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Lone parents

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Original poster

This month i am being made to sell our lovely 3 bed semi for a one bed flat, and my ds is going to live with his dad

222 replies

allgonebellyup · 15/04/2008 13:26

i am so sick of it all.

my ex has decided i "dont deserve" the house any more (we now pay half the mortgage each, although he has been paying ALL of it until 2 mths ago) even though i put 50k of my inheritance money into it.

i do understand that it is a lot for him to pay for, especially as he has got his girlfriend pregnant and the baby is due next month, so he is going to legally force me to sell up.

We've decided that ds can live with him and his girlfriend, as he is not happy here with me and dd.

All i can afford is a one bed flat with my dd, i cant get a mortgage as i am paid cash for my job.
Such a lot to take in really.

OP posts:
Youcannotbeserious · 16/04/2008 11:34

Lostdad - you know, you are a good dad...

Give it time!!

hang in there with what you are doing.....

We do loads of the boring stuff now - standing on the side of sports games, homework, doing the school run (well, I do!!!!)

And it's good fun too.... You'll get there and you deserve it!

ChairmumMiaow · 16/04/2008 11:34

My brother has recently left his wife (my best friend) and I can give you some advice from her experience:

  • You can get a separation agreement in place with financial arrangements. I believe this is generally confirmed when the divorce goes through. Find a sympathetic solicitor
  • her youngest DD (she has 2, one biologically my brother's, the eldest not) has been through some awful behaviour since he left (around 6 months ago). The main thing has been violence which is finally starting to settle down, but we also get a horrible case of the "I wants" every time she comes back from her father, as he and the new girlfriend keep buying them presents (as do my parents who they had previously hardly seen) At times she's also claimed she wants to live with her daddy, but that's mostly been, when questioned, because daddy has such and such at his house!

Hold on there, and try to keep things together. It will get easier, both in yourself and with your DCs, especially when the new baby turns up to take away all the attention!

captainmummy · 16/04/2008 11:59

AGBU - It is not up to XP what access he has to his son. It should be up to the courts - so get some legal advice NOW!

When is the new baby due? He may find other demands on his time, once the new one is there - and will stop being on your back quite so much.

Tippychick · 16/04/2008 12:00

Oh I am worried for you. Try another lawyer please.

With regard to your DS, like someone else said, he feels he can be mean to you cos you're the constant. Or he could be testing you, if he's worried about parents leaving then he's pushing to make sure you're going to stay perhaps? None of his behaviour necessarily means that he hates you! Try to keep him living with you or at least 50-50, it'll be hard to reverse any decision made now I think.

Thinking of you, I hope you can find the strength to go about sorting this.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 16/04/2008 13:07

baby is due in 2 weeks!

OP posts:
CarGirl · 16/04/2008 13:11

have rang around and found a better solicitor yet?? Actually on families need fathers you may get a recommendation of a good family solicitor near you (they do exist have used one in the past).

virtual slap coming your way.......

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 16/04/2008 13:12

yes found one.
got appmt for next Tue. hope its better than the last

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 16/04/2008 13:22

HURRAH!

it's a good start

CarGirl · 16/04/2008 13:22

Go have a look at FNF personal recommendation are the best way to go.

Lolly68 · 16/04/2008 14:43

Just popped back on this thread to see if you have made an appointment and you have! Well done. Will check back to see how you have got on. Good luck.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 16/04/2008 22:23

My sister's best mate is in charge of a home ownership housing association in my town, so will see if she can help at all! Im sure she can point me in the right direction! [excited face]

OP posts:
CarGirl · 16/04/2008 22:25

Hurrah!!!!

littlewoman · 17/04/2008 10:53

Hello AGBU, I don't have anything useful to say about buying houses, but I can guarantee you that the CAB did not say you were rather selfish, although I expect it was said by somebody in your xh's house. It is so easy just to collapse under the weight of everything, so well done for finding the fight to go and see a solicitor. Wishing the best possible outcome for you and your dc's.

isheisnthe · 17/04/2008 11:16

well done x

Tinkerbel6 · 17/04/2008 11:30

AGBU your ex will have to accept every other weekend whether he likes it or not, why should he have the best days to spend quality time with your son whilst you spend mon - fri stressed holding a job down, running a home and school runs, if this went to court a judge would most likey grant every other weekend access and maybe a day in the week.

Your ex is manipulating you and your son, he is very clever in what he is doing by buying gifts and making himself look like the better parent, your ex should be working with you and not against you by not jumping every time your son gets on the phone to him, he should be sticking up for you and telling your son that you should be listened too and are only doing your best.

This is a power struggle and I hope you get the strength to toughen up, your son is a weapon to be used against you by your ex and its working, your son is a novelty now but once that new baby comes along he wont get a look in, do not hand your son over to this man as you wont get him back, your son is only 4 and you need to take the power away from him aswell as you are the adult, do not let him use the phone and discipline him when he is naughty, get rid of the house you are in now as its also a weapon to be used against you when it suits your ex, be free of this man once and for all

captainmummy · 17/04/2008 12:47

Yay tinkerbell! Hold onto your excitment AGBU - you know you can do it!

We will help. DP can't bully any all of us.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 18/04/2008 10:09

tinkerbel thanks for the advice - although when the baby is born i know ex-dh will be a great dad to it, he insists that he will be even more obsessed with ds to compensate .
i dont know how his woman will deal with this, but i know he loves/worships ds so much that ds will never be abandoned.

am currently trying to sell house again..

OP posts:
FAWKEOFF · 18/04/2008 10:26

so sorry that you're in this situation, i have followed some of your threads and know you have had a rough time with the split. In all honesty i would explore every option you can regards to not being under EX DPs control. ring the CAB yourself and explain what situation you're in and what the best option would be, selling the house and being free of his control will be the only way that you can move on yourself and get closure x you have the right to be happ in your life...as they say you only get one x

CarGirl · 18/04/2008 18:35

I'm wondering if you can keep 100% of the equity temporarily under that agreement thingy until you ds is 18????? It would help you move out and it would get rid of the mortgage etc. You would then have to pay the 20% to your ex when your ds reaches 18 but at that point you will be hopefully earning and possibly able to downsize.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 18/04/2008 19:01

i did suggest this to ex, at first he said yes, but then he changed his mind.. he wants to pay off more of his debts (which are MY fault apparently)and add an extension on to his mums house where him and the gf live..

OP posts:
CarGirl · 18/04/2008 19:46

that is where solicitor will come in very very very helpful (hopefully)

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 18/04/2008 19:56

i am worried the solicitor will make me split the equity 50/50!

OP posts:
CarGirl · 18/04/2008 21:41

I think because you are married there is some law around that your ex cannot make your son homeless to get his share of the equity which could work in your favour?

davidtennantsmistress · 18/04/2008 21:43

see a solc ag - as I understand it the equity isn't as simple as you putting in the £50K as your own.

what do you have in writting re this?

as I understand it (and not sure if it's even correct so I will stand corrected) but, if you put in £50K you get back the % of it's worth - ie if your house was worth ££150K and you put £100K deposit (£50 of that being yours the rest joint), and £50K mortgage, you would get back the 1/3 % you put in as yours, the mortgage would be paid off, and what ever was remaining would be split 50/50 with you and your XH. so it's not a case of you might mot be able to afford the house if the equity you're basing things on is lower than it should be iycwim. so based on that your house is now worth say £300K, you'd get back £100K as your deposit, pay the £50K morgage and then have £150K split equally between you and XH. but they are of course figures out of the sky.

not sure if i've made any sense - but see your solicitor.

davidtennantsmistress · 18/04/2008 21:44

cargirl - that's the thing I was on about earlier in teh thread which ishe looked into - there's a clause of sorts which mean the house can't be sold till the youngest child is 18.