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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

MMC picked up at 20 week scan yesterday, going to hospital tomorrow

103 replies

spilttheteaagain · 08/10/2010 13:50

I went to the 20 week scan yesterday and we found that our baby had died, somewhen in the last 3 weeks since I last saw my MW.

I got sent straight to Gloucester hospital to see a doctor who explained what happens next. I've had a tablet yesterday to ripen my cervix ready for induction tomorrow to deliver the baby.

I'm getting a dragging, periody feeling now so I'm wondering if things might be starting slowly and DH and I are getting ourselves organised bit by bit with what to take to hospital.

Not really too sure what I'm trying to ask or say here, but we're so lost and frightened and shocked. I know lots of people on here have been through similar things and maybe might have things that helped them?

We're very at sea about what happens after the delivery with the baby.
From the scan it's head was only 10cm circumference so it's going to be very small and fragile. Has anyone seen their baby when it was this little? Did it help or was it disturbing? What did they look like?

I'm crying writing this.

What did you need or wish you had at hospital? I've been told they are giving us a private room and DH can stay all the time.

Please help.

OP posts:
ilovesprouts · 10/10/2010 20:30

so sorry !!sleep tight baby bobbie xx

MummyWilliams · 10/10/2010 20:30

You have been so brave. It is such a tough day to get through. I understand completely what you mean about being numb and then once things calm down it becomes so much more 'real'. You have a long road ahead (I don't think we ever fully recover, we are never the same person, we just learn to cope with the emotions a little by little). You must be good to yourself.

I want to tell you that although we lost our little boy 29 April 2010, and laid to rest 5 July, I am now pregnant again just over 10 weeks. Late miscarriage has happened twice for me, but we have found the strength to carry on - you both will too.

Very best wishes for the future to you both.

Goodnight Bobbie, sweet dreams little angel.

xxx

MummyWilliams · 10/10/2010 20:33

I hope you don't think it's insensitive of me to tell you about our current pregnancy.

xxx

LouMacca · 10/10/2010 21:13

My heart goes out to you and your DH. So very sorry. Sleep tight Bobbie x

smilingserenely · 10/10/2010 21:25

so sorry for your loss i went for my routine scan at 18 weeks (5 years ago) which revealed a mmc about a week previously . i did get to hold dd she was very small and bruised but quite definitely a baby. it did help . the hospital took photos , gave us a certificate and blanket she was wrapped in . i still have the photos and blanket which i cherish but the photos are for my eyes only.
we also had a memorial service and burial for her which bought huge comfort.
my prayers are with you . the grief is horrible and unfortunately not everyone will understand but although you never forget you ldo learn to live with it.
god bless

jetcat · 10/10/2010 21:25

so very sorrySad God bless little Bobbie, be very proud of your mummy and daddy x

smilingserenely · 10/10/2010 21:27

just to add our ds was born a year and a day after his sister something that at the time of loosing her i never dared dream of.

Jojay · 10/10/2010 22:32

So so sorry for the loss of baby Bobbie. Wishing you all the strength in the world to get through the next days and months.

Picturethis - that poem has had me in floods. Lovely.

PandaEis · 10/10/2010 22:52

Im so sorry for your awful loss Sad

I have had a number of MCs but all earlier than your loss- the latest being at 14 weeks. I can only imagine how you and your DH are feeling and i hope you are being kind to yourselves and allowing yourself to feel however you want to. My thoughts are with you and your DH xx

Sleep tight little Bobbie xxx

littlewish · 11/10/2010 10:13

I am so sorry for your sad loss, even though this has happened to me I don't quite know what to say. Be kind to yourselves, don't bottle things up, crying loads and talking about what has happened will help, one day at a time.

I have this poem in my memory box.

How very softly you tiptoed into our lives,almost silently.
Only a moment you stayed,
But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon our hearts

annbenoli · 11/10/2010 11:18

So sorry for your loss. I have just lost a baby at 10 weeks. The feeling is undescribable unless you have experienced it . You have been so brave. Take care and do whatever is best for you

sunchild77 · 11/10/2010 11:30

Aw Spilt Bobbie is a lovely name, but I am just so so sorry that this has happened to you :(

Take care of yourself and make sure you get all the support you need.

I wish there was something else I could say :(

Original poster
spilttheteaagain · 11/10/2010 16:44

PictureThis and littlewish thank you for your poems, they have had the tears streaming down our faces.

MummyWilliams no, not insensitive at all. It's very precious to be shown that there can be hope again, and I wish you all the very best for your new baby. It must be a very frightening time for you and I so hope that this little one makes it and you get to hold your baby with joy and not grief xx

annbenoli I am so sorry for you, it's truely devastating to lose a baby and a dream. I hope you are being cared for right now.

And everyone else, thank you for your support, and I'm so sorry that we're all here sharing such terrible things. No one should have to go through this.

We saw the bereavement midwife today and decided against a postmortem. With a baby so small there's limited information to be found and we couldn't bear the idea of having the body damaged. We're going to try and arrange for a burial shortly. I'm sure it will be soul destroying to go through, but also hoping that the closure will give some peace.

We'll never forget our first baby. What I'm terrified of is that other people won't understand and will think Bobbie doesn't count. To me, Bobbie will always be my baby, who I gave birth to and named and will have to bury. It would hurt so much to have someone refer to this as miscarrying a fetus, even though that is actually what happened. It's much more like a stillbirth, and I feel like I need to have my baby acknowledged as a real, born person if that makes sense?

I'm scared people in real life will be rubbish Sad

Also my boobs have now started leaking and are really sore. In some ways I'm glad of the physical pain as it gives something to feel that constantly hurts. I don't want to feel ok, it seems wrong.

OP posts:
PictureThis · 11/10/2010 17:16

Is there a book of rememberance at the hospital that you could write something in for Bobbie? What your feeling isn't nonsense, it's perfectly reasonable. Bobbie was/is your baby and will always be remembered by those that matter. In RL some people may be rubbish, but others will shine for you and be fantastic. Take comfort from them.
Be kind to yourself sweetheart

Limelight · 11/10/2010 17:46

I just logged on to start a slightly pointmless thread about something else and read your post. Which put it all into perspective!

Jut wanted to say how sorry I am and how brave you are. I had an MMC in January, although my twins were younger than your Bobbie was. What you said above about not forgetting your child is true. I think of my two every day. When I watch my DS play, they're with him too.

I'm pregnant again now and I think lots of people think that this makes it ok, that this baby is a replacement, but it doesn't work like that. Your Bobbie was real, and loved, and you will always have that feeling to comfort you.

Anyway, that's all. Just wanted to stick my head above the parapet and let you know that there are lots of us here who understand and grieve with you.

MummyWilliams · 11/10/2010 17:57

Hi! spilt

I can't help but keep coming back to your thread to see how you are getting on. But everytime I do, I end up in tears.

I know exactly what you mean about how you feel other people will react. I talk about our lost little one, Jack all the time. I don't care what other people think, they might think I'm mad. I think I have said before, only you, your DP and the rest of us, that have been through this difficult loss WILL truly understand. Bobbie is and always will be your first born child.

You and your DP need to do what you feel is right. I bought a windchime for Jack, and I have it hanging in a tree, I intend to place Jacks' ashes within a bush that flowers bright purple blooms at the time of year that we lost him (haven't got round to this part yet).

Also there is a website called www.alexandrasangelgifts.co.uk if you managed to get Bobbie's hand & foot prints you can have them cast in silver. We are buying this for our Christmas gift this year.

Jack's cremation service was beautiful, and I very proudly carried our little man in. We had entrance music, a poem, some more music, a reading & blessing and some exit music - all chosen by us. It was very tough, but has helped. My DD & DS wrote Jack letters and gave him a cuddly toy each, I made him a card, we gave him a soft toy too.

Talk about Bobbie as much as you can or feel able to. Nobody will judge you here.

Be kind to yourself spilt.

Sending many, many hugs.

xxx

SauvignonBlanche · 11/10/2010 18:27

I hope you get as much comfort from your baby's grave as I did from my DS'.
It was a place to go and think in those dark early days and is still there now, though I don't feel the need to visit so often.

I found the burial service a wonderful comfort and there is special funeral rite. I know you referred to your minister, I hope they are supportive.

Like pretty much everything else in life some people will overwhelm and humble you with their love and support and some people will be rubbish. The rubbish ones usually don't mean to be and often just don't know what to say.

I found the worst thing was people said nothing, sometimes you need when to mention it first so they can see you won't collapse, wailing.

All the best in the days ahead xx

TheUnmentioned · 11/10/2010 19:31

I dont know what to say other than I would certainly always consider Bobbie to be your first baby, it would never even cross my mind to think otherwise.

Original poster
spilttheteaagain · 13/10/2010 22:33

Sauvingnon I hope so too. I'm glad you were comforted by having a grave to visit, and knowing where your DS was.

We've been making arrangements today and are planning to have a private graveside service with just DH and I and the vicar and his wife (who is our funeral director). Bobbie will be buried in a lovely cemetery which we visited today. I'm sure the service will have us in bits, but equally I think will give us some peace knowing that we've laid our baby to rest.

My milk has come in and it is agony. My breasts are rock hard and leaking through tissues, pads, bra and t-shirt. Just the feel of fabric moving against them is so so sore!

We got our photos printed up and have spent a while today picking out the best ones and putting them in a little album in the memory box. I've then spent ages just looking at the pictures, especially the close ups of Bobbie's little face and hands.

One day I hope it will hurt less.

OP posts:
PictureThis · 14/10/2010 00:13

Please take some simple painkillers and make sure you're wearing a good fitting bra. Have it nice and tight so the bra fits snugly and it will help with the discomfort. Well done in surviving today, I can't say whether the pain gets any less or if you just learn to live with it better as I have not walked along the path you have found yourself on. I am sure there will be someone along who has and they can give you a better answer. Take care

Secretwishescometrue · 14/10/2010 10:37

Oh my dear no words I could possibly write could make a difference but my whole heart goes out to you and iv just streamed with tears for you and your precious little Bobbie, I pray each day your heart heals a little. I had my mmc in July it does ease as time passes but today has not been a good day for me... There will always be these days, we will always ache for our lost ones but it does get easier to live again... Take care dear xxx

SauvignonBlanche · 14/10/2010 18:52

I'm so sorry to hear that on top of your mental anguish you have physical pain too. Sad
Your service sounds lovely, that's just what I had, just me, DH and our priest.
I'm an RC and there was a specific service, the words of which I kept in my memory box as they were so beautiful. I've just got them out now, it was the 'Rite of Final Commendation for an Infant' and is suitable for newborns, still births or babies lost like ours. I'm sure your church will have something similar, the church has moved on it's understanding of this particular grief.
I do hope you gain some small comfort from this.
Thinking of you x

Original poster
spilttheteaagain · 14/10/2010 22:46

Found this poem today and I thought I'd share it as it really touched me:

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.

OP posts:
littlewish · 15/10/2010 09:30

I love this poem too Spilt Everytime I read it I cry as it explains exactly how I feel and how you are probably feeling too. Every time I have a good cry I feel better afterwards for a litle while.

Thinking of you

MummyWilliams · 15/10/2010 09:30

spilt that poem is beautiful. Your burial service sounds lovely. Have you got a date? Did you take a look at that website I told you about? Here is one of the poems we had at our service :

Baby Footprints.
These are my tiny footprints, so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel tears, of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterfly's lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in Mummy & Daddy's hearts
Because even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part.

You, your DP & Bobbie are in my thoughts everyday spilt

Many hugs xxx