Why do my kids see my cheating estranged wife as amazing

[iamthemanny]

My wife left me for a work colleague due to an ongoing affair last July. Lives with the affair partner since last September.

Does anyone else see their kids obsessed with their mother and affair partner and the betrayed spouse losing out and blamed.

It is killing me. I was also the Stay At Home Dad.

Advice really appreciated.

I disagree that OP is getting materially different responses than he would as a woman. Because it’s a lot less common that a man leaves for the OW and then has 50:50.

100% this. Because in almost every post I've seen where a woman is left when her ex goes off with the OW, she's ALSo left with almost 100% of the childcare responsibilities and, inevitably, is screwed financially too.

And even then, if anything, she's told not to badmouth the cheating ex to the DC.

In this case, OP's exW appears to be maintaining a strong relationship with the children so no matter how terrible her behaviour to him is/was, she's already far ahead of the game compared to so many cheating spouses. And OP needs to accept that his children still love their mother and aren't going to apply the same moral judgements as he is.

Well that’s good once you have a new address you can do all of the above and build a brilliant new life and home. Will keep you busy making new memories with your children,

Comments like that really show you up, @iamthemanny

And so do the ones which reference "sensible ladies".

Don't you see how impolite those remarks are?

Ever thought about being a stand up comic.

Thank you to the lovely lady posters.

No OP - genuinely and with kindness - you are the one who is coming across as nasty, angry and bitter.

I hope you get the help you need - love your children and be happy around them and hopefully they’ll come to love you and think you’re amazing as much as they do their dm. Good luck with it all 😘

Just like the people I am referring to.

Its amazing how quickly the mask can slip when the "ladies" dont follow the correct script isn't it

Anyway, thank you to most of you. Even if you disagree with what I have said you can still appreciate the tsunami it causes. Comments from a tiny minority account for many of the problems from these environments. Eg Caroline Flack

I posted a supportive message. But I’m not impressed with the misogyny you have shown in your later posts. I will never condone cheating, it’s an awful thing to do to a partner and the impacts on children are often devastating, but I do wonder about the type of person you are to come out with the misogynistic comments, especially on a predominately female site. Whether you have sons or daughters, if you’re misogynistic, it’ll do damage, so I’d advise you to look at that.

No, but I am guessing you have. Please feel free to report me.

Yes, like @FridaySpark I tried to be supportive but your subsequent comments are making me wonder how much was going on in this relationship long before she cheated. Not that cheating is justified or an excuse, but I am starting to suspect your version of events and hers are very very different. exBIL claims that SIL cheated (she didn't) and had a meltdown when she got a new boyfriend after they broke up as it was "so soon". It wasn't. It was a casual relationship 6 months later, but in HIS head it was soon as it took her 5 months to get him out of her house after the break up....

Hope it all works out for you OP and you can protect your children from your bitterness.

No nothing to do with that.

Yes women are well aware of how comments can cause problems, that's why we generally dont react well to mysoginistic comments

Wow, good thing I am not suicidal.

Quite often what we need to hear isn't what we want to hear.

As said, I have a shrink I see weekly and a solicitor and am told many things I dislike. But they say it with compassion. This is not compassion.

We done need to tone police ourselves for a misogynist. Or anyone.

Haven’t rtft…

But, on top of your ex being the children’s mother which naturally predisposes them to her, I would say there is still a sense of novelty in the new arrangements.

Previously, you were stay at home dad and mother wasn’t with them much. Now she is responsible 50% of the time, she will be showering them with experiences and gifts, the new partner too as he can afford to, and it’s all adrenaline, E numbers and endorphins.

It will settle down, if she was self interested previously she will revert to type.

If you have mental health issues and decided to be in low paying career, perhaps to facilitate the children’s early life then, because they are children and don’t understand health issues and career choices, there might be a predisposition in them to say it’s dad’s fault for behaving in X way and not having a high flying career to keep Mum.

I know that’s not nice to think about, but they are children and it’s all very black and white. The relationship between the mother and this man is all very new and still in the honeymoon phase.

Things will not be shiny and new forever, wait until it all calms down and normalises.

Until them keep being the constant, stable father you have been, don’t bad mouth either of them, and use the time you don’t have them to focus on your own personal development and what makes you happy.

@iamthemanny you really are being ridiculous now. You're attacking anyone who says something you don't like with passive aggressive semi-threats: "good thing I'm not suicidal". What the actual F is that? Do you say this sort of thing to your ex-wife as a sort of veiled threat?

I'm going to hide this thread now because I want to be sympathetic to men going through tough relationship issues but I'm afraid the more you post the more I'm slipping back to my default, "it's probably the man's fault".

You are assuming the narrative was misogynistic. It was aimed at the lack of compassion. The same would apply to anyone. As one kind lady said things turn nasty here.

so if anyone has any practical ideas that is wonderful.

You do that. Best for all

My husbands mum cheated on his dad and left him. Now none of their 5 children speak to their dad. He was so bitter and angry at their mum for the situation (understandably to a degree) he slated her to the children at every opportunity. He also was angry with the children for not taking his side. For not being angry with their mum. For not stopping seeing their mum. It completely destroyed their relationship and even now they are adults they don’t see him.
Don’t be like him, don’t put your children in the middle. You’re angry and hurt but be the bigger person and don’t drag your children in to your anger. You will ruin your relationship with them because they will pull away and go to her (probably what she wants) as they grow they may see what really happened and who has been there. They may not, but all that matters in the grand scheme of things is your relationship with your children. Don’t sour it by being bitter

Thank you so much that is really helpful. Yes to all you said. But watching it is so grim, I really now understand what many ladies have been through if they are in my shoes.

But you are saying they are mysoginistic. Maybe it is how you are interpreting them. They were not sent that way.