Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Hi Mama,

My sister's wedding was fabulous! Really a day to remember!
My DH got plastered which meant I managed to get him on the dance floor and we had a great time! DD was really adorable as a bridesmaid!
Now back to reality though... will plan Sterre's funeral this week. My family is coming over from Belgium next week to attend.

Hi BT- how are you today? i pray you are well and that your taking it easy with yourself! focus on one day at a time thats ALL anyone can expect you to do!

Hope everyone else is well - yet another day!!!!!!!!

BT - i was also looking online for a book to help me through my feelings and somehow to still focus on healing and getting pass these dark feelings and sadness - christians dealing with miscarriges and loss! BT - let me know if its something you would like i would love to get it for you, if you think it would help you!

praying i will get through the day without crying!

I'm quite ok today, had some difficult days, but had a good chat with our vicar yesterday! Really felt heartbroken. Sometimes I'm quite shocked by what people say, but I guess they just don't know what to. I'm glad they say something though, cause I find it harder to deal with people who don't say anything and just look at me.
I'm pondering between getting back to work next week or not... It might do me good to start doing things but on the other hand it's Sterre's funeral as well and I still need to prepare things for that. Our vicar said I wasn't ready yet and as he's my boss I might listen.

Hi BT- im glad you had a "GOOD" day today my bervement midwife came to see me today and it really helped me as i could address my real feelings without feeling ashamed or trying to hold back, plenty of tears, but she said im coping with it well and she advised me to get back to her about the book i ordered! im glad and now i can deal with me and healing.

Big hugs to you for the upcoming funeral, yes listen to your boss and take time for u xxx

which book did you order mama?

I will phase back into work next week as I feel I need to, but I will take it easy...

BlueT-OHHHH how excited was i to get my books! i also got some clothes i ordered and was well chuffed!!!!! nice maxi dress for a upcoming wedding!
the book i ordered of amazon is called " grieving the child i never knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg. I cant put it down and couldnt wait to get lil one to bed so i could read some more through my tears!!!!!!!!!!
and how are you today???? i pray your well today, well as good as you could at this sad time!

Hello ladies, I've just been reading back over the last couple of pages to see how you all are.

ilove I hope you're going to have a great summer with your boys, everything crossed that the recurrent MC appointment will be positive and help you get whatever treatment/investigations you need.

littlewish I was so sad reading your anniversary posts, it never stops hurting does it? This is such a lovely safe place to remember our precious babies. I'll never forget yours, due on Remembrance Day, that day will always have a special meaning for me now.

blue you are being very brave taking those first steps back to work, it will be hard and exhausting so be gentle with yourself and go armed with tissues. Lots of love to you as you plan Sterre's funeral, I hope it's everything you want it to be. Have the postmortem results been shared with you yet?

mama5 I'm glad the bereavement MW visit helped you. Ours was lovely. It really helped to be able to just keep talking and churning everything over again and again.

lemon best wishes for your TTC soon.

Inch by inch we are getting there with this baby, now 35 weeks.

I had a horrible scare last week at the MW check up when she measured me and said I was measuring very small and had barely grown since my 31 week check (I was measuring 29 weeks then). She said she would arrange a growth scan, and in the meantime I needed to keep a close eye on movements. You can imagine the total terror. I asked how soon the scan would be and was told "within a fortnight". After tears on the phone to the ultrasound dept and my consultant's secretary and an initial fobbing off, they then fitted me in the next morning for a scan.

We had a horrendous night worrying, checking her, listening in on the doppler, counting movements (I don't think I had my hand/arm off of my bump at all that day). I was certain we were headed for the end. But scan revealed a huge 5lb9oz baby girl, happy as anything, measuring 35 weeks exactly, blinking, "breathing", plenty of fluid, and head down and partly engaged . She must just be curled right up like a snail.

I think it's getting really tough now because she'd be fine if she was delivered at this size and gestation and I'm beginning to feel she'd be safer out than in, and yet she could be in for another 7 weeks.

I never stop thinking about Bobbie. The antenatal groups have been hard, I've got quite a different perspective as a result of having and losing her and feel a bit lost in the group.

Love to all, wishing you gentle days x

Hi Spilt hang in there! not long now before your little cutie will be with you!
we haven't received a date for the postmortem results consultation yet. hope it comes soon!
the funeral directors and the hospital also failed to let us know that Sterre had been released from the hospital after the postmortem. So I'm not surprised we haven't heard anything yet... I will give the hospital a ring if I haven't heard by the end of this week.

hi all - just checking in on you all.
im so grateful i bought that book, its named so many levels of my grief and pain its like she's knows how we are All some how are feeling!
gp has signed me off for a further 3 weeks - he was so nice read my notes and done it over the phone! so im not feeling pressured at all.

Good mama, it makes such a difference to have a compassionate GP. Take all the time you need.

1 month today and found it all a bit hard to be honest!

indeed mama a month ago today for me as well, I gave birth to our beautiful angel baby! It seems like forever ago and like only yesterday at the same time! thinking of you!

split Thinking of you...this baby is going to be JUST perfect x

badger sorry to have missed the actual day, but just wanted to say happy first birthday to Freya for last Tuesday. How did you cope with the day?

Hi all,

We've just got back from the hospital.
We found out Sterre was a little baby girl! (It was funny now I think back of the funeral my DD was telling everyone about her baby sister, and she was right!)
She had severe abnormalities and a heart defect which were really incompatible with life. The chances of this recurring in a future pregnancy are extremely slim. We received a copy of the postmortem results and the consultant was very friendly, he didn't explain things in detail, but he said that wasn't really necessary. If I would have more questions after reading the report, I was very welcome to get back to him and he would try to explain.
He also said that the bleeding I had early in pregnancy didn't have any effect on what happened, it was something that went wrong at conception, with the splitting of the cells.
I feel quite relieved now, knowing there was really nothing we could have done, or that I didn't do anything wrong.

bluetinkerbell that's a relief now that you have that information I'm sure...doesn't make the pain go away, but maybe stops the 'what if' kind of thoughts? Hope you're feeling ok though.
I'm due at the hospital next week to find out our results....I'm curious too to find out whether we lost a boy or a girl...
Are you ttc again? We've just started...nothing as of yet, but I'm almost feeling back to my old self...it's almost as tho it all happened to someone else..maybe that's how the brain copes with things!

hi Bluetb- i hope you have gotten some comfort in knowing baby Sterre was a girl ( perfect lil angel now) and there was nothing you did!
Kitesg- how are you/ have you been to the hospital yet? and so glad your ttc and your feeling like your old self!
my 1st af came on the 27th july for 5 days - quite painful and strange feeling for the 1st 2 days, clot free so strange. i have calculated that i should start in 32 days 27th august so if i dont get pregnant first!!!!!!!OMG!!!!!!

We got the results on Tuesday ...the results being, that there was absolutely no abnormalities found, they don't think my Factor V was a factor, but can't be certain, so in conclusion it is just 'extremely common and one of those things' (their words, not mine). Don't really know if this helps me feel better or not! Seeing the consultant on the 30th, but we are off on hols on Fri and definitely ttc...my last AF was extremely heavy (unlike the first one after the op) so I'm hoping things are all ready....I don't know if it's just a myth that you're more fertile after a mc??! Anyone know??! I really hope so..I would LOVE to be pregnant asap..still not lost my baby weight either which is another annoying thing..sigh lol

Hi Kitesg- soo sorry that your results didnt give you the answers you required.
so glad your ready to TTC! i have only had 1 af since the op and a bit confused if i should ttc or wait! would so like to get it started now.
i have been on the conception thread and a few ladies have already gotten pregnant quite soon after a mc! fingers crossed xxxx enjoy your hols xx

Hi girls, so sorry i havent been on in ages. We moved and i have been without internet for over 6 weeks .

I will catch uup with all the news tonight but just wanted to let you know i havent run away xx

No internet for 6 weeks?! OUCH! ahhh i've just got back from a very relaxing holiday..feeling so much more like normal now (whatever normal is) all good stuff. How are you?x

Hi Kite glad you had a good holiday. How are you feeling now?

Hello everyone, hope your all doing ok.

Well we finally moved into our new home at the beginning of July and have been living without internet until last week.

Elke is doing really well and is 10 weeks old this week!!

We had Freya's first birthday/anniversary on July 12th. I cant believe its been a whole year since i lost her...It still seems like it was only yesterday.
We went out to London zoo to celebrate her birthday and i baked her a cake and decorated the house just like i would do for my living childrens birthday.

I spent the morning in tears but the day out was lovely and was a great way to keep occupied.

Iv decided to fill her baby book with messages that have been left on her memorial page and im gonna print out my messages from here as it has all my thoughts and feelings on this long sad journey.

spilt How are you doing? You must be very close to your due date now? Sorry i havent been around as i know those last few weeks of pregnancy are incredibly hard.

kite Glad you had a relaxing holiday. How are you? I hope you get pregnant very quickly... I can remember that uncontrollable urge to be pregnant again so well.

Its so sad to see so many new names on this page but welcome and i hope you are gaining some comfort xxx

star and ilove i see you both havent been on here for a while. I hope you are both doing well xxx