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Meet-ups

When meeting up take sensible precautions. Meet in a public place and let others know where you are going.

Original poster

WEST LONDON MEET-UP THREAD - OCTOBER 2006 - EALING, ACTON, CHISWICK, KEW, RICHMOND, ISLEWORTH, KINGSTON ETC

720 replies

MrsBigD · 02/10/2006 11:03

Here's the general chit-chat thread for October

Synopsis please on what I've missed last week! Too pre-occupied for various reasons to wade through all threads. Thanks

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TutterIckOrTreat · 04/10/2006 12:21

hello, can i be naughty and stick my head in here to ask you to have a look at my thread here

Original poster
MrsBigD · 04/10/2006 12:32

I'm with you Nanou1 but the problem lies in 'getting him to talk', he just comes out with a few one liners, platitudes and defensive notions. I even give him openings like 'I know I'm not perfect and am more than happy to listen to whatever you want to criticise etc.' I can't make it any easier can i?

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fatfox · 04/10/2006 13:00

MrsBigD - I have the same problem with mine not communicating and we went through a make or break scenario a few years ago.

We actually got a very good friend who we both trusted to mediate as we couldn't discuss things. When I tried to discuss issues on our own, he would just snap back at me. With our friend there, he kind of felt he'd at least get a fair hearing and it meant we couldn't twist each other's words. TBH she just sat there most of the time and only intervened when there was a misunderstanding. She is actually one of his friends, which made him open up a bit more.

I think you need to get into a mind frame where you can both be honest about what your "issues" are. He seems to have some deep seated resentments which he can't even verbalise at he moment and you're feeling really frustrated with his inability to communicate with you at all.

Can you get a trusted friend of you both to sit it?

Or you could say to him "look I still really love you and want to make this work". The love word my make him realise you want to hear what he has to say?

Sounds like the resentment about you being away on key dates is the tip of a whole other resentment iceburg and you need to get underneath to find out what his real issues are. He probably feels you should recognise what they are anyway, so doesn't see why he should have to explain it.

Original poster
MrsBigD · 04/10/2006 14:00

thanks ff ... problem is dh hasn't got all that many friends, not to mention trusted ones.

As for deep seated resentments... I'd love to hear them and work on them, but as my crystal ball is broken, and he won't tell me what's a girl to do? I know I'm far from perfect but he won't tell me what's p'ing him off.

Had a quick chat with my boss and he reckons it's a man thing and it's probably work related... why did I talk to my boss... well he called me in for a talk and I told him to be nice because I@m in a crisis, and he said he'll wait with his little chat then till tomorrow. Still had our chat and basically what he had lined up for me once he closes down here is probably falling through so in a couple of months I'll defo be out on my butt.

Just checked various jobsites and it's bleak for what I'm looking for. Sorry I'm not doing a high powered 40h/week job for 20k!

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Original poster
MrsBigD · 04/10/2006 14:01

btw sorry for taking over the chit-chat thread with my moaning. Really should have started a separate one

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2Cute · 04/10/2006 14:47

BigD - Just quickly logged on to see if you're any better. Did you get my email?

I think FF's advice is spot on. You have to get him to open up to someone. If no friends then how about getting him an appointment booked to see a someone? Tell him you're not saying he needs help but just to see someone who has experience of helping people communicate. Propose the idea and see what he says. Tell him you love him (eventhough he's driving you nuts at the moment, don't repeat this bit!) and want to work things out but can't do it without his help. If he agrees, I'll CAT you details of a therapist that's really good at getting men to talk.

Nanou1 · 04/10/2006 15:17

hi guys! read ff and 2cute posts with great interest. dont know about mrsbigd but my dh would never talk to a friend about our marital problems... would not even talk to a therapist so forget a friend!!! if mrbigd is fine by talking in front of mediator - this is great but if not, how about writing to him telling him you love him and you are so sorry and sad ; mention some of your private moments when you first dated and talked about the future etc and this is still what you want etc and ask him to write back, asking him how he feels and why. that unless he tells you then you can't understand.

fatfox · 04/10/2006 19:13

Nanou - I did that with DH too actually at that crisis time - wrote to him and told him I still loved him and did he want to give it one last try.

It worked - he was really chuffed actually! I kind of put my cards on the table and left the ball in his court, so he felt he had some control over the situation.

Uwila · 04/10/2006 21:35

Oh, damn Big D, is this still going on? I thought it might have blown over by now? I find when things get heaed like this it's best t olet things blow over, cool down for a bit, then go back with a big long list of what is wrong with DH... okay, just kidding about the list... sort of.

But, I think you should go and enjoy Munich with the kids. Tell DH he is welcome and you would like to have his company. But, if he still doesn't want to go thenokay you can give him some space if that's what he wants. Let it be his choice. This is your brother's wedding and don't let a stupid argument spoil it.

When are you back from Munich? Do you want anything from Chicago to cheer you up? And I hate to ask, but is there any chance of me getting those pictures tomorrrow night? IF not, it's okay. Not a big deal. Don't worry.

2Cute · 04/10/2006 22:26

BigKat's sister had a baby boy today!

FF - how're you feeling today?

Paddlechick666 · 05/10/2006 09:55

grrrr

arrgggg

feckin MEN!

that's all I can say as I am now out till much later this evening.

i wish I felt marginally better for the above but I don't!

arrrrgggggggggg

ff, hope you're feeling better and give my nanny a call. her partner sounds like a great builder - obviously he's a bloke so the normal restrictions will still apply I suppose.

have a good day everyone - I am driving to Stansted with a baby who does NOT travel well!

PC666

Paddlechick666 · 05/10/2006 09:57

ps: MrsBigD, empathise with you altho my issues are different the core of the problem is still that birth defect I've referred to before!!!

YanksUponThames · 05/10/2006 10:27

Real Hugs and warm thoughts! Trying to keep up and feel like crap for not being more present and supportive. FF, hope you feel better. Horrible to have such worries while pg. MrsBigD, so sorry that dh issues are so horrible, too. I do hope you can somehow chug thru to some mutually helpful situation.
Believe me, I can relate. My life with my own dh has been so horrible for the past several years that I just completely avoid the topic with everyone mostly. I try hard to avoid even starting to moan, it's just too much. Too much emotion, and way too much to lay on anybody else to have to listen to. Even family, except sometimes my sister. Not a good situation to be in. I hear what you're saying, and I think FF & Uwila & Nanou & SJ etc. have made some really good comments. I wish more of these good suggestions worked for me (tried many of 'em already), but my dh happens to be a very atypical bloke and person in too many ways.

Maybe we should have a Relationship Moaning (and/or therapy) thread. Takes a while to type up all the stuff we want to talk about, tho!

Man, I do feel a loser for not keeping up with you all more consistently! It's truly hard for me to spend enough time in front of the computer. Hard while SAHM, impossible (mostly) when dh is around. (had a lot more time for it when I was at work!)

Original poster
MrsBigD · 05/10/2006 11:00

Hi ladies, I'm back

Congrats to BigKat

Thanks everybody for letting me bend your ears. Got apology, flowers and chocolats last night from dh. Probably coming to Munich with us, though his company has just gone and cancelled all leave. He'll be having discussions with his manager today.

Uwila, hoping pics will show up today! They've cocked up and had sent them to a totally wrong address! Next time I go in person!!! Will dash home lunchtime and let you know. If they show (here's hoping) I could drop them over to Brentford after picking up ds from nursery?

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Original poster
MrsBigD · 05/10/2006 11:08

Yanks, hadn't realised your rel was that tough, want to meet to have a 'my dh is an idiot' bashing ?

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YanksUponThames · 05/10/2006 11:29

MrsD - Absolutely. Good idee. Must bolt right this minute, but can talk a bit later.

Uwila · 05/10/2006 13:33

Oh no no no no...and NO! you may not have a DH bashing session when I can't come.

Glad you got some nice choccies, Mrs Big D.

Now, about the job front, have you thought aboutdoing some freelance translating? I mean when I read your posts it actually strikes me that your English is really quite impressive considering it's not your first language. You could set your own hours. ANd you could choose which work you do and don't want to do.

fatfox · 05/10/2006 13:35

MrsBigD - good to see he's seeing the error of his ways I hope the flowers were a decent bunch and not from the petrol station, like what I get!

Uwila · 05/10/2006 13:36

Oh, and call me if you can get the pics by tonight. I'm not in Brentford today, but rather playing SAHM in Sunbury/Kew/Twickenham/Kingston (I get around). But, I could come up to Ealing tonight if that's an option.

Original poster
MrsBigD · 05/10/2006 13:50

Uwila, Went home lunchtime but no postie had been yet. Will call you later

We can always arrange for monthly DH bashing sessions you're bound to be around for one of them

As for freelance translations... ah there's a glitch... I might be fluent in both languages but translating isn't a strength of mine. General gist blurb is o.k. but word for word. Also very hard to get in, like so many other freelance stuff. But appreciate the thought.

FF flowers were a nice bunch of Asteria (?) big centre and lots of petals going round and last for ages. Probably from coop but I like them and it's the thought that counts right?

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Nanou1 · 05/10/2006 14:40

girls can't be long .... lol and bravo mrsbigd... lol re flowers. when you get flowers from your man, they usually mean "iamsorrytobesuchaplonker". re translation i agree with mrs uwila, it's very technical and you screw up once, i am afraid you're done!!!! but i agree with you that mrsbigd's english is indeed very impressive. am tbh!!!! yanks...am so sorry to read this [hugs to you]. got to go....

suejoneziscalmernow · 05/10/2006 16:11

I think my English is pretty impressive too.

Original poster
MrsBigD · 05/10/2006 16:28

oh it is my dear especially when you emphasise it with that waggly finger of yours

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suejoneziscalmernow · 05/10/2006 16:29

I charge extra for translating finger waggles

YanksUponThames · 05/10/2006 17:23

So what's the big deal with sue's finger waggles anyway?? Sheesh, I flap my fingers & hands & arms all over the place, and even spit on people by accident (during plosive pronunciations, though I do try to apologize!). Not that I'm proud of it or anything, it just sort of happens when I'm actually involved and paying attention to a conversation...
So it's a compliment, really, indicating that I Care and that I'm Present For The Conversation...

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