MMC picked up at 20 week scan yesterday, going to hospital tomorrow

[spilttheteaagain]

I went to the 20 week scan yesterday and we found that our baby had died, somewhen in the last 3 weeks since I last saw my MW.

I got sent straight to Gloucester hospital to see a doctor who explained what happens next. I've had a tablet yesterday to ripen my cervix ready for induction tomorrow to deliver the baby.

I'm getting a dragging, periody feeling now so I'm wondering if things might be starting slowly and DH and I are getting ourselves organised bit by bit with what to take to hospital.

Not really too sure what I'm trying to ask or say here, but we're so lost and frightened and shocked. I know lots of people on here have been through similar things and maybe might have things that helped them?

We're very at sea about what happens after the delivery with the baby.
From the scan it's head was only 10cm circumference so it's going to be very small and fragile. Has anyone seen their baby when it was this little? Did it help or was it disturbing? What did they look like?

I'm crying writing this.

What did you need or wish you had at hospital? I've been told they are giving us a private room and DH can stay all the time.

Please help.

MummyWilliams thank you I did look at the website, there are some lovely keepsake ideas on there. I want to get a nice book at somepoint to write in all these lovely poems and put in some of the cards and messages we've been sent. Something that I can really cry my way through when I need to, if that makes sense?

The burial service will be on Tuesday in the afternoon. I think I want to carry the little box.

I want my baby so much

I'll be thinking of you on Tuesday, the image in my mind of DH carrying the little coffin will never go away, he was so brave.

I don't know where to post this now so thought maybe carrying on here was as good as anything.

I just feel so broken and lost. The emptiness and the ache are indescribable. I feel like I've lost all my hope now. I don't really know how to "move on" from losing my baby. I don't want to move on either, I want to wallow in the grief. The idea of pulling myself together and working towards going back to work shortly is just terrifying. I don't feel like the same person anymore.

After carrying and talking to my baby for 4.5 months, I feel so alone now.

As all the post-birth physical effects come to an end (bleeding slowing, boobs shrinking again now) I feel bereaved again. It's like losing the last tangible links to my pregnancy and my Bobbie.

Please tell me it gets easier to live with?

oh my lovely, i have no experience of late mc, but from what my mil has told me, the grief becomes a part of who you are. you will never forget bobbie, and you never should. but it will get easier to bear. you are being so strong, my thoughhts are with you x

Hello Spilt. Do you want to come over to the bereaved mummies thread? We have a number of mothers who have suffered late loss in pregnancy and we all understand the emptiness you feel.

Does it get easier to live with? Somehow, bit by bit, it does, but you must be gentle on yourself. Wishing you lots of love x

Thanks Heliantha, I think I might. See you there soon x

Hi Spilt

I am so sorry to read about your loss and very touched by your brave story of giving birth to Bobbie.

I have 2 living DDs and have also lost two baby girls, one at 13 weeks and one at 20 weeks gestation. My babies both suffered from conditions incompatible with life and thus we decided to terminate (not without much anguish). Reading your posts has brought back the birth and loss of my 20 week old, the leaking, engorged breasts that deflated surprisingly too soon, the feeling of being somehow amputated by the loss of the baby who had been such a vital part of me.

It does get easier, IME. The loss never goes away but you learn to live with it and it becomes part of you. But it goes in waves, it isn't a linear recovery process, and missing the baby never entirely goes away, as indeed you wouldn't want it to.

In many ways it was easier for me as I already had a DD when I lost my two baby girls, and hence I HAD to keep going for her. But you will keep going, and you will find ways of commemorating Bobbie.

Be kind to yourself. Cocoon yourself a little, let yourself grieve. You've been through so much and you sound so dignified despite your agony.

And may beautiful Bobbie rest in peace.

I am thinking of you.

spilt I know the early times are absolute agony. But I echo what everyone else has said. The grief will change, it will get better, it won't go away - and it does become part of who you are. You will be a changed person, your take on life will be different. I don't think any person can go through this and it not change them in some way. I carried our little Jack into the crematorium, I was sad, but SO PROUD to be able to do this for our son - if that makes sense. I'm so sorry you are going through this, I know the days seem so dark, like there is no future, no hope, and why have dreams because they just get shattered. BUT I PROMISE YOU SPILT this will get better, its very, very early days, you need to be gentle to yourself, cry, be angry etc etc. Although I still cry, and have very dark moments, it has been nearly 6 months since our loss, but the pain of it all is much more manageable because I am learning to cope with it all. I really hope you are ok spilt. Is you DP and family supportive? I found that DP dealt with it all in his own way, and he seemed to recover so quickly (which I resented). Thats how Mumsnet helped me so much. I needed to talk about Jack. So thats what I did.

I hope you are finding some help on the bereaved mummies thread.

You are in my thoughts so much at this time spilt. Much love to you xxx

Cantdothis I'm so sorry you've been through this loss twice.

I think one of the things that's so hard is that everyone else's life moves on and I'm stuck in this empty sort of limbo.

MummyWilliams I know what you mean about needing to keep talking about your baby and what's happened. I find it really hard when the conversation moves on, because I'm not ready to think about other things yet.
DH is being lovely and supportive but as you say is dealing with it all a lot faster. I still have the whole pregnancy to adjust from and unravel and that takes more than a week...
My parents are on holiday at the moment, and whilst the distance was useful right at the start when I just wanted to hide, I would now quite like a hug from my mum and a change in the shoulder to cry on.

Can I ask, how long did you take off of work after losing Jack?

Hi! spilt I know what you mean about needing a mum hug. Like you my parents live so far away. I don't have any close by friends or family so it was very tough. I couldn't go out in public without DP and was very clingy for about 5/6 weeks. I can remember many early trips out, just simple things like Tescos, and I would just be walking along, as you do, and then burst into tears. A trip to the doctors, accompanying DP, as he wasn't well, led to tears, because thats where the midwife couldn't hear Jacks heartbeat.

I had about 3 and a bit weeks off. I would've taken longer if I'm honest but because I work for myself, I had to go back. I spent most of the time crying, looking at his pictures, investigating reasons why, planning poems and music for his cremation. Listening to the music I had chosen (which I still do). I needed to do this by myself - really let it all come out, thrash it out of myself - if that makes sense.

With my first loss at 15 weeks, I bottled alot of stuff up and I hate to say this to you right now, but I ended up self harming. It's very important that you take all the time you need, all the help you need, do and have anything that you need. I come on here everyday. So if you need someone to talk to I am right here. You can private message me if you need anything.

It's not easy being pregnant again. I have been having scans every 2 weeks since 6 weeks. I am also seeing a pregnancy counsellor to talk through all these anxieties. I am taking all the help I can so that I am able to deal with it.

Still in my thoughts spilt xxx

I am so so sorry for your sad loss. Bobbie and you are in my thoughts. I suffered a MMC but a bit earlier and know how horrible it is. I just wanted to let you know that yet another person is thinking of you and Bobbie, spilt. Good luck and much love to you.

Thanks MW, you've been really helpful over the last few days (reassuring me that I am not going insane, and that this really is as crap and hard as it feels)

It sounds like you are getting very good antenatal care atm which at least means they take your worries and mental health seriously. It must be so very draining being pregnant after your experiences, I imagine you can't relax into pregnancy at all in the way that you innocently do first time round.

Not sure if you've found it, but there is a thread in pregnancy for people like us here, for all the folk who've been through something tough already and don't feel "right" on the normal antenatal boards.

I was asking about time off because my sick note runs out on Friday (2 weeks) and I don't feel anywhere near ready to go out and face the world again, but also have severe work guilt about being off... I'm sure this is silly of me.

I've had my first time alone this morning as DH has gone back to work, and it's horrid . He's on his way back now to work from home this afternoon and I am so relieved!

Dear Split
I am so very sorry for the loss of your Bobbie.
I lost my little boy Jacob at 37 weeks in 2007 - he was born in Gloucester too.
Have you had any contact with the bereavement midwife? She is fabulous and has remained a close friend.

I am hoping that while in hospital you were given access to a small box of essentials to take if you needed and also a leaflet my husband and I wrote.

If you'd like a RL person to listen I am more than happy too, even if on email.
The road you are travelling now is a long one and there are many rough times but one day you will look back and realise that something has changed and that you are no longer in the darkest scariest days. I hope you have many people to hold your hand through this journey.

Much love
x

Hi florence.
I'm so sorry you lost Jacob. Did you know before the delivery? I hope the folk at Gloucester were as good to you as they were to us.

Yes the bereavement midwife has visited and will do again soon (was it Viv Hall for you as well?) She was very soothing last time, and it's nice to be around someone who isn't uncomfortable with crying.

We did have the little box you describe in our room, I was touched that someone had thought of it. There was also a donated stereo in memory of another little boy (Joseph I think) born sleeping in 2006. The little extra comforts do make it more bearable.

Yes we knew. We were in hospital a few days before with what appeared to be the start of labour and then while they were checking him on a scanner there was a sudden problem - despite being rushed to delivery we lost him pretty much before our eyes :(

The staff we lovely and yes Viv - she is wonderful, she will listen forever ((()))

I am glad the box was there, we just wanted to do something.

Do you fb at all? If you would like to you can add me

I was thinking of you today.
I hope the service went well.

I've been thinking of you too. x

and me xxx

Thanks ladies, it did go well. Lots of tears obviously but we managed to read the poems and prayers that we wanted to. I carried the little casket down to the grave, it was a beautiful white and silver one with a little silver plaque on it. We filled the hole in afterwards which was strangely soothing, I think as a way of knowing that Bobbie is safely tucked in now. Left a white rose on the grave.

Afterwards we went for a walk through the deer park to talk about it all and remember our little one.

florence your story is shocking, you must have been so frightened. This has really brought home to me that there is no "safe now phase" of pregnancy. My innocence on that has been completely blown. I'm not really a fb-er (lost my password about 3 years ago...) but thank you. Have you found the private messaging facility on MN yet? I think it's relatively new.

We never had the chance to play, to laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now, and listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother, he'll always be your dad.
You'll always be our baby, the child we never had.

But now you're gone, but yet you're here. We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy, there's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong, we'll forget you never.
The child we had, but never had, and yet will have forever.

Miss you little one xxx

Hi spilt. This is a lovely poem, I went to bed last night with the last lines being the last thing I remember before going to sleep. My pillow was wet with tears as it so often is.

This is so hard to deal with isn't it.

Take care x

It's like a real living nightmare that you can't get out of.

littlewish what's your story (if it's ok to ask)?

I have a very similar story to you, we had those awful words " things don't seem to be going to plan". I found out that my baby had died at the 20 week scan on Thursday 1st July 2010. We heard the heartbeat at 18 weeks with the midwife but the scan showed that the baby was only 15 weeks in size and had died. I too had to deliver our little one on Monday 5th July. The hospital dealt with the burial and we didn't get to see the baby as we didn't feel I could cope with it at the time, unfortunately our nurse wasn't very sympathetic, " never mind one of those things" type of attitude. Not holding our baby is something that I really regret. Unfortunately we didn't have any tests done so will never find out if it was a boy or a girl either.

I am very fortunate that I do have two DS's but I long for my baby so much as I know what I am missing.

I do feel a little better as the weeks go on, something I thought I would never feel back in the summer. I am back at work now which I feel does help me.

I still cry every day especialy when I am alone or at night. Luckily my Dh is fab and I get a huge amount of comfort from his hugs.

I don't know anyone in real life who has lost a baby at the point that we did so this forum has helped me feel less alone with it all.

I don't post much but I do read quite often.

Thanks x

Your story is almost identical to mine in terms of dates and baby age. Would it help you at all if I described what Bobbie looked like after birth? I don't know if you might like to try and build a picture of your baby or if you'd rather not. (If this is a tactless or badly phrased offer I really do apologise and feel free to ignore)

So sorry you had an insensitive midwife . Ours was so lovely and gentle and I'm certain it's made the memories better.

How long did it take you to get back to work?

Glad you have a good DH. There's something so precious about the warmth and closeness of a hug, especially when you're feeling such an ache for the baby you were carrying and then expecting to hold.

Take care of yourself x

Sorry I haven't replied, had visitors for a few days.(my sisterwho lives a 6 hour drive away).

Thak you for offering to describe little Bobbie. Was he perfectly formed only very very small? Was he bigger than the palm of your hand? I do sort of have a picture in my head of my little one. I wish I had seen the tiny face and the hands and feet.

I went back to work after 4 weeks. I only work part time anyway, then I had 2 weeks holiday after being back at work for 2 weeks. The first few days were hard. Some collegues would cry and hug me others would not say much at all not to upset me. I prefered a hug! I now feel ok at work sort of safe like I do at home. I still get wobbly if I'm out by myself, I should be very pregnant now, our baby was due on 14th November ( valentine's day baby!) everywhere I look I see new babies.

Hope you are ok today, get a hug off Bobbies dad.

I may disappear again for a few days, we are going away for a couple of nights. (half term).

Take care x