I can't remember the last time something went right for me

[IllegallyBrunette]

Don't get me wrong, I know that there are people worse off than me, but it just struck me today that I now can't remember the last time something that I/we really needed or wanted went right.

It's got so that I don't even expect anything good to happen anymore and never expect things to work out be it job applications or whatever.

It is making me have a really negative view on absolutly everything I do tbh.

but counselling is so much different from CBT.
CBT actually is a proactive type of therapy, it makes you think, it challenges you.

Its not just someone sitting there nodding their head and repeating everything you say (i had this and hated it, waste of time)

I really rate CBT. I think that it would be an ideal therapy for you Nutty

Nutty - I have been on my own for over 3 years now too. Sometimes (most of the time?!) it just feels like one long slog. I think what people are trying to say is that it is really hard work, and it's no wonder that you are feeling crap about it all.

I don't think anyone thinks that you are just banging on about it, we have all just been reading your threads and you seem to feel that you are sinking, not swimming. The suggestion about the doctor isn't a bad one - I've been on ad's (not sure if you have before) and they aren't a miracle cure, they just make things manageable again, and don't you deserve that?? Don't just accept feeling rubbish, try to fight your way back again...

Also, and I know that this sounds trite, but you sometimes only need one thing to go right for things to start falling back into place...Maybe speak to the doctor and you can take that first step...So much easier said than done, I know .

Didn't you go to Spain or somewhere fairly recently for a hen do and it was your first time abroad? That went right didn't it?!

You do need to try and focus on the positives in your life, however hard that may seem atm.

You are a young, attractive, intelligent woman with your whole life still ahead of you. You have plenty of time to turn things around, believe me.

I did yes Mercy and yes it went ok, I enjoyed it.

Her wedding is in 2 weeks time and I am absolutly dreading it but I won't let her down, despite the fact that once it is over i'll be lucky to hear from her once every few months.

That is not me being pessamistic by the way, that is me being realistic and knowing from experiance.

do you have other mums around that you can count on as friends?
Sometimes just spending time with my friends and having a good giggle cheers me up no end.

I have absolutly no friends honestly.

I have people that I refer to as friends but they aren't really as they only have anything to do with me because it benefits them ie free childcare etc.

I expect to see a certain friend later this week because she is collecting her new dog and so she will suddenly be my friend again then so I can help her settle it in.

I don't have one single person who I can ring for a chat if I am having a rough day or anything like that.

So i tend to keep it all to myself or offload on here.

IB, i hear you (even though I'm jealous you have your own house!!)

Years ago I read a book by John Gray about 'filling up your tanks' and it made a lot of sense. There was family tank, fun tank, friendships/relationships tank.

It was a self-help book, but it was the only one I ever managed to finish. It was common sense. It just helped you identify what little things WERE in your power to add to your life.

The theory was that by filling up one tank, the other tanks would be easier to fill. I haven't explained it very well. But you sound a bit low recently, and I read the book when I was low thinking it would a load of American shite! and it wasn't.

Wish I could remember the name of th ebook. Will do some googling.

you can whinge at me on fb

the thing is, people feel frustrated because we want to see you feeling positive, BUT at the same time it is so hard to when you are feeling trapped and stuck and helpless, you cant see the wood for the trees

some of the things said may seem harsh, but i am pretty certain it is all done with the very best of intention

unfortunately when someone feels as low as you appear to, all that does is make you retreat into yourself more, and it becomes a downward spiral

i felt utterly crap this morning, and i just knew if i let it i would feel worse and worse, so i made myself go out to see another friend for an hour, one feeling equally shite for different reasons

it made us feel so much better for doing so, not necessarily because we were together, but we forced ourselves to get out

i know it's only a temporary thing, but at least it made me feel a bit better about coping with the rest of the day

i can't take ad's either, so i have to rely on self help techniques to get by

Are you sure all your friend just use you?
i think you may be thinking about this the wrong way too - im sure they really like you and love seeing you, otherwise they wouldnt be your friends.

i do have one friend who uses me quite a lot, but thats life! she is still a very funny mate, and now i get her doing loads of stuff for me too! (like feeding my animals whilst we are away for a fortnight)

try this?

Don't be put off by the fact that it's the mars and venus guy. This book is different. Now it is coming back to me, it was a bit annoying that he kept going on about how much he loved his wife (yuck) but the concept is good. We need to look after every aspect of our lives and not just pour all our efforts in to fixing the obvious GAP.

And we are not completely powerless. Steps that seem small and pointless can lead somewhere. I think that's the message... more or less. I took some from it though.

self help books have helped me loads this year!!!!!!!!!!!!

IB, just read this whole thread, and I know it seems a harsh thread, but contentment is a kind of gift, and it's not necessarilly wealthy people who have that gift. We can be content too.

What TheBigGermanPrison said sounds harsh because it points a critical finger at you. I don't doubt that you've had it rough, I have myself as you know. But after I left my children's father and was homeless, I got talking to a man from Uganda. I am not trying to make YOU feel grateful that you're not living in Uganda, but the point I'm making is that talking to that man about what he'd lived through and endured and suffered and triumphed over, it DID give me some perspective. I clearly needed it at that time. I know he didn't lose two children to disease and have to walk 5 miles to school with no shoes every day just to make ME feel better about my life one day! BUT, talking to him DID make me feel better. It really did.

I'm not gonna lie to you and say I never feel jealous of people's lovely homes. But.... I get on with it. There IS a certain learnable skill to the art of being content. 15 minutes peace, a cup of tea in the garden and read the paper BLISS! browse round second hand shop and find a bargain! Result!!!!!

I'm not trying to be mean to you because I#m really trying to help. I have felt very low at times. But both times I scooped myself back up out of it. It is something that you literally have to step OUT of though.

I hope you feel better about things. You don't have to pretend you're happy here. But in RL, I think it can be wise to be positive unless something awful has happened. They say choose your battles when you're with somebody! and I say, choose your crises carefully when you want your friends' support.

If you're not a glass half full type of person at the moment, FAKE it. Positivity FEEDS positivity and some of it will rub off for real.

BTW, I seem like a new poster, but I'm an old poster with a new name.

I have 2 'friends'.

Friend A I have known since I was 6/7. We loived opposite each other for the whole of our childhoods and were best friends until I met xp and then we fell out.
We made up again but have never been close since. She constantly makes snide remarks about me being on benefits etc. We don't socialise together at all, she has lots of other friends who she has lots in common with. Me and her have nothing in common anymore as we went in totally opposite directions after leaving school. I am her chief bridesmaid yes, but I think that has alot to do with the fact that her parents and my dad are still firm friends and neighbours.
Once the wedding is over we will go back to rare contact.

Friend B I have known since pregnant with Ds so nearly 6 years. Her eldest and mine are in the same class at school and we live within spitting distance of each other.
We got friendly as we sometimes walk to school together and then I started occasionally having her kids for her. Soon realised that I would see alot more of her when she needed me for childcare and hardley anything of her when she didn't need me.
She regularly comes round here on the pretence of seeing how I am and will then drop out that she has a favour to ask.
She has alot of friends that she has known for years and they are all quite well to do and don't live round here. She goes out with them all on a regular basis and has on occasion mentioned taking me along but it never happens.
I very often mention us going out to the pictures etc and we have actually been once, the same week that she asked me to have her children again as her childminder was ill.
We both wanted to go and see Mama Mia, and I told her to let me know when as she has a busier schedule than me. Whilst waiting for her to decide, my mum asked me if i wanted to go, and I said no because i was going with this friend.
Friend then tells me she has been, took her five year old.

Other than those 2 people I have no friends at all, and as you can see, they aren't really friends anyway.

Lou - I am not on FB anymore.

do you have me on msn nutty?

Not sure Lou, can't check at the mo as it won't sign me in, having problems with my internet connection.

Believe me, I fake being happy/content every single day. There isn't one single person in my rl who knows how I really feel. It's a bit like living a double life tbh.

maybe you need to let them know a bit more then?

if they dont think you need some support they cant give it

danny_hyde at hotmail dot com if you dont have me

i dont mind listening

I'd not tell either friend though Lou because they aren't real friends. I don't trust them, I suppose is what I mean.

Not sure I am explaining myself very well.

I am not close to my mum despite seeing her practically every day, so wouldn't tell her either. There are things about me that happened as a teen that she still doesn't know about and won't if I have anyting to do with it.

I will add you as soon as it lets me in Lou.

IB I know how you feel. Was a LP too for a while, after years of DV and I have a severely disabled dd. Life seems to be against you. However much you try, things just seem to keep kicking you back down. It's so easy to get stuck in a negative thinking cycle and I definitely was in one. I'm not sure how but it seems to have lifted a bit with time - doing things for myself was one thing eg courses.

I too think you would benefit from some CBT. There is this one you can do on line: www.livinglifetothefull.com. I haven't tried it but it could help. My local NHS also runs self-help courses which are free - there were courses to help with low self-esteem, stress and anxiety, building self-confidence. Sometimes even just going to the course makes you feel better even if you can't adopt all the ideas in it. Your GP should know about these if they exist in your area.

I think you need to try to find enjoyment in something just for a few minutes each day. Do you ever feel happy? You need to get away from the drudgery of life to try to lift your mood. You also need some friends -I can't help you there as I'm also a bit lonely, am quite new to the area and find it difficult to trust people. But maybe some of these people you are so distrustful of don't really mean to use you - perhaps try to give them a chance, suggest having a coffee or something? Even if they're not going to be your soulmate, maybe in time you could have some fun together, which is what you need imo. Sorry for waffling and also if you think this is all a load of rubbish!

IB, one thing I learnt from my mum was that everybody else isn't leading madly interesting lives with loads of people to see and places to be.

But they are the sort of people who stand out to those of us who are living mundane lives (which is probably most of us tbh)

Life doesn't happen to us, we have to make things happen sometimes. Eg, make a definite time to see a film with another mum rather than letting it drift along, show that you are interested.

SOrry, I'm probably not explaining myself very well now - will be back later this evening.

i will hound you on here until you do nutty lol

Honestly, nothing makes me happy at the moment and the only thing I look forward to is going to bed.

I am always more down in the holidays as I find it hard for no particular reason.

I do try to make arrangements to do things with friend B but she is a student so I very much have to rely on her telling me when she is free as she does shifts.
She never replies to txts or emails so I only see her if I actually go round and knock her door and most of the time she is out.

I've not really had a proper friend since I left school and I have no idea why. Things just seemed to change overnight from me having quite a few friends to having non.

I will have a quick look at the websites linked.

Have added you Lou ! Is it not working ??

You are showing as offline.