Late miscarraige 20ish weeks - need to share my story.

[iloveblue]

Hello all

We lost out baby yesterday afternoon.

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm yesterday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family, my 2 boys are staying with my mum for the weekend which has been a huge help.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here.
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!

Hi, sorry that you are joining us (I mean that in a nice way). But I hope you find some comfort in being on this thread. They are usually very good at taking some photos and keeping them in your notes and the baby I think is usually kept for a few days in the hospital if you want to see them.

mama5 so sorry to hear about your baby.

Prompted by your post I've just sat and read through the thread again from the beginning. Don't do this unless you have time and tissues to spare. It takes me right back to the start and all through the last agonising 9 months so vividly.

Ladies please can I say that you are all, without exception, amazing women. And thank you so deeply for all the support and listening and handholding you've given through the darkest times. Especially you ilove - our babies were born within a fortnight of each other and you've been there through this whole thing being someone to lean on. And badger who's been sort of shepherding me through this current pregnancy, always a bit ahead, and always able to understand the neurosis and help me feel less alone with it. And star and littlewish and so many others.

I am more grateful than I can say. I don't think I would have so many intact marbles if it wasn't for you all!

Before I make someone vomit I shall shut up. But just wanted to say how much I appreciate all of your friendships xx

split I know I am newish to this thread, but I just wanted to say how much we appreciate you. I think that for me it is nice to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that we will survive this. You have given myself and a lot of the new losses support. So we appreciate you to.

ilove hope you are doing OK. Am thinking of you.

Hi all - thanks for the welcome!
I do believe that we as women are so much stronger then we actually think! it only in the darkest times we call on that "inner strength" to get up in the mornings! Im so grateful for mn that i actually discovered while i was very early pregnant with my now DS17mt! i have found it so nice that there are unnamed people all over going through the exact same thing you are!
I hate that this terrible thing happened to us all and at different points of our pregnancies! Im so not TTC but if it happens i will be so lovely, i was saying after i had my ds that it for me so i was in shock for 2 weeks i was pregnant! loving my belly getting bigger, now im sucking in my belly trying not to look pregnant!
Iloveblue - i do hope your healing and looking after yourself!
Badger - your story from beginning to end brought tears to my eyes!
split - you too holding onto the hope for us all!
KSG - your story much sounded like mine as well.
TB - I thank God for bringing me through even when i thought, Oh God why!
me its like i heard Him say why not you, why should it be someone else!

I have decided this week will be the end of me talking about my MMC to anyone so i can really walk into my healing totally letting go of the hurt! x
( ps it dont mean i wont be on here though!)

I must admit I did read through the whole thread 2 weeks ago when we found out about my MMC. It was such a great help to get me through that initial shock of what happened and why...
I had a tough day today, no energy, didn't want to do anything except lying on the sofa.
This morning the bereavement midwife visited and had said she would chase up my appointment with the consultant and check with the hospital whether Sterre was back yet from the postmortem. Haven't heard anything though. I'm trying not to get too upset by all this waiting.
Luckily it's my sister's hen do this weekend so hopefully that can distract me for a while, and then the wedding next week...
It's going to be tough cause I haven't seen my family since it happened, last time they saw me was at Easter when I was still happily pregnant and announced it to everyone as the dreaded first 12 weeks were over... I know for sure that I will wait longer next pregnancy!

thank you all for the support! x

What lovely posts - I'm so glad that this thread is continuing to be a support.
spilt - you brought a tear to my eye with your kind words.
You have also been a rock and a great support over the last 9 months and I am so incredibly pleased that all is going well for you x

I can't quite bring myself to read through the thread at the moment but I will at some point in the future.

Sorry to hear about your experience mama5.

Sorry to hear you've had a rough day BTB, the waiting is hard.
Hope you have a lovely weekend with your sisterx

I'm still bleeding lightly - don't seem to be getting anywhere. I just want this over - the uncertainty has been going on for weeks and I'm completly fed up.

We got an appointment through to see the recurrent mc consultant - 2nd Sept, which I'm pleased about, gives us something to aim towards.

But all I want to do right now is forget about TTC and being pregnant, have a great summer with my boys (break up in 3 weeks!), get fit and healthy and get back to being me.

Hope everyone else is ok x

Exactly 1 year ago today at exactly this time Dh and I were chatting happily outside the ultrasound room of my local hospital, it was pouring with rain and I had got my new pumps splashed in the dash from the car park and my toes felt wet. We were deciding where to go for lunch after the scan and confirming to each other that we wouldn't find out the sex we would wait. I was feeling ok about the scan, a little nervous as we all are about these things but hoping all would look normal.................

.......then the words that will stay with me forever "I'm afraid things don't seem to be going to plan, I've really tried but there is no heartbeat, I'm so very sorry". I remember it all so very well I can feel my heart pounding in my chest and the look on DH's face, he was white. We were taken to the little room with comfy chairs and tissues and water while the sonographer had a little chat and left us to have some private time while she made a phonecall to my midwife. I didn't know what to say neither did DH we just sat there feeling hot and cold all at the same time as if it was a dream it felt so unreal. Oh god is this happening to me? I remember saying I can't believe it over and over again I remember walking through the waiting room to go home and wait for a phone call, holding my DH's hand with tears trickling down my face and I could feel the other ladies and their husbands looking at me, and the other sonographers and receptionist all turned to look at us as we came out of the room.

The drive home was a total blurr, I was scared of what needed to happen next, I didn't know what happened next, they don't write about it in baby magazines. I needed to see my Mam, I couldn't tell her on the phone, She was hoovering the stairs when we turned up. She held me in her arms tightly and kissed my head and cried with me. I went on to deliver our baby on the 5th of July 2010 but I'm trying not to think about that today, it's just too much.

This year has passed so very quickly. I think about the baby I lost every day, I don't think it hurts any less, I'm just getting used to the little hole in our life where my littlewish should be.

So sorry for the long post, just needed to write a few things down and I know you lovely ladies would let me do just that. I've had a good cry, will put new makeup on now and hope that the rest of today will be a quiet one.

littlewish I am thinking of you. I hope that you and your husband are able to comfort each other today. I am sure your child is with you today in spirit and always will be. I know nothing I say will ever take the pain away, but if you want to talk we are here for you.

Ohhh littlewish - i could of wrote your story apart from the rain and lunch talk!
its strange what you remember when you rethink and replay it over and over in your head! the receptionist taking ages to put in my details, her awful top she wore, the happy couple pointing at their scan picture ready to rebook the next one! the nice young lady handing me a "mummy to be bounty pack"!!!!
today im bleeding again after it all stopped on sunday, has my period come so soon already? so confused thought it would be longer!

littlewish Im sending you and your husband a big hug... Its just truely awful what we have all been through and your right it doesnt hurt any less but unfortunately we learn to live with it.

Im so sorry you lost your baby... I know you are taking a break from this thread but i think about you alot. I hope your day was a gentle one and you were able to be with just friends and family to try and get through it.

All my love xxx

There are no words littlewish - thinking of you x

littlewish just lots of love. that is all.

Love to everyone today

Hi all, I got back from my sister's hen do in Belgium late last night! I managed through the weekend with the help of lots of
I had a few difficult moments when people started to talk about friends who are 20 weeks pregnant. I had emailed all the girls about my situation, but some of them must have forgotten about it and were just chatting along. My sister 'rescued' my by taking me to the toilet.
I think my bleeding has stopped, it's been 2 weeks now... Today we have bought condoms, we're gonna wait 1-2 periods before ttc again.
I'll hopefully be pregnant together with my little sis, as she will start ttc after the wedding.

blue glad you managed to get through the hen do OK. Sounds like your sister is lovely and trying to take care of you. I will probably be joining you TTC then. Am thinking I should give myself a couple of months to just get everything straight in my head.

Lemon join us Mummies of Angel babies, trying to conceive here

Hi all,

Just a very quick one as I'm at work but just wanted to send littlewish lots of love for today. I hope it is as peaceful as it can be for you.

I'm still around, just haven't posted for a while. Had some technical issues with computer. Long catch-up post I wrote last week vanished before I could click send! So annoyed with it I haven't yet trusted it enough to do it again!

No big news here. Hope everyone is getting on ok and sorry to see we have some new people who've had to join but glad you've found this thread. It's been a big support for me.

X

So..rang the hospital today because it's been 6 weeks this week and I still haven't heard anything back from the tests. They have the results ..but won't discuss them with me til the consultant is back from his holiday..aghh! Just had a good cry reading littlewishes post again...those words are still echoing around in my head too ...and it definitely all felt like a dream...Although where I should have a 22 week old baby bump....I have nothing. Sometimes this whole 'things happen for a reason' is hard to fathom.

oooh kite I'm so sorry you have to wait!

Our bereavement MW came last Thursday and would chase up our appointment and get back to us the same day but she hasn't! Also still haven't heard back from Birmingham Women's hospital when Sterre would be able to go to the funeral director! Very stressful all!

How do you cope with people staring at you and not saying anything? I sometimes feel like I'm going paranoid as I constantly have the feeling people are looking and talking about me.
And how do you tell people? I mean like my neighbours. I see them several times and they just say hello and how are you? So I do the same back and say I'm ok.
I can't really say, well actually I'm not, we lost our baby 2 weeks ago.
Surely they must notice I don't look pregnant anymore. But can you drop a bombshell like that on people?

bluetinkerbell oh HUGS i don't know :SS Honestly..I don't know how any of you guys having lost a baby much further on cope :( I have a LOT of admiration for all of you and you're all in my prayers.
I'm personally hating the people saying nothing. A good friend of mine, would you believe, hasn't said ANYTHING to me since it happened. She'd heard that I'd been in hospital so texted me asking what was wrong. I told her everything and...silence. Obviously she doesn't know what to say, but saying nothing is making it worse..for me.
I've just about lost my baby bump now, just have the fat left ( somehow having to lose baby weight but with no positive reason is particularly mean I think)...but I also have a neighbour who knew I was pregnant and actually saw me in Mamas and Papas buying stuff....we just keep saying 'hello' on passing..i don't know how to bring it up..or just leave it..let her assume...I don't know her personally really....Hmmmmm

oh. and has anyone else noticed that there are a RIDICULOUS number of baby programmes on the TV at the minute! Feel like i'm having to switch over all the time :SSS Just can't watch other people having happy experiences...:(

Hi everyone , just want to say thank you for your kind messages, I was feeling so sad the other day, all these dates and memories to deal with.

I agree kite loads of baby programmes on t.v! I too still see a neighbour from down the road who knew I was pregnant but must be wondering what happened, I dont see her for weeks on end and just wave when I do. I suppose she assumes too.

Hope you are o.k bluetinkerbell and mama it's such agony and heartbreak. x

Hi all,

bluetinkerbell and kitesurf, we moved the week after loosing our little one so in many ways we were able to remain quite annonymous, although my husband did tell one of the new neighbours who'd known we were expecting. I have heard some awful stories from other bereaved parents about people avoiding them though, one lived in a village and some people actually crossed the road to avoid having to speak to them! I can't imagine how horrible that must feel. I know people don't know what to say but it's so much worse when people behave like that. This experience has certainly taught me a thing or two and however difficult it might feel I would never ignore someone who'd suffered any kind of loss.

The other thing I've found frustrating and upsetting is the way my parents and other family avoid talking about what's happened unless I bring it up. I know they care and it's because they think if they bring it up it will upset me more but it's hard not to feel like our baby is being forgotten when everybody carries on as normal and never really speaks about her.

X

Hi all - Hi Littlewish - yes the amount of programme is silly, i didnt notice before but now its just too much! i hate 16 and pregnant - i have always hated it, i can't imagine my dd16 telling me shes pregnant!!!!!!
i have finally decide after my gp told me to call the ERPC unit to get some support i have to wait for an appt but i told her no rush i waited this long without support from anyone!
because i went straight from scan straight to the dr i never got seen by any ERPC staff so they were unaware of me and the support i need! imagine!!!!!!

• Kitesurfgirl/Shinningstar79 - i cant imagine anyone avoiding me because they dont want to discuss it, someone asked last week if i was i had to tell her i was but not now! she looked so sad and felt really bad for asking, she sent me a lovely card which i though was very sweet!

how are you BlueT - my body still doesnt feel like mine am so clueless in, thinking is my body healing itself now?? TTC is going to be put on hold i cant deal with the pressure of the stick watching!!

Hi Mama I'm still a bit conscious of my belly... I'm normally quite flat and I was very proud of my nice pregnancy belly, but now it just doesn't seem right!
My bleeding has stopped I think. Today I had some brown discharge, don't know if it's still bleeding or if it's something else like ovulation bleeding. But that would probably be wishful thinking. Can't wait for my AF to come.

This weekend is my sister's wedding. So something to look forward to. After that it's back to choosing texts and music for our little one's funeral. :(

I found this on a website and I thought it was a very nice text...

A child who loses it's parent is an orphan.
A man who loses his wife is a widower.
A woman who loses her husband in a widow.
There is no word for a parent that loses a child,
For there is no word to describe the pain.

Hi BT- how did your sisters wedding go???? and hows the plans for the funeral? ( big cyber hug to u)
the poem is so true, i spoke to a friend who a year old still has not conceived and my heart just broke when she said its had to hear when someone else is pregnant or another person is pregnant again so soon after just having a child!!!!!! i hope thats not me and that i get joy out of this horrible experience even if its a story to share to encourage someone else some day!
i hope my time comes this month to show im getting my body back!

hugs to all xx