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Lone parents

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Original poster

This month i am being made to sell our lovely 3 bed semi for a one bed flat, and my ds is going to live with his dad

222 replies

allgonebellyup · 15/04/2008 13:26

i am so sick of it all.

my ex has decided i "dont deserve" the house any more (we now pay half the mortgage each, although he has been paying ALL of it until 2 mths ago) even though i put 50k of my inheritance money into it.

i do understand that it is a lot for him to pay for, especially as he has got his girlfriend pregnant and the baby is due next month, so he is going to legally force me to sell up.

We've decided that ds can live with him and his girlfriend, as he is not happy here with me and dd.

All i can afford is a one bed flat with my dd, i cant get a mortgage as i am paid cash for my job.
Such a lot to take in really.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 16/04/2008 11:11

can you get housing benefit to pay some of the mortgage? or think about the lodger idea? Or talk to the mortgage company about take a mortgage holiday or reduced payments for 6 months (if you are on repayment swtihc to interest only).

I accept that if between you and your partner you don't have enough money to pay the mortgage you will have to move eventually but:

a) do you have to move now
b) DH will have to give yo usome mainteneance for DS so sort out with solicitor how much, your options will be clearer then.

I'm really trying to bully you into seeing a solicitor as I feel that (perhaps due to dpression) you are trying to avoid the confrontation. But the financial settlement will happen with or without you, either officially or unoffically. You will feel much better about yourself if you manage to wrestle some control back from your ex. The way to do that is to be informed.

Contact legal aid TODAY!

davidtennantsmistress · 16/04/2008 11:12

oh and also, are you on tablets or anything re the depression?

Youcannotbeserious · 16/04/2008 11:13

Lostdad. I'm going to disagree with you here a bit (and I usually agree with pretty much everything you say) BUT......

to the child, It can seem that the custodial parent is continually setting rules / correcting behaviour etc., while the NCP is all about 'fun'....

I am not saying that's how it feels to the NCP (DH and I are also NCPs and I agree it can be hard work BUT!!!!!)

I'm sure that the kids see our place as much more carefree, fun and relaxing than their mums.... Primarily because they are usually at ours at weekends / holidays whereas they are usually at thier mums during the week... so bedtimes are often not enforced, they are allowed sweets and crisps, they are allowed to watch whatever TV they like... the list is pretty endless..

We do fun stuff, we take days out, we cram 7 days worth of contact into 2........ Of course it's hard and of course we have to budget and we often go without A LOT of stuff - but the kids (and sometimes the ex) don't see that....

I am sure we have it easier now, as the kids are older and realise that Dh and I work bl*8dy hard to fund not only our own lifestyle, but also Dh's Ex and theirs when they are with their mum too......... but I am sure when they were younger, life at Dad's seemed like a bed of roses compared to life at mums....

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 16/04/2008 11:14

there is NO way ex will accept having him every other weekend. When i suggest this, this is when he threatens to throw us out of the house.
He says i am trying to stop him seeing his son, but im not, i just think that in september ds will be so tired from starting school full time that it wont be good for him to spend no time at home.

but ex cant see this, he says i am determined to keep him away from his son! i just think every weekend is too much, but i am constantly threatened with being thrown out the house and taken to court. i have told him that the courts would say once a fortnight visits are the only way around it but thinks they will grant him EVERY weekend with his son.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 16/04/2008 11:15

AGBU - you did say you were going to see a solicitor today, you are goin aren't you???? You absolutely MUST, you are depressed he is being manipulative and bullying you need correct legal advice urgently.

I will virtually slap you if you don't get your legal advice sorted.

Kewcumber · 16/04/2008 11:15

yes just to clarify Lostdada - I meant fun for the DC's not the parents. I'm sure having limted access to you DC's is no fun at all for a caring conscientious parent

Youcannotbeserious · 16/04/2008 11:16

Sorry, forgot to say to AGBU - To me, a NCP can seem a bit like the Prodigal son.. (Do you remember that story?)

the Custodial parent is 'in the bag' as it were... Your DS is 'sure' of you, so he feels he has to make less of an effort as he's sure you are going to be about.. He may well feel (on some sub concious level) that dad might disappear if he's not on his best behaviour............ So, he tries harder and is, overall, nicer to Dad.....

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 16/04/2008 11:16

kewcumber - i did actually have 2 appointments with a solicitor, but it was pretty useless, i came out in tears. She said nothing can be done until we are divorced, but i cant get divorced til next april.

OP posts:
Original poster
allgonebellyup · 16/04/2008 11:17

and she did actually tell me i would be better off selling up

but this was at xmas.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 16/04/2008 11:19

AGBU I don't think seeing your ex every weekend is a bad thing tbh. I also don't think it is a point worth arguing about, I think stopping the unplanned midweek turning up is what needs to stop. Pick your battles - if your Ex is doing all the running around each weekend to collect and deliver your ds then leave him to do it. That way if he can't keep it up once his new baby arrives he cannot blame you for it etc.

My dd1 sees her Dad loads (probaby more than me!) and it's always been like that - although I've never seen it as a problem as we very much co-parent.

isheisnthe · 16/04/2008 11:21

He is talking crap AGBU - if he wants more contact - Move closer! And something can be done, you can draw up a seperation agreement at the very least where things like contact can be established. Stop speaking to him AGBU - say you only want contact via text or email - that way all these pathetic threats will be on record for if you have to go to court.

When DS1 went to school last september he could barely walk by friday - let alone travel 80 miles - every other weekend - take it or leave it would be my offer.

davidtennantsmistress · 16/04/2008 11:21

I thought you could sort out some legal seperation issues.

I agree fully with that other posters have said re your son's behaviour etc.

you honestly need to think this is what's right for my son and say to X right you see him every sat every second weekend you can have him fri to sun am, but I want him back at lunch time as he needs to wind down and get ready for school.

i'm not sure how a court would view access, but the whole popping in on the door to take him out isn't on, i'm all for parents seeing their children - and bend over backwards so mine can see his son, but come on here. you're not stopping him seeing his son, you're doing what you think is right in your sons best interests - something which I don't think he can quite see.

LD - (we do know not all dads are like this btw)

Youcannotbeserious · 16/04/2008 11:21

AGBU - at your Ex for not seeing what would be good for DS!!!

You MUST see a solicitor / CAB.. You MUST!

You cannot (and SHOULD NOT HAVE TO) have this over your head every time he doesn't feel he's getting his own way...

Have you considered mediation?

Kewcumber · 16/04/2008 11:22

why can;t you divorce until next april?

you can I beleive had a legal separation with a financial settlement prior to getting divorced. Try a differnt lawyer.

You may be financially better off selling (though I'm not sure why) but it just about finances is it - if you sell and DS satys with you how do you afford somehwere to live?

Most courts will not evict children from their home in order to pay off a partners debts unless there is really not enough money coming in between you to pay the mortgage. they will ring fence what his equity share is say 25% and he will get that when you eventually sell which he won't be able to force until DS leaves school. Obviously I don't have all the facts but thats the advice friedns of mine got

wildfish · 16/04/2008 11:24

allgonebellyup: I have only been scanning the thread - how quickly its gone up. But I admit I want to grab hold of you and drag you down to a solicitors right now - whether you are screaming or kicking.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go to a damn solicitor now. Go to 2. Just GO GO GO. Yes you might not keep your 3 bedroom house. But you might end up with a 2 bedroom house. You might end up with some payments from him. Don't assume its 100% this way or 100% homeless. JUST GET UP AND GO. PLEASE. And forget the stupid "you'll be independent of him" - he'll always be there because of the kids. Take what you can get. For the kids sake!! If you were on your own fine, but you are not.

Right on the second topic (closer to my heart). Your DS 4? preferring his dad. Sounds like my DS. The comments he is spoilt, gets all these things etc sound like my ex. Trouble is my ex tries all these same things, and still DS stays with me. She claims I am brainwashing him - but when he tells me what she says - its obvious who is brainwashing. I wish on kids there was a clear answer and position. But don't confuse the two issues here. The house you sort out via a solicitor. The DS maybe you should allow him more time with Dad. Perhaps Dad won't cope (I know my ex wouldn't). Perhaps DS will see whats what.

Oh and its real easy to get depressed and think just give in. I do understand that. But for the sake of the kids get up and do whats needed.

Open the yellow pages. Look up solicitors. Look for one with family law, and call them up. Get it done with now. DO IT DO IT DO IT.

CarGirl · 16/04/2008 11:26

Yes written contact only is a good way forward.

Since when has 80 miles (our and half) been so horrificly far away? On a Friday night if he's tired he will sleep in the car after all. I agree tough set down that he needs to be home early enough on a Sunday to unwind before bed time.

I really don't understand why you all think it is so horrific that a 4 year old sees his Dad every weekend? I agree it would be good if AGBU got a weekend with her son but perhaps the negotiation is one weekend a month with her and half the school holidays??

Kewcumber · 16/04/2008 11:26

"A parent has financial responsibility for the child until he reaches the age of 17 or leaves full-time education, whichever is the later. There is no 'clean break' (an end to providing financial support) between parents and children. This is the law. A child's father (or mother) is obliged to pay for this support whether or not there is any contact. The two issues are entirely separate but in reality disagreements about maintenance sometimes lead to problems with contact. On the other hand, a father who has regular contact is more likely to pay maintenance on a regular basis. Try to keep these two issues separate and discuss them at separate times."

davidtennantsmistress · 16/04/2008 11:28

cargirl - I don't think it's horrific at all - I would encourage it, but surly a little boy also needs to spend fun time wiht his mum and sister on a weekend when he's not at school? (i'm thinking from that POV tbh)

maybe suggest half of the holidays as well, and also come over on a sat day - I would imagine DS will be very tired when he starts school. also don't forget with a new baby about the dad may not want to come every weekend.

Youcannotbeserious · 16/04/2008 11:28

Kew - I'm afraid I've been there and, if one parent (usually the NCP) ends up in volutary insolvency, then the other parent (CP) is pretty much screwed...

My DH got into such a state (Ex just wanted more and more and more and more and more and ......... you get the idea). The courts were 'happy' to make DH go bankrupt before making Ex accept less money - but even ex could see that, once that happened, she becomes just another 'creditor' - it's like killing the golden goose...

I must admit, I lost a lot of faith in the legal system (and solicitors) over that. Thankfully, DH and ex managed to sort it out between the two of them and it didn't come to that, but it could have

So, yes, a court won't evict kids to pay off debts - but the risk is VERY VERY high for the custodial parent!

Kewcumber · 16/04/2008 11:29

Every weekend with Dad doesn;t sound "horrific" to me just unfioar once he starts school - Mum gets after-school tired child and washing uniforms and making sandwiches and dealing with doctors, Dad gets fun weekends doing whatever they like. For school age children I think every other weekend with possible mid week contact is fairer on all.

isheisnthe · 16/04/2008 11:30

CG - I would love ds's dad to have them each weekend - but he still seems to think that seeing them does me a favour!

lostdad · 16/04/2008 11:30

Sorry to hijack this thread, but...

YCBS - I understand what you're saying.

Then again, I am a sad case because I dream of the day I can be a `normal' dad and do boring stuff. Which I did before my ex left. I see dads

As she refuses to talk to me, I can't speak for her - but if you asked my ex, she'd probably tell you that she does all the boring stuff that you mention, while omitting that at the same time she point blank refuses to have it any other way.

Nothing would make me happier than for her to say to me (if it turned out to be in his best interests) `Lostdad - I want our son to be with you half the time so we can do equal amounts of the boring and fun stuff'. However, on that day that happens Satan will be ice skating to work.

And yes - I know there are useless dads out there too...

Kewcumber · 16/04/2008 11:30

Have you thought of mediation to solve finace and contact arrangements? "Mediation is also used in disputes regarding where the child should live, 'residence', and other issues such as finances and property. Ask your solicitor or mediator if you are eligible for funding"

try this site

wildfish · 16/04/2008 11:33

damn this thread moves fast.

If the lawyer said that go to another. The first lawyer I saw said you have no chance, its going to cost you 6K. He didn't listen to a word I said. The second one was much much better, listened and actually wasn't after my cheque book (well not so openly )

CarGirl · 16/04/2008 11:33

My dds were very tired after school (one if them still is!) had early nights etc and tbh it was only during the holidays we got fun times - they spent a large part of the weekend sleeping!

We also did fun things after school - snack after school on the way to the playground etc. I just think it's not something worth making a major fight over at the moments (school is 6 months away) as the contact may well lessen of it's own accord anyway. I think that quite often this kind of parent (the X in this case) is doing it because their is an arguement to win, stop arguing/fighting over it and they don't know what to do!