt - I had been napping for a couple of hours so that might explain it.
I havn't had any period type pain up till now, seems to have settled down a bit.
I've got a docs appt tomorrow morning so will mention it then.

hi there, I am so very sorry for your loss and only have an inkling of what you might be experiencing.
I was interested in what you and others have said about not being in touch with your pregnancy..My story spooled out over a long thread but I'll give you the short version - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/1050102-mmc-let-it-happen-naturally-or-not-what
Basically, I conceived in mid-August and within a couple of weeks felt very pregnant. I had a positive test on September 1st but within a few days started feeling less pregnant and almost detached from the pregnancy, unlike my previous 2 pregnancies. Despite tests to monitor my HCG levels suggesting the hormones were going in the right direction I still felt just a bit pregnant so I had an early scan. This showed the embryo wasn't developing and I felt this validated my feelings.
However, at the next scan two heartbeats were discovered - I was pregnant with twins but they were small for dates. I then felt very pregnant for a few days, but then less so. At the next scan, the heartbeats had gone and I then had a physically traumatic natural miscarriage.
I understood why I stopped feeling pregnant at the start, but it was so strange the symptoms seemed to come back when I discovered I actually was pregnant.
The doctor who discharged me from hospital after the mc said that in her experience women almost always know when something is wrong, even before the baby stops developing.
I really hope you will eventually be able to come to terms with what has happened, and maybe in time consider how your body seemed to know what was going on - it is of some comfort to me that I had the instincts I did, although of course I am saddened at losing a much wanted pregnancy. lots of love

Thanks for sharing your story nevercansaygoodbye - so sorry that you have had a similar experience.

I really do believe that I knew deep down that something wasn't right and if this experience has taught me anything then it is to always listen to my instincts.

The bereavement counsellor rang me back earlier regarding baby's hand/foot prints and photos and my community midwife is going to collect them and drop them round to me.
Quite scary in a way as I know it is going to be very hard to open that envelope.

iloveblue - I so hope having the hand/foot prints and photos will help eventually.
Carrying a baby for 20 weeks, and feeling deep down that something wasn't right must be so deeply stressful and shocking. You have been suffering for longer than just since you physically lost your baby - uncertainty and fear are in themselves so difficult. I felt really guilty that I wasn't in tune with the pregnancy, almost as if I wasn't wholehearted enough to help it survive, like I switched off mentally as to fully hope it would work out would mean more of a loss if that makes sense. I hope you are getting all the love and support you need and deserve right now. xxx

Well - the midwife has just been round and dropped off the envelope.
Have put it away - will look at it later when the boys are in bed.

Just back from GP who has signed me off for 2 weeks initially - he wasn't particularly sympathetic to be honest, so when I go back I might see one of the other GPs.

My bleeding has settled - quite light now, and still no sign of any milk coming in. I am assuming it isn't going to come now.

It's odd isn't it how some medics have kindness and compassion beyond what you ever thought you'd find, and others seem to be in the wrong job..?

We had the bereavement MW visit yesterday to bring us the hospital photos of Bobbie. I had to get DH to look first and tell me if I would want to see them, as they were taken 2 days after we saw Bobbie and I was scared about how appearance might have changed. The pics are all soft focus and black and white and really nicely set out. The nicest one is just a close up of the little hands. Good luck deciding if you want to look or not. Maybe start with the hand/foot prints and see how you feel?

I'm so sorry to hear of all your losses (scared to mention names in case I accidentally leave someone off).

My instinct told me with my two MMC that the pregnancies were not going well - mainly because the symptoms stopped. I would add though that I worried about the DC I had between the two miscarriages, as I was convinced the symptoms had stopped again too. I think it's important for us all to trust our instinct, but once we have had one bad experience, it's easy to panic next time too.

Hi Mudandmayhem - sorry to hear about your MMC's.
I have been thinking about how worrying another pregnancy is going to be - I doubt we will relax at all particularly before the 20 wk marker.

Spilt I'm glad your hospital photos were nice - they sound lovely.

I'm feeling quite low again now - my inlaws have just been up to take us out for lunch, and I found it really hard just trying to be normal when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball on the sofa. We didn't really talk about what had happened - I know it's very hard for people, you just don't know what to say.

iloveblue just wanted to pop in to say, you are doing really well. This is great news that you have the photos and prints. You have them now, no rush to look at all.

Other people do find it hard to talk about it, I found that if I brought it up, they would then talk about it.

The other thing you mentioned about how you would feel when pregnant again. As you know, I have been through this terrible loss too (twice) and am currently pregnant again (12+2). I'm not gonna lie, it is very difficult. But there is help out there, I have a 'pregnancy' counsellor to talk about my anxieties etc. I am having fortnightly scans too (although the time in-between seems to take forever). Some days i'm ok with it, other days I am really down. But i'm glad I have found the strength to carry on, as you will too in time.

Nothing will take away the pain & loss I feel, but I am hoping that this time, will be our time.

Keep posting.

Thinking of you iloveblue and spilt

xxx