Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

is the red colour maceration? when i had the 20 weeks scan where they told me the baby had died i saw on the notes that the sonogrpaher had written macerated and i didn't know what it meant. having googled i was still none the wiser.

maceration means softening of the skin and the skin breaking down because of being in the fluid.

wonder how they saw that on the scan. maybe the poor little thing was in a bad way when he came out then.

did you find out what caused your miscarriage?

they probably saw because he would have measured smaller, or had shrinkled skin

my little girl died because she had triploidy, which is a chromosomal disorder, she had 69 chromosomes instead of the normal 46. She also had a heart condition which is called tetralogy of fallot. It was something that went wrong at conception. Most triploidy babies miscarry very early on, it is rare for them to go further than 1st trimester, most babies who do are stillborn and if they do survive birth usually die shortly after, as it is a lethal condition.

i suppose it must give you some comfort that what happened will be rare and unlikely to happen again.

this is my second mc, although the first was at 11 weeks so maybe the two are unrelated but it gives me a bit of extra worry.

pebs just wanted to say this was also my second miscarriage. My first one was at 8weeks-discovered on an earlier scan. My second was at 20weeks, discovered at a routine appointment for something else-the doctor said they would listen find the heart beat for me to listen to when they couldn't find it they arranged an emergency scan. In my case they weren't sure if the 2 were related. So I know that added worry. I think you just need to prepare yourself for the fact you may not get all the answers you are want. They will have run a lot of the blood tests that they also do for recurrent miscarriages. So if something is abnormal they may find it.

I also agree with getting a copy of the plan. Also thinking if there is anything you think they should do better. I was taken off guard by the question so could not think of anything but with hindsight there was little things they could of done slightly better for me.

I hope you are taking it one step at a time at the moment. It does get easier and talking to the ladies on this thread I found really helped. I think having people who have been through a late miscarriage/stillbirth makes it easier.

Hi

Just thought I would come along and say hi. Hope everyone is doing OK

i went for my result appointment yesterday and foudn out i had blood clots in my placenta and that would have caused my late miscarriage as the baby died without me realising.

i have been given high dose folic acid and will take asprin and herapin injections next time. fingers crossed that it works.

feeling positive for the future at the moment.

My beautiful baby boy died this week at 19+6 weeks. We have called him Jacob , I feel numb

big hugs moomin so sorry for you to have to go through this! x
please do talk about your little Jacob when you feel up to it!

So very very sorry moomin. I lost my little baby in July 2010. I had a MMC at 20 weeks, I totally understand how you are feeling right now. The shock and the saddness is quite overwhelming. Cry ,cry and cry some more, it's the only thing that helps. Thinking of you and your family x Jacob will always have a special place in your hearts x

Moominsarescary- i do pray that your getting offer help and that you have loved ones who will be there for the support whilst dealing with child loss in all forms is so needed! its horrid and all the questions in your head so dont help!
be ever so kind to yourself and talk about your feelings as much or as little as you like - Jacob your little angel is with you always xxx

for me -i know off by heart i would of been in my 28 weeks home stretch this week!

Sterre's due date is a month away :(
I try not to think about it too much but I do...

praying for strength for you Blue - its hard to not think about, but you cant switch off your feelings!
My RLBF had her baby this am and i so hapy for her but am thinking i would of been holding hers knowing i would have one of my own in Dec, hard facts to feel!

Evening ladies, I've been meaning to come onto this thread and post for weeks and totally failed to do so.

moomin I'm so sorry to welcome you to this club that no one wants to be part of. Your poor little Jacob. The unfairness of it all is so hard. I will never forget the total and utter shock of my 20 week scan where they told me DD had no heartbeat. And the overwhelming panic that followed. But the shock was such a numb, frozen empty feeling. How are you now? Don't expect too much from yourself, these are very early days, and early grief is exhausting and all consuming. Jacob is a beautiful name.

blue thinking of you as Sterre's due date comes round. Is it 3rd Nov? Big hugs. I found Bobbie's a very hard day. Weirdly I think it was that day where finally the fact that she was never going to be coming home truly sunk in. I'd fought it for all the weeks of my "pregnancy" after I lost her, couldn't bear to believe it, still looked up the details each week and knew how much she should weigh, what she could do etc. Then 40 weeks and wham. Nothing.

mama I soooo know what you are saying. Of course you're happy for her, but it's like being stabbed isn't it? It's not that you wish she was in your shoes, but you wish you were in hers and had your newborn there. The sense of loss is so strong when what you've lost is so clearly there for someone else.

littlewish hello! How are you? I know the anniversary of your due date is coming round soon too. It's the 14th isn't it? How are things a year on?

pebs so sorry to meet you here as well. I hope the knowledge that medication should help in a future pg will give you the strength to ttc again if you want to.

Split how's baby Freya doing?
U have your hands full with baby we understand that posting on here is not a important right now!
Yeh feeling low split, another good friend due any second now!
And I'm remembering the plans of having a mothers morning!
With our lil ones!
I would of started mat leave next month and would of had 9 weeks left!
Mixture of emotions and would of loved to be pregnant right now!
But it's not happened!
Who would of thought getting pregnant would be soooo hard!
For all who are also dealing with approaching dates!
My thoughts are with you also xxx

Part two of my post from Saturday... this baby malarky does rather hinder my MNing!

Thanks for all the congratulations and lovely messages on the last page, we were really touched to read them. Badger yes this little Freya is definitely a wriggly screamer Her noisy wriggly sleeping has had me awake since 2.30am today.

She is 10 weeks today and growing like it's going out of fashion. I've already had to pack away her newborn clothes and go up two sizes of nappy. You don't realise how fast they grow until you see a tiny newborn and realise that your 8 weeker is MASSIVE compared!
She's become so much more alert and responsive in the last week or so and we get tons of smiles (especially at nappy change time! She likes a clean bum ) and she's just started batting at toys and hitting her mobile.

Gorgeous little girl (in my totally unbiased opinion ), I've put a few pics of her on my profile for those that want a peek. She's very like both me and DH as babies (we look alarmingly similar!) but I'm rubbish at seeing resemblances between babies and adults.

We sussed the breastfeeding in the end, thank God, though it was a bit of a mare at the start. So easy now to just roll over and feed in the night.

We feel so so lucky to have her, remembering back to the shock of my BFP when we weren't supposed to be ttc, and the fear that the toxoplasmosis might have damaged her as well as losing us Bobbie. She doesn't change the pain of loss but is such a wonderful blessing and comfort in her own right.

And currently munching her fist so I'd better go and stuff a boob in her mouth

Love to all of you, hope it's ok to post this, not wanting to be insenstive xxx

ilove did you get your appointment for investigations in Sept? Hope it's been helpful.

Badger how are you and little Elke doing? What's she up to these days?

so happy for you split - yeh bf is hard at first but you bith soon get the hang of it! glad your enjoying her and all the cuddles sorry for her growing so quick enjoy every second for it goes quick!!!!

thanks spilt for thinking about me and Sterre's due date! It is sinking in that the day is approaching yeah! got DD's 3rd birthday out of the way now and should have been planning for her arrival. Nothing to do now... went to visit her this morning with DSis and BIL and Dbro, felt sad.

So happy Freya is doing well!
I so wanted to be pregnant again before Sterre's due date, but AF came last week! That was hard, very hard! Luckily DH supported me through. Hopefully we'll be lucky this month!

I've read the whole thread. My commiserations to all who are hurting and congratulations to all those who are celebrating, no matter when or how.

I've just had my second late miscarriage. Fourteen weeks for the first and a very sudden seventeen weeks for the second, with a healthy baby in between.

Currently feeling very very angry.

((hugs)) for you MsScarlett

Hi.
I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through. I too am struggling with almost exaactly the same, although it was my first pregnancy. My husband was in Afghan when it happened although he was sent home and was here for the worst of it. It was at the end of June and I have been plodding along, but all of a sudden it seems to be hitting me and I just feel so sad all the time.

It sort of feels like everyone assumes once the physical side is over, you just get over it. Nobody (aside from my husband) asks how I am doing, including the doctors - it felt as soon as it happened the support just stopped.

My husband went back out to Afghan, he was only back for 10 days, to finish the rest of his tour, so I have been dealing with it on my own. He is home now although works away in the week.

A friend of mine who got married in July has just announced that she is pregnant so no doubt that has triggered everything. I don't think that anyone understands how hard it is unless you've been through it.
We didn't see our little one either, couldn't handle that, but sometimes I am not sure if that was a mistake. It's so hard to know what to do as it's something foreign isn't it.

I had no idea that something was wrong throughout, until I noticed a tiny amount of reddish discharge and panicked, and it went from there. Just horrible and feel so tearful at the moment :-(

Littledink ((hugs)) my little girl was born on 20th of June this year at 20 weeks 4 days gestation. If you want to talk about it, let me know! Here for you if you need me! x

MsScarlett and littledink I don't know what to say

MsScarlett how bloody unfair to have lost two babies late on. Was any reason found? I can completely understand how angry you are. I'm still raging and I lost my DD a year ago. It comes out whenever we go to church which is rarely these days, since losing her. But they sing about God being good, powerful, loving etc and I either stand there mute and shaking with rage or I have to leave and sit in the graveyard and sob. I don't understand why these babies are lost, every part of me revolts at the idea. Such a f*cking waste.

littledink so sorry that you've not had your husband with you all this time. The pain is so very isolating even with a DH here with me, so I dread to imagine what it's been like for you. It's completely natural to find your friend's pregnancy very hard. It will make you angry to see them enjoy the excitement, to see them believing their baby will arrive safe and well, because after a loss like this, that experience is forever destroyed for us. My second pregnancy (which thankfully ended with a live DD) was utterly exhausting with the anxiety and fear. I never really dared look forward to her arrival. I was convinced that I was again, at some unspecified point in the pregnancy, going to end up with one of those scans and giving birth to another dead baby girl. The longer I was pregnant the more afraid I became - the sense of coming so far, only to lose her...
I know you said you didn't see your little one. Do you know if you had a boy or a girl? If you had your baby in England then the hospital should, as a matter of course, have taken photos and prints to keep on file should you ever want to see them.

Love to you both, please keep posting if it helps and you want to talk to us, we've all been through similar losses and understand how painful it is xx

Hi

No we didn't realise at the time how far along I was, it all came to light afterwards so nothing like that was done. I think I want to remember her for how we felt about her during those weeks and what we imagind she would be like, rather than her little lifeless body.

And yes, we knew she was a her, and named her (actually my Dad's idea - my surname begins with a "C" and so he called her LC for Little C - so we called her Elsie). We are trying to move house (away from where it happened, and the nursery!) but when we do hopefully move we're going to plant a tree for her and watch it grow.

I understand that's it's natures way but it doesn't make it any easier. I am so pleased for my friend, but on the other side of it I feel like it was our time to be breaking the exciting news (which we hadn't done at the point we lost her, just to be safe - and we didn't realise how far along I was). More than anything I miss her. I loved the feeling of carrying her and just thought the whole thing was amazing.

It really gets on my nerves when people say " don't worry it will be fine" - it's not fine, it wasn't fine - yes we may have another baby in time, but it's not fine at all that we've lost her. It turns out i'm A Resus negative so at least we know for next time.

I do find that there is so little support. Friends don't really want to talk about it and I think my husband finds it hard too. I did have a long chat with him last week and he is getting it now, he was amazing last night (from afar!).

I am sure it will get easier but just struggling a bit at the moment.

How have you both been coping? xx