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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

This month i am being made to sell our lovely 3 bed semi for a one bed flat, and my ds is going to live with his dad

222 replies

allgonebellyup · 15/04/2008 13:26

i am so sick of it all.

my ex has decided i "dont deserve" the house any more (we now pay half the mortgage each, although he has been paying ALL of it until 2 mths ago) even though i put 50k of my inheritance money into it.

i do understand that it is a lot for him to pay for, especially as he has got his girlfriend pregnant and the baby is due next month, so he is going to legally force me to sell up.

We've decided that ds can live with him and his girlfriend, as he is not happy here with me and dd.

All i can afford is a one bed flat with my dd, i cant get a mortgage as i am paid cash for my job.
Such a lot to take in really.

OP posts:
Original poster
allgonebellyup · 16/04/2008 10:43

yes i think i know that deep down he belongs with me and his sister.

but all he does is punch and kick me because he wants to live with his daddy. i feel like im holding him hostage here. he dials his dad on my phone and secretly asks him to come and pick him up - then lo and behold his daddy turns up like magic and whisks him away for a couple of days

OP posts:
CarGirl · 16/04/2008 10:45

AGBU I would suggest concentrating on sorting out accommodation first to see if you can go shared ownership so that financially things are sorted etc which will give you your independence back.

I'm sorry to hear that your ds is so very sad I'm sure he is picking up on the vibes of how you are all feeling, big hugs. Presumably his Dad works so he wouldn't get to see much of him in anyway. By all means increase the contact with his Dad but him living there is a completely different ball game especially when there is about to be a new baby on the scene. Your ex's relationship is going to change with his new partner etc etc etc

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 16/04/2008 10:49

Cargirl - i guess i know that you are right. i do worry that the new baby may complicate things badly for ds.

OP posts:
isheisnthe · 16/04/2008 10:50

AGBU - put your phone in a place where he cant get it and establish a regular contact routine (if you haven't) - I'd say one overnight on the weekend and then take out to tea on a wednesday - Exp turning up and whicking him away is not acceptable at all. Makes him look like the super hero, which is not fair.

Sounds like your DS is ready for school and that will make a huge difference to his behaviour, is certainly has with my ds1.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 16/04/2008 10:52

thanks isheisnthe, and thanks for defending me.

yes i am hoping that school will help him to grow up a little bit, and also feel more stable.

his dad has him every fri-sun but as he is self employed he also gets quite a few days off in the week, so he phones at the last minute and then appears on doorstep to take ds.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 16/04/2008 10:53

AGBU - he is obviously a sad and angry little boy and I think needs careful handling. Is there someone you can talk to to get professional advice about how to handle him, I would think he needs constant reassurance that everyone loves him a lot of the time and I'm sure that its wearing for you but I can;t help thinking that settling his behaviour down should be you and your ex's main priority not selling the house to sort out his debts.

I wonder if his father taking him away willy-nilly is in fact making him more unsettled - he doesn't seem to have much predictability or securaity in that scenario.

Can you agree with your ex set day when he will take him and perhaps make them split so that he doesn't have to go too long without seeing his dad perhaps teatime with his dad twice a week and stay with him every other weekend and see him during the day for one day on the weekend he doesn;t have him.

I really feel he needs some structure and lots of reassurance. Do you feel up to tackling your ex about this?

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 16/04/2008 10:53

and ds does tell the whole world that his daddy is a "superhero", and how much he "hates" his mummy.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 16/04/2008 10:54

cross posted with isheisnthe there.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 16/04/2008 10:56

his dad does live 80miles away and its a bit of a trek, plus he works long hours so cant really take him out for tea in the week, unless he has the whole day off.

i agree he is feeling confused, thats why i wanted to keep this house, so he feels secure. when i mention moving to him, he screams and sobs.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 16/04/2008 10:58

yes but him saying that doesn't make it true. Custodial parents often bear the brunt of bad behaviour and the non-custodial one gets the fun.

I really really think you need to get access sorted formally with your ex and when DS get violent, find a differnt way of dealing with it that doesn't involve your ex - not sure what - maybe take him out to do something physical he enjoys to distract him, football, bike ride, judo. He needs a safe way of getting the anger out of his system. He needs to learn to talk about how your split makde him feel and how not living with his Daddy makes him feel.

How do you respond when he says he hates you?

CarGirl · 16/04/2008 10:58

TBH the reason why he probably says that he "hates" you is because he is so much more secure in his relationship with you that he can say/behave how he wants absolutely secure that you will always be there for him. Hero worshipping his Dad is probably to try and make sure his Dad hangs around???

Perhaps a good tactic to talk to your ex is bringing up the fact they he will soon have a new baby and wanting to set in place a routine now that will still work when the baby arrives. ie present it as being supportive of your ex's new commitments etc rather than a criticism of the situation at the moment.

Kewcumber · 16/04/2008 11:00

my homest opinion based on what you've said more recently...

Forget moving
Forget your DS living with your ex
Your ex is being selfish to expect his DS to move house when he is obviously struggling to deal with the break up.
Hide the phone

Might think of more later...

isheisnthe · 16/04/2008 11:00

Cos daddy does all the fun stuff! Bet he lets him stay up late and do generally want the F he wants - can I have a lolly, yes son, can I have another lolly, yea son, can I have another lolly, yea son etc etc etc.

I would say he is having him too much, Agree with exp that he has him one night over the weekend and takes to tea one night, this will help ds understand the boundaries. Tell exp that he cant continue to just "show up" as its not fair on you and ds - how long is his GF going to accept that when she has a new born?

My exp is having the boys this week, I know I will get back to evil little so and so's who will no longer go to bed when Cbeebies ends and expect to eat what they want and "do" things every day (which I cant afford) - that seems to be what exp's do, they like to spoil the kids cos they know they are arseholes for leaving them and us in the first place. Your exp isnt the first and he wont be the last, but he is your son, you do most of the child care and you make the rules.

Bollocks to what exp and the girlfriend want, stability is what you, your daughter and your son need, and that will be established with a regular routine that is not altered at all initially.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 16/04/2008 11:01

i have decided i have to keep him with me. it is my depression talking when i say he should live with his dad.
That, and the fact that his dad nags and nags in my ear that ds should be living with him.

OP posts:
lostdad · 16/04/2008 11:02

`Custodial parents often bear the brunt of bad behaviour and the non-custodial one gets the fun.'

Speaking as a non-custodial parent, I can categorically state it is not fun. For me it is only blood, sweat, toil and tears and quite frankly my life would be a lot easier if I walked away from my son as my ex is determined to make me do.

Kewcumber · 16/04/2008 11:02

don't mention moving to your ds it obviously scares him. Plenty of time for him to know when its at a more interesting stage (like choosing new curtains) for his room and you have something concrete to present to him not a scary uncertainty of not knowing what else he will have to deal with.

KerryMum · 16/04/2008 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 16/04/2008 11:05

lostdad please be assured I do not tar all absent parents (which ever sex) with the same brush. If you are being responsible and your ex is making it as difficult and painful as possible then I'm sure it is all blood sweat & tears. Good on you for putting your son first and not walking away however hard it is.

AGBU it does sound like your ex is bullying you so although I think in many ways it would be more stable to stay in your current home because of the bullying from your ex I wouuld still look at the options of moving using shared ownership.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 16/04/2008 11:05

Yes ds is spoit ROTTEN when he is at his dads'.
His dad just bought him a great big rabbit .
Plus nintendo ds, a million transformers, 3 power ranger outfits, a million cuddly pupppies, anything he asks for. And he wonders why he is in debt and cant pay our mortgage ?

kewcumber - i have to think about moving as ex forcing me to sell up - he is stopping mortgage payments so eventually we will get repossessed.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 16/04/2008 11:05

Lostdad - that may be true for you it wasn;t a personal attack - I did say "often". I have plenty of experience of non-custodial parents getting children on their best behaviour twice a week and custodial parents having to deal with tantrums, terrible behaviour etc. Children often feel more insecure around non-custodial parents and are better behaved as a result also the non-custodial parent makes a huge effort to fit in all teh fun things they can in the time they have (which is perfectly natural).

KerryMum · 16/04/2008 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 16/04/2008 11:08

but AM applying to be on housing register,and shared ownership, as ex changes his mind like the weather -one minute he is happy to pay mortgage, then next we are being kicked out.

OP posts:
davidtennantsmistress · 16/04/2008 11:08

ag - sounds to me a bit like your DS is playing you guys off of each other tbh. I know it's mean to say it, but it's not on - DO NOT CAVE IN and let your XH take him he's nagging you and will keep on and on till you do give in, don't let him. this is/hopefully a rough patch for you all. and DS will settle back down.

I agree with other posters who say about the reg contact thing - ours has now settled into every other weekend XH has DS fri night to sun morning at my house, the mondya after he's a nightmare but then fine again, we all know where we are.

as your X lives so far away suggest something similar to him (over night every other weekend and maybe a few calls as well during the week?) my X is 60 miles away and prefers to come here for a whole weekend as opposed to seeing him once a week for a few hours and everyone being tired.

I suspect your DS is pushing how far he can go with things as well. agree with isit put your phone up out of reach, and a lock on your BT phone - ther'es a code of sorts you can get to do it - whilst I think your DS needs to talk to his dad this bit needs to be stopped - then again your X is also to blame here - instead of charging in and taking him away for a few days he could talk things out wiht you and see what's happening. so it's not just DS's fault, (or more to the point your XH could infact come and see DS for a couple of hours then return him)

isheisnthe · 16/04/2008 11:10

Good on you AGBU - its good you recogise that it is depression that is making you feel like DS would be better with daddy, get the routine established, and things I am certain will settle down. Its vital that a routine is there. I have told Exp that unless he sticks to what we agreed religiously that we will have to go to court to establish an arrangement, I dont want the boys messed about, nor myself. Having said that he is always trying to drop off early or not have them - but thats cos he is a nob more than anything else.

davidtennantsmistress · 16/04/2008 11:10

also agree - what sort of a boy wouldn't want to live with a dad who buys him everything he wants and lets him do what he wants - but we all know kids need love and consistency/to be settled what they don't need is money chucked at them left right and centre. (at least that's my personal view)

actually being a parent thou is a lot harder than that and I bet deep down your X knows it. You're doing a fantastic job and don't ever doubt it.

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