Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Thank you. Sorry to hear your stories too, littledink, bluetinkerbell, spilttheteaagain.

No reason found, yet. The first time I did it naturally at home by myself so no tests or so on were done. The second time my membranes ruptured spontaneously with no pain and I went to hospital where I was induced, so a post mortem this time for which we're waiting on results. They said we'd be waiting twelve weeks and have an appointment with a consultant. We'd had a scan and seen/heard the heartbeat just three days before my water broke. Even after my water had gone our baby stayed alive for about 24 hours but passed away at 17 weeks and 2 days by my dates and was delivered about 36 hours later. That was a month ago, I went back to work after 6 days and I work with babies and pregnant women. I'm now struggling with lots of anger towards pregnant women and trying not to let it show, it's awful :(

I just can't imagine how hard that is. Our little niece was born a few days after we lost our little one and that was hard enough, let alone an abundance of happy mum's and babies, who you are seeing every day. Just try to remember that those little babies aren't your little one or what your little one would have become - that's how I try to get through it when we see our niece.

I am hoping that with time it gets easier, although I hope i never forget the feeling of carrying her or getting to know her. I tried to go naturally too as I started bleeding in between the scans but it was a massive error, I had complications and had to be rushed into hospital and had to have an operation (but awake unfortunately). I am also having horrible dreams and really horrible thoughts and feelings take over when i'm trying to work or just out and about, like when the really lovely midwife told me, the problems the following week, the surgery, telling my husband whilst he was out in Afghan - it's just so intrusive but I have to take comfort in the fact that it can only get easier.

I know that we do want to try again but I am so worried that I am just going to be so anxious if I am lucky enough to fall pregnant again. I am a very chilled person normally and whilst I did everything right whilst i was pregnant, I just went with the flow and really enjoyed it - and I want to be like that if there is a next time, but I know i'll be worrying.

I think I will pay privately for early scans to put my mind at rest - any way you can go private to get your results through? Might be that you need to know what has happened and once you do the anger may subside.

have you been offered any support on the NHS? I haven't...

Sorry to hear it was complicated littledink. That must have been hard. Honestly I didn't want to do it 'naturally' again as it took a very long time to start the first time and then was a full labour, 18 hours, and a lot of bleeding. I knew it was bad at the time but I didn't really feel qualified to comment but then I had my DD and did 'real' labour in the same way, at home on my own, and I was somewhat surprised to find that that first MC was much worse, pain-wise. So I chose to be induced with this one, which was actually a lot better. I will have the consultants appointment eventaully but other than that, I don't know what support there can be, really.

Early scans won't put my mind at rest, that's one of the many cruel jokes of pregnancy after late miscarriage - as I lost my first and have been pregnant twice since I feel qualified to comment on that (still feels odd to think I've had three babies). We put off telling everyone until after the time of the previous loss, so I was 15 weeks when we told everyone, including our DD, who is 5 and well able to understand the loss. Going to school and telling her friends about her dead baby brother. It's exactly what we wanted to avoid and I feel so angry she's been robbed and upset so.

Oh god MsScarlett you are brave to be back at work in that environment. I was signed off for 6 weeks and then had a slow phased return (much slower than planned after I went to bits on the first week...) Would you benefit from talking to your GP and considering taking some time off, or being referred for counselling? I wish I'd got counselling - I asked but it never happened. I did have a few visits from the bereavement midwife at the hospital though and that was really good, especially because she specialises in exactly this sort of situation.

littledink Elsie is a really pretty name , and planting something for her would be lovely. I am soooo with you on the "don't worry it'll be fine" comments pissing you off! When you've been that 1% or whatever who loses a baby after the 1st trimester, then being told the chances of anything going wrong next time are tiny is a cold comfort. So were the chances last time, and now you know that these things don't always happen to someone else. That's something that MN has been great for - here I could actually articulate my fears without people brushing them off as paranoia, because here there are people who understand. Just having that fear acknowledged somehow made it easier to face.
Big hugs, the horrible thoughts are really distressing. I guess time softens the shock though. It doesn't heal as such, but you get used to it, and it stops being a shock. The dark days will always come, but with time they get further apart. You will survive it xx

I knew something was wrong on the Wed, was fitted in Friday am and was off the following week, then went back to work. I sort of felt like I wanted to get back to some kind of normality and with my friends, especially as I was just in the house on my own. But I certainly couldn't have done it if I worked with children - you are just so strong. I can totally understand why you feel so upset and angry.

We lost Elsie at the end of June and I just got on with life but all of a sudden it seems to be haunting me. I feel like i'm over the shock of it but just so sad about it all.

I know exactly what you mean about the chances of things going wrong, it won't give me any comfort at all. Even when I was going through it all, before I found out for sure, people were saying oh of course it'll be fine - wo betide anyone who says that if I fall pregnant again!!!

We hadn't told many people, just our parents and best friends, but after it happened I told a few more people so they'd understand why I wasn't my usual self. Also I am never ever off work, but to be off 10 days everyone knew something was up so I decided to tell my colleagues. it upsets me that everyone just seems to have forgotten and assumes it's all fine once you've gone through the physical stuff.

When I was in the hospital the gynacologist said that what i'd been through was worse than labour, both in pain and of course walking out of the hospital without our bundle of joy. At least that's some sort of comfort if we make it full term in time.

Do you know I feel so much better already just speaking to other people going through it, less isolated if i'm honest. Thanks you so much ladies. Such a support but i'm so sorry to hear that we've all had such horrible experiences.

Hopefully we'll be talking in the future on a much happier blog :-)

Thanks spilttheteaagain - not brave at all, apparently I'm just really mean and doing noone any good. I have a pretty full caseload of people who rely on me and I'm really the only one that can do the job I do at the moment. Let a lot down by taking the week off. I haven't seen a GP, again it didn't occur to me to go, I don't know what I'd say really, I haven't seen a GP in years and don't have a named one. Not sure about counselling - again just don't know what there is to say really. God I sound awful don't I. I didn't know there was such a thing as a bereavement midwife until I read this thread. Haven't seen anyone since leaving the hospital.

littledink I agree Elsie is a lovely name. I don't want to share my baby's name as I don't want to be outed. Yes the percentages piss me off too, especially being on the wrong end of them twice which if it's down to pure chance is 1 in 10,000 for it to happen twice. We are TTC again but I have no idea how I'm going to cope with pregnancy .I suspect by ignoring it. I have every faith you'll manage it though.

Well, I think that you have quite a lot to share on the blog - and it seems clear that you needed to share, having become involved in the discussion - and I certainly am not a professional. Maybe it's worth a shot - I guess it can't do any harm, and things probably can't feel much worse than they do at the moment. It may be a weight lifted off your shoulders - a problem shared and all that. In saying that, I don't know how I feel about it either - I do tend to just handle things on my own (until today on the suggestion of my best friend - and it has really helped).

We had a few names, but only one girl - and it wasn't Elsie - until it happened, and it just was obvious. Weird feeling.

We too are trying again, I don't want to jinx it by saying that it'll happen for us, but I really hope it does. I know I will need a lot of support (I am usually very independant).

I get it with the job thing, I am in the same boat, but I am pleased i'm back - keeping myself busy. The times I get really upset is when i'm on my own with nothing else to think about. ALthough I do sort of think that I need to make myself think about it, to get my head around it and try to not get so upset. It's just so hard - there are no right or wrongs are there, it's jsut finding out what works with you to get over the grief.

I lost my best friend when she was 21 (almost 8 years ago) and I found that I sorted everything out, and went back to work almost straight away - and about 3 months later it hit me - I think that is my bodies way of dealing with grief....

I am sure that it will get easier over time and with the right support for us alll....xxx

littledink it must be near-ish your due date now? Just wondering if that is the trigger for some of the feelings. But yes, a delayed shock is very normal - most of us on this thread experienced something similar. As you say the grief often comes to the fore when you're alone, but it does help to let it out.
I know just what you mean about people forgetting and moving on, and as the mother that's just not possible for you. Honestly, my Bobbie died October 2010 and not one day has passed where I don't think of her many times. It's a fond memory most of the time now, but always tinged with sadness. Occasionally the grief completely takes over again - on her birthday I couldn't help but sob and sob - but you do find a new normal in time. She is always part of our family, our first baby. It hurts when people forget her or don't acknowledge her as such.
Glad its helping you to post x

MsScarlett you don't sound awful at all, you sound very lost . Please don't worry that you let people down being off for that week, I'm sure your colleagues etc would be horrified to know you felt that. You need to look after you. Imagine it was someone else who had lost a baby, - you'd want them to take some time to look after themselves/grieve/physically recover too. Work guilt is hard, I had a lot of that. Remember that people who lose babies at 24 weeks + are entitled to full mat leave (1 year). I have always believed that Bobbie's death at 20 weeks was not any easier than it would have been at 24, and that its a very arbitrary cut off. Compared to the 52 weeks of mat leave, my 6 weeks of sick didn't feel too wrong then.

Since you're both TTC, jsut want to invite you to this thread in conception - lots of mothers who've lost babies late in pregnancy, many at full term, and in the TTC/pg stage and a couple of us who've just had our rainbow babies. Lots of support here for the ttc and the pregnancy if you want to join.

Hi all

Me and my partner lost our baby yesturday
After noon at 3pm I saw every fink down the
Toilet I had to get rid of it all my self as I was
Onli in with my brother at the time
Partner was down school collectin other children
I have found it reli hard to come to terms with
The news I haven't stoped cryin since I saw
His / her lil feet n lil hands over face .. Still have
Images in my head I jus don't knw how
I'm goin to cope xx

Ms scarlett, littledink and sebbz -

So very sorry for you loss and thanks so much for sharing! thoughts and prayers out to you all.
Sebbz - sorry didnt reply sooner no internet, My thoughts are with you at this time, for the loss of a much wanted baby is very hard,i hope your getting full support from your friends and family.

im feeling slightly low would of been on maternity leave about now so im gutted and feeling abit sorry for myself as im not pregnant again to take my mind of haveing my baby a few days after christmas!!!!
tears will be flowing on that day so much for my little lost one!!!!

Thanks Mama5isalive. It's hard to think about milestones like mat leave isn't it. I was working the other day with two pregnant women talking about about on mat leave after Christmas, I was expected to do a presentation to them and I couldn't think about much to be honest. They were comparing notes about their pregnancies and complaining of symptoms and I wanted to tell them all about my baby and how I should be pregnant too but that would have been very inappropriate.

I'm sorry for your loss sebbz and hope you're getting some support.

Hi MsScarlet sebbz and littledink so sorry to see that you too have lost precious little ones, be kind to yourselves, my thoughts and understanding are with you all.

If things had worked out as they should have my little baby would be 1 today (had he or she arrived on their due date) I would have cake and balloons in the house and lots of smiles, instead i'm off to work soon and it's a quiet normal Monday. I shall light a lovely new candle tonight for the baby. DH bought me flowers on the weekend, feeling a bit weepy today. (Thanks for remembering spilt, hope you and Freya are well x)

ahhhhhh littlewish - it must be so hard and a year on the sadness of a lost baby and what you would be doing if baby was here is hard!
im just praying the pain of how im feeling right now will go and i would have something to look forwards too real soon!
MSITL - yes milestones is hard and im noticing the constant reminders getting really hard! the jan thread has moved on countless pages and now they must be nesting and buying stuff while i just want to be pregnant again!
is it wrong for me to want it????? as u see changed my name because i need too! a BFP would be a great christmas present!
all the best for u x

Hi all.

Well....i've had some lovely news today - i'm pregnant! 4 weeks, a lovely Christmas present. I've arranged a private scan for 7th Jan to make sure that everything is ok, much more anxious but so blessed at the same time.

Mixed feelings really, will always miss and feel sad about the loss of our little one. She would be joining us about now. But in a way feels like this is meant to be.

FIngers crossed this goes smoothly, couldn't handle going through that again and I really feel for you all going through this.

THank you all so much for your support over the past 6 months.

xxxxx

ohhhhhhhhhh HUGE MASSIVE CONGRATS TO YOU LITTLEDINK!!!!!
thats great news just before christmas going into the new year with a new hope is wonderful! happy for you xx

aaw congratulations littledink so pleased for you! Let us know how your scan goes xx

Thanks guys!! Yes a lovely end to an otherwise awful year. I feel different this time but really trying my best not to worry, as that'll be no good for little one. Only 3 weeks and a bit until the scan, around the same time little one stopped growing last time, and then just three weeks to wait until the next scan so I hope that's a bit of a comfort!

xxx

in my thought and prayers littledink all will be well xxx

Feeling SO nervous now...having a bit of a stressful week, in the build up to the scan on Saturday. Having horrible nightmares about miscarrying and they are so realistic, after seeing such a sad scan last time, I have such a massive fear of it happening again and it would just break my heart. I so hope that everything is ok. I'm not usually a worrier, but the last week it's taking over a little bit. I'll let you know how we get on. If everything is ok, thankfully it'll only be three weeks until the next scan and hopefully my mind will be at rest a little more, but we will see. Keep everything crossed!!!!

How are you all doing?

thinking of you littledink let us know how you get on!

Hi folks,

We the 9 week scan was amazing. Little one wriggling around and flipping it's little arms, heard the heartbeat - lots of tears!!

I am now 11 weeks - and really panicking. Having just the most awful fear that it's happened again. I have literally had no pregnancy symptoms this week - no sickness, boobs not sore, not tired. It's just so disconcerting and i'm a wreck.

I also saw the midwife for the first time this week and had to talk about the miscarriage and the aftermath (which was terribly traumatic) - I found it so hard, and broke down. I've been referred to counselling, which i'm not sure about but have nothing to lose. It's not massively helpful now, when I am massively anxious and all I want to do is see little one again.

Also found out this week that my husband is going away on Monday for 2 months - so he'll miss the scan that i'm so nervous about.

How are you all doing? x

Littledinks - sorry missed the last post!
But I'm glad all is well and that your going to be getting the support you so deserve! I do pray you take this pregnancy 1 day at a time!
And all should understand how nervous you must be because of what had happened!
It seems that everyone else who used to be here has jumped off onto other threads- I do hope that wherever u guys are that all is going well with you all- those pregnant thanks for giving others not just yet the hope that it will happen for us! Those waiting hold on that it will happen!
Whoop I'm excited to see what the next few months has in store for me!
Much love xxx

Hi,
Sorry i havent been on in such a long time.... Its so incredibly sad to see all the new names of mums who find themselves in this awful situation... Im so sorry for all of your losses.

littledink Congratulations on your pregnancy I lost my little girl at 32 weeks in July 2010 and my rainbow baby is now 7 months old so i can completely understand all the worry/fear/excitement that goes with a pregnancy after a loss.

My only advice is take it one day at a time, easier said than done i know. Its a long hard journey and you think you will be grey with all the stress by the end of it but you will get there.

Im so thankful that i had this thread to help me through. Its a lifesaver to have people that understand what you are feeling as i was about ready to kill the next person that told me 'it will be fine this time' (including a consultant that kept spouting that it was a very low risk of anything going wrong and therefore shouldnt have extra scans... What like a stillbirth??!! grrrr!!!)

Good Luck x

Hi!

Yes very much been taking one day at a time, and to be honest not allowed myself to imagine an actual baby.

I've just had my 13 week scan and little one is healthy. One milestone down, one step at a time. My husband has just gone away for 2 months, back end of march so i'll be 20 weeks - just in time for the next scan, hopefully.

I absolutely cannot imagine what you've been through - 32 weeks. You are so so brave. Big big hugs.

And I agree, THE most annoying thing anyone can say is dont worry, it'll be fine. Until that baby is in my arms I won't believe it. xxxxx

Littledink I didnt allow myself to imagine i would have a live baby until she was placed on my chest and i could check her. She came out screaming but i still wouldnt believe it until i had hold of her then i wouldnt let her go

Do you have close family to help you through? You are the brave one with your husband being away.

I think i just shut down for the whole pregnancy as i was so ready for it to happen all over again. But you can do it. If you need to chat you can inbox me if you want as im not on here as often as i used to be.

Hope everything is going well

xx