Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Hello everyone

Hi bluebump - thanks for the support and I'm so sorry for your loss. Can I ask if you went on to have a succesful pregnancy after you lost your DS?

We went to my brother and SIL's for the day yesterday - took the kids trick or treating in the evening.
It was nice to get out of the house - but I did find it hard. I was able to talk about what happened as my brother and SIL are both quite open, so that did help.
But just felt exhausted and rubbish when we got home.

Woke up last night with period pain and had some heavier bleeding again this morning including lots of small clots (sorry for TMI), which worried me. Am keeping an eye on it, it seems to have settled again now.
I'm also feeling very anxious and paranoid about every little niggle and pain I have.

My DH went back to work today and DS1 back to school so I had to get up and function this morning which has been hard. Avoided mums in the playground at school as there were a few who had noticed I was pregnant and had commented - and I'm not ready to have that conversation yet. So all in all, feeling quite low today - it really is up and down isn't it.

I really can relate to what happened with your family at the weekend spilt - it was the same when my in-laws came round last week. They seemed overly cheerful to compensate and it seemed like they just wanted to brush it under the carpet. I know it was for the boys sake more than anything but it did make me feel worse.

Anyway, will stop moaning now - I'm sorry for being so negative. Hope you are all okay and have a nice Monday x

littlewish . Have you considered making a complaint?

The treatment some of you have had is shocking. I'm starting to realise how incredibly lucky I was in that respect to be treated kindly, given lots of time, not pushed on decisions, and also well-prepared by MN.

It's awful that you have to be "lucky" to get humane care, it should be the norm.

bluebump so sorry for your loss also.

ilove don't worry about being negative! It must have been very daunting doing the school run, I do feel for you. I'm really uncomfortable and nervous around people at the moment, apart from a few who are in my "safe" category.

We had a nice visit yesterday from our vicar and wife (who arranged and held Bobbie's funeral with us) and they were really lovely. I imagine it comes from years of holding funerals and interacting with bereaved folk, but they just knew how to be around us. They gave us a lot of time and space to talk which I really wanted to do, they weren't uncomfortable with tears, and they didn't rush to fill the silences when I was thinking how to say something/trying to control my wobbling lip enough to say it. It was very cathartic. And they can talk about our baby and use Bobbie's name. I love to hear the name and know that Bobbie is remembered by more than just us.

I think as well they understand (unlike some others) that we are grieving the loss of this child as a real unique person, not just an idea. It doesn't matter how many babies we get to bring home in the coming years, there will always be one missing. The one that was due in Feb 2011 and should be 3, 4, 10, 18 years old...

It struck me that the really terrible things people can say after our sort of loss "It's nature's way/there must have been something wrong with it/you can try again/have another" show no understanding at all of the loss of a loved and wanted child. I wouldn't say to someone who's husband had died "it's nature's way/there must have been something wrong with him/you can remarry" because it's totally insensitive and not remotely helpful. I don't want a "replacement", I want the baby I have lost. Another baby will not mean I no longer feel the loss of Bobbie, that loss will always be there. And saying that the loss is ok because there was probably a problem with the baby - honestly! My baby was perfect to me and God help anyone who tries to imply my babe was faulty and therefore the death is ok really.

Hmm I am a bit ranty

I like to think that I will learn from this whole shitty experience better skills for being around people who are grieving.

spilt I totally agree - you have a good way of expressing how it feels.
Sounds like you have a lovely, understanding vicar.

I'm been feeling much better this afternoon and evening - physically and mentally.

Just heard the news about Lily Allen - how heartbreaking. I suppose when you have been through a similar experience you can relate to it so much more.
I was just reading about her first loss a few days ago as she was at a similar stage as I was (I think she was 18 weeks)and to lose another at an even later stage is just unimaginable. My thoughts are with them tonight.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say I lost a baby at 20 weeks in June 2008 and to share my experience in case it helps.

Our baby had no heartbeat at the anomaly scan - a total shock though looking back on it I too think I knew something wasn't quite right. He was my fourth baby and the other pregnancies had been pretty easy. We had a pm but, as we were warned, no reason for his death could be identified. I found that really hard to deal with. We had a funeral for him which was heartbreaking but the right thing for us. My milk didn't come in at the time he died but bizarrely came in on his due date which was awful.

The thing I found hardest was telling people what had happened and I feared bumping into people who might not have heard I had lost the baby - so I asked friends to make sure they told everyone so I didn't have to. We had a great deal of support - but also some idiot comments like a mum at the school who said we hadn't lost a real baby like her friend who's baby went to term! My parents didn't know how to deal with my loss even though they lost a baby who was 3 months old. So they just ignored it. Every anniversary has been very hard not least because this sort of bereavement is a hidden loss. Speaking to friends who had had miscarriages helped me enormously - just to not have to explain why you're feeling the way you're feeling!

We have gone on to have another baby - a boy who was born round about the time Jai would have been 1 which I found conflicting. I also found his pregnancy nerve-racking and although he has brought huge joy to our lives, we will always feel the intense sadness of Jai's loss. Your life does move on but you never forget. Even going back to work after my last maternity leave brought the memories flooding back because the last time I returned to work after having a baby was 3 weeks after Jai had died.

If I had any tips I would say take each day as it comes - don't be surprised if you are floored unexpectedly by overwhelming grief. It doesn't mean you are falling apart forever! If you have another pregnancy, expect it to be nerve racking and maybe to feel conflicted. I found for the first couple of months after Jai's death I thought of little else and relived the experience constantly. I found doing something that completely absorbed me, so that I had a break from thinking, really helped. Work for me was a godsend. Having my husband and 3 other children who I needed to go on for helped. And a friend dragged me out to a sushi-making class a month or so after Jai died. It was good to be with a room full of strangers who didn't define me by my loss and to have a completely new and difficult skill to tackle. Sounds banal but it helped give my brain a couple of hours off!

Much love to you and the others here who have lost their little ones.

I am so sorry for your losses littlewish, bluebump and mumtojai and everyone else out there who has lost a baby.

You're all so brave and inspiring. We've all had horrendous experiences and it sounds like I am not alone in having a terrible time with incompetence whilst in hospital too.

I'm just a bit wibbly today, as my GP now has the post mortem results and I have to go to see her today at 11.10 to find out what happened. We are going to see my obstetrician in a couple of weeks and my husband will be with me as well as a counsellor, but my GP (who is brilliant) wanted to see me too and I feel sick.But I will be on my own and I know I can handle it, but i'm scared all the same.

That's all. I just wanted to vent a little. I hope you all have a good day.

Big hugs xx

Thanks for sharing your story mum2jai - and I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one.
Thank-you for the tips - I have also found absorbing activities to be helpful, its good to just have a break from thinking about everything that happened.

Good luck for today leosmummy - I hope you get some answers. Thinking of you x

Thinking of you leosmummy, hope you are ok and not too sick x

Hello to you all x. Another day of wishing this was just a bad dream.

Sending you a hug leosmummy19 for today. Maybe a little answer will help.

You are so right mum2jai about constantly thinking about nothing else other than my lost baby, I have to force myself to be bothered about making plans for anything. I could quite easily cancel Christmas and I really dread the idea of New Years Eve fun this year.

Glad you feel a little better iloveblue the uncontrolable tears do easy slowly, they stay just beneath the surface until they pour out again in silly places like on the M & S escalator going past the baby dept. It's just so hard to hold them in some days.

Hope you are o.k spilt This is such a lonely experience I am glad to be able to have a little bit of contact with others who know how I feel. (I won't be complaining about my care that I had, I can't face it although feel guilty that maybe I should as others have probably had a similar experience to me and more are yet to experience it.)

Take care everyone, be kind to yourselves today. I'm going try and be positive today, I will be putting my smile on for my baby. My little one would not want me to be sad is how I feel today.

Thank you so much for all of your hugs.

We found out that our baby was a little girl (which we both knew...strangely) and we have called her Grace. We also found out that there was nothing wrong with her to have caused her death. We asked specifically for the placenta to be examined at the same time (and I KNOW it was in the lab on 18th September because I was told) as the scan 2 days before Grace died showed that the blood flow to the placenta and the placenta itself weren't great. And guess what? The hospital who "didn't know what to do with me" and didn't let me anywhere near a midwife or obstetrician have "lost" the placenta, so the vital information needed can't be found.Right now, anyway.

I don't know what to do with myself. We so wanted a little girl and I'm devastated to have lost her.I'm also very frustrated at the incompetance of the hospital. I NEED to know if I have a problem before we try again, and at 38 I feel we need to do this sooner rather than later. My GP is great and she is also furious, and says there is no point in seeing the consultant until we have the information from the placenta. Have any of you experienced this problem with the placenta? We don't know if it is a "fluke" or if I do indeed have a problem at this stage, as I had pre-eclampsia with my son, and growth restriction due to the blood flow through the placenta. He was delivered at 36 weeks.

Sorry for ranting. I am angry and upset, but not looking for someone to blame. I guess I just want answers, and need to get my head around the fact that I may not get them. An obstetrician appointment would be a start, but they were supposed to get back to me yesterday and haven't, typically.

Thank you for listening, and for your support. I may go to pieces now that I know about Grace. I love her so much and feel terrible that I couldn't support her life.I do know it is not my fault but it's hard to accept that it was the growing of the placenta that failed. At least we can now move forward and give her a memory box and plant a tree for her to remember her. We're lucky to have a gorgeous little boy too but I so wish we had Grace.

Sending you all big hugs xxxxx

iloveblue Yes I did go on to have a successful pregnancy, my living DS was born a day before his big brothers 1st birthday, terrible timing but it was always going to be a stressful pregnancy I think. I chose not to have a post mortem after my DS died simply because there were so many blood clots in the placenta and that i'd lost it was obvious the problem was with me - I was monitored in my 2nd pregnancy and medicated during and after pregnancy (simple aspirin during).

Sorry to hear of all the other losses here, it's a gang no one wants to be part of but the best comfort comes from those who know how it feels. x

leosmummy19 Grace is a beautiful name.

Sorry to hear of yet another let down from that hospital

What a shambles that hospital is leosmummy - hope you are okay.
I second what littlewish said, Grace is a lovely name and seems perfect somehow.

Thank you for all of your lovely messages. I find MN so supportive and couldn't get through this without it.

Yesterday evening, my lovely GP called to say that she had chased the lab, found the placenta and that the examination showed that there were no abnormalities. We also know that there were no abnormalities with baby Grace either so the cause of miscarriage is unknown. She said to be reassured by this as I have had one healthy son already, and to go ahead and try for another baby.

I don't know what to think. The scan I had before Grace died showed high resistance in the uterine artery and DRs were expecting to see problems with the placenta and there were none visible. I know I will talk through things with my consultant but nature just seems to be too cruel.

Have any of you experienced this, where losing your dear babies was unexplained? How were subsequent pregnancies? I'm trying not to stress myself out as there obviously was a problem, but not a chronasomal, infection, heart or seemingly detectable one. I guess my obstetrician will be able to shed light on the low Hcg levels, high papp-a and resistance in the uterine artery? Grace was the absolutely right size for her gestation.

Sorry to keep waffling. Your support is so helpful and it helps me to get these thoughts out of my head. They then stop me from going mad!

Have a good day ladies, and lots of hugs to you all xxxx

Your GP sounds fab leosmummy - I'm glad you've got someone on your side.

We won't get our test and PM results for a while yet but I am expecting the same to be honest. We were told to be prepared for the fact that there may be no evident reason, and from what I've read on here and other message boards it seems to be the norm.

I can imagine it must be heartwrenching to find out that Grace was a perfectly healthy baby - but its also a positive as it means there should be no problems in having a successful pregnancy in the future.

I hope you go on to get some more info from your consultant.

Thinking of you x

Thank you ilove

I really hope you do get some answers. I was re-reading your initial post and you lost your dear baby a week after we lost Grace, so your results should be coming through soon as it takes 6 weeks? I hope you are ok, and feeling stronger each day? I tend to be super-mum one minute and a growling bear the next, but super-mum is winning mainly! The counsellor at Mayday is going to call later as they have now got ALL of my notes in one place, including the ones from my previous pregnancy, so maybe now we will get somewhere.

Thank you so much for replying and big hugs to you xx

leosmummy Grace is a beautiful name and seems very fitting for such a lovely little baby. I'm so glad you were able to find out the sex, we're still waiting and hoping they can tell us.

I have been summoned to the GP tomorrow to discuss my blood test results from post birth. Apparently I have an underactive thyroid which is a possible reason for losing Bobbie (of course it may be nothing to do with that), so they want to test me again. It is utterly sickening to think it could have been my body's failure. I was coping ok-ish by thinking it was just random bad luck, but this has thrown me quite a lot.

Is anyone else struggling with anxiety and almost panic attacks about things? (not specifically baby loss things either). I am really struggling with this and it is miserable. I am also panicking and sleepless over returning to work. I don't know if that means I'm not ready yet or not. It's the thought of people exposure and a lack of escape that I can't cope with.

Hi spilt
I'm sorry I don't really know much about underactive thyroids - but I definitely wasn't aware that it could be the reason for losing a baby.

I hope you get some reassurance tomorrow when you go and see your GP.

I have been feeling a bit panicky also. Am struggling with the day to day things.
Am finding it very hard to take and collect DS from school and I'm doing everything in my power to avoid the other mums.
As the baby that we lost was my third pregnancy I had quite a big bump and I'm sure most people would have noticed and several of the mums I see regularly had commented. I'm not close enough friends with any of them that I could text/phone one of them and ask them to tell the others, so finding it a bit of an ordeal at the moment.

Maybe you're not ready to go back to work yet - I keep thinking about the fact that if we had lost our babies 4 weeks later we would have qualified for maternity leave.

I'm seeing my GP on Monday to be signed off for at least another 2 weeks - I will have had 2 weeks off by then. But if I'm not ready to go back after 4 weeks off I will ask for more time. I'm a teacher, and although I'm part-time, its a stressful job and I can't even begin to comtemplate being there at the moment.

Hope your appointment goes well tomorrow - will be thinking of you. x

Thanks ilove. I feel so wuss-like about work as I've had nearly 4 weeks off now and have next week booked as holiday anyway. I half expect to be told by the GP that I'm being daft and get back in, and I'm half expecting work to think I am over-egging it. But honestly I'm not. As you say had our losses not been picked up for 4 more weeks then we would be able to take up to a year to recover without needing anyone's permission. I am certain that the physical and emotional effects of this loss would have been no different at 20 or 24 weeks.

I have several things to talk to the GP about. Obviously there's this blood test result - what might it have meant, what implications are there for next time, what drugs/early checks are needed etc. I also want to ask for a referral for counselling. And I need to talk about work and whether I am able to go back or not. I honestly don't know and I am desperately hoping for an understanding doctor who will be able to help me work it out.

I'm very nervous about it, I've not done well with GPs here yet. The last time I saw someone was 1 week before the scan to say I felt far too run down and exhausted and was worried about anaemia. She treated me like a timewaster and appeared to think that 19 weeks was 1st trimester . She told me it was normal to be tired and basically put up and shut up. I came home and cried. It took a lot of courage to go in and say I couldn't cope and I was completely dismissed. Tomorrow is sort of the same thing, albeit more of an emotional "can't cope" and I am scared of being fobbed off and not taken seriously.

On the other hand as goes work I must remember that when a woman I work with broke up with her partner she was off sick with stress for about 3 months. There were a couple of slightly raised eyebrows at work but basically everyone was fine about it. Surely they would have similar tolerance for someone who has given birth and been bereaved?

I asked two midwives and my consultant how much time off work people usually have after a loss of this kind and they said it varies. They suggested to take at least a month off - but they all stressed the importance of taking as much time as you need.

I honestly don't think anyone could raise eyebrows about having time off after what you have been through.
If you need a few more weeks then take them - what difference will it make to your workplace in the grand scheme of things.
My consultant and midwife also said that if I had any trouble with GP signing me off then to get in touch with hospital and they would deal with it - so thats maybe something you could do if you don't get the outcome you're hoping for tomorrow.

I really hope you get an understanding GP - let us know how you get on x

The GP was lovely , I am so relieved. Sadly she is a locum so chances are I won't get her again.

I have been signed off for 2 more weeks. She's sending me some counselling info once she's checked who our practice uses.

Re the thyroid thing, I have to have another blood test to compare to the first result so that is in about 10 days. Apparently my TSH is 6.7 which is a bit high (should be under 5 ish) and means the thyroid is a bit inactive. They don't automatically medicate at this level but my understanding is that they would if I was pregnant as the value should be a lot lower in pregnancy. Will see what the next test brings.

Thanks for the reassurance yesterday. How are you feeling today?

Hi all

I just wanted to say hello and I hope you are all doing as well as can be expected.

Spilt - I'm doing okay, thank you for asking. I'm pleased you've been signed off work for longer. It's such a personal thing and only you know how you feel. I'm sure the counselling will help also. I have returned to work (hence not being on here recently). Wasn't sure if it was the right decision but I was rubbish on my own away from DH & DS so decided to return for a few hours a day.

Leosmummy - it sounds like you've had an awful time with the hospital. I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope that now you have the counsellor on your side things will happen easier, without you having to fight for them. Can I ask - and please ignore me if I'm being nosey - was the Mayday hospital you mention in Croydon? (not sure if there's more than one...) I ask as I too have just been treated at Mayday and because of the treatment I received there in A+E and the EPU, I honestly don't want to step foot back in there ever.

So glad your GP was sympathetic spilt. Take off as much time as you need. Leaving the house is hard enough concentrating at work all day every day - impossible if you ask me.

When I went back to work (only work part-time) I could not motivate myself at all and just was not interested. I was on auto pilot and my head was in it's own little world the whole time. I felt self conscious that everyone was looking at me and were they thinking she looks ok seeing as she lost her baby a few weeks ago, if only they could read my mind. I thought I felt o.k enough to go back to work when I did (went back after 4 weeks then had a holiday after 2 weeks for 2 weeks) but looking back I should have gone back after my hols. I feel fine in work now 4 months down the road, I can concentrate better and I feel comfortable there.

Hope you are o.k today iloveblue

Hi Lou

What did you decide in the end about the funeral arrangements? I hope you've been able to do something that was right for you and have given some comfort.

How are you finding being back at work?

I realised this morning how unready I am actually. In addition to work I'm also the treasurer for a local church (voluntary role) and I had a horrible accusing phone call from someone this morning about something that hadn't been dealt with yet (funnily enough because after my baby died 4 weeks ago the church accounts have not been top priority). I said I'd find out the details and get back to her, put the phone down and had a panic attack. It was awful. I was in hysterics and crying, hyperventilating and I couldn't breathe. Went all dizzy and thought I would be sick . This is not normal. And work will put the same demands on me - customers chasing things, asking me to do things, lots to multitask and manage. I can't be like this there!