Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Thank-you so much Mummywilliams - your support means a lot to me.

I'm so glad you are getting support for this pregnancy - I really hope it continues to go well for you.

I havn't opened the envelope yet - I've been feeling the best I have felt since it happened over the last few hours and don't want to bring myself down again at the moment.

I had a big cry this afternoon - first time I've been alone in the house and it really helped, think I have been sub-consciously holding it in for the sake of the boys.

How are you doing spilt?

oh ilove I wish I could give you a big hug! It is good to cry isn't it? I find the utter emptiness so much harder than the crying.

How's things today for you?

I had a rubbish day yesterday. Just feeling so completely hopeless and wanting to go to sleep and not have to wake up to this anymore. I still talk to my baby every day, just like I did when I was pregnant but now it feels like I've had a limb cut off or something. There's such an ache and a longing for the baby that should be here still, but is missing. I've found and read some lovely poems that talk about my baby being on the other side and still loving me, waiting for me, being cared for up there - and they do comfort in some ways but in other ways send me into total despair. I can't bear the terrible thought of my baby alive somewhere else and not being cared for by me because it is my job and I want it. I rebel against the idea of Bobbie being safe in God's hands because I want Bobbie safe in my arms.

Not sure if this makes any sense to you, but actually it's helping me to write it, and if you do go through similar thoughts at least you'll know you aren't alone!

I still don't think I've accepted that Bobbie is gone. I know it on a rational level but every part of me is fighting that knowledge as if I can't and won't believe that it's true.

Here's one I found and liked:

THE BROKEN CHAIN

We little knew that morning, that God
was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly,
In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
you did not go alone;
for part of us went with you,
the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories
your love is still our guide
and though we cannot see you
you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same;
but as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.

Thinking of you ilove, be gentle with yourself and let yourself feel however comes naturally, there's no right way to be just now xx

ilove just seen your post yesterday about your lunch with the inlaws. I do know what you mean about finding it so difficult to be in company and try and listen/talk about other things. Did they give you any opportunity to talk about what's happened at all? I know it's not the same, and not enough, but if there are things you want to say do keep saying them here. We aren't afraid to listen and aren't afraid of your tears.

I think half of people's reluctance to talk with bereaved folk is because they have this mistaken idea that talking will upset you. And if you cry they feel guilty.
I do think people need to be told what you need from them, but I'm not sure how to do that? When you seem to be ok they probably don't want to "remind" you of your loss (which is stupid because you haven't forgotten about it for a minute) and they don't want you to cry because they'll think they've upset you (which is also stupid, because you're upset because you lost your baby, them bringing it up does not make the loss worse). The most hurtful thing I find is when people don't say anything, because then I feel like they don't care.

People can be so clueless

Hi spilt

I'm feeling much better today - woke up in a positive frame of mind and I'm still just about in it.

Popped into town earlier to have a wander round and get some fresh air and I did find that quite difficult.

Seeing other pregnant ladies was painful as well as baby things in shops. I was also worried I might bump into someone I knew and have to explain why I'm no longer pregnant.

I also kept thinking 'last time I was in this shop I was pregnant etc' - am doing that a lot and it hurts.

But I'm generally in a more positive mood - am thinking about Christmas and when we might start TTC again.

Sorry you had a bad day yesterday spilt - hope you are feeling better today.

I agree with your feelings about your baby being with someone else somewhere.
I'm not religious and don't really know what to think regarding the after-life etc, but at some points over the last few days I have been imagining our baby somewhere with my best friend who died of leukamia 9 years ago(she was 23). The fact that she never got the chance to have children made it feel right, but then I started feeling angry thinking 'why should she have my baby and not me'. I think the fact that I have my boys (4 and 6) helps with this a bit - I know I'm very lucky really.

yy to the "last time I did this/this time two weeks ago..." thoughts, I do that a lot and it makes you feel awful

I'm definitely having an easier day thanks, and have done my first outside world trip alone in nearly three weeks (since the scan day) so I feel quite proud of myself. I only went to Sainsbury's but it's progress.

So sorry to hear about your friend as well, that's a terrible thing to happen.

I hope you and the boys are muddling through the day ok.

How are you today spilt?

I'm feeling a bit stronger everyday - think I am over the first major hump, although I feel like I have a cloud of sadness hovering above me, and have to keep stopping to remind myself that I am not pregnant anymore.

My bleeding has almost stopped - thought it would have lasted longer. I'm also really confused about why I havn't had any milk.

I'm wondering if baby died earlier than we thought and my body had already adapted - this would explain why I never felt much movement. Have so many questions/theories - am hoping that some of them will be answered when we go to see consultant in a few months time, but I'm also prepared for there to be no outcome as we have been warned.

Hi, still going

FWIW my bleeding was also not very long lasting (about 10 days, but very light after about day 4) compared to the several weeks you hear about after a full term delivery.

I'm completely with you on the forgetting you aren't pregnant thing. I think I know that now but it took a while for it to sink in at all.

I'm glad you're feeling stronger, hope it continues. Something someone said to me about a week after the birth was "Be prepared for it to get harder, and don't feel you're doing badly if it does" which was actually really helpful because it has got harder in some ways. I think there's a fairly delayed reaction to something like this because it's such a massive adjustment, and because the physical side effects last for a couple of weeks which can delay the acceptance and grieving. I don't think for me the grieving really started until the bleeding/milk stopped. As long as those things were still happening I still felt physically connected to the pregnancy and it wasn't over.

I don't want to say that to depress you, but just to say if you do find it all gets tougher and sadder in the coming days then you aren't alone, you aren't cracking up and we will all still be here for you.

It's 3 weeks today since our scan and I've found it hard thinking about it all, especially coming up to the appointment time.

Keep going, you're doing great.

Its a week ago today that we found out our baby had died and I delivered.

Feeling quite low today as is to be expected. I've just had a good cry - my DH has taken boys out shopping, and I had a look at hand/foot prints.
I can't get over how tiny they are, the hand print is about the size of my thumb nail.

Not looking forward to tomorrow as it is the day we would be going in for our anomaly scan, so am thinking of things to help keep me busy.

The significant days are so hard, I'm glad you've got a bit of space this afternoon for yourself.

The little prints are so beautiful, I can't get over how small and yet how perfectly formed little babies are. Infact when I saw my friend's newborn 2 years ago I was amazed she even had fingernails and eyebrows, I think I expected them to appear a bit later [hblush]

Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

To ilove, spilt and all of you who have lost your dear babies, I am so, so sorry for your losses.

I lost my baby at 14 weeks, 6 weeks ago today. Today is the day of the service for all of the "non-viables" (that is the hospital description) and they will all be cremated together. It is taking place as I write, and we are not allowed to be there. We had an awful experience at the hospital when I lost my baby, and have been left with no support from them until yesterday. We were pushed into making a decision about funerals and keepsakes, and I was in such a state, and frightened of what I would see, that I chose not to look or see the baby afterwards, or have photos or hand and footprints. I just have the memory of what it felt like to give birth to such a tiny baby. I too am wondering if I made the right decision about everything and I feel I have nothing left. I can't lok at the scan pictures yet either.I am crying as I write which is a good thing as I have been bottling everything up. The counsellor who called me yesterday said that I had made the right decision for me at the time. I'm not sure if photos or prints were taken at the time.

They have done a post mortem and we are waiting for the results of that, but hope it won't be months before we get an appointment. We already have a DS who is just 3, and is delightful, but the placenta failed with him and he was tiny and early, and it looks like the placenta didn't form properly and couldn't sustain this baby. We had a detailed scan 2 days before I gave birth and they said that the baby looked great with no problems, but my uterine artery had lots of resistance and the placenta wasn't brilliant. So now I'm worried that I won't be able to grow another baby. At least the counsellor I spoke to was lovely,and she will be at the appointment with the obstetrician when we get the PM results and will support me through another pregnancy. This feels better as we have had nothing to help us at all up until now. I was discharged after an ERPC without so much as a leaflet about how to deal with a miscarriage.

I thought the poem you posted was beautiful, spilt and I happened upon it at exactly the same time as the service started to remember my baby. Thank you.

I hope you are all okay and am sending lots of hugs to you all as we struggle to come to terms with our losses.Sorry for the long post. There is such a lot going on in my head, and sometimes I feel I should just get on with it, and others I need to vent! Grieving isn't an exact science I guess, and other people quickly forget and I feel I don't want to burden anyone with my hurt. That's why Mumsnet is so good, so thank you for listening.

Big hugs to you all xxxx

Hi leosmummy
I'm so sorry you've also had to experience the loss of your baby. Sounds like you've had very little support from the hospital.
We also made the decision not to see our baby, because it felt right at the time - but they took hand/foot prints which were passed on to us a few days later. It might be worth ringing hospital and asking if there are any photos/prints in your notes.
I know some hospitals do it as a matter of procedure.
We also got lots of info from SANDs about how to deal with feelings and grief etc - which have been very helpful.

I'm glad your counsellor has been so helpful - and hope your day goes okay today. I find the thought of the babies being cremated together comforting - this is what will happen to our baby when the PM has been completed.

Hello

Dear ilove, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I do feel comforted by knowing the little ones will all be cremated together. I can't explain why, but it feels right for us. I couldn't bear organising a funeral myself. I will look into SANDS too. I will be able to talk to the counsellor on Monday as she is organising the consultant appointment, so I will ask her if they took photos and prints. I doubt it somehow, as I saw no-one from maternity from start to finish. But I can try!
I hope you have a good weekend, and that each day helps you to feel a little better. I have good days and bad days, better when I'm busy, but I am very aware that I make myself busy to deal with the pain. At least I know!

Big hugs xx

Sorry: pushed the wrong button.

I am so, so sorry for your losses. I delivered my son at 20 weeks so I know a little how you feel. I too was told at the scan that there was no heartbeat and it was the most surreal moment of my life. I couldn't bear to see him, but we named him, had him cremated and put his ashes somehwere special to us. I don't regret that. That was 2.5 years ago. I think about him every day and I miss what I thought he might be and the relationship he would have had with the other dc. But it does get better with time, at least it did for me and I hope it does for you too.

I'm sending you lots of love and reassurance that it does get better in time.

leosmummy I'm so sorry to hear you've lost your baby too, and been so badly supported by the hospital

I think it's terrible that people are pushed so quickly about keepsakes, seeing the baby, funeral arrangements. It's such a hard day, you're so shocked anyway, you've just given birth... I can't understand why the practicalities won't wait! I cried reading your post when you said you felt you had nothing left.

If the poems help you with your grief then there were a couple of lovely ones that people posted on my thread (I think from PictureThis and littlewish and a couple I found and added too). I've found they seem to "unlock" something inside. I'm not sure how to put it really, but they express what I feel in a way I can't seem to and help let the tears out and I find it helps.

Keep talking if it helps, I'll certainly be lurking on these boards for some time to come. Take care of yourself and just take it one day at a time x

Leosmummy it really sounds like you had a bad time.
Did you not have midwives with you during the experience? What kind of ward were you on?
I know that the lovely midwives who helped us made the experience much more bearable.

Even if it turns out that there are no photos or prints then you could still create a keepsake box with scan photo/s and poems/letters to your baby, things that remind you of he/she, if not now then at a time when you feel ready. Some people plant a tree/plant as a memorial - we are going to do this in the spring, when our baby was due.

jenny60 - so sorry for your loss also. I'm glad to hear that although our lost babies will never be forgotten, it does get easier.
Did you ever find out why your son died?

Hi ilove. I was ambulanced in to A and E and was left there for 12 hours in a room on my own (eventually) where no-one came when you pushed a button. I didn't see a midwife at all (until 2am...was taken in at 10am, gave birth at 3pm and moved onto a surgical ward at 10 pm.) I did have a gynae doctor with me from 10-12, when they did a scan to confirm there was no heartbeat, but I had been having contractions since 6 am (didn't realise as I wasn't allowed to do labour with my first as I have a spinal injury, but the baby was so small it was okay, so I dyed my hair!!. My bladder was so full that the baby got stuck and they didn't do anything when I said the contractions had stopped, just left me. Eventually after ringing for nearly an hour, my husband walked the corridors and dragged a nurse in to help. They told me to go to the toilet, but I refused as I knew I would deliver the baby as my bladder emptied, and indeed I did...into a bedpan. It was horrendous. Sorry if this is too much information. Less than 5 minutes later the Chaplain came in to ask about funeral arrangements. I was so shocked I couldn't speak.

Anyway...we will be complaining when I feel stronger. They actually said they "didn't know what to do with me". But didn't send me anywhere near a gynae ward.

Spilt I will look at the poems as I really think they will help. Have to go as my little boy is hungry, but I will keep looking on MN as your advice and support id helping so much!

Ali xx

PS Jenny60 I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It helps to know that it will get easier. Thank you. xx

leosmummy I am at your story, that is horrendous! You poor poor thing, no wonder you are so traumatised.

I passed the placenta out into a bedpan along with the contents of my very full bladder and that was embarrassing and humiliating, but I can't imagine how much worse it must have felt to deliver your baby like that . I'm so sorry you've had such a horrific experience. I do hope that when you're ready you go ahead with making a complaint. God knows why they didn't transfer you to the delivery ward and midwife care.

Thinking of you, I hope talking about your experience is helping you to work through it.

Thank you spilt. I do feel better venting my spleen on MN. I'm so sorry you had an awful experience when you delivered the placenta. I will make a complaint, and the obstetrician I am going to see will back me up apparently, as she was horrified to hear what happened. Mayday hospital in Croydon has a terrible reputation as it is, but seems to be getting worse........

I hope you are all looking after yourselves, girls, and hope you have a good Halloween weekend. Our 3 year old is very excited about going to a party dressed as a spider tomorrow. It is all helping take my mind off things.

Thank you all so much for your support. I hope you are feeling okay ilove and Spilt. Hang on in there xxxxxxxxx

I just want to second what spilt said leosmummy - it sounds absolutely awful and can completly understand why you want to complain.

Hope you are okay and have a lovely weekend - our boys are off trick or treating with their cousins tomorrow so we have been sorting out costumes today.

Hope your little boy has a fab party.

Hope you have a lovely weekend too spilt - do you know when you are going back to work yet?

Me too. That is shocking and completely unacceptable. One of the only thngs that got me through was the wonderful midwife, even though I had to give birth in a gynae ward where I could hear other mothers with live children coming and going But what you went through is inhumane.

How are you all this morning?

ilove I'm off work for at least another 2 weeks, which will be 5 in total (1 more week sick then 1 week of holiday). I think I'll make a GP appointment for later this week incase I think I need more time after that/phased return etc. Also I want to find out about counselling.

It's been a weird and hard weekend and showed me how unready I still am for the world. We spent Friday evening at my parents with them, my sister and grandad. Apart from the odd "you alright?" nothing was mentioned and I found that so so hard. I just wanted someone to hug me and say "I'm so sorry". When I was pregnant they were all so happy to keep talking/asking about the baby and how I was, and now there's this silence as if it's best to pretend nothing ever happened. I feel so hurt for my baby, because Bobbie is my first child and shouldn't be dismissed. (For the record my mum and sister have both talked at length on the phone with me, but it's the first time I've actually seen my sister and grandad and I had expected some sort of acknowledgement )

I can't manage all the small talk and catch up on holidays etc. It feels so insignificant and I just end up in my own bubble sitting quietly and thinking about Bobbie until I have to go to sit on the loo and cry, whilst the rest of the room carries on chatting around me about other things.

DH's parents came over yesterday which was more of the same and I was completely exhausted by it.

Hello to you all. Isn't it so unfair how some of us were treated.

I had a bad time from the moment of the 20 week scan, no heart beat was found and the screen switched off. This was at my local hospital with no maternity facilities, I was told what happens next in a very sketchy manner off the sonographer and was told to go home and wait for someone to ring me from the hospital 20 miles away where I was booked in. I sat and waited for several hours, nothing, in the end I called my midwife who called in after clinic. Even she said she didn't really know what happens next it seemed as if noone had the guts to tell me I would have to deliver the baby!

She managed to get the appointment for me where I was given that first tablet then told to come back 2 days later. I was given a private room had the pessaries and was left with DH to wait for them to work and was told that if I felt I needed to pass anything to do it over a pan put over the toilet and call someone to have a look! I was also told best not to look at anything! I was in pain and scared luckily I have had two children and felt able to cope with the pain by breathing through it all. I felt the baby being delivered and called for the nurse who cut the cord and told me to wait for the placenta to come next.

We were asked once would we like to see the baby as she held the pan with another on top to take it away. We said no as at the point I was very afraid of what I would see. I was sent home 2 hours later after agreeing to the hospital dealing with the burial within 6 weeks as we were told private burial would be very expensive.

Nothing more was said or done. I have made up my own memory box. Friends and family have stopped asking how I am (apart from a lovely girl at work). Thank goodness for mumsnet, without having read other stories I think I would be in a worse place now.

Sorry, just had to get it off my chest again

Thinking about you all x

Sorry to hear about your loss ilove, I lost my DS in 2007 at 21 weeks. I always say whilst you'll never forget your baby or what happened you do learn to live with the loss and learn how to cope with it day by day. I remember being in shock for a couple of days and then in tears for what felt like weeks.

The significant dates can be hard, even now 3 years on I still get worked up around his birthday etc but I find the days themselves usually pass by gently.

Thinking of you x